One precious life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
One precious life!
I'm no hero
No expert.
Just a regular guy. Addict/alcoholic.
About an hour ago I put the remaining alcohol down the toilet along with cigarettes and I had some food.
I'm in bed now but I can't sleep
I have that physical discomfort that always comes after a binge. This one was from Christmas night until this evening.
I've been here literally hundreds of times.
So what's different for me this time, well it's too early to say but being on here is helping.
I feel like crap.. No surprise there!
It always gives me a temporary lift then smashes me into the ground I have n illness that's why I'm here.
I'm headstrong, fearful, defiant and a whole lot of other opposing energies.
But I want me back
Not some intoxicated version of me that does all sorts of irresponsible crazy stuff.
2018 is a do it die for me.
My addictive disorder, dis ease whatever the hell it is has progressed to horrendous proportions now. Not going into war stories but its heavy duty if I don't find recovery.
Prison or death or some awful illness
I am pleased to say in spite of the pain I'm in I am grateful for a warm flat and a
A job opportunity for next Tuesday.
Albeit temporary through an agency but that's ok. I lost my permanent job in October.
It's just what I've done to my lovely family that is distressing me.
I'm single and bloody well need to be right now.
But my son,mum,sis and step dad have taken an emotional battering from me
And it's been going on for years.
I'm not new to trying to clean up my act.
I realise all this negativity in my life is down to one thing active addiction
Nothing else.
Problem is feelings
Feelings feelings
They put the screws on me when I'm sober not everyday but when my triggers go off they sometimes annihilate me.
Those disturbances that grate the psyche like a plague of swarms.
It's always the small irritations that linger
I write inventory God to I write this stuff out I trying praying but if I'm not dealing with life and setting my posture as life happens
I'm in trouble.
One precious life
Ive got to find a way to live here
Successfully without attacking myself
I turn against me and poison myself because some a...hole throws me a one liner or other similar stuff.
I have low level self worth and value because of where addiction has taken me
And I really need to reach out for help and allow the process of recovery to heal me.
Maybe as addicts whatever our drug
We can never fully heal, I don't know I've never got that far along the path.
It's time to find out.
Some great people on here.
Love and best wishes to you all
For 2018 and beyond.
Yours in courage honesty and sincerity
A tearful but determined
Ghoster xx
No expert.
Just a regular guy. Addict/alcoholic.
About an hour ago I put the remaining alcohol down the toilet along with cigarettes and I had some food.
I'm in bed now but I can't sleep
I have that physical discomfort that always comes after a binge. This one was from Christmas night until this evening.
I've been here literally hundreds of times.
So what's different for me this time, well it's too early to say but being on here is helping.
I feel like crap.. No surprise there!
It always gives me a temporary lift then smashes me into the ground I have n illness that's why I'm here.
I'm headstrong, fearful, defiant and a whole lot of other opposing energies.
But I want me back
Not some intoxicated version of me that does all sorts of irresponsible crazy stuff.
2018 is a do it die for me.
My addictive disorder, dis ease whatever the hell it is has progressed to horrendous proportions now. Not going into war stories but its heavy duty if I don't find recovery.
Prison or death or some awful illness
I am pleased to say in spite of the pain I'm in I am grateful for a warm flat and a
A job opportunity for next Tuesday.
Albeit temporary through an agency but that's ok. I lost my permanent job in October.
It's just what I've done to my lovely family that is distressing me.
I'm single and bloody well need to be right now.
But my son,mum,sis and step dad have taken an emotional battering from me
And it's been going on for years.
I'm not new to trying to clean up my act.
I realise all this negativity in my life is down to one thing active addiction
Nothing else.
Problem is feelings
Feelings feelings
They put the screws on me when I'm sober not everyday but when my triggers go off they sometimes annihilate me.
Those disturbances that grate the psyche like a plague of swarms.
It's always the small irritations that linger
I write inventory God to I write this stuff out I trying praying but if I'm not dealing with life and setting my posture as life happens
I'm in trouble.
One precious life
Ive got to find a way to live here
Successfully without attacking myself
I turn against me and poison myself because some a...hole throws me a one liner or other similar stuff.
I have low level self worth and value because of where addiction has taken me
And I really need to reach out for help and allow the process of recovery to heal me.
