Soulful

... If he could just accept he needs help and surrender to that, we would not be here today. If he could just stop blaming my anger, my lack of understanding and accept that noone put that damn powder up his nose but him.
That noone is putting a gun to his head and forces him to pound Jack Daniels like it's soda. I am NOT making him buy pounds of marijuana bags because life is stressful.

Life IS stressful, I certainly am not perfect and I have my own vices too. Yes, I too smoke a joint at the end of a long week, when my son is sleeping and I just want to relax and watch a Netflix movie. Yes, I do enjoy a glass of wine here and there with dinner. But I have such a hard time understanding this: "why can't she accept me that I just want to lose control sometimes".

You can't afford to lose control, you have a 5-year old son that is watching you and looking up to you and thinks what you are doing is normal. Coming home at 6am, not remembering where you are coming from, with blood in your nose is NOT normal.

I was told that if I ever hoped for a miracle, I have to be kinder, wiser and more understanding. Well, I am not. I am not understanding of cocaine, drinking, strip joints and this is making me feel really crappy. How can I be understanding when he can't be honest with me? And blames me that the reason why he is not honest is because he is scared of me that I will be mad.
I can't force him to go rehab, he clearly told me it's not an option. I have no idea what I did wrong in this marriage, because I am sure I have my own faults.

I was willing to go therapy, and do anything and everything I could do, yet he can't even look into my eyes and be honest about his addiction problems.
Will he ever realize what he did?

AnvilheadII

that's a lot of IFs - and that's called magical thinking. your assumption is IF he would do, X, Y, and Z, then no other problems would exist and ya'll would be one big happy family.

quitting the drugs is only one piece. a big piece mind you, but still that only solves the issues of getting loaded.

it does not fix or resolve any other underlying behaviors, of which this person seems to have a few.

the thing is, it is highly unlikely that he will ever BE who you want him to be, need him to be. looking to that train wreck to fix things is a bit short sighted.

i get it - short of carrying loaded weapons around, he couldn't make too much more of a mess of things. BUT HE IS. and HAS been. he has shown you who he is, what he is about.

it is not important that "he realize what he did" but that you accept where you are now and then forge YOUR plan for moving forward. i'm not sure Mr. Out of Touch has the capacity to ever see things the way you do, because he does not have the same values that you do, the same priorities, he does not operate from the same handbook.

hopeful4

I am sorry you are hurting. It's so sad to see them make such awful choices, especially when children are involved. Huge Hugs!

Soulful

And I now have a nickname for my AH. lol

I agree with everything you said, especially about the part that quitting the drugs is not the entire picture. The entire picture is his ability (or inability, for that matter) to DEAL with life and certainly part of that ENTIRE picture is me accepting that about him and not try to blind myself of the reality with all these "what ifs". I think it's the "what ifs" that kept me in it for this long, I lived in fantasy-world, meanwhile Mr Out Of Touch was probably the only one that stayed true to himself.

As my avatar says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Moving forward and creating a new life is the easy part, but forgiving myself for having my head in the clouds is another one. I got really good at beating myself up for this one, let me tell you!...

My son keeps asking about his dad and it's a long road and while I do the best I can explaining to him the current state of affairs, I am left with such a bitter taste in my mouth afterwards.

NYCDoglvr

Partially true. I'd phrase it " if I ever hoped for a miracle, I have to be kinder, wiser and more understanding of myself". The alcoholic will go on doing what he/she does oblivious to the pain he/she is causing others. We're powerless over them. But we can take care of ourselves and make whatever changes to improve our lives. I suggest Alanon, which helped me detach and learn to love myself. A big hug.

firebolt

Oh Soulful....

I am going to gently suggest you turn all your questions back to yourself. I know that they are a hot mess....but....

What "if only's" can YOU do to make your life different, taking him out of the equation?

When I was trapped hoping my xabf would change so my life would be better, it was so difficult for me to see what I could be doing for me. Rather than what I could be doing for him or to help him....accepting that I could not do anything to change who he was was the hardest part. We're an awful lot like them when we are grabbing a hold of our addiction (them.)

(((HUGS))) to you - i know how defeating it all is.

