Impending Marriage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Impending Marriage
I will try and keep this short and sweet.
My partner and I will have been together for 10 years come May 2018. In the very early days of our relationship, he recreationally used cocaine. I told him that I was not ok with this, and he gave it up...for me. I told him he would end up addicted if he didn't, he assured me he wouldn't.
Fast forward 8 or so years later, we have a house, he askes me to marry him and we (I) start to plan the wedding for Summer 2018.
4 weeks ago today, he half-heartedly revealed to me that he has been back using cocaine for the last 18 months and that he thinks he has a problem. He initially started recreationally but he had now been doing it every day and doesn't enjoy it.
My whole world as I knew it collapsed. We are supposed to be getting married in 5 months.
The 18 months he was using was horrendous. He had a long list of health problems and ailments (now obviously linked to using), he suffered badly with his mental health and this obviously affected our life and relationship. I had asked a couple of times about drugs...he told me no, sometimes being shocked I could even think that.
When I think of the addiction as an illness, I have no problem with standing by him. That is what marriage is all about, in sickness and in health. But the betrayl, the meet ups with his dealer, the lies about his health....that is what I am finding hard.
He says he wants to get married. Of course I want to get married. But part of me thinks its crazy to go ahead.
He is now off the drug, having gone through about 10 days physical withdrawal and I have been testing him every second day. He has been to our local drug team who have referred him to mental health as cocaine addiction is a psychological one and he needs to find out why he went back to using.
Looking for any advice or experience.
My partner and I will have been together for 10 years come May 2018. In the very early days of our relationship, he recreationally used cocaine. I told him that I was not ok with this, and he gave it up...for me. I told him he would end up addicted if he didn't, he assured me he wouldn't.
Fast forward 8 or so years later, we have a house, he askes me to marry him and we (I) start to plan the wedding for Summer 2018.
4 weeks ago today, he half-heartedly revealed to me that he has been back using cocaine for the last 18 months and that he thinks he has a problem. He initially started recreationally but he had now been doing it every day and doesn't enjoy it.
My whole world as I knew it collapsed. We are supposed to be getting married in 5 months.
The 18 months he was using was horrendous. He had a long list of health problems and ailments (now obviously linked to using), he suffered badly with his mental health and this obviously affected our life and relationship. I had asked a couple of times about drugs...he told me no, sometimes being shocked I could even think that.
When I think of the addiction as an illness, I have no problem with standing by him. That is what marriage is all about, in sickness and in health. But the betrayl, the meet ups with his dealer, the lies about his health....that is what I am finding hard.
He says he wants to get married. Of course I want to get married. But part of me thinks its crazy to go ahead.
He is now off the drug, having gone through about 10 days physical withdrawal and I have been testing him every second day. He has been to our local drug team who have referred him to mental health as cocaine addiction is a psychological one and he needs to find out why he went back to using.
Looking for any advice or experience.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi and welcome to SR. Sorry to hear of what brings you here. I would also be cautious about marrying him. The lies etc of the last 18 months would be a big issue for me and I certainly wouldn't marry a man who had lied to me and who I didn't trust.
you've been together 10 years without getting married. It may be sensible to at least put it off another year or 2. of course it's about sickness and health etc but it's also about not lying to each other. He shoudl understand you need time and are not prepared to rush into it after having this shock.
you may also get some help and advice on the friends and family forum on here . wishing you all the best.
you've been together 10 years without getting married. It may be sensible to at least put it off another year or 2. of course it's about sickness and health etc but it's also about not lying to each other. He shoudl understand you need time and are not prepared to rush into it after having this shock.
you may also get some help and advice on the friends and family forum on here . wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Trust your instincts. Marrying him would only bind you legally and even more financially. With a long-term addict, you need to keep your escape route clear.
He may try the “if we get married it will give me the motivation to stay clean” tactic. It won’t and don’t. True recovery comes from within, not from any external circumstances.
I hope you’ll stay and do more reading here...you’ll find many people in similar situations.
Welcome!
He may try the “if we get married it will give me the motivation to stay clean” tactic. It won’t and don’t. True recovery comes from within, not from any external circumstances.
I hope you’ll stay and do more reading here...you’ll find many people in similar situations.
Welcome!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you for your quick reply.
As it stands I have told him it needs to be postponed. He didn't like that at first but I feel he has now come to terms with it although he is very sad.
It is me that is thinking should we just go ahead. We are both close to our famillies and it was important to us that they are there. We have elderly grandparents on one side and health issues with parents on other side. If I think I am going to marry him eventually, should I not just go for it whilst everyone we love is here.
The idea of my perfect day is now more than likely unachievable due to this now being part of our story.
As it stands I have told him it needs to be postponed. He didn't like that at first but I feel he has now come to terms with it although he is very sad.
