My sober boyfriend is talking about his dead ex girlfriend, should I be concerned?
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
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My sober boyfriend is talking about his dead ex girlfriend, should I be concerned?
Hi everyone. Sorry I went MIA . As you all know I was with an alcoholic. I was away from him, and went NC. But then the first week of December, I received letters from him. They were letters of guilt and owning up. I never expected that in my life. He never owned up to anything. Everything was always MY fault. The fact that he said he felt like his soul was detached and nobody measures up to me, and he is sorry for cheating, lying, and abusing me while drinking was not like him, so I was shocked to read that. He said he's going into rehab. Well, he's been two weeks sober and he is doing better. He is different. I was shocked. I saw him a couple of times after the letters before he went into the rehab.
When I visited him the first time in his rehab, he treated me like a princess. He was so caring, nice, and gentlemen like. It was the Jake I met when we first dated. He really showed his care and compassion towards me that I thought I would never see.
Well, just today he called me and asked if I would print out pictures of Shayla. That's his ex and his first girlfriend. She was my best friend that died, and I found her dead. Her death took a MAJOR toll on me, but I dealt with it sober. I asked him why, he said "because there's a group that talks about deceased loved ones that died due to addiction. Plus I have a lot of guilt. I didn't treat her good." I said "well you didn't treat me good either Jake, do not remember?" He said "No, I do, but I can work it out with you, but I can't work it out with her."
I realized I might have let my emotions get the best of me because that was his first gf, and she's dead. It bothered me so bad he felt bad about what he did to her, but not me. I also realized that he used alcohol to numb his pain, and didn't grieve. Whereas, I grieved sober and dealt with it, so maybe it's all hitting him now. I thought maybe I should be more sensitive, but I always felt second, or unimportant, so I think that's why my insecurities really jumped in.
He also said to send him pictures of me and him. But I just was wondering what you all think? Is this normal in recovery? Him and Shayla were both addicts and were together for 3 years then they remained platonic friends for the next 5 years until she died. It was his frist gf too, and they both lost their virginities to each other. I might be insensitive, but I guess I feel like he's in love with her, and I don't mean anything to him. I feel like he feels guilt towards her, but no guilt towards me. But he did say "I could work it out with you though, you're alive." So, can someone please give me their input? Is this all hitting him now two years later because he's sober now? I thought it was inappropriate to ask me, but then again she was my best friend, and he knows that for a fact. So I just don't know if I should let it go that he's talking about her? And feels guilty? Thank you.
When I visited him the first time in his rehab, he treated me like a princess. He was so caring, nice, and gentlemen like. It was the Jake I met when we first dated. He really showed his care and compassion towards me that I thought I would never see.
Well, just today he called me and asked if I would print out pictures of Shayla. That's his ex and his first girlfriend. She was my best friend that died, and I found her dead. Her death took a MAJOR toll on me, but I dealt with it sober. I asked him why, he said "because there's a group that talks about deceased loved ones that died due to addiction. Plus I have a lot of guilt. I didn't treat her good." I said "well you didn't treat me good either Jake, do not remember?" He said "No, I do, but I can work it out with you, but I can't work it out with her."
I realized I might have let my emotions get the best of me because that was his first gf, and she's dead. It bothered me so bad he felt bad about what he did to her, but not me. I also realized that he used alcohol to numb his pain, and didn't grieve. Whereas, I grieved sober and dealt with it, so maybe it's all hitting him now. I thought maybe I should be more sensitive, but I always felt second, or unimportant, so I think that's why my insecurities really jumped in.
He also said to send him pictures of me and him. But I just was wondering what you all think? Is this normal in recovery? Him and Shayla were both addicts and were together for 3 years then they remained platonic friends for the next 5 years until she died. It was his frist gf too, and they both lost their virginities to each other. I might be insensitive, but I guess I feel like he's in love with her, and I don't mean anything to him. I feel like he feels guilt towards her, but no guilt towards me. But he did say "I could work it out with you though, you're alive." So, can someone please give me their input? Is this all hitting him now two years later because he's sober now? I thought it was inappropriate to ask me, but then again she was my best friend, and he knows that for a fact. So I just don't know if I should let it go that he's talking about her? And feels guilty? Thank you.
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Location: UK
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Well, if it's a 12-step program in his facility he's likely to be working through his inventory, which will include harms that he felt he did people amongst other things. My sponsee showed me a scrapbook / journal type thing that she completed as part of the reflection she did in rehab, and that had all kinds of stuff in it. Maybe its for something similar.