Soulful

Yesterday afternoon my AH has been served the divorce papers.

He didn't take them well, actually he reacted so badly, he threw them in buddy's face, almost rushed him. Buddy told him that you have 30-days to contest or respond and he threw them in the garbage and told them he is not responding to anything, he does not want to get a divorce.
The service person explained that ignoring them doesn't mean the divorce does not go forward and as a matter of fact he will lose any type of rights to his son going forward and my AH threw the papers in the garbage and walked away.

He really didn't take it well AT all. Why did he react this way? If he truly didn't want to get divorced, why not take the papers and think about it and think about what just happened and assess himself to see how to move forward. More importantly, if he truly loves his son and wants to be in his life, why throw the papers? Doesn't he know what this means?

This hurts more than anything. It's almost like he threw his entire marriage in the garbage and it really isn't worth it to him at all. I guess it never was, right?

hopeful4

He reacted this way because he wants to AVOID the issue. That's what they do.

Big hugs.

Soulful

Until when is he going to run away from life? He lost his family.

Hawkeye13

He's not behaving like a mature adult, and it doesn't sound like he has
for a very long time.

You have to face and accept that reality. I know it hurts,
but children need mature adults in their lives,
not overgrown babies throwing tantrums and staying addicted
to drugs, alcohol, and the party life.

Soulful

I agree. 100%. Unacceptable.
The service person called me back and said that he called him back and asked him for the paperwork. He took it, but he told the guy to f** off.

It's done.

Hawkeye13

Ariesagain

The best thing my therapist ever taught me was, “check your assumptions.”

The first assumption you’re making is that if he recognized his problems, he would address them. Not true. There are plenty of people whose response to that is, “yes, but that’s who I am, so it’s on you to deal with that.”

Second, you’re assuming that if he truly loved his son and you, he would “fight” for you. Not true. At his stage, love is a meaningless abstraction, no matter what he says. He wants what he wants when he wants it.

Try your best to let those assumptions go, yes?

Sending you a hug.

atalose

His reaction is typical because he does not want an inconvenience to his addiction. He doesn’t want anything getting in the way of that. His addiction has nothing at all to do with you or his love for his child. It’s not a contest between you/child and his booze/drugs, he has a disease a disease that is out of control. Not saying this as any kind of excuse for his unacceptable behavior but if love could arrest this disease none of us would be here and there would be no need for rehabs, 12 step meetings, specialized therapy etc. If it were as simple as serving them with divorce papers so that they would chose us and not the booze/drugs, again, none of us would be here and the divorce rate would drop drastically.

Were you hoping for a different reaction? Were you magically thinking that he would suddenly have a dose of reality and open his eyes and finally “get it”? Or are you the one who has finally opened her eyes are “gets it”?

Endings are not easy, we become extremely ambivalent and tend to attempt to read anything and everything into each and everything they do or say or don’t do or don’t’ say. And most of all when we are feeling at our lowest we want so badly to “believe” anything positive they say, we allow ourselves to make more bad decisions, like taking them back before any real recovery has had a chance to take root.

Soulful

Yes. The mirage is over for the both of us.

I don't know what I was hoping, the whole thing has been "numbing". It happened fast, because I wanted it to happen fast. I didn't want to waste a second longer in a toxic environment that I was seriously slowly dying inside

I always hope and trust miracles do exist, but they happen when we focus on ourselves and the things we truly have control over. Like my son.
My son man... he deserves to have AT LEAST ONE AVAILABLE, SOBER parent. At least.

CentralOhioDad

firebolt

Proud of you for taking decisive, proactive action. And (((HUGS))) to you.

If it makes you feel any better - it's not just their family that some addicts will lose. THey are willing to lose their houses, their jobs, and their own lives for the sake of a substance. Addiction is so sad.

atalose

YOU are the miracle you’ve been waiting for!!!!

Soulful

I don't think you guys/girls understand how much it means to me that you have been here through this. I don't know you, but you took the time to always answer and respond and I am forever grateful to you. Thank you for everything and for your support.

CentralOhioDad

I feel the same way about these folks. They've had to beat me up more than you because you made faster moves more confidently than I am.

I'm proud of you.