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Ultimatum to a parent

Old 12-26-2017, 06:01 PM
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Ultimatum to a parent

Hello everyone.

This is my first post to this site even though I have been signed up for some time on here. My short story to tell is about my mom. A sweet woman who loves everyone with more heart than she has to give, and has a strong relationship with her faith. However for more than 20 years she has been an alcoholic something that I really came to understand only about 5 years ago. I always knew something was up but never knew what until my dad finally told me. I dont truly understand where her addiction stemmed from, my dad says its just from not having life turn out they way she may have imagined it financially.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago I expressed my concerns to my dad as I stared to date my now wife that this would become a problem again as my then girlfriend was starting to notice something was up with her. My wife does not have a mother any more, she passed away some years ago from early onset alzheimer's. My wife very much struggled with the fact that she lost her mom to a uncontrollable disease where mine is causing herself her own degradation by choice.

Now married my wife and I just had our first child. My wife made it clear that she would not tolerate grandma being around the child if she knew she had been drinking. She now too has zero trust that at any moment grandma may have been drinking without anyone knowing about it potentially physically endangering the child or emotionally with the toxicity of the disease. My dad and I confronted my mom on the matter about 6 months ago explaining the situation. My mom had very little to say back other than "she would work on it" only a month or so ago my dad told her that an ultimatum may come if she dosnt get it under control. I too had a private conversation calmly voicing my concern letting her know that there would be zero tolerance situation with her drinking. Well the holidays have come and past now and with them plenty of booze like most families have. My mom this Christmas made sure to have her fair share of drinks and by the end of the evening was defiantly drunk.

I dont know what to do because I am very heart broken by the situation. I am an only child. This will be my moms only grandchild (or children if/when we have more). I love my mom very much, and I have expressed that to her when I have talked to her and how much this disease can affect her self as a person BESIDES everyone else around her. I told her about how I visited an AA meeting and talked to a number of people there and expressed how so much of the meetings are focused around God, someone she is very close with. But now its to the point where I dont know where to turn. I am very afraid of what a strict no contact ultimatum might bring until she chooses to seek help and accepts that she has a problem. I really do not know how to tackle the next step, all I know is, it is heart breaking for me, and I know it is heartbreaking for her as well when she cant see her new grand daughter.
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Old 12-26-2017, 06:33 PM
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Welcome to SR CJ. Sorry for what brings you here, it is a difficult situation for you and your family I'm sure. Ultimatums are not always effective tools, sometimes they can actually make things even worse too. I do think that setting boundaries is important though, and telling your mother that you don't want your children around while she is drinking is a fair boundary in my opinion.

At the end of the day, your mom will need to make the decision to quit on her own though. Addiction is a horribly selfish thing. and unfortunately some addicts choose their drug of choice over even family. Talking to her about it might help, but it may also backfire too. Backlash is entirely possible so you need to be preapared for it if you do approach her on the subject.
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Old 12-26-2017, 07:16 PM
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I am sorry for the situation you are in. Scott is right, she has to want to get sober for herself. I hope she realizes the consequences and stops drinking.
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Old 12-26-2017, 07:26 PM
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I agree with Scott also. I would suggest that you and your dad hit up some ala-non meetings. I am an alcoholic and when given ultimatums they turned into great reasons to drink. I wanted to not disappoint, ruin relationships, get into trouble, choose booze over family, but addiction won out until I was ready. As someone that doesn't have alcoholism, you won't understand but doesn't mean you can't learn and empathize. Also, maybe encourage your mom into some sort of treatment program or AA. Good luck
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Old 12-26-2017, 08:07 PM
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Hi and welcome cjgodfryt
I'm sorry for what brings you here - sounds like a very tough situation.

The welfare of your child, as well of that of you and your wife, need to come first here. If your mom can't or won't stop drinking, I think you're entitled to lay down whatever boundaries you see fit to protect your family.

