RP4595

Long story short I started drinking at 16. and binge drank heavility through HS and College. In my 20's I had a massive panic attack hungover that sent me to the hospital and so scared me that I did not touch a drop for over 5 years.

Moved to a new state in 2004, 3 months after moving into a community where no one talked to each other a neighbor showed up to welcome us with a 6 pack of Heineken (which I hate). I did not want to be antisocial so i had 3 of them and was on cloud 9. That started a 10 year cycle of a consistent pattern of drinking 2-3 days a week 8-10 coors lights / session (never really drink anything else). During this time my personal and professional life continue to thrive. I climbed the corporate ladder, got married, had kids and was running a $600 million dollar company at 36 year old. Never really saw anything wring with my drinking as all the people i chose to socialize with were doing the same thing

I went through a mini midlife crisis 3.5 years ago and will spare you the details but it resulted in me leaving my corporate job and buying my own business. This gave me a LOT more freedom and free time and i seem to have filled a lot of it with drinking. I still run 6 days a week and go to the gym to lift weights 4-5 days a week so on the outside everything looks fine. Business and finances are great and the family is fine. The problem is i have been escalating my drinking and have gotten up to drinking ~5 days a weel and 12-15 light beers a session. All my bloodwork is fine, etc but this can't be healthy.

I keep saying i am going to stop again but i get so bored i end up only lasting 3-7 days at a time. I dont get withdrawl or anything and as of now there has not been a big reason to stop the party. I imagine i am destroying my body though and on Christmas eve I told myself i really HAVE to cut down. I'd actually like to stop but i at least want to get back to just weekend indulgences.

I dont know what else to say, i am on day 2 of this and Christmas was fine without it (It's been MANY years since a dry Christmas. I don't drink it front of my kids but i feel i'm living a lie.

Anyone else been here.... I'm confused and really just need a change. For all of the exercise i do I figure if i cut out the 6-8k calories a week i am drinking i should probably get in uber shape and my organs will thank me for it to.

I need some outside motivation. Guess thats why i'm here as i can't seem to ge tthere on my own which is hard for my personality to accept. I've gone to a few AA meetings, they do nothing but depress me. I find it depressing and a lot of victim centric which is fine if it works but that doesnt work for me. Not sure where to go................

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Functional isn't a type of alcoholic. It's a stage of alcoholism. Which is progressive. You have every right to be worried.

BixBees505

You have found a great, supportive, and diverse community here, RP4595. I think you will get responses that resonate for you. Also, read all over the site. You’ll find people and stories you really relate to.

Quitting before you start losing things in life is the way to go. Stopping is often particularly easy at this stage...staying stopped can likewise be particularly hard. You need to really believe that consequences are coming unless you take action. Your drinking pattern is plenty serious to take you down.

You may also realize (after stopping awhile) that even the parts of your life you believe are “fine”, were actually paying some price.

Welcome and I hope you stay and keep posting.

JK130

Welcome to you! We are happy to understand, support and encourage from "the outside". I think you already have your best motivators tho - your children. They deserve a mom and dad who are sober. You are their role model, and pretty sure alcohol is not what you want to show them. You are so on the right track, and will find many here who no longer drink alcohol.

Tang

I think you already know the answer. You sound like me (minus running the career success). I ran 2 half marathons in 2017. A lot of training for both. Somehow I kept drinking through the training. I'm pretty certain I was damaging my body by stressing it via putting poison in my body. My goal is to remain clean and run more races in 2018.

Magpie82

Hi RP,

I think you’ve done the right thing by seeking out SR. I’m only on day 9, so I don’t have a lot of wisdom to share about recovery. But I know one thing- when we post here we know we need to change. We’ve tried on our own and it isn’t working.

I too have done pretty well career-wise/ financially. I just got married and bought more property. Things have happened this past year I should be very happy about. Problem is, at 35 yo I’m beginning to feel like im right on the edge of losing everything. I wake up feeling worthless after yet another night of drinking, put on my “highly functioning” act and give it my darndest every single ******* day. Only to come home knowing relief comes in a couple bottles of wine or a 12 pack of beer. And the cycle continues. How much longer can we do that?? And what’s the point really? If we quit now, will we look back in 10 years with regret? Thinking how much better life would have been if we’d drank those 10 years? I’ve realized I can’t drink even one again without ending up at square one. Anyway, I feel much better at day 9. Hope it gets even better from here.

This site has been extremely helpful to me and others, and it can help you too. People here understand. Reading posts and posting somehow helps me keep my resolve, so far. Look for the “it gets better” string- it’s been a good one for me to read especially if I feel like I’m missing out on a good time. I wish you well!

FreeOwl

I'm frequently astounded at what I used to consider 'High Functioning'.

I'd even joke about it with colleagues and friends.... laughing as though we were only kidding..... but really, on reflection deadly serious and it was a bizarre form of denial.

I've been through a lot of the same things you describe. In sobriety, I've discovered what 'functioning' really is - and how incredibly dysfunctional my life was for decades. As you say, it was hard to see it that way because my way of living was so seemingly "normal" in that is was shared by many around me. The corporate world of thirty-something go-getters is a poor point of comparison where true abundance of this joyous life is concerned.

I too felt depressed and like I didn't fit in when I first went to AA. After things got a lot worse, I later came to find AA a tremendous sobriety resource and a place of honesty and community and support that was instrumental in my sober journey. I look forward to going later this week to celebrate my 4 year sobriety birthday.

