Should I divorce narcissistic alcoholic husband?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Should I divorce narcissistic alcoholic husband?
Hello,
Ugh, where do I even start?
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We were young, wild and madly in love. Blah blah, weren't we all? I was 25 and he was 30. We both had well paying jobs and the term, "work hard, play hard" was our motto. We traveled, ate and drank our hearts out. Eventually that all changed when I became pregnant with our first child. I chose to stay at home with our baby while he continued to work. While I stopped drinking, he continued. I did not want to upset him or cause problems in our marriage so I became the "sober alcoholic", if you will. I drank to cope being around him and to avoid conflict. We shared many great memories raising our daughter, but alcohol was always involved. Mostly, me taking care of my husband and being his Mom. He was your text book alcoholic, functioning at work; everyone loved him but as soon as he got home, we got the brunt of it. It wasn't until I became pregnant with our second child that he started to become VERY angry and emotionally abusive when he drank. He is extremely insecure and has alway been obsessed with his physical appearance, as well as mine. He would constantly tell me how women wanted to "f*** him" or "all those chicks want me." What nice things to say to your pregnant wife, or to anyone! Dick.
When I was about 5 months pregnant, he would start random fights with me and would leave to go to the bars. I would be left with my 3 year old, wondering why I felt crazy and why it was my fault. EVERYTHING was always turned around on me, everything was always MY fault. He would drink in the middle of the night to soothe his withdrawals on early Sunday mornings and continue drinking in his car when he was at work. I can still remember driving MYSELF to the hospital when I was going into labor at 29 weeks because he was passed out and inebriated from drinking. What a winner! I spent that evening in the ER, all by myself. He arrived that next morning and chugged a mini bottle of chardonnay while I had tubes coming out of my body.
8 months after my son was born, I had enough and left my husband. I packed up our crap and left with our two children. I drove 15 hours home to be with my family and to re-evaluate my life. My husband soon followed 2 months later with promises of changing... blah blah blah... 6 months later, after a failed 2 month rehab stint and THREE detoxes; we are currently separated. You always hear that alcoholism only gets worse, and it did. My husband started being physically abusive to me in front of our 4, now 5 year old daughter. Two weeks ago, he was arrested for domestic violence in front of a child; we currently have a no contact order in place from the judge.
6 years ago, I would have never seen this coming. My husband is a wonderful man, sober. However, he has demons and they go deep. He has been drinking since he was 17 and it has consumed his life. I've tried to understand why he has such a dependency on alcohol. Could it be the strict Christian upbringing? Did something happen to him in his childhood? Did his overbearing and smothering Mom actually do more harm than good?
After typing this, I already feel like I know what I NEED to do. I'm so exhausted. I feel like I've lost a part of my soul being married to this person. I've given it 150%. My children are my life and I couldn't bare for them to go through any more of this crap, especially my daughter. I guess I'm just looking for affirmation. I will be a 32 year old single Mom with two kids. I know we will be okay.
Ugh, where do I even start?
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We were young, wild and madly in love. Blah blah, weren't we all? I was 25 and he was 30. We both had well paying jobs and the term, "work hard, play hard" was our motto. We traveled, ate and drank our hearts out. Eventually that all changed when I became pregnant with our first child. I chose to stay at home with our baby while he continued to work. While I stopped drinking, he continued. I did not want to upset him or cause problems in our marriage so I became the "sober alcoholic", if you will. I drank to cope being around him and to avoid conflict. We shared many great memories raising our daughter, but alcohol was always involved. Mostly, me taking care of my husband and being his Mom. He was your text book alcoholic, functioning at work; everyone loved him but as soon as he got home, we got the brunt of it. It wasn't until I became pregnant with our second child that he started to become VERY angry and emotionally abusive when he drank. He is extremely insecure and has alway been obsessed with his physical appearance, as well as mine. He would constantly tell me how women wanted to "f*** him" or "all those chicks want me." What nice things to say to your pregnant wife, or to anyone! Dick.
When I was about 5 months pregnant, he would start random fights with me and would leave to go to the bars. I would be left with my 3 year old, wondering why I felt crazy and why it was my fault. EVERYTHING was always turned around on me, everything was always MY fault. He would drink in the middle of the night to soothe his withdrawals on early Sunday mornings and continue drinking in his car when he was at work. I can still remember driving MYSELF to the hospital when I was going into labor at 29 weeks because he was passed out and inebriated from drinking. What a winner! I spent that evening in the ER, all by myself. He arrived that next morning and chugged a mini bottle of chardonnay while I had tubes coming out of my body.
8 months after my son was born, I had enough and left my husband. I packed up our crap and left with our two children. I drove 15 hours home to be with my family and to re-evaluate my life. My husband soon followed 2 months later with promises of changing... blah blah blah... 6 months later, after a failed 2 month rehab stint and THREE detoxes; we are currently separated. You always hear that alcoholism only gets worse, and it did. My husband started being physically abusive to me in front of our 4, now 5 year old daughter. Two weeks ago, he was arrested for domestic violence in front of a child; we currently have a no contact order in place from the judge.