Maybe as addicts whatever our drug
We can never fully heal, I don't know I've never got that far along the path.
It's time to find out.
Some great people on here.
Love and best wishes to you all
For 2018 and beyond.
Yours in courage honesty and sincerity
A tearful but determined
Ghoster xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Ghoster 
I'm not sure if you're familiar with the idea of the two wolves.
drinking and drugging fed my bad wolf.
Coming here asking for support for myself and giving it to others fed my good wolf - and that made all the difference to me.
I hope it can for you too
D
I'm not sure if you're familiar with the idea of the two wolves.
drinking and drugging fed my bad wolf.
Coming here asking for support for myself and giving it to others fed my good wolf - and that made all the difference to me.
I hope it can for you too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Not drinking!
Hi everyone
Thanks for your encouragement
I'm really down, the after effects of picking up!
But as I said in my first ' precious life' post I put it down the drain and I am glad it's gone.
I've got to endure a few days of discomfort now, after all if I'm to believe the doctors opinion from the Big Book I am bodily and mentally different to non addicted people
Even heavy users of all kinds.
My body reacts abnormally to this illness.
I can't control it and I can't stay stopped without engaging with a daily action plan.
I'm part in my white wolf part in my black wolf today... Ref- thanks D!
Keep posting with me pls I need you guys!
Ghoster
Thanks for your encouragement
I'm really down, the after effects of picking up!
But as I said in my first ' precious life' post I put it down the drain and I am glad it's gone.
I've got to endure a few days of discomfort now, after all if I'm to believe the doctors opinion from the Big Book I am bodily and mentally different to non addicted people
Even heavy users of all kinds.
My body reacts abnormally to this illness.
I can't control it and I can't stay stopped without engaging with a daily action plan.
I'm part in my white wolf part in my black wolf today... Ref- thanks D!
Keep posting with me pls I need you guys!
Ghoster
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Ghoster
I relate so much to every line in your post. Truly. It will be hard at first but worth it. Hang in there.
Just a regular guy. Addict/alcoholic. Yup. Me too. No better than, no worse than. I feel like a lot of my fear comes from this defensive position of thinking I'm one down to everyone. That is really just my addiction trying to keep me down.
I'm headstrong, fearful, defiant and a whole lot of other opposing energies. Weird huh? I'm an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Fear drives most people, not just addicts. I see this everyday. An entire population afraid. Of what? That's what I needed/need to figure out. Each day. Acceptance is the antidote. Not only that I can't drink (that's the first step) but that everything is as it should be. I am as I should be. Be honest, don't drink, help others, forgive.
Prison or death or some awful illness Yup. That's the bottom. Welcome. Drinking as a coping mechanism no longer works. So now its time to develop new ways of coping with life, on lifes terms. First stop, Acceptance. Again, and again.
I am grateful for a warm flat OMG gratitude. I'll say it again. Gratitude. When in doubt, I always remember what I'm grateful for. Daily. When in fear, gratitude. When in shame, gratitude. When in sadness, gratitude. Gratitude is the antidote to resentment. It is second to Acceptance as a daily coping strategy.
I'm single and bloody well need to be right now.
Me too and thank god for that. I watch others struggle in early sobriety with their partners/spouses and I don't envy that. I am so grateful there isn't a hostage for me to torture.
Problem is feelings Yup. But feel I must. However, and this is a big thing for me, my feelings aren't always fact. They are real, in the moment. And in the beginning having to feel what I've done....especially to others, is really hard. But it has to happen. But then, forgiveness. Right action leads to right feelings. Want to have self esteem? Do estimable things. Patience. One day at a time.
I turn against me and poison myself because some a...hole throws me a one liner or other similar stuff.
Uh huh. I drink poison and expect the other person to die. Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude. New coping skills. Maybe that person outside of you is hurting, is fearful, is an addict. Hurt people hurt people. Let it go.
So I practice acceptance, gratitude, patience, forgiveness everyday. And I start by practicing on myself. Life on life's terms. Don't react to feelings that may or may not be fact. Hang in there. Each day I become stronger. Things that used to baffle me no longer do.
Thanks for the great post. You helped me a lot.
I relate so much to every line in your post. Truly. It will be hard at first but worth it. Hang in there.
