Countrylife

I don’t really know how to put this my thoughts are everywhere!! Have you ever just lost hope and an emotional wreck well I’m there I wanted to delete my account last night which I still kind of want to but not sure on how you do that which I guess is a good thing in a way cause it keeps me here!!! when I think about not drinking is makes me nervous and jittery then of course it usually gets the best of me I can’t help but think of the future and this summer and no alcohol chances are slim hate to be negative... I want to change but I want to give up.... I want a life without regret and without alcohol but I can’t seem to get pass a week I keep telling myself it will get better and easier but I keep making it hard on myself I’m putting a fight up with my self instead of my addictions

JustTony

Maybe you think too far ahead? When I find myself thinking of holidays I already have booked or meals I have said that I will attend then the whole subject of drinking or not drinking comes to mind. I push those future engagements to the back of my mind firmly.

All I concentrate on is now. At the most I commit myself to not drink today. I accept that I might tomorrow. But I'm not going to today.

Every morning I then reassess the day ahead.

Berrybean

I agree that you ealk y coukd do go with keeping things to the day and just pull your mind gently back when it starts racing ahead. It needs to be a conscious decision to do this, and will get easier over time.

This is a common problem. So much so that there is a special little wallet sized card produced by AA for people to keep with them entitled Just For Today. It says...

JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.



Stick with it. One day at a time. You can solve the problem of the summer in the summer.

BB x

DontRemember

I'm a 'day by day' person. I may drink tomorrow,but not today.

When I joined here I'd 'vanish' and drink. Then something would happen as a direct result of my drinking and I'd come back trying to figure out "why?". It was obvious "why?" it happened,but I was looking for other reasons because I didn't want to blame it on my drinking. Then I'd have to stop drinking and I just couldn't do that!! Must find another thing,excuse,whatever...."Can't just stop drinking!!! That's insane!!" I'd think. But,after I started an action based plan I could see how immature that thinking was. Like a spoiled kid throwing a tantrum. That's what your AV is...a F'n spoiled brat!! If my kid,growing up, had behaved the way my AV does i'd have busted her ass!

PalmerSage

I can relate to how you're feeling. After several failed attempts at sobriety, I am trying my best to remind myself not to "snowball" by imagining catastrophes far into the future. When presented with options in the near future, I try to say "I don't think I'm ready for that right now" and avoid predicting what I will or won't be ready for in 6 months or whatever. But definitely don't delete your account, because that might be a guarantee that all of the momentum you've gained will be lost.

Berrybean

You made me chuckle. This is how i end my morning prayers '.... Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims. AMEN.'

Yep. My AV IS a brat. A toddler chucking a tantrum. It's commonly heard (in my head) with lines like "it's not fair", and "I dont wanna...." and "why should I...." And "nobody cares about me". Yesterday I shared with someone how it kicked off (at over 3 years sober!) about not being able to go to the grand re-opening of an amusement park / funfair which is hours and hours drive from where I live. Ohhhh the drama. The tears. The foot stamping indignance of it. It took me a while to even recognise that it was AV fuelled. I just thought I was off my nut. But of course, in my early teens funfairs meant alcohol, soft-drugs and knee-trembler-illicit-liasons. THAT was what the strop was over. Haha. I'd have been well disappointed with that funfairs reopening if I'd have gone wouldn't I. Just a few rides and some dodgy-dj tunes and then back to some skanky seaside b&b for the night and then a long drive home in the morning.

Oh well. It's all learning isn't it.

BB

DontRemember

yeah..I doubt the fair would be what you remember it as. Kinda like when i get stuck having to go to a bar lately.. I'm just soooo bored and do not see the 'draw' anymore(even for watching sports). I'm solid in my sobriety and have no desire to drink. I try to keep my meetings to 'new to me' restaurants that still serve booze,but have the occasional client that ALWAYS wants to go to a bar(wonder why?).

Anna

Countrylife, it is normal to feel anxious and nervous when you are starting to deal with your addiction. It really does get easier. Each day you will feel stronger and better about yourself.

Countrylife

So just kind of curious I’m thinking I gotta talk to you about deleting an account if I would happen to want to???

