Stress/Perfectionism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Stress/Perfectionism
Hi all,
I'm only on day 10 of my sobriety/recovery journey, and I am trying my best to learn from my past failures and proactively plan to succeed. One of my biggest triggers is stress, especially when it comes to entertaining and having my house look "perfect." My pattern is to work myself into a frenzy, wear myself out, and then turn to alcohol as soon as possible for a relaxing reward. Has anyone else successfully overcome this habit, and if so, how? I am currently doing the following, but still overwhelmed. Man, the holidays are killing me this year.
Make sure to eat enough and drink water
Take breaks to read/post on SR
Lay on a heating pad
Resist the urge to pound caffeine
I'm only on day 10 of my sobriety/recovery journey, and I am trying my best to learn from my past failures and proactively plan to succeed. One of my biggest triggers is stress, especially when it comes to entertaining and having my house look "perfect." My pattern is to work myself into a frenzy, wear myself out, and then turn to alcohol as soon as possible for a relaxing reward. Has anyone else successfully overcome this habit, and if so, how? I am currently doing the following, but still overwhelmed. Man, the holidays are killing me this year.
Make sure to eat enough and drink water
Take breaks to read/post on SR
Lay on a heating pad
Resist the urge to pound caffeine
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yeah, that not-enoughness can be a killer in all areas of our lives. It's a long-term thing dealing with it. For me the 12-step program of AA has helped. I also use a few prayers that help with fear of not meeting others expectations (plus remembering that,to be honest, mostly others don't give too much of a stuff about the things we get our knickers in a twist over - it's pretty much an inside job).
These are my favourite prayers for dealing with not-enoughness, perfectionism and people-pleasing / resentments over people being dis-pleased despite my best efforts...
Humility Prayer.
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.
AMEN.
Do It Anyway Prayer
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
AMEN
Things do get better.
BB
These are my favourite prayers for dealing with not-enoughness, perfectionism and people-pleasing / resentments over people being dis-pleased despite my best efforts...
Humility Prayer.
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.
AMEN.
Do It Anyway Prayer
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
AMEN
Things do get better.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
I have similar tendencies PalmerSage and do you know what...I am always in awe of people who are laid back and have a 'take me and my home as you find us' attitude...this is definately something I aspire to. I hope you find a way also 💜
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Has anyone else successfully overcome this habit, and if so, how?
as far as the house looking perfect,yup.
my home used to be spotless-a place for everything,everything in its place,everything perfectly laid out for guests.......
i had screwed up perceptions. one being that having the perfectly clean home,perfectly placed everything when people would visit, it would make people think good of me because i didnt think good of myself.
after getting sober, a good friend in recovery stopped by and thats when THAT little connection between my perfectionism and low self esteem was made. he said,"its too clean and tidy. theres no life in here. your home isnt being LIVED in."
i started working on my self esteem.
TONS of work asking myself,"how important is this really?"
stop by anytime now. my home is LIVED in and it shows. the floors could use mopping, a couple windows need cleaning, a pile of stuff on the kitchen counter, a 4 year olds toys scattered about,dog hair on the couch.
its perfect.
and if anyone stops by and doesnt like it?
THEY have a problem and it aint my problem.
feels pretty good to LIVE in a home that is LIVED in.
as far as the house looking perfect,yup.
my home used to be spotless-a place for everything,everything in its place,everything perfectly laid out for guests.......
i had screwed up perceptions. one being that having the perfectly clean home,perfectly placed everything when people would visit, it would make people think good of me because i didnt think good of myself.
after getting sober, a good friend in recovery stopped by and thats when THAT little connection between my perfectionism and low self esteem was made. he said,"its too clean and tidy. theres no life in here. your home isnt being LIVED in."
i started working on my self esteem.
TONS of work asking myself,"how important is this really?"
stop by anytime now. my home is LIVED in and it shows. the floors could use mopping, a couple windows need cleaning, a pile of stuff on the kitchen counter, a 4 year olds toys scattered about,dog hair on the couch.
its perfect.
and if anyone stops by and doesnt like it?
THEY have a problem and it aint my problem.
feels pretty good to LIVE in a home that is LIVED in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 41
Well I used to be a clean freak but went to far the other way towards the end of my drinking. Hopefully I will find some balance in sobriety I never found pre drinking or during drinking days. I have no advice other then find the balance that feels right for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Yeah my perfectionism used to drive me into a corner and the only tool I had to get out from there was alcohol.
I've learned since all I can do is my best.
I've learned that most days there are more important things than having a showroom clean house. Normal clean is fine
I've learned that what others think of me (or my cleanliness or whatever) is not all that important.
I get internal validation now, not external.
I've learned that alcohol is not the answer - the answer is to not get so wound up.
There are some pretty good ideas here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)
D
I've learned since all I can do is my best.
I've learned that most days there are more important things than having a showroom clean house. Normal clean is fine
I've learned that what others think of me (or my cleanliness or whatever) is not all that important.
I get internal validation now, not external.
I've learned that alcohol is not the answer - the answer is to not get so wound up.