BB
BB
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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I have no experience with rehab, so other people may have better advice. I think you should let this one go. I mean, drug use is going to make things hazy for people. He's trying to dig through his past and make things "right". If it were me, I would give him the pictures, let him do what he needs to do emotionally to be at peace with himself.
You didn't say how long you were NC for... I would go back to NC after you give him the pictures. You don't own him and he doesn't owe you a relationship. Focus on your recovery from codependency by joining Naranon/Alanon. Don't worry too much about what he's doing and thinking. His apology to you for was him, not you. His wanting to discuss his ex in recovery is for him, not about you or his relationship to you.
Also, 2 weeks sober is not really that sober. I think it sounds like he's taking the right steps. Maybe you are suspicious that he might try to triangulate you and the dead ex... because for some dysfunctional people, more drama is more awesome? I would try to go back to NC... because right now, he's not going to be able to handle managing your feelings about his process. I think you will get more clarity in time.
You didn't say how long you were NC for... I would go back to NC after you give him the pictures. You don't own him and he doesn't owe you a relationship. Focus on your recovery from codependency by joining Naranon/Alanon. Don't worry too much about what he's doing and thinking. His apology to you for was him, not you. His wanting to discuss his ex in recovery is for him, not about you or his relationship to you.
Also, 2 weeks sober is not really that sober. I think it sounds like he's taking the right steps. Maybe you are suspicious that he might try to triangulate you and the dead ex... because for some dysfunctional people, more drama is more awesome? I would try to go back to NC... because right now, he's not going to be able to handle managing your feelings about his process. I think you will get more clarity in time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I agree with the others. Give him the pictures and wish him well...and go forward with your own life.
I think it would be asking for more trouble and pain to resume a relationship with him. You are very vulnerable to relapse at this time.
He is still in very, very early recovery...it will take two or three years to tell how his recovery is going to go....
I have heard it said that a relationship is like pouring gasoline on one's character defects.....and, I believe that....
I think it would be asking for more trouble and pain to resume a relationship with him. You are very vulnerable to relapse at this time.
He is still in very, very early recovery...it will take two or three years to tell how his recovery is going to go....
I have heard it said that a relationship is like pouring gasoline on one's character defects.....and, I believe that....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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This was my thought as well....
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
Well, if it's a 12-step program in his facility he's likely to be working through his inventory, which will include harms that he felt he did people amongst other things. My sponsee showed me a scrapbook / journal type thing that she completed as part of the reflection she did in rehab, and that had all kinds of stuff in it. Maybe its for something similar.
BB
BB
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
So glad you came back BB05.
I imagine this was pretty painful for you to bring up this person who had been important to both of you.
I hope you are working your own recovery and reading up on what the first year of recovery is like for alcoholics and those that are around them. I have heard it isn't pretty.
I imagine this was pretty painful for you to bring up this person who had been important to both of you.
I hope you are working your own recovery and reading up on what the first year of recovery is like for alcoholics and those that are around them. I have heard it isn't pretty.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Bigger problems
First off I want to say thank you for everyone's input I greatly appreciate it. I'm not seeing my therapist until next week but I just started seeing her 2 weeks ago, and she's been great!
It's sad because I was upset about my bf bringing up his deceased ex, but now I have bigger problems.
Sorry if this is TMI, but I have been have burning pain in my private area. I was worried it would be an STD. Me and my bf had intercourse before he went into the rehab. It's sad because him being sober seems to be going good. Other than this mishap of my emotions, but he treated me like a princess when I saw him in rehab. Such a gentleman, I was on cloud nine, and happy.
Well...I asked him if slept with that Crackwhore Kaitlyn. He kept saying he didn't sleep with anyone and only used these women for female companionship. I believed him because he even said "I don't want to risk STDs, and pregnancy, so I refused to have sex with those women. I was just trying to fill the void because I was miserable and missing you. Plus I thought you were dating that cop. Plus I couldn't even have sex with them because I missed you and loved you, they were nothing." He said that intoxicated though, he wasn't sober, but I believed him.
Then, I asked him last night on the phone if he was telling the truth, and if he slept with Kaitlyn. He said "no", I said "did you sleep with any of these women Jake because I might have an STD. And I certainly didn't sleep with anyone, nor have I even kissed a guy." He said "I tried to have sex with two of the women. But I was too drunk and couldn't get hard." He denies to the fullest he slept with Kaitlyn. I don't think he's being honest, I think he slept with all of them and didn't "try" to. He kept saying he was sorry, and he was a drunken idiot. I said "why would you lie? Why wouldn't you protect me, and tell me you slept with these women and had unprotected sex with them? Why didn't you wear a condom for at least my own protection?" He said "I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. I'm a piece of ****. I hate myself now if you have a STD. I wasn't thinking and I should've been honest with you. I'm sorry." I said I had to go.