Just a regular guy. Addict/alcoholic. Yup. Me too. No better than, no worse than. I feel like a lot of my fear comes from this defensive position of thinking I'm one down to everyone. That is really just my addiction trying to keep me down.
I'm headstrong, fearful, defiant and a whole lot of other opposing energies. Weird huh? I'm an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Fear drives most people, not just addicts. I see this everyday. An entire population afraid. Of what? That's what I needed/need to figure out. Each day. Acceptance is the antidote. Not only that I can't drink (that's the first step) but that everything is as it should be. I am as I should be. Be honest, don't drink, help others, forgive.
Prison or death or some awful illness Yup. That's the bottom. Welcome. Drinking as a coping mechanism no longer works. So now its time to develop new ways of coping with life, on lifes terms. First stop, Acceptance. Again, and again.
I am grateful for a warm flat OMG gratitude. I'll say it again. Gratitude. When in doubt, I always remember what I'm grateful for. Daily. When in fear, gratitude. When in shame, gratitude. When in sadness, gratitude. Gratitude is the antidote to resentment. It is second to Acceptance as a daily coping strategy.
I'm single and bloody well need to be right now.
Me too and thank god for that. I watch others struggle in early sobriety with their partners/spouses and I don't envy that. I am so grateful there isn't a hostage for me to torture.
Problem is feelings Yup. But feel I must. However, and this is a big thing for me, my feelings aren't always fact. They are real, in the moment. And in the beginning having to feel what I've done....especially to others, is really hard. But it has to happen. But then, forgiveness. Right action leads to right feelings. Want to have self esteem? Do estimable things. Patience. One day at a time.
I turn against me and poison myself because some a...hole throws me a one liner or other similar stuff.
Uh huh. I drink poison and expect the other person to die. Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude. New coping skills. Maybe that person outside of you is hurting, is fearful, is an addict. Hurt people hurt people. Let it go.
So I practice acceptance, gratitude, patience, forgiveness everyday. And I start by practicing on myself. Life on life's terms. Don't react to feelings that may or may not be fact. Hang in there. Each day I become stronger. Things that used to baffle me no longer do.
Thanks for the great post. You helped me a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Thank you
Thank you and more thanks!
I'm down in the dumps but get a lift from the love on here.
Massive help for a work in progress
Chronic egoblade.
I mean that metaphorically!
Like incisions to my soul self inflicted.
I've had enough but the AV as I've seen it called on here has no cut out switch...
Go to the freakin grave my son!
Well it's my time to change my attitude
'Life is precious'
Life is life
Addiction is anti life
A killer in the swamp.
I feel more than hope here I feel a fire below
A healthy kindling of positive flames.
Sparks a drive of desire to get better to live again to see my beautiful family smile around me see them over time learn to trust me again. God I really need that to happen.
Cool thing is no one else has to do anything
No one else has to change for me to get well.
Only me!
Thank God for that.
Mission possible is underway.
Love this place
Best Christmas present to myself ever!
Thank you and more thanks!
I'm down in the dumps but get a lift from the love on here.
Massive help for a work in progress
Chronic egoblade.
I mean that metaphorically!
Like incisions to my soul self inflicted.
I've had enough but the AV as I've seen it called on here has no cut out switch...
Go to the freakin grave my son!
Well it's my time to change my attitude
'Life is precious'
Life is life
Addiction is anti life
A killer in the swamp.
I feel more than hope here I feel a fire below
A healthy kindling of positive flames.
Sparks a drive of desire to get better to live again to see my beautiful family smile around me see them over time learn to trust me again. God I really need that to happen.
Cool thing is no one else has to do anything
No one else has to change for me to get well.
Only me!
Thank God for that.
Mission possible is underway.
Love this place
Best Christmas present to myself ever!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Struggling tonight
It's the realisation of the mess of my life.
Sure I have things I am grateful for and I know I've put me here.
Abstinence is a great teacher!
What's making it so demoralizing though is
I am well acquainted with this troublesome and frustrating back to square one experience
Why I ask myself do I keep picking up.
Multiple addict
But I need to ditch the labels
I've posted some positive stop on here today to try to help others and myself
Mood swings are on me
No wonder I've just hammered myself again and am only 24 hours or so out of it.
