Looking for people who understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1
Looking for people who understand
I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years. We have 3 children together, 2 adult sons and 1 teenage daughter. We divorced 2 1/2 years ago after he left (again) and thought he could come back. I filed for divorce after 2 months of waiting for him to. The last 5 years were very bad- his drinking got progressively worse and he was abusive to our older son and was miserable to be around. I tried so hard to work things out (yes, I realize now that it was only me trying to work things out). He denies to this day that he has a drinking problem. He worked his way up in his profession over 20 years and then, less than a year after he left, he lost his job. He has not spoken to our sons since he left and he stopped visitation with our daughter about 8 months after he left. He owes over $20,000 in child support, and recently had a judge declare him in willful contempt of the child support agreement and incarcerate him. He came up with some money to avoid actual jail and entered a parental accountability program. He lives with an enabler who used to be a friend of mine who realized our marriage was over and moved in to provide him an easy place to run and drink away. He lives in isolation, and other than court, I had not seen him in over a year There is more, this is the reader's digest version.
I am still struggling even admitting he even is an alcoholic. I realize that my children have suffered and feel guilty about that. My daughter loves him and worries so much about him. He texts her every few months (he lives 15 minutes away). He left when she was 12 and, after a year of therapy, is now doing great (aside from the effects of being the child of an alcoholic). My one son is a perfectionist and just pretends his dad doesn't exist, the other son prays for him. I just don't know if I can ever even have another relationship- I don't know what a healthy one even looks like as I've never had one. Plus, I just don't have it in me- after 20 years with him, I am worn out. I guess I am looking for a place, and people, who understand the effects of being married so long, and raising a family, with an alcoholic. The guilt, the anger, and all of that. I will say, though, that since he left, I have been so much happier- we all have (except him) and things have gone great. I rejoined the world, reconnected with friends and family, bought my own house, and have a great career. So it is not gloom and doom- it is just me coming to terms that I was indeed married to an alcoholic and that there are long-term effects from that.
I am still struggling even admitting he even is an alcoholic. I realize that my children have suffered and feel guilty about that. My daughter loves him and worries so much about him. He texts her every few months (he lives 15 minutes away). He left when she was 12 and, after a year of therapy, is now doing great (aside from the effects of being the child of an alcoholic). My one son is a perfectionist and just pretends his dad doesn't exist, the other son prays for him. I just don't know if I can ever even have another relationship- I don't know what a healthy one even looks like as I've never had one. Plus, I just don't have it in me- after 20 years with him, I am worn out. I guess I am looking for a place, and people, who understand the effects of being married so long, and raising a family, with an alcoholic. The guilt, the anger, and all of that. I will say, though, that since he left, I have been so much happier- we all have (except him) and things have gone great. I rejoined the world, reconnected with friends and family, bought my own house, and have a great career. So it is not gloom and doom- it is just me coming to terms that I was indeed married to an alcoholic and that there are long-term effects from that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, StillHealing.
Welcome to SR.
Time and distance helps to bring clarity.
I’m glad you have a good relationship with your children, as that is not always the case when a partner stays in a dysfunctional marriage.
Coming to terms with the marriage, your ex’s drinking, and how to be going forward is a process and it takes time.
I know you will get there.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
Time and distance helps to bring clarity.
I’m glad you have a good relationship with your children, as that is not always the case when a partner stays in a dysfunctional marriage.
Coming to terms with the marriage, your ex’s drinking, and how to be going forward is a process and it takes time.
I know you will get there.
Peace.
I'm glad you found us and joined us. 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