Needless to say this won't be easy or pleasant, but you're not alone here.
We also have Family and Friends forums you may wish to check out as well

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Old 12-26-2017, 08:30 PM
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Thank you all so far. I left Christmas evening just after presents opening in a pretty upset (but to myself) manner. I had a good 4 hour drive home in the middle of the night from Chicago to Green Bay where we live to really fester over the situation and spent most of my day at work today very tired and still very upset. I wrote a letter filled with honest words but also my ultimatum. I furiously didn't even want to see here when i dropped off this letter and the rest of the Christmas gifts which haven't been shared yet. However as I got back home and was sitting mostly in silence not even wanting to open up to my wife about it I just begun to run all the things through my head that could come about with this ultimatum. Something still has too be done, and boundaries still need to be made, but Im starting to feel like another "intervention" like sit-down with my wife and baby included in the room might be the next step before a full cut off.
I do want to try to get to an Al-Anon meeting in the area sometime soon. I did attend an open speaker AA meeting a while back which was very enlightening. I really hope my mom will choose to finally seek help. There are many people around who could help including the Deacon at her church who is a multi year sober now alcoholic who is very open about it in mass.
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Old 12-27-2017, 10:09 AM
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Sorry to hear of your predicament.

I wonder if your mother might feel easier about attending Celebrate Recovery than AA (initially at least) as there is more focus on a Christian God rather than God of own Understanding, and is run more specifically by churches... Celebrate Recovery Ministry
http://www.southparkchurch.org/celebrate-recovery

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Old 12-27-2017, 10:20 AM
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Saying that you don't want your mother around your baby when she has been drinking - or even quietly committing yourself to the fact that you will not allow the baby to be with her alone and unsupervised (in case she has been drinking and you are not aware) are both fair enough and in fact very, very sensible.

Saying she cannot see your child full stop (even when she is temporarily sober) is not fair enough in my opinion - and a little bit hamfisted if not cruel. I'm sorry that you won't like that push back.

Furthermore - ultimatums like this don't work anyway as a long term recovery program.

I suspect I'll get some flak for not towing the line on this, but that's my honest take on it. Find some middle ground.

Regards,

JT
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Old 12-27-2017, 10:58 AM
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I can completely relate to your post. I remember the fear I felt when I worried that my mom would try to carry the baby down the stairs...making sure she was always sitting down when she was holding him...deeply resenting her for not being able to keep herself together (and I am an alcoholic too!) That was about 15 years ago, and it was EXTREMELY hard. Now, she suffers from alcohol-induced dementia, which is even harder. I think it is completely acceptable to insist that she can't be around the baby when she is drinking, although then you will be playing the "is she or isn't she?" game constantly, which is utterly exhausting. But she is your mom, and you're her only child, so there needs to be a middle ground if it can be found.
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:36 AM
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Remember, when making boundaries that these state what YOU will do in the event of x, y or z. Not what anyone else is going to do - as that would be beyond your control.

So it might look like 'If we visit and a parent is under the influence of alcohol I will .....' (not 'if we are visiting mum will be be sober').

Your boundaries need to be enforceable by you yourself. They are to keep you and your child physically and emotionally safe.

Oh, and yourbjum doesntbdrink because of financial disappointment. She drinks because she chooses to believe that It will make her feel better, despite evidence to the contrary. If your mother is choosing to drink today and she had a big lottery win at lunchtime that would change their financial situation, what do you think she'd drink to celebrate? Tea?

No, she drinks because that's her escape route of choice and she is protected from the consequences of her choices by a family who love her. If she is an alcoholic, do not be surprised if she chooses alcohol over her grandchild until she realises that you really do mean business.

It does seem harsh when taking about a nice and mature lady of faith, but I also know a couple of ladies in my local AA who finally chose to get sober in their late 60s because their family decided enough was enough and that they were not willing to let their respective behaviors affect their grandchildren. They both have a good 5 years sobriety now, and their grandchildren enjoy staying with them and having them as loving rocks in their lives. People who can be relied upon and trusted. Both of them are widows and say that they'd have been in danger of harming themselves if they'd carried on drinking. They both suffered public humiliation because of their drinking. One at a local supermarket, and the other falling over drunk at a lawn bowls tournament.

There are so many older ladies who have suffered through alcoholism, just as have younger folk. But keeping it as the elephant in the room out of shame or embarrassment just ends in stalemate.

I'll be praying for your mother to find the humility to face up to and deal with her problems through Godsgrace, mercy and peace.

