Ending a fling with an alcoholic and drug abuser - how do I go about it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Ending a fling with an alcoholic and drug abuser - how do I go about it?
I have been seeing a guy I work with. He is a bartender at the restaurant I work at (stupid to get involved with a colleague, I know). We also attend the same college. What we have is nothing serious. A casual fling. However, recently, and especially during these sober holidays (where I have distanced myself from him) he has been expressing feelings that are greater than the casual fling we have. I haven't reciprocated.
Not only because I unfortunately do not feel the same, but this man has showed no willingness to change. He is an alcoholic and occasionally takes coke (I stay away from coke - a friend of mine overdosed on it when we were in secondary school and she has permanent brain damage - wine and weed for me).
I am going back to school and work in January. That is when I will tell him it is over. He has shown no willingness to change and merely thinks abusing drugs and alcohol is a phase. Sad thing is that he is such a great guy with so potential but he is blinded by his love for the high. Before, I had no problem with it since I had no problem with my alcoholism. But no more.
I would like some advice on how to end it. Any of you been in similar situations? My preference is that I tell him the entire truth and don't hold nothing back. Tell him we cannot see each other anymore because of my sobriety. But I do fear hurting him. Plus we still have to work together and be amicable.
Would appreciate advice. You guys have been so helpful on my 6 days sober. Could not have done it without you.
Not only because I unfortunately do not feel the same, but this man has showed no willingness to change. He is an alcoholic and occasionally takes coke (I stay away from coke - a friend of mine overdosed on it when we were in secondary school and she has permanent brain damage - wine and weed for me).
I am going back to school and work in January. That is when I will tell him it is over. He has shown no willingness to change and merely thinks abusing drugs and alcohol is a phase. Sad thing is that he is such a great guy with so potential but he is blinded by his love for the high. Before, I had no problem with it since I had no problem with my alcoholism. But no more.
I would like some advice on how to end it. Any of you been in similar situations? My preference is that I tell him the entire truth and don't hold nothing back. Tell him we cannot see each other anymore because of my sobriety. But I do fear hurting him. Plus we still have to work together and be amicable.
Would appreciate advice. You guys have been so helpful on my 6 days sober. Could not have done it without you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Nonsensical 
What will you get from this?
What will he get from this?
What will he get from this?
And what I feel he will get from it is the honest truth he deserves and that maybe hopefully, he can see things differently. Like I have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by JustTony
The answer changes depending upon if you would be with him if he gave up drink and drugs or not?
Worth thinking about your answer seriously.
Worth thinking about your answer seriously.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think as long as you can stick to staying away from him, then the truth is always best.
But.
You previously stated that you don't want to out yourself about "alcoholism." I think alcoholism is always a self-diagnosis and that it's never appropriate to call someone else an alcoholic (unless your lives are inextricably linked.) If you do so, you're going to cause all kinds of drama.
Could you instead just say, "I'm quitting my previous party-girl stuff, and I need to kind of stay away from it for a while." Without using the word alcoholic in reference to him or to you. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire.
You're leaving in a couple months. He will probably try to hook you back in with promises, so be aware. And regardless of how you do it, it will create some uncomfortable feelings at work. I would try to minimize them by not using inflammatory language.
But.
You previously stated that you don't want to out yourself about "alcoholism." I think alcoholism is always a self-diagnosis and that it's never appropriate to call someone else an alcoholic (unless your lives are inextricably linked.) If you do so, you're going to cause all kinds of drama.
Could you instead just say, "I'm quitting my previous party-girl stuff, and I need to kind of stay away from it for a while." Without using the word alcoholic in reference to him or to you. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire.
You're leaving in a couple months. He will probably try to hook you back in with promises, so be aware. And regardless of how you do it, it will create some uncomfortable feelings at work. I would try to minimize them by not using inflammatory language.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
And what I feel he will get from it is the honest truth he deserves and that maybe hopefully, he can see things differently. Like I have.
