Lostbirdie

Hi everyone,
It’s been over a month and a half since my breakup with AXBF and for the most part i’ve been slowly feeling a little better, but of course with anything it takes A LOT of time and healing.
The holidays have been particularly difficult but i managed to push through it with the help of my family and friends.
Despite this, i still have some pretty rough days, he’s still always on my mind, and i’ve noticed that the longer time passes the more resentment i’ve been habouring. I’ll have moments of complete depression, come to this site, read a few comments and feel a bit better. It’s a great community like this that really makes you feel less lonely.
I’m almost sure he’s moved on, and to be honest, that hurts ( although its solely my ego talking), and that’s what’s keeping me from completely healing.

My question is..

In times like this, where you are stuck in this realm of attempting to heal and being extremely hurt at the same time, what has been the BEST advice/realization that someone (or you yourself) has given you that made you change the way you look at the situation youre in?
What words of wisdom have you been going back to overcome the feelings of sadness/hurt and loneliness?

tomsteve

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future

Maudcat

It just takes time, LB.
Time heals.

nytepassion

The best advise I was given was to take all the engery and focus I was putting towards thinking about him and put it back on myself and my recovery. Every day keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk towards the kind of life you want to live.

Passion

Maudcat

nytepassion gives good advice.
Take all that energy and focus on yourself.
You will feel tons better.

Eddiebuckle

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” —Viktor Frankl

One of the things I heard in early sobriety that rocked me was this: "In this world pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." Suffering is what happens when we, consciously or otherwise, struggle to accept and move on from pain. The irony is that all too often our response to pain is an almost obsessive hurt, which traps us in a cycle of anger and suffering. If you are familiar with the 12 steps, this is what steps 2 and 3 are about.

Be gentle and patient with yourself in this time, do your best to let go of the past and add new things and people into your life that add joy. It takes time, but you will heal as you learn to let go.

Ann

The best advice I got was that holding on was an illusion that made me think I had some control of my son's addiction. Of course I did not.

Letting go lets us stop living in the problem (their addiction) and start living in the solution (OUR recovery).

Once I let go, I never had the desire to hang on again.

Pixels

God only gives his hardest tasks to his strongest Soldiers.

teatreeoil007

I know it's hard to let go and it may still hurt for some time to come......don't be ashamed of that; it is what it is and you're going to be okay. We are always here for you and support you.

Now, I kind of look at this as you are dealing with PAIN. So, you need some type of pain relief. DISTRACTION is one way I cope with pain. One thing that helps me is to stay busy, but not TOO busy and to set goals for myself and work toward those goals. I ADMIRE people who sets goals and acheive them. I want to be more like that, so that's something I'm working on. Keep your goals in site; meditate about them. I truly believe our minds are more powerful than we know. Maybe challenge yourself to learn a new skill and don't worry about flubbing up....

teatreeoil007

Back to your topic: Letting Go.

Truly letting go for reals has usually been more of a process for me than an overnight sensation. Just how I'm wired, perhaps. It seems to me some people are able to just let go more easily and more QUICKLY....Maybe the more we MOURN....the more it's a process and a grieving process at that.

Food for thought: Some people who seem to let go quickly may not truly be letting go at the moment, but are really, when it's all said and done....they are merely postponing it. They put it on the back burner, so to speak and then it hits them later they never really let go and now are faced with it.

Rpb1993

Letting go of my AXB has been the hardest thing ive ever done. I can completely understand where you're coming from. It's almost like I made this post myself. Although i cant say I'm completely healed from him, i can look back at the first couple mnths after the breakup and look at myself now. There has been lots of growth and acceptance in me since then. Sure, i could have focused more on myself and cut off contact sooner. But all in all, it gets better everyday. It's a loss. Any kind of loss in life is heart breaking. Feel every emotion you need to feel. Don't be afraid of grief. It gets better, and will only continue to get better. Look at the whole picture and remember why it cant work out. Put yourself and your healing above everything else. Let me kmow if you ever need to talk. Take care. Hugs. Keep us updated.

CCMT

I was just wondering how you were couple months later..?