I'm not yet back on sync with my body properly.
But I'd rather be positively negative on here and share the heat than crumble and stArt again.
Ive got about 70 hrs before my next shift starts so by dealing with the 're balancing of my body and mind here stay abstinent means I'll be capable of delivering the goods on my next shift.. fulfilling my responsibilities so to speak.
Ghoster
It's the realisation of the mess of my life.
Sure I have things I am grateful for and I know I've put me here.
Abstinence is a great teacher!
What's making it so demoralizing though is
I am well acquainted with this troublesome and frustrating back to square one experience
Why I ask myself do I keep picking up.
Multiple addict
But I need to ditch the labels
I've posted some positive stop on here today to try to help others and myself
Mood swings are on me
No wonder I've just hammered myself again and am only 24 hours or so out of it.
I'm not yet back on sync with my body properly.
But I'd rather be positively negative on here and share the heat than crumble and stArt again.
Ive got about 70 hrs before my next shift starts so by dealing with the 're balancing of my body and mind here stay abstinent means I'll be capable of delivering the goods on my next shift.. fulfilling my responsibilities so to speak.
Ghoster
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm on day 1 here Ghoster and feeling awful too. No sleep tonight probably, but at least we're not drinking.
I feel down and have regrets about the past in early stages of sobriety but it does get better.
Maybe check out the December class too. It helps me.
I feel down and have regrets about the past in early stages of sobriety but it does get better.
Maybe check out the December class too. It helps me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Cheers D
This jeckyl and Hyde existence it's not sustainable... of course stating the obvious to those who know!
As time moves on my energies will strengthen.
Just don't go back this time!
I could be living the dream
As my sponsor always says!
So much to live for
I have the body of an adult and the mind of a child sometimes.
It's true I revert to an internal childish state sometimes.
I know I didn't go through my developmental stages properly growing up but to change the way I feel and get some ease and comfort for my distress I can:
Post on SR
Call Sponsor
Call fellowship friends
Inventory
Journal
Exercise
To name but a few of my options
Kinda outshines the one disaster piece
Get drunk!
The ever present now
Stay awake
Ghoster
One more thing in 12 step it's said the first step is conceding that I am addicted.
That I can't go there it's a really bad idea.
Powerless over the behaviour once started
Craving that spikes my body.
Alcohol and sex addiction for me.
Goes against my moral values and compass
I despise porn and chAtlines
I really do.
When I'm sober they're about as appealing to me as setting fire to my hair.
AV out for 2018
SR In!
This jeckyl and Hyde existence it's not sustainable... of course stating the obvious to those who know!
As time moves on my energies will strengthen.
Just don't go back this time!
I could be living the dream
As my sponsor always says!
So much to live for
I have the body of an adult and the mind of a child sometimes.
It's true I revert to an internal childish state sometimes.
I know I didn't go through my developmental stages properly growing up but to change the way I feel and get some ease and comfort for my distress I can:
Post on SR
Call Sponsor
Call fellowship friends
Inventory
Journal
Exercise
To name but a few of my options
Kinda outshines the one disaster piece
Get drunk!
The ever present now
Stay awake
Ghoster
One more thing in 12 step it's said the first step is conceding that I am addicted.
That I can't go there it's a really bad idea.
Powerless over the behaviour once started
Craving that spikes my body.
Alcohol and sex addiction for me.
Goes against my moral values and compass
I despise porn and chAtlines
I really do.
When I'm sober they're about as appealing to me as setting fire to my hair.
AV out for 2018
SR In!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
I'm on day 1 here Ghoster and feeling awful too. No sleep tonight probably, but at least we're not drinking.
I feel down and have regrets about the past in early stages of sobriety but it does get better.
Maybe check out the December class too. It helps me.
I feel down and have regrets about the past in early stages of sobriety but it does get better.
Maybe check out the December class too. It helps me.
Thank you
I'll check out Dec class
Or maybe now with Jan so close hook up with that class.
Great to hear from you.
Keep well!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Dee74
Try and not spend too much time on regret.
Now's the important bit.
I've done more in the last 10 years than I did in the 20 before that
D
Now's the important bit.
