Family
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Family
I am reading posts out here regarding family and Christmas. Boy I sure can relate. I told my mom what was going on with AH and that I wasn’t sure if our marriage was going to make it, on thanksgiving... she has not once called and asked how I was doing. First time I saw her after thanksgiving was this past Saturday!
Mind you she dealt with my dad’s alcoholism for years but that was almost 30 years ago. And she’s also an alcoholic in addition to being co dependent.
I just feel SO alone this year for Christmas. Going up to my aunts Christmas Day and Christmas Eve going to dinner and church with my AH and my alcoholic father. I cannot shake the sense of duty. BUTit also is making it so I don’t have to spend the day by myself. I had lots of offers to go to other families’ of my friend but figured I would probably just bawl the whole time.
I should have booked a trip to the beach like some of you did! <sigh>
Have some of you found that when some people find out what is going on they pull away? All of my friends have been so supportive but my family is being kinda terrible to me. Which I guess I should have expected as they have never been very nice to me in the first place.
I guess it just hurts more this time of year and dealing with this situation.
Wishing you all a very happy holiday season and peace!
Mind you she dealt with my dad’s alcoholism for years but that was almost 30 years ago. And she’s also an alcoholic in addition to being co dependent.
I just feel SO alone this year for Christmas. Going up to my aunts Christmas Day and Christmas Eve going to dinner and church with my AH and my alcoholic father. I cannot shake the sense of duty. BUTit also is making it so I don’t have to spend the day by myself. I had lots of offers to go to other families’ of my friend but figured I would probably just bawl the whole time.
I should have booked a trip to the beach like some of you did! <sigh>
Have some of you found that when some people find out what is going on they pull away? All of my friends have been so supportive but my family is being kinda terrible to me. Which I guess I should have expected as they have never been very nice to me in the first place.
I guess it just hurts more this time of year and dealing with this situation.
Wishing you all a very happy holiday season and peace!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Scary Time.....Yes, I do think that Christmas holidays are especially hard...because it shows the sharp contrast---if we are not happy while the rest of the world, around us is made out to be bursting with joy!
Perhaps....just make your goal, this year, to get through it in one piece...? Just do the best that y ou can....at least, you do have family to go to that will keep you fairly busy......
About your mon's reaction....I wouldn't expect a lot there, either. You probably just planted a stick of dyn..o..mite in the middle o f her own dysfunction, surrounding alcoholism.....She is probably a swirl of emotions inside her own head, on this subject.....
For me, I found that each person reacted to my divorce in relation to what was going on inside on THEM......
I really only told those who had a real need to know...immediate family and very closest friends/neighbors.....
As a matter of fact, I only told them w hen it was already in motion......
Why?....because I was well aware that I was t he one who lived in my own skin...and, I didn't really expect others to know what that was like....
My decisions were for me and my kids...not to get approval from anyone else....
As it turned out...the people who cared for me the most were the most u nderstanding.....My parents were not alcoholics, though...and, I think that makes this more complicated, for you.....after all...you are the Adult Child of Alcoholics.....which is bound to cause you to have an extra amount of feeling responsible and guilty.....it almost always does!
Perhaps....just make your goal, this year, to get through it in one piece...? Just do the best that y ou can....at least, you do have family to go to that will keep you fairly busy......
About your mon's reaction....I wouldn't expect a lot there, either. You probably just planted a stick of dyn..o..mite in the middle o f her own dysfunction, surrounding alcoholism.....She is probably a swirl of emotions inside her own head, on this subject.....
For me, I found that each person reacted to my divorce in relation to what was going on inside on THEM......
I really only told those who had a real need to know...immediate family and very closest friends/neighbors.....
As a matter of fact, I only told them w hen it was already in motion......
Why?....because I was well aware that I was t he one who lived in my own skin...and, I didn't really expect others to know what that was like....
My decisions were for me and my kids...not to get approval from anyone else....
As it turned out...the people who cared for me the most were the most u nderstanding.....My parents were not alcoholics, though...and, I think that makes this more complicated, for you.....after all...you are the Adult Child of Alcoholics.....which is bound to cause you to have an extra amount of feeling responsible and guilty.....it almost always does!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Scary.
My mother is the child of an alcoholic, she married an alcoholic, and her alcoholic son lives with her.
She doesn’t drink, never has.
I can’t even begin to describe her denial.
Sounds like your mother is having trouble processing, and it’s probably easier for her to pull back.
Sorry.
But I’ll tell ya, while families should be the first to support us, they are often the last.
Sad but true.
Look to others beyond your family of origin.
They will probably be a lot more supportive and helpful.
My mother is the child of an alcoholic, she married an alcoholic, and her alcoholic son lives with her.
She doesn’t drink, never has.
I can’t even begin to describe her denial.
Sounds like your mother is having trouble processing, and it’s probably easier for her to pull back.
