amy55

So, I found out today that my drama queen daughter is officially divorced. I don't know when that happened. She also only has supervised visitation with her 2 sons. No overnights, even if another person is present to supervise.

My daughter is going to a Christmas Party at my sisters house this year, and her ex is going to drop her sons off for this so that they can have a good Christmas with their mother, while knowing that we would all be there to supervise.

I bought gift cards for my grandsons from Amazon, and I had wanted to make sure that they did get the money from them so they can buy what they want. I didn't know how to do this, because I refuse to give my daughter those gift cards.

My ex son in law had reached out to some people in my family last week asking us if we would be willing to do supervised visitation for my daughter so that they don't have to do it with a court appointed supervisor. He wants the visits to be more family like for her and their sons, instead of being "cold".

I called my ex son in law today to ask him to set up 2 Amazon accounts so that he could load the gift cards onto it. I then asked him what warranted the supervised visitation. He didn't want to talk about it, but I told him, the more I know, the better I can be to help my 2 grandsons. He then told me that she had several evaluations and that they all pointed towards a Personality Disorder, most likely Borderline Personality Disorder. He told me that the court order is not set in stone, but it does require her to go to several classes, a therapist, and a psychiatrist for an official diagnosis and then follow up treatment from there. He also told me that my daughter does not have Lupus or Celiac. Most of her symptoms are actually being caused by her percocet addiction.

I tend to agree with him because he didn't really want to tell me any of this, but he also knew that I have also seen that side of her. We agreed that it would be harmful to the children if my daughter found out that we spoke, and they we both just want the best for the children.

I welcome any advice or suggestions on how to deal with this since I will be talking to her at this party. I have no spoken to her since last January.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

hopeful4

Amy,

Will there be lots of people around? I would simply be around the children, keep an eye on them, and not engage with her as much as possible. You know about BPD, you suspected this yourself about her if I remember correct? Anyone w/BPD is not going to accept that they have done anything wrong, so the likelihood of her admitting any issues won't happen I would say.

Focus on those sweet grandkids and make the most of out if. My thoughts and prayers are with you friend!

Big hugs!

amy55

There will be a lot of people around. Probably about 30 people, but she has been burning bridges with them this entire year. I was told that yesterday she posted a scathing post on facebook, which I think my mother told her that she had better delete it. I have no idea of how many saw that before she deleted it. It was blaming my entire family for not being there for her this year. She had also posted other things on facebook this year and private messages begging them for money.

I do know about Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't suspect her of BDP, I had thought Histrionic Personality Disorder. I suspect my ex of BDP. (He is not her biological father). I'm hoping that she talks mostly to her brother and sister, and that I can just enjoy the time with my grandsons but I have a feeling that she will glue herself to me, so that my cousins will talk to her.

I'm hoping for the best and preparing myself for the drama.

Thank you
amy

Ariesagain

Cordial distance, yes?

And be prepared for her inevitable meltdown. She won’t be able to resist having that kind of audience, I’m afraid. Remember that just because she says stuff doesn’t make it true nor is it deserving of a response.

At least most of the others there are now awareof the situation.

Sorry, Amy. Holidays are both a blessing and a curse.

SmallButMighty

My ex-mother in law has BPD. It's an ugly disorder. I found it just as exhausting, heartbreaking and chaotic as dealing with an alcoholic. ( Coincidentally she is also an alcoholic) I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this...I guess at the very least, it answers some questions about your daughter's behavior. There was a website that helped me called Out of The Fog, for friends and family members of people with personality disorders.

I agree, focus on the grandchildren and other family members who treat you right.

Hugs

amy55

Thanks for listening to me.

I am going to try to stay away from her as much as possible, I will be telling her that the children are there so that she can spend time with her. My son and younger daughter will be doing the supervising.

The supervising is somewhat strange. There are 3 things that she is not allowed to discuss with them.

1. The divorce and their father (parental alienation)
2. Her illnesses, she keeps telling them that she is dying
3. NJ Devils

I am a member of Out of the Fog, but haven't been there for awhile. I am also a member of BPD family. Guess I also need to start posting there more often.

It does explain a lot of why and how she has behaved towards me though.

amy

AnvilheadII

don't go in EXPECTING drama.....whatever you have heard is hearsay or 3rd hand knowledge....whether or not your adult daughter has a certain diagnosis is not the point of the gathering. or if she filed for divorce, got a divorce or hit lotto. put a shield between what may be going with her....and what IS going with you.

see your grandkids and other family. come together joyfully and with the purpose of sharing the holiday and those that you love. let that be your focus.

Sasha1972

Can you de-centre your daughter from this party, at least in your mind? She is not the be-all and end-all - are there other aspects of the party that you could concentrate on enjoying?

People with personality disorders generally want to be the centre of attention - why give her what she wants? Smile, say hello, don't let yourself be baited into heated conversation with her, and walk by. If she wants to melt down, there's nothing anyone can do to alter that.

hopeful4

Just sending you big hugs friend!

amy55

OK, so tomorrow is our family Christmas Party. I'm staying cool headed. I'm letting go, letting God.

My son called me today to tell me that this DQ daughter is bringing her boyfriend to this party. OK. I had to calm him down.

This is her visitation time with her children.

Last year she brought her fiance to this party, but OK

I'll deal with all of this because I also know I have to deal with my son, and youngest daughter to keep them calm.

If this was not my life, I don't know if I would believe it.

Just a refresher here, this DQ daughter filed an RO against me because I asked if I could have the entire birthday with one of my grandsons, since Easter was the next weekend, and her father could come the next weekend. I did this because my mother was flying in from Florida for that birthday.

Last year she wanted to plan a baby shower for my son and dtr in law. I was paying for everything. She didn't send out all the invite cards, and I was on the phone calling people, apologizing and inviting those who didn't get the invites, then she had her drama queen breakdown at this baby shower and ran out of there balling her eyes out.

She had brought her boyfriend to that baby shower, this was after filing an RO to get her H out of the house so her boyfriend could move in. This was last Oct.
She came to my sisters house for Christmas with her boyfriend with an engagement ring. That guy is gone since Oct this year, and now this new boyfriend shows up.

It's funny, the rules for supervised visitation does not say don't bring new boyfriend around, I guess the ex missed that one or didn't think that would happen that fast.

I wonder how fast she will have her children calling this new boyfriend "daddy" like they called the last one "daddy".

Surprisingly, I'm calm, and I know I can deal with this.

amy