6 years ago, I would have never seen this coming. My husband is a wonderful man, sober. However, he has demons and they go deep. He has been drinking since he was 17 and it has consumed his life. I've tried to understand why he has such a dependency on alcohol. Could it be the strict Christian upbringing? Did something happen to him in his childhood? Did his overbearing and smothering Mom actually do more harm than good?
After typing this, I already feel like I know what I NEED to do. I'm so exhausted. I feel like I've lost a part of my soul being married to this person. I've given it 150%. My children are my life and I couldn't bare for them to go through any more of this crap, especially my daughter. I guess I'm just looking for affirmation. I will be a 32 year old single Mom with two kids. I know we will be okay.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I hope that typing your post has given you the clarity that you need.
Nobody caused his alcoholism. No matter what our problems are, alcohol does not solve them, so his drinking is his choice, just as my drinking was mine.
The reasons for his drinking are neither here nor there though. Even if he was on here himself it would still need to be a case of stop repeating the crazy then if you can figure that out later, so be it, but don't let it distract you from stopping the crazy.
Maybe the most important thing for now is just staying away from him and un-enmeshing yourself from him. Financially and legally and with your day to day routine. If you are undecided about the divorce side of things, well, you can make up your mind when you DO know what you want to do. But please, do ensure that you and yoyr children are emotionally,physically, financially, and socially safe from him and his destructive behavior.
The friends and family sub-forum will no doubt be very useful to you.... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
BB
Nobody caused his alcoholism. No matter what our problems are, alcohol does not solve them, so his drinking is his choice, just as my drinking was mine.
The reasons for his drinking are neither here nor there though. Even if he was on here himself it would still need to be a case of stop repeating the crazy then if you can figure that out later, so be it, but don't let it distract you from stopping the crazy.
Maybe the most important thing for now is just staying away from him and un-enmeshing yourself from him. Financially and legally and with your day to day routine. If you are undecided about the divorce side of things, well, you can make up your mind when you DO know what you want to do. But please, do ensure that you and yoyr children are emotionally,physically, financially, and socially safe from him and his destructive behavior.
The friends and family sub-forum will no doubt be very useful to you.... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
I don't think any right minded person could ever think that was a healthy environment to bring up children. Extradite them from that harmful circus - because as far as I'm concerned - they would have to come first.
I hope you find happiness and I hope your husband finds peace and sobriety.
Regards,
JT
I hope you find happiness and I hope your husband finds peace and sobriety.
Regards,
JT
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I'm sorry for what brings you here LanaBoBana - but it sounds to me like you're making the right decision for yourself and your children.
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here too - welcome
D
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here too - welcome
D
I'm glad you and the kids are out of that mess now. I hope you have support for yourself. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Alcoholism or not, once abuse is involved (especially physical and in front of children), all bets are off the table. I'm the alcoholic in my marriage facing a divorce with a young son, and even I, the one who sympathizes with those struggling with addiction, would divorce my husband in these circumstances. Alcoholic or not. Good luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 2
My first husband was an abusive alcoholic. I always took the "punishment" because at the time I believed I deserved it. When my son was 7 I finally had enough. My ex put his fist in my face and threatened me. I looked at him and told him he better make it good because when I came to I was going to blow his head off with the shotgun.
You do what you need to do to protect your cubs. We as women are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
You do what you need to do to protect your cubs. We as women are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you! I always told myself, once he laid his hands on me, I'm out. And it started about a year ago and I've been struggling to leave ever since. First it started with a drunken shove and a hole in our bathroom door...months later I was being choke slammed on the ground for teasing him about his singing! *sigh* So your support has helped immensely. Of course, my family has had my back this whole time but to hear it from those who have been through it or can relate, it really helps! So again, thank you so much!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi Lana,
Sorry you are having to deal with this.
When children see violence they can believe this is "normal". I'm sure you don't want your Daughter to choose a partner down the road that is violent and have her deem that as normal.
I have experience with this but won't go in to the long story. I hope that you leave for the sake of your children, even if you can't bring yourself to do it for yourself.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.
When children see violence they can believe this is "normal". I'm sure you don't want your Daughter to choose a partner down the road that is violent and have her deem that as normal.
I have experience with this but won't go in to the long story. I hope that you leave for the sake of your children, even if you can't bring yourself to do it for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by LanaBoBana 
Thank you! I always told myself, once he laid his hands on me, I'm out. And it started about a year ago and I've been struggling to leave ever since. First it started with a drunken shove and a hole in our bathroom door...months later I was being choke slammed on the ground for teasing him about his singing! *sigh* So your support has helped immensely. Of course, my family has had my back this whole time but to hear it from those who have been through it or can relate, it really helps! So again, thank you so much!
I was raped at 18. Kept it to myself. Thought could overcome it on my own. Therapists later, etc, etc, it still gets to me, even at 37.. The sexual abuse AND the physical abuse. The lack of control. It is crushing. I get it. Please ensure your safety and that of your kids. It probably seems unworthy from an alcoholic, but I'm still a woman, mom, and human. And I am what you are. We are together.
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