Sorry.
But I’ll tell ya, while families should be the first to support us, they are often the last.
Sad but true.
Look to others beyond your family of origin.
They will probably be a lot more supportive and helpful.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"Which I guess I should have expected as they have never been very nice to me in the first place. "
I was going on and on once to a friend about my Mother and her most recent infliction of pain and aggravation on me and my disappointment etc etc...he's an A with 12 years of recovery - he made me laugh so hard - he said "B! WHEN are you going to ACCEPT that your mother wasn't the mother you wished you had, and will not magically become the mother you wish you could have?" I don't know why it made me laugh and cry - and it was just one of those great lightbulb moments.
Once I accepted her, and went all the way through the pain of that acknowledgement of her just the way she is, in reality, I began to be able to forgive her, she stopped annoying me as much, I didn't dread having to see her or talk to her, and I didn't feel guilty if what I wanted and what she wanted just didn't jibe. And it stoped hurting when she did what she's always done, because I had accepted that that would be the reality! Her deficits weren't holding me back, I was ALLOWING my feelings about her, my reaction to her, to hold me in a stuck place of stinking thinking at times.
Accepting reality was (is!) hard for me . When you love or are raised by an alcoholic so much effort in the relationship is expended on subterfuge to keep us pretending that what is happening isn't happening. And when we step up and say "um, this is what's happening," we are often savagely attacked until we back down. This creates a lot of fear surrounding acceptance of what "is." It is a dynamic of madness.
Yet I have found time and again that looking reality straight in the face and dealing with it is the most freeing feeling in the world. And I don't need anyone, especially anyone who has shown me their true colors, to validate it or deny it - because the great thing about reality is that it "is!"
I am sorry to hear that your mother hasn't called to see if you are OK with what's happening in your marriage.
Maybe you can't fly to the beach for Christmas but maybe you can find several hours of peace doing something you love or that indulges your spirit. And keep reaching out to those good friends - the family you chose!
Peace,
B
I was going on and on once to a friend about my Mother and her most recent infliction of pain and aggravation on me and my disappointment etc etc...he's an A with 12 years of recovery - he made me laugh so hard - he said "B! WHEN are you going to ACCEPT that your mother wasn't the mother you wished you had, and will not magically become the mother you wish you could have?" I don't know why it made me laugh and cry - and it was just one of those great lightbulb moments.
Once I accepted her, and went all the way through the pain of that acknowledgement of her just the way she is, in reality, I began to be able to forgive her, she stopped annoying me as much, I didn't dread having to see her or talk to her, and I didn't feel guilty if what I wanted and what she wanted just didn't jibe. And it stoped hurting when she did what she's always done, because I had accepted that that would be the reality! Her deficits weren't holding me back, I was ALLOWING my feelings about her, my reaction to her, to hold me in a stuck place of stinking thinking at times.
Accepting reality was (is!) hard for me . When you love or are raised by an alcoholic so much effort in the relationship is expended on subterfuge to keep us pretending that what is happening isn't happening. And when we step up and say "um, this is what's happening," we are often savagely attacked until we back down. This creates a lot of fear surrounding acceptance of what "is." It is a dynamic of madness.
Yet I have found time and again that looking reality straight in the face and dealing with it is the most freeing feeling in the world. And I don't need anyone, especially anyone who has shown me their true colors, to validate it or deny it - because the great thing about reality is that it "is!"
I am sorry to hear that your mother hasn't called to see if you are OK with what's happening in your marriage.
Maybe you can't fly to the beach for Christmas but maybe you can find several hours of peace doing something you love or that indulges your spirit. And keep reaching out to those good friends - the family you chose!
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Yes, reality is a hard thing for me but one thing about going through this with my AH is that it has made me take my rose colored glasses off. Is what it is...
That you all for the responses. I think I am going to find something to do for Christmas that is spiritual for me. Now just to figure out what that is! Lol! I have for so long thought of what I can do to make everyone else’s day that I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore, other than reading... and I did take someone’s advice on this forum to get the book “adult chldren of alcoholics” and I read the first few pages and cried, and cried and cried. What a relief! There are reasons I am the way I am - and others are like me too and have the same feelings!
Thank the heavens for this forum!
That you all for the responses. I think I am going to find something to do for Christmas that is spiritual for me. Now just to figure out what that is! Lol! I have for so long thought of what I can do to make everyone else’s day that I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore, other than reading... and I did take someone’s advice on this forum to get the book “adult chldren of alcoholics” and I read the first few pages and cried, and cried and cried. What a relief! There are reasons I am the way I am - and others are like me too and have the same feelings!
Thank the heavens for this forum!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
"I think I am going to find something to do for Christmas that is spiritual for me. Now just to figure out what that is!"
Pray.... and follow.
Pray more, listen to your gut instinct. I've found getting out of my head, listening to my gut, my heart, my body is what often leads me in really good ways... also look for signs of inspiration wherever it happens to show up.