It is me that is thinking should we just go ahead. We are both close to our famillies and it was important to us that they are there. We have elderly grandparents on one side and health issues with parents on other side. If I think I am going to marry him eventually, should I not just go for it whilst everyone we love is here.
The idea of my perfect day is now more than likely unachievable due to this now being part of our story.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Imagine that you tell your families this story.
Now imagine asking them what you should do - stop the wedding or get married - for them, because you want them at your wedding.
I think you can see the answer they would give you.
Now imagine asking them what you should do - stop the wedding or get married - for them, because you want them at your wedding.
I think you can see the answer they would give you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Downsideupworld 
The idea of my perfect day is now more than likely unachievable due to this now being part of our story.
I'm sure your parents and grandparents would be horrified if they thought you were considering marrying a man when you had serious doubts just to give them a nice day. Surely they would rather you be true to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
No drug addiction advice from me - just pragmatic musings.
Marriage is for life right? Why rush for the sake of (say) 12 months?
He didn't tell you the truth - he owes you an additional 12 months proving he has kicked the habit/addiction properly.
Marriage is for life right? Why rush for the sake of (say) 12 months?
He didn't tell you the truth - he owes you an additional 12 months proving he has kicked the habit/addiction properly.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Downsideup world.
Welcome to SR.
I would hold off on getting married until my fiancee had a firm grasp on recovery and some solid recovery time, like a year.
I would also separate my finances from his and protect my financial instruments, if you haven’t already, as cocaine is expensive.
Welcome to SR.
I would hold off on getting married until my fiancee had a firm grasp on recovery and some solid recovery time, like a year.
I would also separate my finances from his and protect my financial instruments, if you haven’t already, as cocaine is expensive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
from the outside, this just doesn't sound like a good solid starting place for a married life. does it? you mentioned not getting your "perfect day" - that's not the point of getting married.
if you want to have a party with all your family and loved ones, do so! but give time a lot more TIME before formally and legally joining yourself to someone who has been untruthful and deceitful for months if not years.
if you want to have a party with all your family and loved ones, do so! but give time a lot more TIME before formally and legally joining yourself to someone who has been untruthful and deceitful for months if not years.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Hi All
Thanks for the advice.
I think I haven't put things across right as been trying to quickly reply on my phone.
My thinking is, once an addict, always an addict. Thats what everyone says. Technically, if you think of it, I have been dating an addict for 10 years, difference is he was in denial then.
The wedding is just a day. I do want to have a marriage with him and thats my point. If we delay it by a year, and people who I wanted to be at the event are no longer there, surely that is only me who loses out?
He was 'clean' for 6 years before this all started up again, so even if he manages to stay off for 12 months (which I fully believe he can/will because he wants off himself) who is to say that he won't start again after 2 years? 3 years?
If I am going to marry an addict, is there any point in putting it off, which mainly only puts my life plans on hold.
Thanks for the advice.
I think I haven't put things across right as been trying to quickly reply on my phone.
My thinking is, once an addict, always an addict. Thats what everyone says. Technically, if you think of it, I have been dating an addict for 10 years, difference is he was in denial then.
The wedding is just a day. I do want to have a marriage with him and thats my point. If we delay it by a year, and people who I wanted to be at the event are no longer there, surely that is only me who loses out?
He was 'clean' for 6 years before this all started up again, so even if he manages to stay off for 12 months (which I fully believe he can/will because he wants off himself) who is to say that he won't start again after 2 years? 3 years?
If I am going to marry an addict, is there any point in putting it off, which mainly only puts my life plans on hold.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Daisy39
Wow, what a tough situation you are in. Have you considered going to couples counseling to get some unbiased but expert outside help? I see you’ve had some great advice but thought I’d toss this into the ring.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Downsideupworld
We have looked at this but uncertain where to start as in, how do we find a good reputable coucilling service in the UK. I take it it is a private service but dont want to be ripped off as there seems to be a lot of companies offering some form of it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Hi, I can hear from your posts that this is a very difficult decision for you to make. You would find a relationship counsellor through your GP in the UK or look up the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP). Ideally look for someone with experience in addictions.
All the best to you.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I have no problem with standing by him. That is what marriage is all about, in sickness and in health
i think i have a different opinion of this. im very glad my fiance tossed me out of her life. not for me, but for her own wellbeing. i haddragged her down as far as she would allow and a very wise move on her part. standing by me in sickness and in health,before we were married , enabled me to continue the same sick and unhealthy behaviors.
it wouldnt havechanged if we had gotten married,if only for everything to get worse for her as it was for me
i think i have a different opinion of this. im very glad my fiance tossed me out of her life. not for me, but for her own wellbeing. i haddragged her down as far as she would allow and a very wise move on her part. standing by me in sickness and in health,before we were married , enabled me to continue the same sick and unhealthy behaviors.
it wouldnt havechanged if we had gotten married,if only for everything to get worse for her as it was for me
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