Babescake

Not really. I justed wanted to apologize for myself in my other thread, now closed. Apparently I missed a majority of the action as I stepped away and posts got deleted/thread closed. I'm guessing that is a blessing for my mental state. I should know not to take up such sensitive issues with people that have been around it, swung around, etc. countless times. I don't know your side, just like you don't know mine. I was just trying to relate.

I don't normally post here, and I was hesitate to at first. I just wanted the perspective from the other side. Believe me, I don't condone any substance abuse or behavior. I really was just trying to remain honest and open. I'm sure my defenses got in the way, as did many of yours. Let's just wish each other the best right?

I wish the best for your situations or now lack thereof with this missing link in your life. I also hope you can pray for me to get better. I reached out. I am trying. I'm not in denial. Recognition can be a game changer. Support is much more powerful than negativity. That should cross ALL lines. Thanks.

Needabreak

Hey babecakes, why don’t you try posting in the alcoholism forum? You may find some kindred spirits there. This is the friends and family forum , and most of us really don’t have any personal experience with what you as an alcoholic are going through.

AnvilheadII

we wish ALL addicts would GET BETTER.....it's just that many of us have wasted a lot of years trying to make it ok, waiting for them to GET better. no child should be subject to addiction, live and on full display in the home. it happens far too often. many of us came from those type of homes.....and we want to try and break the pattern. make a different choice.....as we wish the addict would make. it should always be what is BEST for the CHILD. regardless of the adults involved.....

biminiblue

It came off to me (a codependent and an alcoholic, here) that you were defensive and looking for loopholes and for ways to outsmart your husband based on the painful experiences of people on this side who have gone through Hell due to alcoholics in their lives. I think they showed great restraint (until apparently near the end of the other thread.) You did push it pretty far.

Hire an attorney. Just get and stay sober - for more than a week or a couple months. Go to meetings, talk to alcoholics. Get yourself well and abide by whatever the court asks of you. Your child deserves that.

Babescake

I am getting an attorney. I appreciate the realism. Of course, because I'm on the "other side," hence my post, was me trying to rationalize. I can't outsmart my ex nor my addiction. I have an OCD type mentality, and I frequently try to rephrase questions hoping for different answers to enhance my own rationale. My rationale is logical and solid, yet I have that little voice that needs confirmation. And that is what I sought here. In the wrong way of course.

Nobody wants to feel like a failure/loser. It's not like any of this was planned. I mean, I'm college-educated, smart, kind and funny. Yet, I got addicted despite that. It just hurts because so many people still view it as a character defect, a part of your "personality" as I was told by my husband a few days ago. I hate the feeling of being looked down upon. It is seriously crushing.

So I came here because I know many have dealt with people like me. However, I didn't anticipate the lack of hope or change, thus I know I'm not welcome. I get it. I am just trying to reach out in various ways at this point. Thank you. I'm sorry if I brought up any trauma for anyone. NOT my intention. Thanks.

Babescake

One thing. My husband has a dysfunctional family, yet none are alcoholics. They are just unforgiving and mean people. Yet, I'll be dealing with THAT when this divorce goes through. So excited. Surprisingly, my family has had great marriages, yet mental illness is rampant. I'm the only alcoholic. Go me!

biminiblue

Yes, you made that point already.

Are you drinking today? That certainly will not help any underlying resentments.

Babescake

Of course not. I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it. That, in itself, is a small victory for those who have faced it. I haven't drank since even before the first post on my now closed thread. This is not a light matter. I understand and observe by that.

biminiblue

So...a couple days? That thread was started on December 15th. On 11/23/17 you posted that you drank.

Regardless, my point was that early sobriety is pretty emotional and resentments are awfully easy to come by. I know they were for me. I really wanted to crawl out of my own skin in early days.

You said previously that you've been struggling for years with this. I can see how family, especially sober in-laws, would have had enough at some point. People do expect change. They are worried about their son and their grandchild.

Stay in your own lane, stay sober. Get a sponsor. Work the program. Post on the Alcoholism side and people will be able to help.

FireSprite

Hey Babes, I hope you stick to your recovery this time because that's the REAL game-changer that'll matter.

Just a few non-judgmental thoughts for you after reading both threads:

Many of the responders to both of your threads are actually recovering addicts themselves - so the information shared wasn't one-sided from family members without any comprehension of what it's like to recover from substance abuse.

