BrunetteBabe05

I am making another post because I'm so distraught. My boyfriend who is recovering from alcohol, and in a rehab admitted to me that he had unprotected sex with 2 women while we were broken up.

When he was drunk he denied to the fullest that he slept with these women. He told me he just used them for female companionship, and did NOT sleep with them. I'm worried if I have an STD because I'm having burning pain in my private area. I am on Depo birth control, but I believed him drunk when he said he didn't have sex with these women, so I had "unprotected" sex with him.

Well, I asked him last night on the phone in the rehab he's in if he lied about that because I'm having symptoms of a possible STD, and I said it would only be right if you told me so I can tell my doctor. He said "he only slept with two women". He denies sleeping with that Crackwhore Kaitlyn but I think he did and is ashamed of it. I asked him "why would you do that to me? And have unprotected sex with these women and not even protect yourself? Why would you lie to me? Why wouldn't you tell me upfront that you had unprotected sex with these women? Or at least wore a condom with me? That was low. How could you say to me that you didn't have sex with these women because you are afraid of pregnancy and STDs but yet you did?" He said "I wasn't even hard Olivia. I missed and loved you. I only wanted you, but I was a drunken idiot who is a piece of a ****. You don't deserve that. I didn't know layna would have a STD, I knew her since high school, plus wouldn't she tell me? I'm sorry Olivia. I am a piece of **** and I was a drunken piece of **** to lie to you." I said "no girl is going to tell you they have an STD Jake. That's the most moronic **** I've ever heard. You didn't protect me, nor did you protect yourself. You lied and made it seem like Layna was a good friend and not a **** you messed around with. If I have an STD we are over. I will never forgive you." He said "Olivia. I tried to have sex with them but I wasn't even hard. I was drunk and lonely. I shouldn't have done it, but I wasn't trying to hurt you. I will hate myself if I give you an STD. But don't push the panic button you might not have one." I just hung up.

I am so deeply hurt I might have an STD because he wasn't honest. He keeps blaming it on his alcoholism. We were broken up for 3 months, so he could have sex with anyone he wants, but it makes me sick he didn't tell me, or tried to protect me. It makes me sick that everything seemed to be going good and perfect. He is like a gentleman, and treated me like a princess. He's doing well sober, yet this came about and I don't know if I can forgive him for having sex with someone else. It makes me sick. Now I'm depressed and anxious because I hope everything comes back negative and it's something else. How do I deal with this? And what would you do? Would you hold it against him or was it really his alcoholism? Because he is ashamed if I got an STD and now he's worried about himself and wants tested. So I'm just heartbroken because everything seemed to be going great since he has been in the rehab. Now this happened. I don't know if I can handle this.

dandylion

BrunetteBabe....you are so young...(23). so much of your young life has been taken up with the chaos of being in a relationship with this guy.
Your relationship has had tons of turmoil...as you have described it , in your po sts....
These years of your life should be among the most carefree and fun ones of your life.
I am concerned that you are throwing this time of your life away on someone who has so many major problems that he will have to deal with all of his life.....
Alcoholism is forever....he can work to keep it in remission...but, relapse is only one drink away....no matter how old he is.....
You indicated that he is bi-polar....if that is a true diagnosis...then, he will have to manage that for the rest of his life..... and, do you know all the symptoms of a hypomanic state/manic state...? One symptom can be hypersexuality and promiscuity....As upset as you are about this behavior when you were broken-up....would you ever want to revisit this again...?
Even if he does grab on to the program while in rehab....it will be two or three years before you can begin to see if he is gaining the judgement and maturity to manage his conditions...to even begin to trust your life to him....and, even then....there are no gurantees in life.....
Luckily, you have no children, now.....(having children with an alcoholic can be a nightmare...and, you could end up being a single parent, down the road).....
The kinds of decisions that you make, at this age, can have consequences for you whole future life....
I think you need to take the time to really think about these things....
And, take a few more years for your own self development...and, some adventures of your o wn, before tying yourself down......

Hawkeye13

I agree with dandy--this guy is a mess, and it will be years, if ever,
for him to (if all things are optimal, which is doubtful) mature into
a worthy partner who can give as well as take.

You're too young to sign on for all now.
Let him go, let him grow,
and you take care of you

PuzzledHeart

Like Anvilhead said in your previous thread -get tested ASAP if you haven't already. You don't need your boyfriend's permission - you just do it. And you need to make sure you get tested for HIV as well. I knew too many women who got infected as their husbands swore up down and sideways that they weren't cheating on them.

From your previous thread...
It shouldn't matter if you get an STD or not. The fact is that he lied to you to avoid confrontation while completely disregarding your safety and health.

I could imagine that he will say something like "Oh, I'm getting so much better. I'm learning things here in rehab and it's going to be a brand new beginning for both of us. I was such a damaged person before rehab but now I've changed and now you've got Boyfriend 2.0." How do you know that the things he learned in rehab are going to stick? Once he's out of that sheltered environment, how will you know he won't revert back to his old ways once he comes back to reality?

