Inpatient versus outpatient
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Inpatient versus outpatient
I don’t think detoxing is an issue for my h. There is a place that does intense out patient counseling like 3 hours every evening. Based on your experience with you qualifier, do you think that kind of program could be effective or should I insist on in patient. My H now wants to beat this. I realize his wanting and his doing are different but just want some feedback on programs and success.
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Angrymarble....are you clear on the difference between tetox and rehab?
When you say he wants to "beat this"....what do you mean....
That he wants to beat the rap....or does he want to get live long recovery from alcoholism?
When you say he wants to "beat this"....what do you mean....
That he wants to beat the rap....or does he want to get live long recovery from alcoholism?
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Angrymarble....are you clear on the difference between tetox and rehab?
When you say he wants to "beat this"....what do you mean....
That he wants to beat the rap....or does he want to get live long recovery from alcoholism?
When you say he wants to "beat this"....what do you mean....
That he wants to beat the rap....or does he want to get live long recovery from alcoholism?
But when I asked it wasn’t about beating the rap. It was beating the disease. Forever.
A friend thinks he needs inpatient and suggested I post to get anecdotes bc my h wants out patient.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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From experience with my qualifier, the seemingly easier root he always chose was outpatient, that way HIS life was not totally disrupted by the inconvenience of having to address something he really did not want to address. His words said he did but his half-hearted actions spoke differently.
No one BEATS the disease, but with a wholehearted dedication and commitment, he could put it into remission at best. Then its’ a lifelong dedication to keeping it in remission.
No one BEATS the disease, but with a wholehearted dedication and commitment, he could put it into remission at best. Then its’ a lifelong dedication to keeping it in remission.
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if he was serious about getting sober and staying sober for good, he'd be navigating his way into residential treatment so he could get the BEST start possible. IMHO, outpatient rarely "works" - not because the method itself is not sound, but it's the easier softer way for many alcoholics.
the same can be said for AA meetings.....there is a big difference between going TO a couple of meetings, occupying a chair for 60-90 minutes, and working the suggested program of recovery with a whole heart.
time will tell. you can lead a horse to water and all that.
the same can be said for AA meetings.....there is a big difference between going TO a couple of meetings, occupying a chair for 60-90 minutes, and working the suggested program of recovery with a whole heart.
time will tell. you can lead a horse to water and all that.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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My H was a long time drinker which was getting progressively worse. He has stopped several times before. 3 years ago it got out of control again to the point where he drove home completely wasted. I confronted hime and he stopped cold turkey for a year (I suggested treatment but he wanted to try and do it himself one more time), the longest he had every been sober. He was a dry drunk however (I learned that later) so he was still the same miserable person but without the alcohol to cope. Still tired all the time, grumpy, not wanting to go to social events etc. After a year he started drinking again. I let it go for almost a year before I could no longer handle it. I didn't say anything sooner because I figured he would probably stop again and restart and we would continue the same cycle.
September 2016 I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum because I seriously couldn't deal with it anymore. So he quit that day. I told him he had to seek treatment this time (and it could no longer be a secret, we had both hidden it so well from everyone that it was a complete surprise to all our friends) and he sought help through an organization that helps people in his profession. They interviewed him and ordered mandatory 30 day inpatient rehab. We were both completely surprised that they ordered that because after all he had already quit drinking. Two weeks after he quit he started rehab. The Frits 2 or 3 days are detox because just encuvée someone says they have not drank in 2 weeks doesn't mean you can actually trust him. So after 48 hours he was taken from detox (which is at the rehab center) to the rehab. Let me tell you that I strongly believe now that without inpatient rehab he would not have made the progress he made. He ended up having to stay 90 days. I believe that had he come home after 30 days I would've ended leaving him shortly after (as it is a year later we ares till having a lot of problems because I'm the one struggling with all the changes in him and myself and the fact that my feelings have changed for him the past 3 years ) . It took him a good 7 weeks of itnsense daily therapy and meeting to finally recognize his behaviors and start dealing with them. And even in the past year things continue to constantly evolve. Had he only had outpatient treatment I don't think he would've ever gotten to this point. Substance abuse is only a small part of the issue. Most of it is underlying psych issues that people are self medicating. It can be a simple as social anxiety (my H) or mor severe psych issues. They get a through psych eval in rehab, in my H case he had been drinking for the past 40 years, starting at 13. So even though everyone is different I think that the large majority of people really need inpatient rehab but unfortunately that is not something easily available or affordable for most people. I think if you are in a position to do inpatient rehab I would strongly recommend it. My H would have never voluntarily chosen to go to rehab but in retrospect we both understand that he really really needed it. He is followed really closely due to his profession and is doing well from a sobriety standpoint (he is doing soberlink) . Our marriage really suffered the last 3 years especially but even before that at least from my standpoint. I think if he had sought treatment 3 years ago things probably would've been different as far as the damage to our relationship. Had he not done rehab last year and only done some outpatient stuff I'm fairly certain I would be gone now. It is still far from being good but things have calmed down a bit. He is ready to move forward and I'm really struggling. I have also had to change my ways (codependency) so we are both changing a lot.
