NeedCourage

Sorry in advance for the long post....we have been together 10 years, married 4. He has 3 boys (19, 15 and 13). Oldest at university, younger two with us part time. I’m 38 he is 41. Our relationship has always been a struggle, with times of it being easy. With in the first year I found out he had connected with an ex via Facebook and had an emotional affair with her. I confronted him and it ended. I was devastated and being immature I cheated on him. He was told about it by someone, not me, but never confronted me on it until last January.

He drank and smoked pot when we met and I was generally fine with it as long as it did not impact me, ie. kept me up at night partying with the guys. He eventually stopped the pot, said he didn’t like it. Then his dad died, his useless brother came back into his life (after being out of the family for 18 years). Brother stayed with mom, then they moved to where we lived. That continued for about a year and a half until his mom died. Mom was being cat fished, and when she died we figured out she had given away 350k in about 5 months. To this day I think the brother was one of the cat fishers. That’s a story for another day.

Husband was executor of the very large estate, we renoed our house with his inheritance money, but for the life of me I could not figure out how we were going through so much money, I was keeping all the receipts from the Reno,things were just not adding up. I asked him several times and got no where. Money has Always been an issue with us. Either he was drowning in debt, or has some to spare. He refuses to talk about money. We keep our finances separate and always have.

I got a job promotion in feb 2016, and things completely fell apart. His anger was unbareable. He always had a temper, but this was new. He was drunk a lot, and having a lot of health issues as a result he stopped drinking. Stupid me thought things would improve. They got worse.

He was never sleeping, dropped weight like crazy, I was walking on egg shells and never wanted to come home. Then I became crazy, I pay all the bills (he has no credit) and started checking his phone records and was blown away but the number of people he was contacting in a day, when he was suppose to be working.

I still refused to admit he was using coke, even when family and friends said his behaviour is showing all the tell tale signs. The clincher, I work in mental health and addictions...how could I be so stupid to not see it?

I asked him and asked him, he kept denying it. Then I found the evidence on January 16, 2017. I left January 22 (which is his birthday no less). He was out of town and I just packed up and left, went to my parents for a week. To be honest, he would have lost it had I tried to leave and he was home. He admitted to everything, we talked about my cheating. I came back, but with only a suitcase. Apparently he had been using coke for about 6 years, but it had gotten out of control when his mom died.

It was rocky coming back, no trust on either side. I kept checking phone records, still occasional weird number showing up. He said he felt like a prisoner, to be honest I didn’t care. He was generally angry all the time, and now didn’t have work either.

Fast forward to September, I left again because of fear of his anger during a fight re: me not trusting him due to “strange things” He left the house, to cool off. I packed up and left.

I came back 5 days later, he said his brother is dying. Later found out it was a lie.

Now, I find out that his credit card is maxed, the mortgage he has on the house he inherited has not been paid, but he has still been getting rent checks from social assistance renters (useless brother and his buddies live in the house). And all his bills are past due.

He tells me he is not using, I don’t believe it. His sleep has been messed since August when he came into more money, he is moody all the time, he spends most nights in the garage “smoking” and on the net.

So, why do I stay? I have a fantasy that things will get better. He can be a great guy, and I know he loves me unconditionally. I also stay because I feel stupid that I never saw this coming, then when it started happening again I just gave empty threats. I love my house and don’t want to give it up. I am fearful of financial ruin. I don’t want to start all over and to be perfectly honest I am afraid to be alone.

Well that pretty much sums it up, anysupport, words of encouragement or thoughts on how to move through this ambivalence and fear would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for letting me tell my story

Maudcat

Hi, NeedCourage.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
No expert here, but it does sound like he is using.
Bad sleep, long hours away from you, maxed out credit cards and unpaid bills.
Something is definitely up
Sadly, unless your partner embraces rehab and recovery, there isn’t much you can do for him.
Sounds like keeping finances separate was a really good idea.
10 years together is a long time, but it isn’t a lifetime.
Do you have support in the form of therapy, nar-anon or al-anon?
Tremendous experience, strength and hope in those rooms.
Leaving him is your decision to make; imo he sounds like a train wreck in process, and I would get away before that happens.
But that’s me.
You mention that you don’t want to start over and that you don’t want to be alone.
There are plenty of people on this site who have felt the way you do.
Perhaps they will weigh in with their thoughts.
Good luck to you. Keep coming back.

HardLessons

Hi NC

I am very sorry for your situation. Just so you know SR is a great forum. There are many experienced knowledgeable & caring people here. People who have helped me.

You definitely have a very bad situation going on. Your trying to have a relationship & make a life with an active addict. What you described above is your unique circumstance. But there are very common elements which anyone in a relationship with an addict knows well.

From what I read this guy is your husband but you don't have children with him. The children are his from a previous relationship.

The fantasy thinking - magical thinking is very dangerous. He is obviously chasing his addiction hard. Debt is piling up. Unless someone can step in and financially bail you all out - where does this end up? I am sure the pressure of it is very difficult.