I'm so sorry.

I'm not a therapist so take this with a MAJOR grain of salt - but do you think one of the reasons you stay with him is so you can stay connected to Shayla? Mourn her, but don't let her death be the foundation of your relationship with him. The relationship you have with your boyfriend, or any romantic partner for that matter, should be based on trust and respect, not loss.

And right now you can't trust him.

Angrymarble

I would end things. It’s easy to end things now
- you are young and have no ties that can’t be broken. He lied, cheated and exposed you.

I’ve woke up 5 months ago and realized my husband is an alcoholic. I love him and I think he now gets it... but when I was thinking of leaving it was hard, hard, hard. We have 3 kids.

You need to protect your heart.

Bekindalways

Hey BB05, this sounds horrible to go through. Please let us know that you got tested.

Unfortunately, as painful as this is to go through it can get worse. Much worse.

My qualifier had several children with several different women before winding up in jail for three years. I could see it coming and so I got out before it got bad. Still it was beyond painful.

Please, please take care of yourself and find an Alanon meeting. It might not be for you but it has been a help for a lot of people.

Big hug to you!

SparkleKitty

Brunette, I would not trust this person with my body, my heart, my future, or my time. He has a lot of growing to do before he will ever remotely be a healthy prospective partner--for you or anyone. You deserve far better than you can reasonably expect from him.

BrunetteBabe05

Sorry I can't reply to each and every one of you. But thank you so much for the love and support. I'm so distraught and upset because I am an innocent girl who shouldn't have to deal with a possible STD because I wasn't the one sleeping with guys. I shouldn't have to go through this mental anguish if it is a STD or something else. Then I have to wait 6, months for an AIDS test, so my anxiety is through the roof.

I am trying to take care of myself. I have a therapist. Jake is acting really aggressive because he hates himself, so he's taking it out on me. He now is saying he doesn't even remember having sex with me. He doesn't remember having sex with these women until I mentioned it to him, then it clicked. I don't know if I believe that. He keeps saying he deliberately wasn't trying to lie or hurt me. He really was messed up and drunk, and didn't remember, but how could you not remember having sex with someone, and he profusely told me he would never do that to me. He even said "your hand is the best thing ever because no pregnancies, no STDs." He made it seem like he just hung out with him to have female companionship, but he just straight up lied and he either does grasp that he did wrong and is acting angry. Or he is lying once again.

He is remorseful. It's sad how everything seemed to be going good and he was treating me like a princess for once, but now this is a huge setback. He just keeps saying he doesn't remember until I mentioned it.

I got tested today. It's been a month later. So it will show up. The last time we had intercourse was November 30th. So I'm good, he's getting tested too, but with the holidays coming up he won't be able to see a doctor till Tuesday. I won't get my test results back until Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm hoping it's just something else like a UTI, or "girl problems". I automatically jumped the gun on STD, but I'm hoping it's not that and just something us women get. My doctor also ordered blood work. I'll give everyone an update. Thank you all. Love you all for the support. Xoxo. I'm so anxious and horribly anxiety ridden. Can't believe he would do this to me.

Nata1980

Yikes. Sorry you are going through this. On a side note “I blacked out, I don’t remember”, and various excuses about lack of hardness - so typical. Like matters....there is more than 1 way to catch an STD.

You are so young - cut your losses, dump him for good (no contact), get tested. Whether you get an STD or not (I hope not) - should not determine what you do. Those women could have all of them - even if your ABF did not catch anything - does not make them clean.

You don’t want to be with anyone who will endanger your health like this. Playing Russian roulette with my reproductive health - no thank you.

AnvilheadII

so i must presume you had unprotected sex with him in november?

here's the thing.....all this chaos and drama and gee don't remember and gosh i am so sorry crap revolves around HIM. claiming blackouts is a handy excuse. and we are talking about with more than ONE woman....there are multiple others. please do yourself a favor and assume the worst.

don't give this guy a pass. he's a horn dog, he was willingly out there engaging with other women and having sex. they didn't just fall asleep on the couch. you are not jumping the gun, you are wise to get checked if you have even the slightest suspicion.

remember at first he DENIED everything, only after time and more revelations did he start to concede that gee whiz, maybe he did screw somebody, or many somebodies.

i worry how many times you have said "he treated me like a princess". sorry hon, but real life ain't no disney movie.

SparkleKitty

It might be time to start trying to believe that he would do this to you. Because he did.

53500

Yes, absolutely. It is a deal breaker, IMO, that he did not tell you he had unprotected sex with others and then had unprotected sex with you. He literally put your life at risk. And now he's backtracking on this story??

He can't be trusted to give you the time of day. Run and don't look back.

dandylion

BrunetteBabe.....SparkleKitty makes a good point....to start believing the things that he really has done. I understand that you are very disappointed....that is natural....but, you have the rest of your life to consider.
The things he did when he was drunk, once, he will do again, when he is drunk. Are you counting that he will never take one drink, again, the rest of his life?
Do you k now that it is very unlikely that this will be the case--if you are being realistic.