I've done more in the last 10 years than I did in the 20 before that
D
I've done more in the last 3 years than I did in the previous 15. Most if which I'd never have dreamed was possible or likely as well.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Full of shame! Out of the Furnace now!
Struggling to write today unfortunately.
I joined here in the Christmas holidays all over the place in my real life but getting some hope from here.
Then whoosh I'm out of here again.
As I've shared previously I have 3 main killer addictions in one destructive Powerless behavioural pattern all wrapped up nice and warm together like a heat seeking virus! It's cunning, baffling, powerful alright.
But I know there are sober and clean members here so I'm not going to give the problem big attention!
I survived this slip, my debts have increased I now have more consequences to deal with.
It was withdrawal that I could not tolerate 😥 so off I went to my old friend!
And my AV said -' hey.. walk this way'
Rest is history.
My sponsor has said to me..
Humility, honesty, sincerity like he has done many many times.
My pride my self centred drive says
I can do it on my own
It makes me more of a man that way.
I am not an idiot
A bad person or a loser
I'm a sex/alcohol/smoking addict who is giving it everything in himself to find freedom from this nightmare.
I don't smoke when I'm not acting out.
Odd but there it is!
Bit of an unusual behavioural pattern but that's me. I am allergic to my bottom line behaviours they will end my life if I don't stay stopped, no control whatsoever it's over when my body is ready not me, if i start I am doomed to go on and on. The Gorilla in the ring thing!
Anyway on the upside...
I've booked my dog in for his annual health check and booster tomorrow.
I have 5 days of agency work booked for next week.
I've not been arrested
I've not had irreversible consequences
I just now owe more money.
My lovely mum is paying for my adorable dogs health check and booster jab tomorrow.
Because I am absolutely without any money at all!
Progressive illness... I'm at tsunami pace and depth now... No B.S.!
Progressive recovery for the thousand time I'm back at square one!
I maybe very sick addiction wise
But I am persistent at trying to break the back of this thing.
A thought popped into my head earlier it was this...
My higher power gives me everything I need but do I want it!
Or do I NOT want to have everything I need
But instead want only my addiction which will strip me of everything I need!
Ghoster.
Sober date set from tomorrow
5/January 2018. I had some residual behaviour early on today so tomorrow is my starting point.
I joined here in the Christmas holidays all over the place in my real life but getting some hope from here.
Then whoosh I'm out of here again.
As I've shared previously I have 3 main killer addictions in one destructive Powerless behavioural pattern all wrapped up nice and warm together like a heat seeking virus! It's cunning, baffling, powerful alright.
But I know there are sober and clean members here so I'm not going to give the problem big attention!
I survived this slip, my debts have increased I now have more consequences to deal with.
It was withdrawal that I could not tolerate 😥 so off I went to my old friend!
And my AV said -' hey.. walk this way'
Rest is history.
My sponsor has said to me..
Humility, honesty, sincerity like he has done many many times.
My pride my self centred drive says
I can do it on my own
It makes me more of a man that way.
I am not an idiot
A bad person or a loser
I'm a sex/alcohol/smoking addict who is giving it everything in himself to find freedom from this nightmare.
I don't smoke when I'm not acting out.
Odd but there it is!
Bit of an unusual behavioural pattern but that's me. I am allergic to my bottom line behaviours they will end my life if I don't stay stopped, no control whatsoever it's over when my body is ready not me, if i start I am doomed to go on and on. The Gorilla in the ring thing!
Anyway on the upside...
I've booked my dog in for his annual health check and booster tomorrow.
I have 5 days of agency work booked for next week.
I've not been arrested
I've not had irreversible consequences
I just now owe more money.
My lovely mum is paying for my adorable dogs health check and booster jab tomorrow.
Because I am absolutely without any money at all!
Progressive illness... I'm at tsunami pace and depth now... No B.S.!
Progressive recovery for the thousand time I'm back at square one!
I maybe very sick addiction wise
But I am persistent at trying to break the back of this thing.
A thought popped into my head earlier it was this...
My higher power gives me everything I need but do I want it!
Or do I NOT want to have everything I need
But instead want only my addiction which will strip me of everything I need!
Ghoster.
Sober date set from tomorrow
5/January 2018. I had some residual behaviour early on today so tomorrow is my starting point.
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