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Old 12-27-2017, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by cjgodfryt View Post
There are many people around who could help including the Deacon at her church who is a multi year sober now alcoholic who is very open about it in mass.
You stated your mom has deep faith in her religion. Maybe you and your dad speak with the Deacon to 12th step her. I've been involved with two and they seem to help the family along with the addict. You can use it as the intervention.
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Old 12-28-2017, 03:49 AM
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Your wife is being way too precious. If you mom is an innocuous drunk, I see no reason why you can't visit her while you are fully present and fully in control. Sounds like your mom has exhibited enough control over the years for you not to have noticed? Surely, I do not condone functioning alcoholism or alcoholism in general, but if your mom is not a daily fixture and your daughter does not seek to emulate her, I see no reason to exacerbate the situation by further conflict. Go there, visit, supervise your daughter and if the drunkenness ever makes your mom act threatening, rude, disturbing, etc., that's all she wrote and your mom loses her chance. Your mom can't hold the baby while drunk, etc. Trust me, the baby is not going to be damaged by seeing what you didn't even realize until two years ago was drunken behavior.

It's not the end of the world to be around someone who is drunk--you didn't mention that she's out of control, fighting, hitting, violent, etc. If she isn't babysitting or having one on one time with her or giving her cooking/driving lessons, what's the big deal?

I say this as a former alcoholic, who, even while drinking and managing my son, never allowed him to be babysat by anyone by us throughout his 9 years of life. I'm very protective of him and there are people I don't allow him to be with who have no problem with drinking, so I'm not advocating this because I'm lax.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by notgonnastoptry View Post
Your wife is being way too precious. If you mom is an innocuous drunk, I see no reason why you can't visit her while you are fully present and fully in control. Sounds like your mom has exhibited enough control over the years for you not to have noticed? Surely, I do not condone functioning alcoholism or alcoholism in general, but if your mom is not a daily fixture and your daughter does not seek to emulate her, I see no reason to exacerbate the situation by further conflict. Go there, visit, supervise your daughter and if the drunkenness ever makes your mom act threatening, rude, disturbing, etc., that's all she wrote and your mom loses her chance. Your mom can't hold the baby while drunk, etc. Trust me, the baby is not going to be damaged by seeing what you didn't even realize until two years ago was drunken behavior.

It's not the end of the world to be around someone who is drunk--you didn't mention that she's out of control, fighting, hitting, violent, etc. If she isn't babysitting or having one on one time with her or giving her cooking/driving lessons, what's the big deal?

I say this as a former alcoholic, who, even while drinking and managing my son, never allowed him to be babysat by anyone by us throughout his 9 years of life. I'm very protective of him and there are people I don't allow him to be with who have no problem with drinking, so I'm not advocating this because I'm lax.
I appreciate your honesty on the matter. She has never been a violent drunk, but her drinking does bring out often loud vocal expressions of her dissatisfaction on a number of things and a lot of cussing. Obviously when shes very drunk she can get very off balance and seem extremely unstable.
You are right, it did take a long time for me to know that she was a drunk, however I DID know that something was the matter for many years. I actually had always through it was contributed to something with her being extra tired, as it would always happen at night never during the day, and at times she would lay down on the couch wake up later and be totally fine (sobering up as I figured it out later).
She had always done a knowledgeable job when I was growing up however of never drinking when she had to drive me somewhere. Back in the day my dad would have to travel for work and I can honestly never remember a time when she was drunk when there would be days or nights where we would have to go somewhere by car.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:27 AM
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Hi, cjgodfreyt.
Welcome to SR.
The following thoughts are my opinion only, so take what you like and leave the rest.
It sounds like your spouse has mixed feelings about her mil, maybe some continuing grief about her mother’s death and resentment about your mother’s behavior.?
What are your motives here?
Obviously to protect your child, which I think can be done without too much drama.
Mom doesn’t baby sit. Mom doesn’t walk downstairs with child. Whatever you need to do to ensure your child’s safety and wellbeing.
Do you think that barring your mom from seeing the baby, if that is what you plan to do, will cause her to stop drinking?
Cuz, no.
We stop drinking when we are ready to stop drinking.
If your mom has been drinking to excess for 20 years, nothing you say or do will change that, sorry to say.
As a grandmother, I feel it is better for all if the child or children can have a relationship with their grandparents, unless the grandparents are messed up, toxic, or dangerous.
Do you feel that is the case in your situation?
I am very, very sorry for your situation, and I would like to say again that the above is my opinion only.
You must do what you must do.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:36 AM
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I’m a bit confused.
Is it that you think your child wouldn’t be safe around your mom, or do you want to shield the child from your mom’s obnoxious behavior when she’s drunk?
Both?
Because that is a boundary you can set and could have set (maybe you have?) at any time, child or no.
“Mom. i will leave when you get obnoxious.”
I, too, recommend Al-Anon . Lots of support there.
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