ulfr

Am at the start again didn't use but av been using self injury and eating disorder behaviours as some kind of drug i should be honest with everyone of you and i need to be honest t with myself as well
back to the start again mentally i feel bad went to a 12 step meeting last night and after it was a disaster told my husband that i cant take my meds as i got mixed up with abusing meds and using them normally my husband says i shouldn't go back there as ill get confused again because i have a way to have a go at myself he dont get it and i still need help
want to go back and see the support worker that i talked to the other day i might be going to a football / anti drink and drugs thing that going on at a football stadium near to were i live but thats not until Friday i think she not in today am not clean because i self injured i should be seprating that from my drink and drugs am using it like a drug so am back to the start day one START NOW

JustTony

I don't know about the separation of certain addictions in terms of counting days - I have nowhere near enough experience to even begin to comment specifically on that.

I have read many of your posts though. You are clearly a deeply intuitive, tactile and intelligent lady. You express yourself very clearly in what you wish to achieve and the desperation that you have to recover and be happy.

I have nothing to offer you in terms of advice but I can wish you strength, compassion and support from the other side of the border- and add to that the hope that someone better equipped than me can give you more step by step constructive advice.

Regards,

JT

Zanna

Hi Dark - can you phone Edinburgh Crisis Centre ? they are open today and their number is in Google Just thought it would give you some extra support and someone to talk to 'in real terms'. They are open today, but please keep posting here as well

ulfr

yes i can call them there 24/7 i have a meeting today with one of my mental health support workers the meeting was made a week ago its to talk about me wanting to use and drink but i need to talk to them about the self injury as well
am just not coping with life right now my husband is upset at me - my mess up i take all responsibility for it

Dee74

Please don't stop or change your meds until you see a qualified medical person DA, ok?

D

Zanna

Perhaps phone and let them know all, that you need to talk about - will make it easier for you when the appointment comes around
Hang in there x

ulfr

i am still taking them my husband made sure last night that i took them after us talking i will not stop them i need them to cope with my mental health , am meant to try and stay stable for the fact i want to change gender from female to male
i need to start again but am going to stop the bullcrap and get working on what i need to do to see a gender threapist i have to wait 9 months before my dr will refer me as she wants me to live as a man for a while after that its takes another 2 years and 3 months to see one and i need to be mentally stable all the way through this Am starting again but i know if i want to get to being male i need to stop this self injury self hating and get on with my life with a clear head and i need to be good to myself - am my own worse enemy i better give myself a kick or am just going keep going in this self destructive loop i keep getting myself in to

Zanna

Well, keep posting an reading here as well SR is also 24/7 - always someone around

Berrybean

Glad you've made that appointment and are reaching out for help.

BB

Gilmer

Is it possible for you and your husband to see a couples or family therapist, too?

Many times when you are struggling, you say that your husband doesn’t understand. Sometimes each of you expressing yourselves to the same impartial observer can really sort things out and make communication a lot smoother.

Hawkeye13

Just sending you support DA--

Gilmer makes a good point--this has to be very stressful for him as well as you.
A neutral person to mediate the talk might really help.

saoutchik

I'm really glad you are seeing someone DA, 2 years 10 months without drink or drugs is more than good.

ulfr

talked to my support worker that in one of the mental health groups that i go with her help i talked to my husband and i agreed ill give 12 step one more try he said he is worried ...he been crying for most of today apart from when there are other people around on top of that i have to take my nieces for the weekend as my mother is having stress with other family member but there here friday sat sun going back on sun she is taking them back on sun as am going to the serenity cafe for new year eve the girls go back to my mums no matter what my sister who is the girl mother is in Blackpool we cant get in touch with her am stressed but there is no one else to do this there is only us and she dont really care about my mental health anyway next meeting is next tuesday hopefully it goes ok

Hawkeye13

do you think you are able to manage childcare at the moment DA?

It doesn't sound like your husband is feeling well enough mentally to help,
and that is a huge burden on you whilst in a crisis yourself.

Perhaps you could let you support worker know the situation and get some
outside help with this?

ulfr

my nieces are 14 and 16 they can do a lot of things on there own we just need to give them food they entertain themselves on there phones they need very little care one of them is nearly an adult its just for 2 nights
we cant get outside help my mum would blame me if my younger niece got put in carer there mother has lost rights to them years ago my mum took over my mother already calls my mental health attention seeking if i say no or bring an outside help she will do her nut and then i will not see them again

Anna

DarkAsylum,

I'm sorry for your struggles, but I think you're doing the right thing by talking to your support worker. I hope you feel you can talk with her about your self-harming and eating disorder, too. I do know that transitioning genders is a very long process, and you're right, that the best thing you can do to help is to take care of your mental health.

Hawkeye13

sounds like you have it managed then--wishing you the best DA

ulfr

my nieces should be here soon got some tunes on drinking my third decaff coffee ( normal coffee makes me paranoid and very jittery) but it tastes just as good the snow has slowed down here but there has been weather warning in scotland about the snow its been falling since i got up this morning its beautiful but can be dangerous for the old and thoese who get unwell because its so cold am on my first day am doing ok as long as i keep busy if i stop that think about things i know its going to make me worse my husband has gone out normally i would self injure while he has gone but i dont want my nieces to find me cutting or anything else they have been through a lot and there no way am upsetting them or anyone else my husband will not be long he been gone for a while he having a lot of pain in his arms , legs and back he has seen dr about it and they say its trapped nerves and something to do with his weight etc both of us need to lose some weight but its hard to and this feeds my eating disorder because my dr want us both to be healthy weight
we are trying but it takes a while i hope you are all doing ok