Prayer:
Give me eyes to see,
Ears to hear and
Strength to embrace the illogical.
It's illogical for me to do what's healthiest for myself. My logic wants to please others. I'm still praying each day for these things and I continually see life in new, very good ways.
(((Hugs)))
Pray.... and follow.
Pray more, listen to your gut instinct. I've found getting out of my head, listening to my gut, my heart, my body is what often leads me in really good ways... also look for signs of inspiration wherever it happens to show up.
Prayer:
Give me eyes to see,
Ears to hear and
Strength to embrace the illogical.
It's illogical for me to do what's healthiest for myself. My logic wants to please others. I'm still praying each day for these things and I continually see life in new, very good ways.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
:-) thank you SO much dandylion! I am so glad you spoke up because now I can say “thank you, thank you, thank you” directly!
That book is, well, you know! It is doing wonders for my psyche! Thank you again, I cannot say it enough! Peace to you and yours!
That book is, well, you know! It is doing wonders for my psyche! Thank you again, I cannot say it enough! Peace to you and yours!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Holidays are hard for most people, but I think especially hard for codies, because we do get that behavior from somewhere. Often codies were made to feel like their needs didn't matter in their family relationships. I remember telling my mother something important about my health two years ago, something I was struggling with. It has become more difficult lately, and so I said that I might need to get some tests done. She really did not remember that I had told her anything at all, even though I repeatedly have to say, no I can't do this or that because of this health problem. I think I've said this at least two times a month for two years now. She usually responds by saying, "you're being overly dramatic", or "I never had that health problem so maybe you're imagining it." One day she'll stand over my grave and say, "I don't remember you telling me that you were dying."
There are so many terrible family stories out there. I think that is where we suffer most and also where we learn our best lessons.
Sometimes, limited contact is best.
There are so many terrible family stories out there. I think that is where we suffer most and also where we learn our best lessons.
Sometimes, limited contact is best.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
...others are like me too and have the same feelings!
Yes! I always loved that saying in AlAnon, "I can sit in a room full of total strangers and reminisce!"
Peace and good luck on the journey of rediscovering yourself a bit this Chriistmas!
B.
Yes! I always loved that saying in AlAnon, "I can sit in a room full of total strangers and reminisce!"
Peace and good luck on the journey of rediscovering yourself a bit this Chriistmas!
B.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
YES, OpheliaKatz! I have often thought the same about my mom saying “...but I don’t remember you ever saying you were dying...” I have spent my entire life trying to gain her approval on some level and have NEVER felt it from her. Many times I think I hate her. But forever the dutiful daughter I continue to allow her to hurt my heart. You would think I would just get it! I am starting to see things with a heck of a lot more clarity now and although painful is not nearly as painful as in the past. It is always better when I am just not around her. She talks about the past like I had this perfect childhood and I look around and wonder what kid she is talking about that she raised lol! I know that I just have to let her live her fantasy but it just hurts...I have to set some boundaries there too I fear... thanks for the responses all. Yes, I am giving myself a gift of some spiritual awakening this Christmas ! ❤️
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
When I entered recovery, I made the mistake of expecting that my mom, having dealt with my father's drug & alcohol addictions along with his arrests & legal problems for decades, would have some compassion & possibly even guidance for my struggles with all of this.
Instead she literally ignored that I had any problems at all and continued to poke at me in severely dysfunctional codie ways, almost non-stop. For YEARS.
A "normal" phone conversation with her would exhaust me & I would dissolve into tears & sobs the moment I hung up. My sister had all kinds of compassion for me, even defended me against mom's outburst at times...... until I changed the dynamic & put myself firmly in her crosshairs too..... no one handled the changes that came from me establishing & holding boundaries, they rebelled.
It was nothing short of a personal attack to both of them - even now, 6+ yrs later, they prefer to take my recovery personally. My sister even told me once that she was just "waiting for me to get over it".
It's very isolating at times & totally disconcerting when it first started. I sort of thought, this can't be? They can't be this lacking in self-awareness? I was sooooo wrong!
Instead she literally ignored that I had any problems at all and continued to poke at me in severely dysfunctional codie ways, almost non-stop. For YEARS.
A "normal" phone conversation with her would exhaust me & I would dissolve into tears & sobs the moment I hung up. My sister had all kinds of compassion for me, even defended me against mom's outburst at times...... until I changed the dynamic & put myself firmly in her crosshairs too..... no one handled the changes that came from me establishing & holding boundaries, they rebelled.
It was nothing short of a personal attack to both of them - even now, 6+ yrs later, they prefer to take my recovery personally. My sister even told me once that she was just "waiting for me to get over it".
It's very isolating at times & totally disconcerting when it first started. I sort of thought, this can't be? They can't be this lacking in self-awareness? I was sooooo wrong!
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