There are some pretty good ideas here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Thanks all, I really appreciate all the insight. It's absolutely true that my desire to impress other people stems from my insecurities. I guess it would be one thing if I was a true neat freak, but it mostly kicks in when I'm entertaining. I also feel more prone to stressing out and becoming super irritable these days.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I think working on your perfectionism needs to be part of your sobriety plan.
What really NEEDS to be perfect? What do you want to hold on to and what can be let go?
I'd plan a party at your house and VERY CONSCIOUSLY make decisions as you go through and try to let as much go as possible that is unneeded. Do you really NEED to make that authentic homemade lasagna that takes 3 days? Or the side dishes that you will obsess over? Would your guests be appalled (and yourself) if you didn't vacuum under the couch?
I slaved over a seafood lasagna for an afternoon for my Christmas Eve dinner. At the last minute I burned the seafood stock that was to go into the white sauce. The old me would have freaked out. The new me said "Eh, it'll be good without it (and it was DELICIOUS). We have enough food without it anyway."
Then enjoy your own party and celebrate afterwards with something other than drinking!
What really NEEDS to be perfect? What do you want to hold on to and what can be let go?
I'd plan a party at your house and VERY CONSCIOUSLY make decisions as you go through and try to let as much go as possible that is unneeded. Do you really NEED to make that authentic homemade lasagna that takes 3 days? Or the side dishes that you will obsess over? Would your guests be appalled (and yourself) if you didn't vacuum under the couch?
I slaved over a seafood lasagna for an afternoon for my Christmas Eve dinner. At the last minute I burned the seafood stock that was to go into the white sauce. The old me would have freaked out. The new me said "Eh, it'll be good without it (and it was DELICIOUS). We have enough food without it anyway."
Then enjoy your own party and celebrate afterwards with something other than drinking!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
Has anyone else successfully overcome this habit, and if so, how?
as far as the house looking perfect,yup.
my home used to be spotless-a place for everything,everything in its place,everything perfectly laid out for guests.......
i had screwed up perceptions. one being that having the perfectly clean home,perfectly placed everything when people would visit, it would make people think good of me because i didnt think good of myself.
after getting sober, a good friend in recovery stopped by and thats when THAT little connection between my perfectionism and low self esteem was made. he said,"its too clean and tidy. theres no life in here. your home isnt being LIVED in."
i started working on my self esteem.
TONS of work asking myself,"how important is this really?"
stop by anytime now. my home is LIVED in and it shows. the floors could use mopping, a couple windows need cleaning, a pile of stuff on the kitchen counter, a 4 year olds toys scattered about,dog hair on the couch.
its perfect.
and if anyone stops by and doesnt like it?
THEY have a problem and it aint my problem.
feels pretty good to LIVE in a home that is LIVED in.
as far as the house looking perfect,yup.
my home used to be spotless-a place for everything,everything in its place,everything perfectly laid out for guests.......
i had screwed up perceptions. one being that having the perfectly clean home,perfectly placed everything when people would visit, it would make people think good of me because i didnt think good of myself.
after getting sober, a good friend in recovery stopped by and thats when THAT little connection between my perfectionism and low self esteem was made. he said,"its too clean and tidy. theres no life in here. your home isnt being LIVED in."
i started working on my self esteem.
TONS of work asking myself,"how important is this really?"
stop by anytime now. my home is LIVED in and it shows. the floors could use mopping, a couple windows need cleaning, a pile of stuff on the kitchen counter, a 4 year olds toys scattered about,dog hair on the couch.
its perfect.
and if anyone stops by and doesnt like it?
THEY have a problem and it aint my problem.
feels pretty good to LIVE in a home that is LIVED in.
My husband being like this stresses me out & it makes me think about drinking!!
Palmer, I think it is just as tomsteve says, a house should be lived in, people should take you as they find you. Try to stop controlling this area of your life & put all your control into not drinking, that is where your focus should be. Things untidy? Tough! I have a drinking habit to kick out of here!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by PalmerSage
Thanks all, I really appreciate all the insight. It's absolutely true that my desire to impress other people stems from my insecurities. I guess it would be one thing if I was a true neat freak, but it mostly kicks in when I'm entertaining. I also feel more prone to stressing out and becoming super irritable these days.
dont take yourself or life too seriously. its too short.
just one of the sayings that helped me start loving myself-warts and all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Thanks again, everyone. I was thinking of your advice yesterday, when I was readying a guest suite with the rigor of a Ritz-Carlton housekeeper. 
I reflected on the times I've spent the night at the home of my guests...sleeping in their child's twin bed, etc...and how it was perfectly fine! Now, that said, I definitely had a lot of cravings yesterday, but remembered that "all feeling pass, good and bad," and was able to weather through it. I went to sleep and woke up sober, feeling accomplished and satisfied. You guys are the best.
I reflected on the times I've spent the night at the home of my guests...sleeping in their child's twin bed, etc...and how it was perfectly fine! Now, that said, I definitely had a lot of cravings yesterday, but remembered that "all feeling pass, good and bad," and was able to weather through it. I went to sleep and woke up sober, feeling accomplished and satisfied. You guys are the best.
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