How will it go for you at work when everyone knows about the conversation you are planning to have with him? Because they will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think as long as you can stick to staying away from him, then the truth is always best.
But.
You previously stated that you don't want to out yourself about "alcoholism." I think alcoholism is always a self-diagnosis and that it's never appropriate to call someone else an alcoholic (unless your lives are inextricably linked.) If you do so, you're going to cause all kinds of drama.
Could you instead just say, "I'm quitting my previous party-girl stuff, and I need to kind of stay away from it for a while." Without using the word alcoholic in reference to him or to you. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire.
You're leaving in a couple months. He will probably try to hook you back in with promises, so be aware. And regardless of how you do it, it will create some uncomfortable feelings at work. I would try to minimize them by not using inflammatory language.
But.
You previously stated that you don't want to out yourself about "alcoholism." I think alcoholism is always a self-diagnosis and that it's never appropriate to call someone else an alcoholic (unless your lives are inextricably linked.) If you do so, you're going to cause all kinds of drama.
Could you instead just say, "I'm quitting my previous party-girl stuff, and I need to kind of stay away from it for a while." Without using the word alcoholic in reference to him or to you. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire.
You're leaving in a couple months. He will probably try to hook you back in with promises, so be aware. And regardless of how you do it, it will create some uncomfortable feelings at work. I would try to minimize them by not using inflammatory language.
Yes alcoholic is a inflammatory word. And people who are boozers tend to get very defensive and angry and upset when labelled with it. I know have in the past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
You might want to read in the friends and family section how trying to save someone from themselves normally goes.
How will it go for you at work when everyone knows about the conversation you are planning to have with him? Because they will.
How will it go for you at work when everyone knows about the conversation you are planning to have with him? Because they will.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
My point is that when you tell him you won't see him because he has a problem with drugs and alcohol you can expect his reaction to include a farewell to discretion. ESPECIALLY if it's true!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
My point is that when you tell him you won't see him because he has a problem with drugs and alcohol you can expect his reaction to include a farewell to discretion. ESPECIALLY if it's true!
If people at work find out, well I will live with it. We will be far from the only ones fraternising in that place. Plus I leave in 6 months and if I have slog it out, I will. I just feel I owe him the truth on this.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
So I should lie to him?
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it. I'm just trying to help you see what they might be.
Good Luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
[QUOTE=Nonsensical;6722661]You said it was a casual fling. Therefore your sobriety is none of his business. His sobriety is none of your business. Not telling someone something that is none of their business is not a lie.
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it. I'm just trying to help you see what they might be.
Interesting lternative view, I must admit. Did not think of it like that.
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it. I'm just trying to help you see what they might be.
Interesting lternative view, I must admit. Did not think of it like that.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
So I should lie to him?
I'd tell him (in my case it'd be a her) the truth. Be straightforward but use your words carefully so you don't offend him. That's pretty much all you can. If he gets mad he gets mad. Oh well that is his problem.
Lying to him won't solve anything at least if you tell him the truth you can both hopefully work on finding a solution to the problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by DangerZone
No easy answer to this I'm afraid.
I'd tell him (in my case it'd be a her) the truth. Be straightforward but use your words carefully so you don't offend him. That's pretty much all you can. If he gets mad he gets mad. Oh well that is his problem.
Lying to him won't solve anything at least if you tell him the truth you can both hopefully work on finding a solution to the problem.
I'd tell him (in my case it'd be a her) the truth. Be straightforward but use your words carefully so you don't offend him. That's pretty much all you can. If he gets mad he gets mad. Oh well that is his problem.
Lying to him won't solve anything at least if you tell him the truth you can both hopefully work on finding a solution to the problem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Exactly what Nonsensical said.
People at work know you're a partier and they're going to notice - him included.
Do your thing, stay away from. Say as little as possible. Just laugh it off when they try to get you to imbibe.