Is he concerned about you & your well being? If not - then you have to do it. You have to do something for yourself before it all caves in on top of you.

Addiction is progressive & destructive. It destroys everything in its path. I learned that lesson the hard way. Unfortunately, you don't have many options. In the end I only had one option, save myself, before I died trying to help her.

I wish you the best of luck.

NeedCourage

Thank you Maud and HL, I know I have to do this, it is just getting the strength to do it. I will keep coming back here, drawing on the strength of others.

Maudcat

Good thoughts headed your way, NeedCourage.

HardLessons

NC

I just wanted to add one additional point. I knew I had to remove myself from my relationship. I knew it for at least a year before I finally took action.

I did not have courage to do it. I did not even think I could do it. I don't really know how I did it. My own survival was the motivation. It pretty much felt like a life or death decision at the time.

Please take care

OpheliaKatz

Needcourage. Hi. Every time I read the story of a newcomer, it resonates with me because there are similarities. I stuck with my AH(stbx) for much longer than I should have, and I only left when it had severely impacted my health, my finances, my career, my family, and friends, and my neighbors did not want him around anymore.

Like HL, my survival was my motivation. It is hard to leave and I don't want to be alone either... however, even though I still find sleeping difficult and I sometimes lie awake anxious, I sleep better than I have slept for the past decade. That alone was worth me leaving. I hope that wherever he is, he is at peace with himself now.

SR was a life-saver when I first left my relationship. I still come here. I still learn from coming here. I have also gone to Naranon, and I do recommend Naranon or Alanon. There is so much to learn. Thank you for telling your story. I learn from every story I read here, even if I'm the one giving "advice". Note: anything I say is just my opinion, so my "advice" is also my opinion, which has been informed by my own experience with an addict.

NeedCourage

And then....he does stuff like he did today. Spent all day preparing for New Year’s Eve. Shoveled and snow blowed a ton of snow (we live in Canada and we have at least 2 feet of snow and it is stupid cold!), made up a picnic, hot drinks, sparking apple juice (I don’t drink much and am on call tonight) made a music line up, set up Christmas lights, fireworks, and a fire to ring in the new year outside. Each one of those things are something that I love and he really has no interest in, except fireworks. I have never been on a picnic and it was a goal of mine for 2017, and never reached that goal. He wanted to make sure I got my picnic before 2017 was over. It is times like this that make my head spin. How can he be so loving, checked in, meeting my needs and other times....well all of you know the other side. Thoughts?

Maudcat

That’s the conundrum, isn’t it? We get a whole lot of bad, followed by a bit of good, so we latch onto the the good and hope, again, that things will be different.
On balance, though, you will find that the bad outweighs the good and will continue to do so until something changes.
Addicts are master manipulators. I think it’s part of their dna.
Time will tell.

OpheliaKatz

When I read your first post and then this one, I wonder what his motivation is. Why did he do those things? What did he want? I guess I'm just suspicious, because my ex was violent and the next day showed up with flowers, which I've always asked for (but he thought was pointless). Initially, I thought, oh he was trying to apologize. When I didn't accept his apology, he quickly turned back into the evil Mr. Hyde... as if being sorry was just superficial.

I think you should ask yourself if there's an ulterior motive -- if it is manipulation. After that you should quickly forget it, because you don't want to make assumptions about him or stay in his head for too long if your assumptions are negative. I think the most important thing is the relationship dynamic as a whole. It's not enough to have moments of blissful happiness amid the 90% of the time that you're miserable from watching him self-destruct. I mean, I think that him doing coke is really terrible for both of you. Is an occasional picnic, him doing chores, which anyone (responsible) would do anyway, enough...?

Let me give you an example of the things that were done around my house today: breakfast was made, laundry was done, lunch was made, a carpet was cleaned, some furniture was cleaned, some clothes were darned, a cake was made with some fancy (for me) toppings. It was a full day. I could have thrown in a fancy drink, a picnic, and some sparklers because it's the first day of 2018. When the addict was living with me, NONE of this would have happened. None of it. Because I was always too busy trying to "fix" him, "fix" his emotions, walk on eggshells around him. If he had one dry day where he made breakfast, I would have been over the moon, simply because it rarely happens. I know people whose husbands regularly make dinner when they get home from work... and it's not a big deal. Life is supposed to feel like that: steady, safe, and you're supposed to feel like you're moving.

The only thing that's really bad now is the sadness. If you leave, you are going to have to feel angry first, because anger protects you. Then you are going to probably, after you worked through the rage, feel incredibly sad... but you have to maintain "no contact", work through the sadness, and find yourself on the other side. I'm still working through the sadness. It's one day at a time.

So if you do decide to leave, you will feel sad, but I guarantee you that eventually you will have picnics and hot drinks and fireworks more often than you do now.

dandylion

^^^^^^^^yes!

Hawkeye13

I think addicts have a "radar" when they sense us drawing away,
and love bomb us to keep the madness cycle going another round.

That's been my experience anyway.
Unless he chooses recovery, it'll be more frequent and longer downs than ups,
I'm sorry to say--