I hope you'll join us and learn what it truly means to function highly. Sobriety is a path you'll not be sorry for if you take the committed journey.

RP4595

Reading this is highly helpful. I'd like to share more but i'd like to hear more first as it helps me flesh out my thoughts. Thanks so much. This has to be killing my body from the inside out. I have to fine a way forward

RP4595

I'm frustrated because i have no reason to be bored. I have lots of hobbies and interest, coach the kids teams, involved in the community and literally am on the go from 5am to 8pm damn near daily. Yet i'm still bored and enjoy the feeling of being buzzed. NOT GOOD

FreeOwl

what I discovered is that the feeling of "boredom" wasn't really boredom so much as un-ease. Un-ease with myself, with my life, with all of it..... a searching, seeking, an escaping, an anesthetizing.

But in sobriety, after a good year of work at it, I began to float out from that haze and into a clearer life.

I still sometimes see the seeking.... feel the un-ease.... but now I'm able to be with it, look at it, take steps to explore and grow it in healthy and positive ways.

Alcohol is nothing but in the way of life my friend.... I promise you that. You'll have SO much more fullness, richness, happiness in sobriety.....

Berrybean

Maybe try some different meetings if what you heard was victim mentality and problem dwelling - that really and truly is not what the program is about. However there will always be the odd unhealthy meeting here and there where people tend not to want to work the program. The premise of AA is more about being accountable and working on acceptance than being a victim. If you're willing to try some different meetings before writing them off altogether then I'd suggest trying some Step study or Big Book study meetings as they tend to be more solution and program focussed than some of the more general share meetings can be. That's not to say that al,general share meetings are bad - there are some fab ones. But meetings are like bars, some are fantastic and others not so much, and none of us have up on bars altogether because one or two were rubbish. We just made a point of doing our research.

BB

Hawkeye13

Yes, I was functional for decades until I very nearly wasn't.

It sounds like you know you need to quit.
Are you really really to do that? You need to be all in for it to work.

I can tell you that some long-term sobriety may shift your perspective
in a very good way if you give it a chance.

Hawkeye13

All of this is pretty "external" stuff you do for / with others.

When we take time to look inwards, the discomfort and hopefully
healing really start.

Do you think you need to get at the source of issues that led to the drinking in the first place?

It isn't just "to get a buzz" as much as we'd all like to say that's
the only reason we drink

Gabe1980

Yeah, it sounds like you are drinking alot IMO. I'm early days too but mostly sober for over four months. What I can share with you is the difference in the quality of almost everything. Its hard, dont get me wrong. Change is bloody hard but sleep, food, rest, reading, converstion, enjoyment of your family and your home all get better. I love the clarity of thought and the possibilty of new things.

Boredom only lasts so long because as your thinking changes you find new things to stimulate you. It really is worth it. Read all you can. Books set my head straight and folks on here taught me more. I hope you choose to keep going forward and happy holidays! Gabe x

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum RP!!

Mizzuno

I think that most of the comments and support you will receive from SR are going to be about abstinence. At this point, it seems like your drinking (from what you write) is at unhealthy levels all around. Everything is fine until it is not, ya know?

tomsteve

i second this. the message at meetings,from people that have worked the steps, should incude responsibility and accountability for our actions and recovery.
however, there can be a lot of blame from newcomers.

RP4595

I dont want to lie to myself or anyone else here. I have fully accepted that my current level of drinking cannot continue. Ideally it should be zero and i've been there before for 5 years in my 20's. I'd like to get back to just having a few after work on fridays but we all know thats not realistic so I am at least fully committed to an extended period of abstinance so i can clearly re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol, allow my body to heal. Not have this insanely high tolerance and hopefully through that determine that booze just isnt for me period and i think there is a very good chance of that happening. I just havent been able to get more than a week under my beslt which is why i came here.

I believe what dominates our thought life will dominate our life. I'm hoping thinking a lot more about being sober vs thinking about getting out of the gym after work and meeting out for drinks all day will lead to change.

I really appreciate the thoughts here. More than you know. Any other insight is GREATLY appreciated. THANKS

Berrybean

Hmmm - worth a shot perhaps, but y'know, if it was that easy so many folk wouldn't have needed this place and AA and SMART and the like, and rehabs wouldn't be all over the world in every county. Just pitching our mind (against drinking) against our mind (for drinking) leads to an exhausting and never-ending inner wrestle. Often referred to a white-knuckling. Kind of just-hanging-on-in- there. If our addiction and addictive thinking just fizzled out after we'd done that for so-long then that would maybe work. But it doesn't. I, like many people, needed to learn different ways to deal with life on life's terms, and accept myself and my past and others. To change my perspective if you like ( because mine really was faulty and alcoholic, despute what I originally thought). That was a big surprise to me. I really had hoped and expected that if I could just get a decent amount of sober time then things would get better, after all, there wasn't anything wrong with me that the world changing a bit wouldn't sort out. Thing is, I got some sober time but the world wasn't playing ball and it drove me insane. In the end i got desperate enough to work on my recovery and things got better, but I do wish I'd not put myself through the ringer by resisting doing that for so long.

Anyway. You might find it worthwhile to read some of the threads about making a recovery plan. There are some very useful links in this one... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

Whatever path you decide on, I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.

BB

wildflower70

All I can say is that I was also a functioning alcoholic, until I wasn't. And it was only a small step away, from functioning to loosing everything. Jobs, kids, intimate relations, all gone. But, I was certainly a proud functioning alcoholic, until I wasn't.