jbhall

My husband is "supporting" my sobriety by not drinking or smoking weed. He is not an alcoholic, doesn't drink much, but is very much a marijuana addict. so, yay, he's on the wagon, too... "for *me". Ugh, he's tightly wound, crabby, short, and generally unpleasant. He does this almost every time I try to either quit drinking or smoking cigarettes. Is he sabotaging me on purpose?! I'm sure he's genuinely thinking he's "helping", but him skulking around and yelling at the dog isn't exactly "helping" anyone! Anyway, it "feels" like sabotage. Can anyone relate? I'm just going to try to keep my distance. Send plenty of sweet messages during the day while we're both feeling ok, and avoid him like the plague in the evenings (our typical boozing/smoking time).

rmeatgt350

Sabotage how? As in, you'll give in and drink so he can smoke weed so he will stop being a jerk? I have a supportive spouse too, she isn't addicted to anything so I can't help there but if he is REALLY trying to help you, then imo, you should (during the day) speak to him about his crabiness and let him know that as much as you know it's difficult for him, and you appreciate his support, it's just leading to a cycle that clearly isn't good.

If he really wants to support you he'll at least recognise his behaviour isn't helpful and *try* to modify it.

ChloeRose63

Does the smoking trigger either of you to drink? Sobriety is a choice that everyone has to make themselves. It must be hard on you if he is not ready to make that decision and hard on him ,too. Thus, the crabbiness.
Stick with your plan to be in recovery no matter what. You have got to be strong.

SimplyFree

I’m sure he is experiencing similar cravings and withdrawals too. But in the long run if you both are able to stay chemical free, that would be great support. That being said, you certainly let him know that his crabbiness is noticed and if there is anyway he can manage better, great otherwise, maybe some supportive hugs or words to each other would be a challenge but good behavior mod. Acknowledging that you both feel poorly currently might help.

doggonecarl

I think you can get sober without a spouse's support. But it is more difficult to get sober with an enabling one.

jbhall

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if my quitting is inspiring him to try to quit, or if he just feels guilty getting high when I'm trying to be sober, but it's not very helpful when he's so agitated. It doesn't feel very supportive.

jbhall

He's not an alcoholic, so nothing really triggers him to drink. I wouldn't say smoking cigarettes triggers me, if anything alcohol triggers my smoking.
It does seem like as soon as I try to quit alcohol or smoking cigarettes (currently, simultaneously) that's when he decides he wants to quit smoking weed, and it's not really helpful to me to have him be an insufferable crab next to me.

jbhall

I completely agree. My biggest issue is when he tries to quit at the same time, well, actually, my biggest issue is that he IS an enabler, and that is probably because he tries to quit at the same time. Or, that if he isn't trying to quit, he just feels guilty getting high when I'm trying to be sober. Which, he shouldn't.

Anna

My suggestion is to focus on you and your recovery. Your husband may or may not have issues with marijuana, but for now, just stick to your plan and getting through each day/week sober.

anxiousrock

Oh man can I ever relate to this! My boyfriend always says he'll quit marijuana, but he's such a dick when he doesn't smoke. Yelling at everything - me, the pets, the TV.
Honestly, it's better if he doesn't quit so he can ACTUALLY function and be supportive.

DontRemember

Have you let him know that he doesn't have to quit smoking for you?

Dee74

I was pretty irritable when I quit both weed and then alcohol. It passes...the solution is to stick with it, not to go back to drinking, or smoking.

I know you say your husband has no problems but it sounds like a little abstinence might do him some good in the long run too?

That being said I dunno which you'd find worse - a crabby abstinent hubby or a smoking drinking one.

Like Anna says the best thing is to focus on you and your recovery for now

D