If you ~or anyone, for that matter~ are serious about understanding the realities of what our children are exposed to throughout active addiction & codependency, you'll take advantage of the ability to search out historical posts in this & every other forum on this site. You don't have to do anything more than THAT to find a wealth of examples that may or may not resonate for you depending on your ability to accept reality as it is vs as you want it to be.

I can promise you that when it comes to the kids & their wellbeing, you'll be hard-pressed to find a member on this side of the forum openly supporting your side. That in NO WAY means that we don't have empathy or compassion for your struggle or believe that every addict should be stripped of their parental rights, so be careful not to twist things to martyr your ego in that way. It DOES mean that we've seen enough to know that this:

indicates a LOT more than you're sharing in a couple of posts. While you certainly don't owe us that vulnerability, and while we aren't living in your home witnessing the progression of all of this over all of these years, we DO recognize that it's far more complicated than even you can probably see right now, so early in your own recovery. No one takes the time to document via video, etc unless there is a REAL REASON to, you know?

In fact, I sincerely doubt that any recovering addict can see themselves with any kind of real clarity so early in recovery - it's just not possible until you're further into this process Babe. Right now you're seeing everything through the filter of your own pain & defensiveness & that's pretty normal..... but not necessarily the right environment for your kiddos. I think you said it best yourself in your very first post:

This is why the resounding advice from F&F members has been: Focus on you. Mind your side of the street. Humble yourself to your recovery. Get and STAY sober. Show your family through your actions, not your words because THAT is the 100% constant thing that matters to us - what we SEE, not what we're promised.

NYCDoglvr

I'm sober 26 years and also codependent. What I hear is a lot of deflection, denial and rationalization which are hallmarks of alcoholism. Keep the focus on your own sobriety, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor and everything will eventually work out. Honestly, miracles can happen but only if you make your priority staying sober.

OpheliaKatz

Surrender to the disease and the consequences thereof, and seek recovery, trust in your higher power. I'm sorry that we can't give you answers that validate your view of the situation. I think you'll see things clearer after you have spent some time in recovery.

I do not know your situation but this is what I'm suggesting: if you have been in active addiction for years, it is possible that your husband said mean things to you because of the way your addiction affected him. I am not saying that the things he said were deserving, not at all, but he is probably angry, exasperated, exhausted, feeling betrayed... etc. No one here thinks that you are a failure or not educated. Many posters here are recovering addicts. My ex was someone who was VERY educated, in fact, he was the most intelligent person I knew. It doesn't mean he wasn't addicted and wasn't deluded -- the more he used, the worse his delusions became, it was heartbreaking to watch. Addiction happens to many, many people.

Please seek recovery. Please have faith. Your husband is going to care for your child because you can't do it right now. Please look after yourself. The forum for alcoholics is the place to go. They will be welcoming there and have better advice. Peace.

Babescake

When I'm talking about family, including myself, why can't I come here? I know it is a stomping ground and probably a trigger, but I am trying. If us alcoholics must be accountable for our actions/responses, so should family. I don't choose how my husband responds to me, etc. Just like I must bear the weight of my faults, know my triggers, etc. It irks me that people treating me like sh*t because of my behavior gets a free ride. NO, no, no. I have a right for respect and dignity too. Not just a reply of, "stay in your own lane" or "post on the alcoholic side." And yes. Still sober here, though it means nothing and I shouldn't have to argue with a forum. Support is what we all seek.

LLLisa

...and yet, here you are, attempting to start more arguments on our forum...

Being sober does NOT mean that your behavior is sober behavior. Being sober does not mean that your thinking is sober thinking.

It's fairly obvious that we are unable to support you in the way that you think is proper and you cannot demand that we do.

Hummer

It’s really good news that you have remained sober - great start.
I hope you can continue and things can improve for you all.

FireSprite

Hey babe, I notice you choose to not respond to my post above and focus on responding only to what you can engage with dramatically and defensively.