I am going to give you some very motherly advice....for, if you do attach your self to his star....
At LEAST....give yourself a "backdoor"...so that you can get out of it without destroying your whole life....
1..Don't ever get pregnant with him....the most heartbreaking situations on this forum often come from those who have children with alcoholics/addicts.....
Plus, if he is bi-polar...there is a greater statistical chance that his offspring may, also be....
2. Do not invest your finances into him...don't co-sign anything with him...as you may find yourself saddled with debt that you did not accumulate...
3. Never, again, have unprotected sex with him....no matter what form of birth control you are on...no matter what he says. Protecting yourself is your own responsibility....that is just the way it works....
4. Do not sacrifice your career goals...or any other personal goals for any man.
Not him, or, any other.Women who do that, often end up living a life of regret.
5. Keep reading--keep learning....
6. Do not marry him....because, it is so much easier to get out of a relationship than out of a legal marriage....

dandylion

BrunetteBabe.....another thought, that, as a woman, I want to share with you.....

do you realize that there are millions of men, out here, in the world that "treat women like a princess"...all of the time....Well--princess is a very over used term, these days...
Lol....you should read about Lady Diana...who was married to Prince Charles, of England....She was a REAL princess...yet...he treated her horribly and she ended up dying a tragic death!
I digress....
There are men who don't just treat a woman nicely, sometimes....they treat them nicely all of the time...without exception. If a man treat you badly, in between the times that he treats you horribly----that is not good enough. That is not a healthy relationship,,,and not a healthy man...
You should not have to "pay" for the good times by suffering through the bad times...that means that you are willing to live off of crumbs....is that what you envision for your future life.
The marriage vows do not say---I will love and honor and respect you SOME of the time...when I am sober, or when I feel like it....

A partnership...marriage or otherwise is supposed to be based on respect (in addition to chemistry and attraction)....and, it is supposed to bring out the best in us. It is supposed to enrich our lives...
Most of all...it is not supposed to hurt....

If you have never seen relationships like this....you are young--get out into the world...meet different people...observe people...especially, the ones who seem to be thriving...not just existing....
You have soo much living to do....and, you can't do it waiting to see if an alcoholic is going to relapse....or, lie to you, again, or ridicule you, again, or cause you to stress over medical tests, again....

I think it would be terrific, if you would find a wo man's support group for yourself...it could offer you so m uch....
Why not look around on the internet to find one?

BrunetteBabe05

Hey Everyone. I hope everyone's New year's was good. All my tests came back and my blood tests all are negative on STD'S. It ended up being just being from my condition I have. It's embarrassing but I was diagnosed with Vulvodynia when I was 16. It's a nerve condition in the vulvar area. It mimics symptoms of UTI's, Yeast Infections, and BV because of the burning. But it's a nerve condition, so I was too embarrassed to say I have that, but that's what it all comes back too, my condition.

However, it doesn't change the fact that he lied and put me through that mental anguish. He also got tested and is negative as well on everything. It's still takes a toll on me because he always said when he was drunk he likes black girls. His actions backed that up because every time we broke up he always hit up black girls, and Layna the girl he slept with is black. So, it makes me feel inadequate.

I'm gonna see him tonight at the rehab and approach him why he's with me of he likes black women and this girl Layna wanted a relationship out of him from what it sounded like through his text messages, but yet he denied her and wanted me? I'm a pale girl with natural light brown hair. If black girls.are his type then why is he with someone who is the complete opposite? I want to ask him this in person as I feel it's too personal to talk about it over the phone, plus they only give you 10 minutes, and that's not enough time to address this problem, whereas I have 2 hours to talk about with him in person. Thanks everyone for your input. I'll try to reply to everyone's comments individually, but I've been so worried and anxious. I just wanted to give that update though that I don't have any STD'S luckily, but still dealing with crap. Thank you all. Much love. Xoxo.

SparkleKitty

Honey, I ask this kindly, what do you want with him?

You do not have to be with someone who makes you feel inadequate. I'm glad your test came back negative, but it doesn't change that what he has done to you is disrespectful and unworthy of your affection.

AnvilheadII

wow, racist much?

honeypig

BB--this isn't about black girls. It isn't about you being inadequate. It's about him being an alcoholic, and about you continuing to act as if you can reason w/him about his behavior.

You can't. That way lies madness.

Bekindalways

^^^^ This.

Babescake, please think deeply about the reasons you have chosen this man and what you want for yourself in the future.

dandylion

Sometimes we are attracted and bond with people who are not good for us....
When that happens---it is best to let our head guide us--rather than our heart.
LOL...after all, it is the heart that gets us in that kind of situation, in the first place.

Personally, I think you deserve a better future life than you are likely to have with this guy....
Best, I think, to wish him well and continue on your life journey.....you are still so young....