Short of leaving him, what have you tried?
Growing Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: right here
Posts: 614
Short of leaving him, what have you tried?
I am an x-drinker married to a still-drinking guy. I feel like I've tried everything to help him get this dealt with but I'm still here, so I know I have not tried everything. There are plenty of things I've steered clear of: telling his family, leaving him, making ultimatums. I just don't know if any of that would really do the trick. It all seems so controlling.
Having quit drinking myself 10 months ago with the significant help of my friends here at SR, I know that a person has to avail themselves of help and do the work. No one else can do it for them. So what is the spouse to do? I know you guys are full of ideas, lay them on me.
Thanks!
Having quit drinking myself 10 months ago with the significant help of my friends here at SR, I know that a person has to avail themselves of help and do the work. No one else can do it for them. So what is the spouse to do? I know you guys are full of ideas, lay them on me.
Thanks!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Well you can't change him so there you go! It really is about that simple...you are powerless over other people.
My husband is a daily drinker but other than that he is a really good guy so I make adjustments. My choice. I avoid him when he is drunk and I try to keep my focus on the good things about him. I support myself emotionally instead of waiting for him to do it, altho he does a pretty good job.
I have been in recovery for a long time and it has changed him whether he knows it or not. My own recovery has had a profound effect on our relationship even tho he still drinks and may always.
Hugs,
JT
My husband is a daily drinker but other than that he is a really good guy so I make adjustments. My choice. I avoid him when he is drunk and I try to keep my focus on the good things about him. I support myself emotionally instead of waiting for him to do it, altho he does a pretty good job.
I have been in recovery for a long time and it has changed him whether he knows it or not. My own recovery has had a profound effect on our relationship even tho he still drinks and may always.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Believe me, after being married to my AH for 14 years--I've tried EVERYTHING! And yes, I told his family, left him (temporary), and made ultamatums (many), but that all failed horribly. :banghead:
A few years ago I started to concentrate on what I could do for myself (I started al-anon, read a lot of books on co-dependency, and started private counseling) because my depression was becoming so overwhelming.
After a few months of counseling, it finally occured to me (and my counselor told me this from day one and so did the people in al-anon, but it took a few months for me to accept it because it was a very bitter pill to swallow) that I really didn't have any control over him or his drinking and had to come to accept the fact (and this was extremely difficult) that I didn't cause it and I couldn't stop it and it wasn't my job to make him realize he had a problem (I'd been trying for YEARS), and that he had to realize that on his own. It is very difficult to watch someone you care about do this to themselves, but it is true that there is nothing that you can do to make him stop drinking--it is all up to him. And yes, that stinks.
A few years ago I started to concentrate on what I could do for myself (I started al-anon, read a lot of books on co-dependency, and started private counseling) because my depression was becoming so overwhelming.
After a few months of counseling, it finally occured to me (and my counselor told me this from day one and so did the people in al-anon, but it took a few months for me to accept it because it was a very bitter pill to swallow) that I really didn't have any control over him or his drinking and had to come to accept the fact (and this was extremely difficult) that I didn't cause it and I couldn't stop it and it wasn't my job to make him realize he had a problem (I'd been trying for YEARS), and that he had to realize that on his own. It is very difficult to watch someone you care about do this to themselves, but it is true that there is nothing that you can do to make him stop drinking--it is all up to him. And yes, that stinks.
Growing Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: right here
Posts: 614
Thanks Blondie and JT - it helps so much to know I'm not alone. Just starting this thread was one thing I could do today to respond to what's going on. I can't go on doing nothing, it eats away at me.
I've done something else today too that may end up having effects I didn't forsee. I looked for an alanon meeting and told him I was going this morning. I decided to do this for myself, because it is on my list.
He reacted strongly to my going, which actually surprised me. I said, "I can't make you do anything. But I can take care of myself." We had a long talk which was good, but talk is -you know- cheep. Good but cheep! I want to see action.
I've done something else today too that may end up having effects I didn't forsee. I looked for an alanon meeting and told him I was going this morning. I decided to do this for myself, because it is on my list.
He reacted strongly to my going, which actually surprised me. I said, "I can't make you do anything. But I can take care of myself." We had a long talk which was good, but talk is -you know- cheep. Good but cheep! I want to see action.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Going to al-anon is a good first step. They have some brochures there that helped me too as well as the other members. I put off going for a while because I figured I didn't need it, but it helped me, and boy did I need it.
I kept the fact that I was going to al-anon and a private counselor from my husband because when we went to counseling (he attended one session) in the past, he refused to go to any more sessions and labeled the counselor a "nut" and denied he had ANY problem and kept bugging me and making fun of me and be very, very nasty until I stopped going. That was when I started to secretly go to al-anon and another private counselor. Every case is different, you just have to find what works for you.
I kept the fact that I was going to al-anon and a private counselor from my husband because when we went to counseling (he attended one session) in the past, he refused to go to any more sessions and labeled the counselor a "nut" and denied he had ANY problem and kept bugging me and making fun of me and be very, very nasty until I stopped going. That was when I started to secretly go to al-anon and another private counselor. Every case is different, you just have to find what works for you.
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
"If you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten. How's it working for you?"
HA! It wasn't working for me at all!!
I was only with my A b/f for 19 months. Only came to accept his drinking problem in the past 10 months and in those 10 months I tried every trick in the book - literally!!! Begging, cajoling, bargaining, beating him over the head with HIS problems, illustrating to him, over and over and OVER again how HIS drinking is hurting us... I've tried it all.
This past week was the final straw - I suppose I hit my bottom... and when you hit rock bottom you've got two ways to go -- straight up or sideways. I'm choosing to go "straight up".
I "left" him. OK, so we've been separated by 2000 miles since Dec.2003 -- my leaving him is a technicality, really... But the truth is, I no longer want to invest myself in a relationship in which my partner puts the booze before me. I don't like playing the part of "the other woman" nor do I like having someone or something else involved that affects our relationship to one another... I don't do threesomes and life with an active alcoholic is always going to involve a third party, so to speak, who takes up entirely too much of MY time and MY attention.
HA! It wasn't working for me at all!!
I was only with my A b/f for 19 months. Only came to accept his drinking problem in the past 10 months and in those 10 months I tried every trick in the book - literally!!! Begging, cajoling, bargaining, beating him over the head with HIS problems, illustrating to him, over and over and OVER again how HIS drinking is hurting us... I've tried it all.
This past week was the final straw - I suppose I hit my bottom... and when you hit rock bottom you've got two ways to go -- straight up or sideways. I'm choosing to go "straight up".
I "left" him. OK, so we've been separated by 2000 miles since Dec.2003 -- my leaving him is a technicality, really... But the truth is, I no longer want to invest myself in a relationship in which my partner puts the booze before me. I don't like playing the part of "the other woman" nor do I like having someone or something else involved that affects our relationship to one another... I don't do threesomes and life with an active alcoholic is always going to involve a third party, so to speak, who takes up entirely too much of MY time and MY attention.
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