New to finding help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
New to finding help
I have loved reading posts on this site. Insulation and feeling alone robs us of joy. I appreciate the support of others and look forward to checking in for help. My husband is an alcoholic and we have been married 23 years. He is up and down with his drinking and when sober he is loving smart and great company. It is definitely a disease and he will need outside help to recover from it. But his pride has always stopped him. He says he can do it himself but 23 years shows it can't happen that way. Delusional and addicted, he lives in denial. One question I do have is that I have read that "words don't help" and loved ones should detach. What does that look like? Thanks for your advice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome Waitingtoolong…..
Glad you posted and I hope you continue to stick around.
Detaching with love……..
Learn NOT to obsess over his drinking.
When you are around him don’t try and figure out if he’s been drinking or not.
Don’t count empties or search for hidden bottles.
Avoid arguing about his drinking.
Don’t snoop around in his life looking for signs of his drinking.
Don’t babysit him or wait around for him to come home so that you can then go out and enjoy life.
Don’t offer advise unless asked.
If you have to say something more than once, it’s nagging, don’t nag.
Only offer help when asked, don’t volunteer to do things he should be doing for himself.
Learn that detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means caring for yourself first and allowing others to take responsibility for their actions without trying to save or punish them.
Learn to enjoy a life outside of the marriage with family and friends, travel, shop, go to the movies, have a girl’s night out.
Don’t postpone things you want to do because you are not sure how intoxicated he might get, instead go without him and leave him home.
Those are just some things off the top of my head. I'm sure others will be around shortly with more!!
Glad you posted and I hope you continue to stick around.
Detaching with love……..
Learn NOT to obsess over his drinking.
When you are around him don’t try and figure out if he’s been drinking or not.
Don’t count empties or search for hidden bottles.
Avoid arguing about his drinking.
Don’t snoop around in his life looking for signs of his drinking.
Don’t babysit him or wait around for him to come home so that you can then go out and enjoy life.
Don’t offer advise unless asked.
If you have to say something more than once, it’s nagging, don’t nag.
Only offer help when asked, don’t volunteer to do things he should be doing for himself.
Learn that detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means caring for yourself first and allowing others to take responsibility for their actions without trying to save or punish them.
Learn to enjoy a life outside of the marriage with family and friends, travel, shop, go to the movies, have a girl’s night out.
Don’t postpone things you want to do because you are not sure how intoxicated he might get, instead go without him and leave him home.
Those are just some things off the top of my head. I'm sure others will be around shortly with more!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome Waiting. I'm glad you found us and hope you find support here.
Detaching for me meant realizing my qualifier had a journey of addiction to walk in his life and this didn't really have anything to do with me. I had to follow my own dreams (education, language and travel) and work on my own hang-ups (people pleasing, depression and anger).
Have you tried an Alanon meeting? Just because he decides to do it alone doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Also Codependent No More is a bit of a bible in these parts.
Keep posting and let us know how you get on.
Detaching for me meant realizing my qualifier had a journey of addiction to walk in his life and this didn't really have anything to do with me. I had to follow my own dreams (education, language and travel) and work on my own hang-ups (people pleasing, depression and anger).
Have you tried an Alanon meeting? Just because he decides to do it alone doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Also Codependent No More is a bit of a bible in these parts.
Keep posting and let us know how you get on.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Detachment for me, means that when A is talking (and let's say that A is drunk), I put up an emotional barrier by looking at them as if they are insane.
Like a creature from another planet.
Someone whose opinion is, by definition, probably nonsense.
So it just starts bouncing off me, like there is a protective wall I call "detaching with love", and it keeps me from getting mad, and also from getting my feelings hurt.
It is possible to do it with love, putting up a mental wall between sane and insane, between planet earth and planet crazy. Then hiding behind that wall in your own thoughts -- this will give you a sense of mental freedom. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it just keeps things in perspective. If anything you will mostly just feel sad and sorry for them.
If you ask Al Anon people about detachment, you will get a lot of interesting thoughts and even techniques that are practical.
Warm wishes!!
Like a creature from another planet.
Someone whose opinion is, by definition, probably nonsense.
So it just starts bouncing off me, like there is a protective wall I call "detaching with love", and it keeps me from getting mad, and also from getting my feelings hurt.
It is possible to do it with love, putting up a mental wall between sane and insane, between planet earth and planet crazy. Then hiding behind that wall in your own thoughts -- this will give you a sense of mental freedom. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it just keeps things in perspective. If anything you will mostly just feel sad and sorry for them.
If you ask Al Anon people about detachment, you will get a lot of interesting thoughts and even techniques that are practical.
Warm wishes!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by djayr 
Detachment for me, means that when A is talking (and let's say that A is drunk), I put up an emotional barrier by looking at them as if they are insane.
