Getting Honest and leaving 2017 behind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 49
Getting Honest and leaving 2017 behind.
Without going into a huge long back story, I just had to get really brutally honest about some big lies and manipulations that I've been engaging in.
I had to get honest because I can't live with myself as this immoral and dishonest human being when I'm sober. I can't live the way I lived in my drinking life as a sober person. I have to be free and learn now to live differently. This isn't an excuse, but it's just so new to me. It's like I don't even know how to live a truthful and moral existence. But I think today, as hard and as heart wrenching as it was, was a step in the right direction.
I probably just ended my closest relationships, as they will never trust me again, and I feel really alone and really scared.
I thought this would make me feel free, but I just feel like a horrible and disgusting human being.
Of course my AV wants me to drink over it but I won't. I already just faced my worst demons. It couldn't make a single thing better.
I had to get honest because I can't live with myself as this immoral and dishonest human being when I'm sober. I can't live the way I lived in my drinking life as a sober person. I have to be free and learn now to live differently. This isn't an excuse, but it's just so new to me. It's like I don't even know how to live a truthful and moral existence. But I think today, as hard and as heart wrenching as it was, was a step in the right direction.
I probably just ended my closest relationships, as they will never trust me again, and I feel really alone and really scared.
I thought this would make me feel free, but I just feel like a horrible and disgusting human being.
Of course my AV wants me to drink over it but I won't. I already just faced my worst demons. It couldn't make a single thing better.
I don't know what you have done - nor what you have admitted (and to whom) - but it is clearly a huge step forwards.
People don't like to live a lie and people don;t like to be the recipients of one either. I hope in time you lern to forgive yourself and that those you admitted things to learn to forgive the fact that you're not perfect.
Regards,
JT
People don't like to live a lie and people don;t like to be the recipients of one either. I hope in time you lern to forgive yourself and that those you admitted things to learn to forgive the fact that you're not perfect.
Regards,
JT
Wow. Well done. So, you've potentially lost a relationship with someone else, but regained your self-respect and integrity. Hopefully this means you'll be able to move forward in a more positive relationship with your self now. All other relationships are dependent on that being healthy anyway.
What are your plans for the rest of today?
BB
What are your plans for the rest of today?
BB
Ps. Was this part of your step 9 and done with guidance from your sponsor? If not, it's probably worth chatting to her about it. Well, its worth chatting to her about how it went anyway - that should help stop the rattleyness. In the meantime look after those HALT triggers to maintain the quality of your sobriety today. Maybe a gratitude list as well. And perhaps a meeting. There are also loads of speaker recordings addressing step 9 on here.... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/step-9-speaker-tapes
Take care Chicka xx
Take care Chicka xx
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Very powerful post- thank you for sharing.
Being honest is HARD at times- I have found it worth it though. I did a lot of shameful and horrible things while drinking; I don't now. The people who are in my life now know me (some, again) as a good, etc person.
You are being brave, IMO - keep going.
Being honest is HARD at times- I have found it worth it though. I did a lot of shameful and horrible things while drinking; I don't now. The people who are in my life now know me (some, again) as a good, etc person.
You are being brave, IMO - keep going.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 49
Berrybean - it wasn't a step 9. I'm on my first three steps working with a sponsor right now.
I was essentially holding on to an old relationship (guy in recovery who relapsed and cheated on me with prostitutes on multiple different occasions, I finally found out about it months later, but he was financially supporting me while I went back to school - I planned on spending the rest of my life with this guy.) Genuinely. After the cheating I was done, in my heart. But I let it continue for selfish financial motives and fear. He worked out of town and I only saw him a few days a month anyways. I let him keep supporting me, paying my bills, kept the hope alive for him when I think I knew deep down inside it was over for good.
Then I met a new guy (also in recovery) and essentially started a relationship with him. Very slowly, but something real started to happen between us.
So I had to get honest with both of them. Old guy about my selfish motives and that we are done. New guy that I've been leading old guy on and telling xyz lies (lots of them) to cover it up.
Crazy thing is new guy wants to work through it. Surprised but we'll see what happens. All I know is recovery needs to be #1 priority, before work, school, relationships, anything.
Nothing but honesty going into 2018. And hopefully that will make it a sober year.
I was essentially holding on to an old relationship (guy in recovery who relapsed and cheated on me with prostitutes on multiple different occasions, I finally found out about it months later, but he was financially supporting me while I went back to school - I planned on spending the rest of my life with this guy.) Genuinely. After the cheating I was done, in my heart. But I let it continue for selfish financial motives and fear. He worked out of town and I only saw him a few days a month anyways. I let him keep supporting me, paying my bills, kept the hope alive for him when I think I knew deep down inside it was over for good.
Then I met a new guy (also in recovery) and essentially started a relationship with him. Very slowly, but something real started to happen between us.
So I had to get honest with both of them. Old guy about my selfish motives and that we are done. New guy that I've been leading old guy on and telling xyz lies (lots of them) to cover it up.
Crazy thing is new guy wants to work through it. Surprised but we'll see what happens. All I know is recovery needs to be #1 priority, before work, school, relationships, anything.
Nothing but honesty going into 2018. And hopefully that will make it a sober year.
Isn't starting a relationship with someone else in recovery considered a 'no, no' for someone so early in recovery?
I'm neither approving nor disapproving (not that you need a strangers 'permission' to have a love life LOL)!
I just thought it was one of those 'rules'?
I'm neither approving nor disapproving (not that you need a strangers 'permission' to have a love life LOL)!
I just thought it was one of those 'rules'?
A wise one though imho. New relationships can be such as distraction, and for most of us tend to act as a magnifying glass to all our character defects. And most new relationships don't come to anything, and if we're not solid in our sobriety when we hit a bump in the road it can be quite dangerous for us. Not to mention that most of us don't really have much to offer anyone else early on, and we're likely to change and grow through our recovery - the people who seemed attractive and appealing at one month sober, really didn't so much at 8 months sober. The people who seemed attractive at 8 months sober didn't so much at 18 months sober. And if there's anything that I find awkward it's ending things, or disappointing people.
But I'm sure your sponsor has already said all this stuff already mrrryahj. And the thing with suggestions is that we're all free to do just as we choose.
Anyway - I'm glad you managed to clear the air with those people. I bet you feel lighter for it.
BB
New relationships and new recovery can be touchy.
If you're in the same group, what if you break up? AWKWARD.
If he's not in recovery and a "normie," can you live with that?
What if you get serious and he relapses?
What if he's strong in his recovery and YOU relapse?
Thread the needle carefully.
If you're in the same group, what if you break up? AWKWARD.
If he's not in recovery and a "normie," can you live with that?
What if you get serious and he relapses?
What if he's strong in his recovery and YOU relapse?
Thread the needle carefully.
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