Now I'm hoping everything will come back negative on STDs but I am literally numb, shocked, and disgusted that he slept with that Crackwhore Kaitlyn (he won't admit it but I know he did) and he slept with this one girl who is a ***** from what I know from other people. He made this one girl layna sound like strictly as a friend. He didn't give me any indication he slept with her. I can't believe the lies, and that's why I'm hurt. He should've protected me instead of convincing me he didn't **** any of these women, when he did. He shouldn't have said "I would never do that to you Olivia. You're my world, and I would never pass an STD onto you, or hurt you, plus it's not worth it because I don't want to get a girl pregnant and I don't want an STD." For him to say that, and I might possibly have one, or for him to say that when he did have sex with these women makes me so sick.
I'm crying as I type this because everything seemed to be going good, and now I'm set back from this. We were broken up, so he had a right to have sex with whoever, but it's the point that he lied about it, and he didn't even use protection for himself. Now that I know he had his penis on some nasty ***** (because that's all he knows) I don't know if I can forgive him. Especially if I have a STD, oh he's done. I'll never go back. He keeps blaming it on his drunkenness, his alcoholism, but I still can't get by the fact he actually admitted to sleeping with these women while we were broken up. I am so depressed and upset because everything was going perfect, now everything is going bad again.
It's sad because I was upset about my bf bringing up his deceased ex, but now I have bigger problems.
Sorry if this is TMI, but I have been have burning pain in my private area. I was worried it would be an STD. Me and my bf had intercourse before he went into the rehab. It's sad because him being sober seems to be going good. Other than this mishap of my emotions, but he treated me like a princess when I saw him in rehab. Such a gentleman, I was on cloud nine, and happy.
Well...I asked him if slept with that Crackwhore Kaitlyn. He kept saying he didn't sleep with anyone and only used these women for female companionship. I believed him because he even said "I don't want to risk STDs, and pregnancy, so I refused to have sex with those women. I was just trying to fill the void because I was miserable and missing you. Plus I thought you were dating that cop. Plus I couldn't even have sex with them because I missed you and loved you, they were nothing." He said that intoxicated though, he wasn't sober, but I believed him.
Then, I asked him last night on the phone if he was telling the truth, and if he slept with Kaitlyn. He said "no", I said "did you sleep with any of these women Jake because I might have an STD. And I certainly didn't sleep with anyone, nor have I even kissed a guy." He said "I tried to have sex with two of the women. But I was too drunk and couldn't get hard." He denies to the fullest he slept with Kaitlyn. I don't think he's being honest, I think he slept with all of them and didn't "try" to. He kept saying he was sorry, and he was a drunken idiot. I said "why would you lie? Why wouldn't you protect me, and tell me you slept with these women and had unprotected sex with them? Why didn't you wear a condom for at least my own protection?" He said "I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. I'm a piece of ****. I hate myself now if you have a STD. I wasn't thinking and I should've been honest with you. I'm sorry." I said I had to go.
Now I'm hoping everything will come back negative on STDs but I am literally numb, shocked, and disgusted that he slept with that Crackwhore Kaitlyn (he won't admit it but I know he did) and he slept with this one girl who is a ***** from what I know from other people. He made this one girl layna sound like strictly as a friend. He didn't give me any indication he slept with her. I can't believe the lies, and that's why I'm hurt. He should've protected me instead of convincing me he didn't **** any of these women, when he did. He shouldn't have said "I would never do that to you Olivia. You're my world, and I would never pass an STD onto you, or hurt you, plus it's not worth it because I don't want to get a girl pregnant and I don't want an STD." For him to say that, and I might possibly have one, or for him to say that when he did have sex with these women makes me so sick.
I'm crying as I type this because everything seemed to be going good, and now I'm set back from this. We were broken up, so he had a right to have sex with whoever, but it's the point that he lied about it, and he didn't even use protection for himself. Now that I know he had his penis on some nasty ***** (because that's all he knows) I don't know if I can forgive him. Especially if I have a STD, oh he's done. I'll never go back. He keeps blaming it on his drunkenness, his alcoholism, but I still can't get by the fact he actually admitted to sleeping with these women while we were broken up. I am so depressed and upset because everything was going perfect, now everything is going bad again.
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