"Ha, no thanks, I need a break!!"
It was a fling. At work. Lesson learned. Don't make it into some big huge event. That's part of what alcoholics do - always looking for attention and having to spill every single thing and make it all about us. A lot of it is manipulative, when trying to get others to act a certain way.
Dignity and discretion are the way to go on this one...if you want to be able to work there in peace - or in some peace.
People at work know you're a partier and they're going to notice - him included.
Do your thing, stay away from. Say as little as possible. Just laugh it off when they try to get you to imbibe.
"Ha, no thanks, I need a break!!"
It was a fling. At work. Lesson learned. Don't make it into some big huge event. That's part of what alcoholics do - always looking for attention and having to spill every single thing and make it all about us. A lot of it is manipulative, when trying to get others to act a certain way.
Dignity and discretion are the way to go on this one...if you want to be able to work there in peace - or in some peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Exactly what Nonsensical said.
People at work know you're a partier and they're going to notice - him included.
Do your thing, stay away from. Say as little as possible. Just laugh it off when they try to get you to imbibe.
"Ha, no thanks, I need a break!!"
People at work know you're a partier and they're going to notice - him included.
Do your thing, stay away from. Say as little as possible. Just laugh it off when they try to get you to imbibe.
"Ha, no thanks, I need a break!!"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I was a little strong in trying to "covert" my drinking friends when I first
really saw how great sobriety was working in my life.
That's a common thing, I hear. . . but you know, it doesn't work.
People actually get defensive and angry more often than you'd think.
They perceive you as judging them, acting superior, even though that
isn't at all what you mean.
Sometimes, this leads to them under-mining your recovery by trying to tempt you,
or trash-talking you to other people so they feel better about their own party life.
Given that he already will be hurt that you don't return his "romantic" feelings,
I'd stay clear of saying too much like bim says.
My line might be something like: I'm going to really focus on school this last
term as I was being way too casual before, and to that I am planning on
no partying and not dating anyone seriously.
The road to your professional future is being paved right now.
That's a legitimate reason to focus on what will count in the long-term.
This guy, this job are blips on your radar, but you must endure them
for six more months. Best to do it as hassle-free as you can
really saw how great sobriety was working in my life.
That's a common thing, I hear. . . but you know, it doesn't work.
People actually get defensive and angry more often than you'd think.
They perceive you as judging them, acting superior, even though that
isn't at all what you mean.
Sometimes, this leads to them under-mining your recovery by trying to tempt you,
or trash-talking you to other people so they feel better about their own party life.
Given that he already will be hurt that you don't return his "romantic" feelings,
I'd stay clear of saying too much like bim says.
My line might be something like: I'm going to really focus on school this last
term as I was being way too casual before, and to that I am planning on
no partying and not dating anyone seriously.
The road to your professional future is being paved right now.
That's a legitimate reason to focus on what will count in the long-term.
This guy, this job are blips on your radar, but you must endure them
for six more months. Best to do it as hassle-free as you can
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
This is pretty much what I was thinking ..
It is tough ending any type of relationship...
Especially if you will be seeing that person at work.
But I agree... No need to get to deep in the reason. If you aren't "feeling" it for him then you are being honest.
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it.
It is tough ending any type of relationship...
Especially if you will be seeing that person at work.
But I agree... No need to get to deep in the reason. If you aren't "feeling" it for him then you are being honest.
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by biminiblue
It was a fling. At work. Lesson learned. Don't make it into some big huge event. That's part of what alcoholics do - always looking for attention and having to spill every single thing and make it all about us. A lot of it is manipulative, when trying to get others to act a certain way.
Dignity and discretion are the way to go on this one...
Dignity and discretion are the way to go on this one...
Back to something Nons said or implied...Beware of the potential issue that he could hear your “truth” as.... “oh gosh if you just quit too, we’d be perfect together”.
Careful what you wish for. If he “sees the light” he further entangles you. (And he would know that.)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
