The audacity of "I'm so disappointed in you"

Old 12-27-2017, 10:14 AM
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The audacity of "I'm so disappointed in you"

I purposefully didn't read any texts received from my AH in the couple of days leading up to Christmas and on Christmas day. Good thing because apparently we're back to blaming me for everything - I didn't try hard enough, I don't understand what family is, I didn't organize an intervention, I abandoned him "and all of my responsibilities" (not true at all), he wants my keys back, etc. And the closer, "I'm so disappointed in you."

Reading them with a couple day's distance was good because though I did get angry and worked up, I didn't let it ruin my Christmas and I was able to see all of it for exactly what it is after a couple of minutes.

And I responded, "That makes one of us, because I'm proud as hell of myself."

And I am getting a divorce. I am not bringing it up yet, but I have made the decision in my mind and in my heart and I know it's right for me. I found myself pacing yesterday near the window and worrying that he was going to appear (although he doesn't actually know here I am staying) - he hasn't ever done that, but that fear, that anxiety, it's so deeply inside me and it's so specifically tied to him. The blame game and the quacking and all that just helps to solidify it and remind me of where I was, where I am, and where I am headed.
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Old 12-27-2017, 10:49 AM
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Good for you glenl. Once we start seeing a situation as unacceptable, it's difficult to go back to accepting it all. I'm glad you had a good Christmas!!
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:10 AM
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Keep blocking him, and keep moving forward. Big hugs.
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:18 AM
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I know that emotion. The emotion of wanting to scream as loud as possible in their face and say: are you nuts? you are disappointed in ME?

My AH also emailed me for Christmas, he wished me and my son a Merry Christmas and asked to see him when he gets back on the 30th because he has toys for my son. I didn't reply. I am still waiting for the bailiff to serve him the divorce papers, he was supposed to be served before the 26th. I didn't reply, because I knew I would hear a whole lot of quacking similar to what you said you heard from your AH and I simply do NOT want to hear or read any of that nonsense any longer. I am hurting like hell and noone wanted this marriage to work more than I did and I KNOW it's not my fault.

It's NOT your fault and you DID everything possible and believe it or not, standing your ground and creating healthy boundaries IS the right thing to do, not just for you, but for him too.

You SHOULD be proud as hell of yourself and don't let his weakness undermine that for you. I don't know you and I am proud of you, what we are doing is the hardest s**t ever, because we won't even get acknowledgement from them, it's the complete opposite.
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:39 AM
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I too got hit with the blame 'stick' over the weekend. It went from "why won't you let me borrow money?"..I didn't respond..to "You owe me the money!" which is absolutely insane! soooo...I ignored that too. There were a few fake 'nice' texts fishing for a reply and they also got NOTHING. When I'm done...I'm done. I had forgotten that part of the old me before booze and codie behavior got me. BUT.. I'm back!
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
I too got hit with the blame 'stick' over the weekend. It went from "why won't you let me borrow money?"..I didn't respond..to "You owe me the money!" which is absolutely insane! soooo...I ignored that too. There were a few fake 'nice' texts fishing for a reply and they also got NOTHING. When I'm done...I'm done. I had forgotten that part of the old me before booze and codie behavior got me. BUT.. I'm back!
I've been really struggling with this specific issue (money) because part of me feels strongly that I have to "help" even though the expenses that he has are associated with his choice to keep our apartment instead of doing something smarter like moving in with his parents (they have an in-law, he lived there before we moved in together) but another part of me thinks, "You know, I helped support you for many years, I helped you pay your student loans, etc, etc, etc, so maybe you can just deal with things like the car insurance, etc, for right now, since it's been all of 4 weeks."

I don't know what's right. I do know that the heavy layer of guilt I feel over this issue isn't helping/
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Old 12-27-2017, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by glenl View Post
I've been really struggling with this specific issue (money) because part of me feels strongly that I have to "help" even though the expenses that he has are associated with his choice to keep our apartment instead of doing something smarter like moving in with his parents (they have an in-law, he lived there before we moved in together) but another part of me thinks, "You know, I helped support you for many years, I helped you pay your student loans, etc, etc, etc, so maybe you can just deal with things like the car insurance, etc, for right now, since it's been all of 4 weeks."

I don't know what's right. I do know that the heavy layer of guilt I feel over this issue isn't helping/
I could understand that. Her and I got separate houses over 6yrs ago due to infidelity on her part. We'd still see each other off/on during this time,but the trust was broken. Resentments were plenty(on both sides). During the 6yrs I got my act 'back together' and did very well for myself. While she was still doing the same old thing; renting,living payday-payday,daily drinking to blackout,gambling away inheritance $$($120,000+) over a 7mo span.. I was buying rental properties,opening businesses and having fun(I was drinking at this time). She became resentful over that. She resented my getting sober(1yr now). SOOOO...Her claim that I "owe the money" is based on her addictions and poor financial choices. She said: "I was there for you when you were rebuilding..I stuck by you." Well..OK,but you financially invested zero. You actually distracted me more than helped, if anything. I still paid for ALL outings and trips. I gave you money to gamble with when you were broke. I paid for car payments when you were short.. I owe you NOTHING!! Ask your new man for money.. My money is busy and so am I!

Wheeewww..sorry for the rant/ramble.. but, that's kinda what I'd reply to my ex...IF i was going to reply at all,so I'll just leave it here and pretend I replied?
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Old 12-27-2017, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by glenl View Post
I don't know what's right. I do know that the heavy layer of guilt I feel over this issue isn't helping/
Are you on the lease/rental agreement ?
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Old 12-27-2017, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
Are you on the lease/rental agreement ?
We don't have a lease, we have a very informal arrangement with our landlady. I am telling her at the end of this week that I am no longer living there though.

The only bill in my name is the cable and I am considering shutting it off at the end of the week.

I do still have stuff there but no means to move it at the moment so I took everything that was really important and left the rest for the time being.
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Old 12-27-2017, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by glenl View Post
We don't have a lease, we have a very informal arrangement with our landlady. I am telling her at the end of this week that I am no longer living there though.

The only bill in my name is the cable and I am considering shutting it off at the end of the week.

I do still have stuff there but no means to move it at the moment so I took everything that was really important and left the rest for the time being.
This is me as an owner of several rental properties..I'm 'cool' with a few places and don't make them sign a lease.. However.. I've been screwed in this same scenario, so I'd suggest you inform her,in writing, that you'll no longer be a part of the verbal agreement. Hire a moving service(rent a truck and get some friends to help if needed) for the following day. Get your stuff out and then shut off the cable. You do not want to be liable for him trashing the place out of spite. I almost got into a fist fight for this exact scenario at one of my properties. Just my angle on it.
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