Like a creature from another planet.
Someone whose opinion is, by definition, probably nonsense.
So it just starts bouncing off me, like there is a protective wall I call "detaching with love", and it keeps me from getting mad, and also from getting my feelings hurt.
It is possible to do it with love, putting up a mental wall between sane and insane, between planet earth and planet crazy. Then hiding behind that wall in your own thoughts -- this will give you a sense of mental freedom. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it just keeps things in perspective. If anything you will mostly just feel sad and sorry for them.
If you ask Al Anon people about detachment, you will get a lot of interesting thoughts and even techniques that are practical.
Warm wishes!!
Like a creature from another planet.
Someone whose opinion is, by definition, probably nonsense.
So it just starts bouncing off me, like there is a protective wall I call "detaching with love", and it keeps me from getting mad, and also from getting my feelings hurt.
It is possible to do it with love, putting up a mental wall between sane and insane, between planet earth and planet crazy. Then hiding behind that wall in your own thoughts -- this will give you a sense of mental freedom. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it just keeps things in perspective. If anything you will mostly just feel sad and sorry for them.
If you ask Al Anon people about detachment, you will get a lot of interesting thoughts and even techniques that are practical.
Warm wishes!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by atalose
Welcome Waitingtoolong…..
Glad you posted and I hope you continue to stick around.
Detaching with love……..
Learn NOT to obsess over his drinking.
When you are around him don’t try and figure out if he’s been drinking or not.
Don’t count empties or search for hidden bottles.
Avoid arguing about his drinking.
Don’t snoop around in his life looking for signs of his drinking.
Don’t babysit him or wait around for him to come home so that you can then go out and enjoy life.
Don’t offer advise unless asked.
If you have to say something more than once, it’s nagging, don’t nag.
Only offer help when asked, don’t volunteer to do things he should be doing for himself.
Learn that detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means caring for yourself first and allowing others to take responsibility for their actions without trying to save or punish them.
Learn to enjoy a life outside of the marriage with family and friends, travel, shop, go to the movies, have a girl’s night out.
Don’t postpone things you want to do because you are not sure how intoxicated he might get, instead go without him and leave him home.
Those are just some things off the top of my head. I'm sure others will be around shortly with more!!
Glad you posted and I hope you continue to stick around.
Detaching with love……..
Learn NOT to obsess over his drinking.
When you are around him don’t try and figure out if he’s been drinking or not.
Don’t count empties or search for hidden bottles.
Avoid arguing about his drinking.
Don’t snoop around in his life looking for signs of his drinking.
Don’t babysit him or wait around for him to come home so that you can then go out and enjoy life.
Don’t offer advise unless asked.
If you have to say something more than once, it’s nagging, don’t nag.
Only offer help when asked, don’t volunteer to do things he should be doing for himself.
Learn that detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means caring for yourself first and allowing others to take responsibility for their actions without trying to save or punish them.
Learn to enjoy a life outside of the marriage with family and friends, travel, shop, go to the movies, have a girl’s night out.
Don’t postpone things you want to do because you are not sure how intoxicated he might get, instead go without him and leave him home.
Those are just some things off the top of my head. I'm sure others will be around shortly with more!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Waiting....I am sending you t he following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will take the time to read through them.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
here is one article from that long list or articles...that, I think would be of great interest to you...(but DO read all of the others)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
here is one article from that long list or articles...that, I think would be of great interest to you...(but DO read all of the others)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
One practical thing that helped for me when I was living with an active alcoholic (and perhaps unconsciously anticipated some of the wisdom from AlAnon) was what I called my 1-1-myself strategy: in talking to ex about anything, especially household stuff, I would mention something once (e.g. "I think we need to replace the back step"; ex would respond something like "yeah, I'll put that on my list"), remind ONCE and not more ("have you been able to fix the step yet?"; ex would say something like "yeah, I'll get around it"); then do whatever I needed to do to address the problem myself (e.g. I fixed the step, even though ex had said he would do it). Mention once, remind once, do it myself - could be applied to lots of home situations which crop up with alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
One practical thing that helped for me when I was living with an active alcoholic (and perhaps unconsciously anticipated some of the wisdom from AlAnon) was what I called my 1-1-myself strategy: in talking to ex about anything, especially household stuff, I would mention something once (e.g. "I think we need to replace the back step"; ex would respond something like "yeah, I'll put that on my list"), remind ONCE and not more ("have you been able to fix the step yet?"; ex would say something like "yeah, I'll get around it"); then do whatever I needed to do to address the problem myself (e.g. I fixed the step, even though ex had said he would do it). Mention once, remind once, do it myself - could be applied to lots of home situations which crop up with alcoholics.
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