tiredwoman

I really, really want a drink right now. About a year and a half ago something happened when I was drunk and it affected me a lot. Someone attempted to sexually assault me while I was heavily intoxicated. Only by the grace of a friend, I was saved. A nostalgic object I came across hit me hard this afternoon, and I shook, cried and lamented. I am so upset right now and want to raid my mom's wine. It is so ridiculous - alcohol is what put me in such a perilious position and yet I still wanna go back to it. Why am I so flawed? Why do I never learn? I have felt great for these 6 days of sobriety. But I still wanna go back to that hell.

I am such a wreck right now.

JustTony

Don't drink.

That inner voice is NOT yours. It is your AV. Fight it. Ignore it. Do anything but listen to it.

Sleep. Listen to music with headphones on. Dance. Go for a walk. Watch Youtube. Go to the gym. Ring a friend to wish them everything good for 2018. Anything.

But don't listen to the AV and don't drink.

hills

Hi tiredwoman

I can really relate to your post. I had a very similar situation arise when I was 19. It's ironic isn't it...even though alcohol put me in a position where I couldn't defend myself against a sexual assault that particular incident escalated my drinking into dangerous territory. Before that I drank for fun, after I drank to forget.

12 years later my drinking has gotten progressively worse and I've never dealt with the emotional trauma. Drinking away the pain has done nothing for me and will do nothing for you either. Staying sober and seeking support (have you considered therapy? I've found it helpful in the past) are much better solutions.

I'm on day 7 so we are doing this together!

entropy1964

First of all recognize what you are feeling is normal. Accept that it is normal for your brain to tell you to drink when it is in a state of dis-ease. Tell yourself that nothing is going to happen NOW, you are safe. Breath. A guided meditation on youtube can help.

I had the exact same thing happen except I didn't get saved. It happened. Its over. Its in the past. And I never have to put myself in danger again. It was wrong. Its not my fault. But it is OVER.

You are so early early in this process. There will probably be many more times you are shocked and triggered by the past. Don't drink, no matter what. Every feeling, good or bad, passes. I take comfort in that. You are capable. You will get through....if you don't drink. Have you thought about an AA woman's meeting? You will be amazed, shocked, by how many of us have been through exactly what you have. And you will be amazed at how much those women can help. I guess we are part of the ME TOO movement. You aren't alone.

tiredwoman

You are right. Drinking away the pain does not help. In fact it makes things so much worse.

Therapy is possibiity but I cannot afford it. I'm a broke student.

tiredwoman

Too late. Already had that first glass. F**king ruined my 6 days of sobriety. I am at that stage where the wine is creeping into my brain, giving me that tipsy buzz. I messed up big time.

tiredwoman

I wish I read this before drinking and ruining my sobriety. Such a good post. I am so sorry for what happened to you. You have tremendous strength.

FallingStars

Does the university have a counseling center you can avail yourself to?

hills

I'm sorry you're struggling tiredwoman but you can stop drinking now after one glass of wine instead of continuing. Many of us on here (myself included) have relapsed but keep coming back.

From being a student and being employed at different colleges/universities I know that many offer free counselling services to students, which might be something you could look into.

tiredwoman

We do have a therapist yeah but she is so backlogged. System is inefficient. You have to wait ages to see her.

tiredwoman

I know I should stop but I am slready on the third glass.

AlericB

Looking at this from an AVRT angle, you are not flawed. The upsetness you feel is being exploited and even perpetuated by your Addictive Voice by getting you to drink your mum's wine. The AV is the suggestion that by drinking you will alleviate your upset feelings.

If you could try to separate your real feeling of upset from the thoughts of drinking any further (the AV) I am sure that you will find that your upset will naturally subside. And dismiss the AV now by throwing the drink away.

entropy1964

Well you can stop drinking if you choose. You can start your day, your thinking, your actions over anytime. Take a bath, go for a walk, go to AA.

PalmerSage

TW, you're down but not out. Use this as an opportunity to learn: You were triggered, and you used wine for relief. Next time you're triggered (it will happen), what are specific things you can do instead? You got some great suggestions here, but maybe really think about it when your head is clear and you're not in the moment? I'm honestly talking to myself as much as you, because I'm working on the same issues. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

biminiblue

Put it down, tw.

I can't tell you how many traumatic memories I have - and they do come up but like Fricka says, you're safe now and the past is over. The past and its memories don't have to have power over your life now.

I'm sorry to hear you are drinking. Please stay indoors and don't go looking for a party.

Yes, the wine temporarily stops the spinning brain but the ISSUE, whatever it may be, will still be there to be dealt with after the hangover is over.

It isn't a cure, it isn't a fix. All bad feelings pass. All good feelings pass. I had to learn to sit with them and find other solutions.

Come back and keep talking to us.

tiredwoman

I am not strong. Asking me to stop drinking now is like askking a shark to drop the pursuit right when it is about to clamp its jaws around a seal's torso. I am sorry.

DangerZone

I've relapsed a couple times because of a trigger I had... It got old quick and I learned that when I drank or used drugs due to my trigger it didn't make anything better. It made it worse.

So don't beat yourself up too much. Some of us take longer to get sober than others but just make sure you keep trying and keep learning from your mistakes.

Whatever you do don't let this relapse turn into a binge. Stop as soon as you can and get right back to being sober.

dwtbd

It is like that , only for the shark that instinct/feeling/drive is an actual survival drive, failing to listen to it would kill the shark.
The AV , is a human rogue instinct/feeling/drive that mimics a survivla drive, only IT only seeks booze booze and more booze, failing to listen to it has the opposite effect for humans.
You can put the booze down ,it just feels like you can't. But you can .

Berrybean

Sobriety and recovery are two different things. We need to be sober to work on our recovery, and recovery is us learning new and better ways of dealing with life on life's terms. Including working through past hurts and resentments against those who hurt or angered us, and dealing with the things we did to harm ourselves and others. It's amazingly freeing, and is what makes sobriety bearable, sustainable, and eventually preferable. But it doesn't happen overnight.

I tried to access counseling before working in my recovery and it just was impossible. I wasn't able to be honest with the counsellor, and just told her all the bits that I had no part in. And of course, taking other people's inventory doesn't get any of us well. It was MY part that kept me awake at night. MY part that made me hate myself. MY part that my AV used as leverage every time - playing on my shame and fear. Since doing 12-step work I have been able to get a new counsellor to help me work through the issues I had around some abuse that I need specific help to work through - and because of that recovery work I have been able to be honest enough to speak openly and without terror of judgement with my counsellor, and it's going much better this time.

I would suggest getting some support. AA meetings are available everywhere, even if you end up accessing them online. Women only meetings if you prefer and feel safer in a female only environment initially. It would be a rare university anywhere in the world that doesn't have student counselling available. Please don't let fear and shame stop you from reaching out.

In the meantime,please tip away the rest of the wine. It is no real solution. The relief you will get from it will be extremely short term, and before you know it you'll be back to exactly where you were before you stopped. I know that last night it wasn't alcohol you took but smoking soft drugs, but this would still have fed your AV and given it renewed impotus. Please stop feeding the beast.

Sobriety. Recovery. Counselling. That's a much more positive plan, even if it is a long term rather than short term solution.

BB

tiredwoman

I know you are right. But I am thinking about going through the night sober and it terrifies me. I don't want to confront these feelings sober. I am too scared.