It seems that what you're doing is giving us all a great example of sobriety without recovery (so thanks for that!)- continued blameshifting, ego-feeding, poor-me behavior. YOU came back here JUST to argue.....not nice, not necessary, not recovery. If you want to talk to others that share this type of perspective, you are never going to find that in this forum like this; best of luck in your sobriety. I really DO hope you find recovery soon.

tomsteve

notice the contradiction?
My rationale is logical and solid, yet I have that little voice that needs confirmation.
plus
frequently try to rephrase questions hoping for different answers to enhance my own rationale.

what it reads like is atypical alcoholuc lookin for someone to cosign BS.

if my rationale is logical and solid, i dont question it nor run around trying to find others to sign off on it.
when myrationale is irrationale, i look for another BSer to agree with me.

just my opinion, beings how i have a wee bit of OCD myself, but the OCD has nothing to do with it.

wehav2day

Babes,
I haven’t read your other thread, only this one. Of course you want and should get support. You are getting it here. You’re getting support and hope that you’ll stay sober and find recovery.

You might not be getting the type of affirmation that you want, but you are getting support.

There are a lot of forums on Sr. While we are free to read and post on any, some speak to me or you more than others. There are many forums where we alcoholics can let our stuff out. This forum is for the folks who’s lives have been affected by alcoholics and addicts. Those of us who are alcoholics can come and read and post about our own experience with addicts and alcoholics, many of us are “double winners.” But those of us who are alcoholics should be respectful of the folks here who are not alcoholics themselves. people here have had to deal with us and it’s been very difficult for them.

It seems you are asking, as an alcoholic, for support in dealing with your non alcoholic husband. That’s kind of the reverse of what this forum is about. If you stay sober and find a program that works for you ( helps you deal with life on life’s terms), then your life will get better. I’m pretty sure that’s what everyone wants and hopes for for you.

redatlanta

When I'm talking about family, including myself, why can't I come here? I know it is a stomping ground and probably a trigger, but I am trying. If us alcoholics must be accountable for our actions/responses, so should family. I don't choose how my husband responds to me, etc. Just like I must bear the weight of my faults, know my triggers, etc. It irks me that people treating me like sh*t because of my behavior gets a free ride. NO, no, no. I have a right for respect and dignity too. Not just a reply of, "stay in your own lane" or "post on the alcoholic side." And yes. Still sober here, though it means nothing and I shouldn't have to argue with a forum. Support is what we all seek.

Support is not a given, and neither is respect. If you feel like you are arguing here - what I see as argument is not liking some of the responses that you are getting from this thread, and your first. The alcoholics forum, as has been mentioned, is going to be where you get the kind of support you seek.

Listen, no one is saying you don't have your own side to this story. I hear your points, and has been mentioned by others who have A spouses, sometimes those spouses are truly great parents when they are sober. I believe you that you are very involved with your son, and that it will be recognized. The Court system/divorce process does recognize this, and will go the distance to make a decision about what is in the best interest for your child regardless of what you or your husband view as the best interest for you child. That decision may not initially be what you view, or what he views, as the one that should be made.

The problem with serious issues in a marriage that affect children (redundant I know) is failure to address those issues until it has spun a great big, black hole web. You stated you have been drinking alcoholically for 6 years I believe. It is my experience with my own Addict, and on this forum, that addicts think the day they decide to get help, or quit their substance, all those years don't count anymore. I hear you saying "look at what I did do", and frustration as if that doesn't count. The unfairness of it all........yet - you have years under your belt of being addicted and a spouse who has had to deal with your choice to not get help or truly embrace sobriety until now. Dealing with consequence of actions........if you hadn't been an alcoholic would your husband have acted toward you(or his family) in the way they have? I am not saying its ok, its really a chicken or the egg debate.

Staying on your side of the street is the healthiest and most effective place for you to be. Letting go of what you view as unfair, or disrespectful, you cannot control your husband just as he was unable to control your drinking. If you feel you are capable of joint legal custody no one is saying you shouldn't go for that - you have the same opportunities to prove yourself worthy as your husband has to prove you not.

Focus on your sobriety is what will assure that you always have the opportunity to remain in your son's life. Let go of the past, let go of trying to make the past all fair and equal you will not be able to. Let go of your anger in feeling that its unfair. This will keep you from true recovery. We here on our side of the street have to do the same, we are here to change our behaviors too. The difference being position of either being the addict, or being the codependent, and recovering from it in a healthy, and productive manner.

Wishing you the best in your sober journey.

AnvilheadII

it's pretty typical and frustrating when an alcoholic amasses 10 or so DAYS of not drinking and expects everyone else to treat them differently. AS IF all the chaos and destruction of their drinking did NOT happen.

sorry, takes a bit more than that to regain trust - a bit longer to demonstrate that sobriety is here to stay.