H went to rehab 2 hours from home. I also wonder if it would've been better for him to be out of state. Or me at least, driving up there every Sunday to visit for a couple of hours was a chore, but that also had to do with the fact that our relationship wasn't good.
Feel free to ask more questions, happy to help if I can.
September 2016 I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum because I seriously couldn't deal with it anymore. So he quit that day. I told him he had to seek treatment this time (and it could no longer be a secret, we had both hidden it so well from everyone that it was a complete surprise to all our friends) and he sought help through an organization that helps people in his profession. They interviewed him and ordered mandatory 30 day inpatient rehab. We were both completely surprised that they ordered that because after all he had already quit drinking. Two weeks after he quit he started rehab. The Frits 2 or 3 days are detox because just encuvée someone says they have not drank in 2 weeks doesn't mean you can actually trust him. So after 48 hours he was taken from detox (which is at the rehab center) to the rehab. Let me tell you that I strongly believe now that without inpatient rehab he would not have made the progress he made. He ended up having to stay 90 days. I believe that had he come home after 30 days I would've ended leaving him shortly after (as it is a year later we ares till having a lot of problems because I'm the one struggling with all the changes in him and myself and the fact that my feelings have changed for him the past 3 years ) . It took him a good 7 weeks of itnsense daily therapy and meeting to finally recognize his behaviors and start dealing with them. And even in the past year things continue to constantly evolve. Had he only had outpatient treatment I don't think he would've ever gotten to this point. Substance abuse is only a small part of the issue. Most of it is underlying psych issues that people are self medicating. It can be a simple as social anxiety (my H) or mor severe psych issues. They get a through psych eval in rehab, in my H case he had been drinking for the past 40 years, starting at 13. So even though everyone is different I think that the large majority of people really need inpatient rehab but unfortunately that is not something easily available or affordable for most people. I think if you are in a position to do inpatient rehab I would strongly recommend it. My H would have never voluntarily chosen to go to rehab but in retrospect we both understand that he really really needed it. He is followed really closely due to his profession and is doing well from a sobriety standpoint (he is doing soberlink) . Our marriage really suffered the last 3 years especially but even before that at least from my standpoint. I think if he had sought treatment 3 years ago things probably would've been different as far as the damage to our relationship. Had he not done rehab last year and only done some outpatient stuff I'm fairly certain I would be gone now. It is still far from being good but things have calmed down a bit. He is ready to move forward and I'm really struggling. I have also had to change my ways (codependency) so we are both changing a lot.
H went to rehab 2 hours from home. I also wonder if it would've been better for him to be out of state. Or me at least, driving up there every Sunday to visit for a couple of hours was a chore, but that also had to do with the fact that our relationship wasn't good.
Feel free to ask more questions, happy to help if I can.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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@sleepyhollo, thank you for your post.
Trust issues - I hear you there. I’m struggling with that big time. If h isn’t in my sight I worry what he’s up to. I know I shouldn’t and I know I need my own recovery. I did buy the codependent no more book and have started reading.
Inpatient concerns us because then the kids would know something was amiss. I’m not ready for them to know.