DarklingSong

I hope you won't delete your account. Even if you are overwhelmed and despairing now, it can and will pass. Don't stop trying......
Support to you.

Magpie82

Country, I think we’ve all been there. I was just there last week. It is excruciating! And the only thing that will make you feel better, at this moment, is a drink. Last week, if someone told me I’d be sober for the next 10 days, I’d a never believed it. All I knew was I needed to not drink that one day. And being on here, reading everyone’s posts (including yours ) has somehow magically given me the strength every day so far to keep going. You were sober last week. You inspired me. I have no idea where I’ll go from here, all I know is that today I feel a million times better than I did that morning, the morning of day one. And if I chose that day to get temporary relief from booze, I’da kept on with it. You can do this. You’ve had really tough week- go easy on yourself and start again at day one. We need you here.

Countrylife

Y’all ain’t making it easy to give up but I have to thank you for that every post keeps changing my mind As stupid as it sounds I guess I’m looking to hear it’s okay to give up which I don’t think I’m gonna hear it but I’ve had a drink today just 1 and it’s to late to change that but I guess it’s not to late to stop

DarklingSong

Never to late to stop......
Tomorrow start again. Post here. Stay with us.

Berrybean

Not too late to stop.

If there was a juggernaut coming down the road and you'd stepped one step out into the road, would ya think you had to carry on walking? NO!!! You see what you're heading for and stop and get back to safety.

Reckon that's what your instinct is trying to get you to do (despite your A/V telling you to delete yiur account and be done with all this sobriety nonsense) or you wouldn't even be here posting. That little voice inside is shouting out for help to stay with this. We'll keep listening. But will you??

BB x

Magpie82

It’s not too late. Keep checking in.

Dee74

There's no way to get that without stopping drinking and drugging

A life without drink or drugs scared me - I thought I'd be this grey little figure, no joy in my life, no friends, nothing to look forward too...

Could not be further from the truth

I love my life now and I love rediscovering the real me.

I am truly happy - and I'm no longer ashamed.

My life has changed a lot - I lost a lot of drinking buddies - but I gained a lot of real friends where the bond between us is not simply alcohol.

My idea of fun has changed too - it's no longer tied to getting wasted.

I'm a better person and a better partner - I'm a better citizen of the world sober too..

All I can say is I hope you decide to stick around and give it a try countrylife - I reckon you'll be SO glad you did

D

Countrylife

If you can promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel I probably should keep trying I talk to a friend who done the whole AA thing she told me how she cleared her thoughts and help free her self was tell her story to get everything off her chest does that really work??

Babescake

I think that is the torture of the alcoholic. You want to fast forward time to get to a better place and have insufferable impatience, yet one day at a time even seems insurmountable.

Berrybean

We do share our experiences as AA, but its not so much sharing our story in the rooms that frees us so much as taking our personal inventory privately, and then sharing it with one trusted person (our sponsor). They'll likely be things that you don't necessarily want to share in a group situation if you're anything like me, but at least they don't hold that power of being a deep dark secret anymore. I couldn't even voice some things to a counsellor before I did those AA steps. I felt they would be too shocked and disgusted with me, and that I wouldn't be able to bear that rejection. The inventory gave me a structured way to work through it and look at things in a more objective light than I had before while writing that inventory, so by the time I was done with that step (step 4) I was ready and willing to share it with my sponsor and my HP (step 5) - although I wasn't looking forward to doing it. Of course, there was nothing much that she'd never heard before, and she didn't judge. It was very freeing. I'd thoroughly recommend giving the AA route a try. It's changed my life.

BB

b0glerd69

Hi Countrylife, thanks for being so brave and sharing your problems with the forum. I have also had anxiety when faced with the prospect of never drinking again but as others have said, it does get easier with time. Your body will start to get used to life without alcohol, the 'stinkin' thinking' will lessen, you'll find other far more rewarding things to do with your time than drink/recover and eventually you'll find yourself not wanting to go to the summer parties at all - and trying to find excuses to do things that are better for you and the kids. Hang in there, it is not easy but there is a lot of support here. Good luck.