batchel9

My STBXAH and I no longer live together. However because of the kids and still separating stuff we still talk a lot. I feel like his drinking still bothers me despite knowing the end is near. I texted him this morning to ask something about the doctors and he hasn't responded. It doesn't even show "Delivered" which means his phone is probably dead somewhere. There was also no one around him or with him yesterday which means he probably drank. Why does this still bother me? I still care about him. I want him to get better. But I don't want to live with this anxiety any more. How did you detach??

SparkleKitty

I found that detachment took practice, and conscious effort. Resisting one urge to reach out about something that was not an emergency made the next urge easier to let pass. It wasn't a straight line, but re-orienting my own thinking away from seeing myself as part of the relationship and towards us as separate individuals helped.

hopeful4

You stop. You don't contact him unless it is 100% necessary about your children, and nothing else. When my XAH and I first separated, I talked to him and text w/him all the time. It gave me such anxiety.

I had to come to realize there was nothing I could say or do to make him any different in any way, shape, or form, and that he is who he is. And is 100% in control of his own actions, or recovery, if he chose that, which he did not.

No contact as much as possible, it's the only way.

Hawkeye13

Yes, no contact except kids only when necessary.

You rip the bandaid off each time you engage him right now. . .

atalose

I would limit the talk. Use email regarding separating stuff and the kids, that way you have things in writing and not just hear say from conversations.

You have to make a conscious effort to detach and then you need to follow that up with a plan. Like al-anon, a sponsor, calling good friends instead of the person who causes you the most pain.

We can still care about the people we no longer want in our everyday lives.

Caring, kindness and love doesn’t always have to be an action, it could be a quiet prayer for them.

What I discovered was my inability to understand healthy behaviors because my codependency told me that worry, anxiety, stress and overly thinking of someone else’s life at the emotional cost of my own was how love was shown.

glenl

It took me over 35 years to understand this and it still stings every time I realize how blind I was going through life - completely subverting my own needs and feelings at every turn, and no one was actually *asking* me to, I just didn't know any better.

There have certainly been those who have taken advantage of my weakness in this regard, but mostly no one knew I was doing this.

AnvilheadII

i think we have to learn to NOT read so much into a single act or event and just stick to the FACTS. in this case you sent a TEXT. he did not reply. it "appears" the text was not delivered.

that is ALL you know for certain. everything else is conjecture. that is not to say that this conjecture is way off base, however, it is not FACT.

dandylion

batchel.....continue to read in our extensive library of articles...there is a lot of info on detaching in those articles.....
I am giving you the following link. There is also a lot of info. in the alanon literature.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

batchel9

I ended up finding out later that he called my dad while hammered drunk. So my suspicions were correct

batchel9

Thank you. I will have to rereview. The first few times I went through them I probably wasn't yet to this stage this glossed right over. Thanks for the reminder!

batchel9

Thanks everyone. These are all good points. I think at this point I need to make all correspondence as necessary only. Start pulling off the band aid so to speak.

I think in my head I know our marriage is over and any romantic relationship potential is over. But I'm not yet comprehending not having ANY sort of relationship. It's gonna be tough. Thankfully he is just heading no where good so that helps.

dandylion

batchel9......think in terms of the BIG picture of your life....
You don't have to be without a relationship forever......if you are young enough to have kids...then it is highly likely that you will meet someone else.....
when you are ready and healthy enough......
Right now...it would be enough for you to focus on disentangling yourself....and focusing on good relationships with people and friends, in general...you don't have to be lonely.....
After I divorced my first husband...(I had three little children)....I had so much fun...and let me tell you---I was not l onely...in fact, I was so much more lonely in that marriage....(and I never lacked male attention when I wanted it...lol) I remarried to a really wonderful man, six years later......

Clover71

I think she meant any kind of relationship with him.

It is a tough thought

Mango blast

batcel9,

How've you been doing?

Givenup2018

I think most of us have that desire to fix the problem.
I started to detach when a good friend told me to stop being a martyr. Harsh but true!