I’m some respects I’m acting like this is his decision.... a judge could determine otherwise I think since he got a dui.
Trust issues - I hear you there. I’m struggling with that big time. If h isn’t in my sight I worry what he’s up to. I know I shouldn’t and I know I need my own recovery. I did buy the codependent no more book and have started reading.
Inpatient concerns us because then the kids would know something was amiss. I’m not ready for them to know.
I’m some respects I’m acting like this is his decision.... a judge could determine otherwise I think since he got a dui.
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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Angrymarble. I forget your childrens’ ages.
I can tell you, though, that even if they are young, they know something, and probably more than you think.
We think we can shield the children, and to some degree we can, but, as the child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that even at an early age, I knew when I should avoid my father and when it was okay to be around him.
Going to inpatient rehab ahead of the dui court date could help a lot with eventual sentencing.
Have you or he spoken to his attorney about this planned course of treatment?
Good luck.
I can tell you, though, that even if they are young, they know something, and probably more than you think.
We think we can shield the children, and to some degree we can, but, as the child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that even at an early age, I knew when I should avoid my father and when it was okay to be around him.
Going to inpatient rehab ahead of the dui court date could help a lot with eventual sentencing.
Have you or he spoken to his attorney about this planned course of treatment?
Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Angrymarble. I forget your childrens’ ages.
I can tell you, though, that even if they are young, they know something, and probably more than you think.
We think we can shield the children, and to some degree we can, but, as the child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that even at an early age, I knew when I should avoid my father and when it was okay to be around him.
Going to inpatient rehab ahead of the dui court date could help a lot with eventual sentencing.
Have you or he spoken to his attorney about this planned course of treatment?
Good luck.
I can tell you, though, that even if they are young, they know something, and probably more than you think.
We think we can shield the children, and to some degree we can, but, as the child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that even at an early age, I knew when I should avoid my father and when it was okay to be around him.
Going to inpatient rehab ahead of the dui court date could help a lot with eventual sentencing.
Have you or he spoken to his attorney about this planned course of treatment?
Good luck.
We saw a lawyer on Friday and see another tomorrow for a second opinion. We will definitely be asking tomorrow.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
My AH has drug and alcohol issues (amongst other addictions). He doesn't think he has a "big" problem and he indicated that:
"to go for 75 days and be around drug addicts and miss work is not an option for me."
As far as I am concerned, to spend the rest of my life with an addict and miss the opportunity for a "normal" life and give a "normal" life to my son is also not an option for me, so I filed for divorce. This isn't about power tripping and "showing him who's boss". This is about my boundaries and what I am willing to accept and what I am not. And I am not willing to accept standing by a person that does not recognize he is destroying himself and everyone else around him with his bull***
Kids know more than we think and there is absolutely NO way my son will have the same fate as my AH. No matter how hard it is for me right now and how truly crushed I am, this is about healthy boundaries.
"to go for 75 days and be around drug addicts and miss work is not an option for me."
As far as I am concerned, to spend the rest of my life with an addict and miss the opportunity for a "normal" life and give a "normal" life to my son is also not an option for me, so I filed for divorce. This isn't about power tripping and "showing him who's boss". This is about my boundaries and what I am willing to accept and what I am not. And I am not willing to accept standing by a person that does not recognize he is destroying himself and everyone else around him with his bull***
Kids know more than we think and there is absolutely NO way my son will have the same fate as my AH. No matter how hard it is for me right now and how truly crushed I am, this is about healthy boundaries.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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If your husband had cancer, would you be hiding it from your kids?
When my dad got cancer, he didn't want to discuss it with his grandchildren. Which was a slight problem because two of them (my nieces) were living with him.
Neither one of their parents (including my sister, my qualifier) had discussed my dad's cancer with them, so what ended up happening is that one of my nieces assumed the worst. I found out she was crying herself to sleep at night. It became very clear that my parents, nor their own parents, left them in the dark.
So three weeks after his diagnosis, I met up with them and discussed his case with them. I told them my dad's prognosis (which was actually quite good), and explained that a cancer diagnosis wasn't necessarily a terminal one.
Your kids may already know that their dad is an alcoholic, but even if they don't it is one million times better if they hear it from you rather than somebody else. Their minds may immediately jump to the worst case scenario, and without your reassurance and example you are basically letting them fend for themselves.
Of course you want to shield them from the problems of the world - they're kids! But not at the risk of gaslighting them. Don't let the alcohol talk for your husband.
PS. My dad is in remission.
When my dad got cancer, he didn't want to discuss it with his grandchildren. Which was a slight problem because two of them (my nieces) were living with him.
Neither one of their parents (including my sister, my qualifier) had discussed my dad's cancer with them, so what ended up happening is that one of my nieces assumed the worst. I found out she was crying herself to sleep at night. It became very clear that my parents, nor their own parents, left them in the dark.
So three weeks after his diagnosis, I met up with them and discussed his case with them. I told them my dad's prognosis (which was actually quite good), and explained that a cancer diagnosis wasn't necessarily a terminal one.
Your kids may already know that their dad is an alcoholic, but even if they don't it is one million times better if they hear it from you rather than somebody else. Their minds may immediately jump to the worst case scenario, and without your reassurance and example you are basically letting them fend for themselves.
Of course you want to shield them from the problems of the world - they're kids! But not at the risk of gaslighting them. Don't let the alcohol talk for your husband.
PS. My dad is in remission.
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If you "shield" them now, let him do the "easier" less intensive option
what happens if that doesn't work? For someone in a bad downward
cycle, trying to manage to keep afloat at work, deal with family, and
still work on recovery is a pretty difficult task.
No treatment will work if the person is 100 percent wanting it
and willing to do anything it takes to get sober.
Has his sudden change of heart come from within or from you laying
down the law?
The inpatient option from a quality, well-reviewed place will give him the best
chance of lasting recovery and tools to keep his recovery growing.
what happens if that doesn't work? For someone in a bad downward
cycle, trying to manage to keep afloat at work, deal with family, and
still work on recovery is a pretty difficult task.
No treatment will work if the person is 100 percent wanting it
and willing to do anything it takes to get sober.
Has his sudden change of heart come from within or from you laying
down the law?
The inpatient option from a quality, well-reviewed place will give him the best
chance of lasting recovery and tools to keep his recovery growing.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Angrymarble
A friend thinks he needs inpatient and suggested I post to get anecdotes bc my h wants out patient.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
For someone in a bad downward
cycle, trying to manage to keep afloat at work, deal with family, and
still work on recovery is a pretty difficult task.
cycle, trying to manage to keep afloat at work, deal with family, and
still work on recovery is a pretty difficult task.
Addicts use drugs/alcohol etc to cope with life such as: challenges at work, mundane day to day marriage stuff, kids, and so on... they simply have no coping tools besides the drugs/alcohol and it's very challenging to simply quit cold turkey or "try" things once you take these coping mechanisms away from them.
It's not just about quitting the drug, it's about having the right support system and behavioural skills to face reality. It's a complete lifestyle change. Imagine someone being overweight and looking to lose weight. It isn't only about exercise and eating right, it's about understanding the triggers that causes them to overeat, understanding their emotional blueprint, eliminating anything and anyone that may trigger them to bing eat and so on, making new friends, including a more active lifestyle, possibly changing jobs, friends, etc...
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
If you "shield" them now, let him do the "easier" less intensive option
what happens if that doesn't work? For someone in a bad downward
cycle, trying to manage to keep afloat at work, deal with family, and
still work on recovery is a pretty difficult task.
No treatment will work if the person is 100 percent wanting it
and willing to do anything it takes to get sober.
Has his sudden change of heart come from within or from you laying
down the law?
The inpatient option from a quality, well-reviewed place will give him the best
chance of lasting recovery and tools to keep his recovery growing.
what happens if that doesn't work? For someone in a bad downward
cycle, trying to manage to keep afloat at work, deal with family, and
still work on recovery is a pretty difficult task.
No treatment will work if the person is 100 percent wanting it
and willing to do anything it takes to get sober.
Has his sudden change of heart come from within or from you laying
down the law?
The inpatient option from a quality, well-reviewed place will give him the best
chance of lasting recovery and tools to keep his recovery growing.
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