Babescake

I hope you don't mind me crashing your party. I have a few questions I would hope that you on the other side of addiction (I'm the alcoholic) can help me with. I'm not denying I'm an alcoholic, but please be gentle in your answers despite your own experiences as I also suffer from mental illness (depression), and I'm in a vulnerable state right now. Because besides being an alcoholic, I'm also a human being.

I've had a problem for the last 6 years, after my DS (age 7) was born and I weaned after breastfeeding for a year. My hormones got completely out of whack and my depression (which I've had on/off severely since college-I'm 37 now) intensifed. I didn't seek help in time and then slowly got addicted to alcohol for coping. It's progressed through the years and I now drink 3-4x a week with attempts at sobriety, but nothing sticking. I do have an addiction therapist. I'm currently unemployed due to depression (seeking part-time work) and mentioned to my husband that I need additional support so I'm going to AA Saturday.

However, realizing I'm an addict and actively trying to get better are two different things. In the past 1.5 years I've gained 40 lbs and barely want to leave the house as weight is a huge issue for me and I'm now considered obese thanks to food issues on top of drinking. 25 of those lbs are in the last 6 months so my depression has increased. My depression has caused me a huge lack of motivation, which has interfered with jobs, losing weight, etc. Alcohol doesn't help either. Well, I chose to drink last night and in front of my son. I've been given too many chances as it is.

My husband has threatened divorce before, but this time it is permanent. He has evidence of my substance abuse (journal, video, emails) and frankly I'm not going to hide it. However, he wants full legal and physical custody of my son. Despite my problems, I'm a good mom. I agree he needs physical custody of my child as I'm a mess right now. However, I would like to contest the full legal custody. I feel I have a right to make decisions involving my child. I do half the work with him, and I'm a good mother when sober. I watch him by myself a lot and don't drink, even weeks at a time while husband travels.

As much as it will pain me everyday not to see him, I'm not going to contest the primary custody. For now. However, if I can get and remain sober, I for sure want joint custody. My husband mentioned supervised visitation. I'm willing to do breathalyers, soberlink, whatever, but because I watch him so much now, I think supervised is a bit excessive. No papers have been filed yet, but I anticipate next week. We must co-exist for 3 months before the divorce is finalized. What can I do, besides remaining sober, that could help my outcome? I don't want a divorce, but my husband doesn't think I can change and frankly I don't blame him. I WANT to change, but I wonder if I even can. However, I'm not going to give up trying. For me and for my son.

Since you have all dealt with alcoholic significant others, what is your advice as I proceed forward? Thank you.

hopeful4

Hello, and welcome to the F&F forum. I am sorry for what brings you here, but admire your courage.

I will say I recommend letting your husband have physical custody is very wise, however, you do have a right to have a legal say in what decisions are made for your son. While I realize you think supervised is a bit much, is there anyone you both trust who you would feel better being a supervisor? Possibly a non-alcoholic family member or friend who you both and your son could feel comfortable around until you can get yourself lined out?

You are suffering. Have you thought about an inpatient dual diagnosis facility who could help you with these issues? The only thing you can do at this point to establish trust is to exhibit clean, stable behavior. It will take time. The best thing you can do for your son or yourself is to get the help you need, no matter what that looks like, no matter how hard it may be.

I welcome you here, and I hope you keep reaching out for support.

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

I LOVE alcoholics. There are MANY good people who have this illness.

The other night I was heading to an Alanon meeting. As I was about to go into the building I met a woman about to go to her second AA meeting, but it was all men and she was intimated. It was a closed meeting (alcoholics only) so I couldn't go, but we spent time together... she talked, I listened. I talked, she listened. Just of ourselves... of struggles, of faith, of life. We had many similarities... many of the same fears and faith. There was nothing for us to do other than that. She has the AA meeting schedule on her phone. I know her first name, she knows mine... we probably won't ever see each other again, and in that there is trust and faith that all is okay.

This is how AA and Alanon work in my life, community, connections, letting go of negativity and stress. Letting life simply BE.... right where it is.

Pray... and follow.

Pray... and follow.

Life is filled with many good things. As we take it one day at a time, answers appear as we need them. As this happens, again and again, we learn to trust in that.

Mango blast

Prayer: "Help!"

Prayer: "Thank you."

Prayer:

"Please give me eyes to see,
Ears to hear and
Strength to embrace the illogical."

Alcoholism is illogical. Recovery is counter-intuitive and illogical. Life is beautiful, filled with magic and completely illogical. So again and again I say these prayers and follow my HEALTHY inner voice that is getting bigger and STRONGER than this disease of alcoholism, that effects all who are near it. My son is 10 and has been in Alakid/Alateen since he was seven.

Last night I met a 6 year old boy at an Alateen meeting that allows kids.

There are many that don't, but if it's meant to be and we keep praying, magical good things happen... like families being happier, kids being courageous and comfortable with themselves... and not needing to know how things are going to turn out, because this current day is enough to experience and be a part of.

AlwaysGrowing

Babescake

As a father who was in your husbands position I sought full custody ONLY because the kids needed a safe place/driver/(alert parent). My former wife was a great and kind mother. The drinking overruled sober driving, sober when the kids are home, sober cooking, sober xyz. It had NOTHING to do with not being a good mother. I had full intentions to share custody once she was sober for the long term. My duty is the kids safety first before another adult.

My advice would be to focus on being sober and being the best mom. The legal stuff is just that. Being sober is most important.

My 1st wife and I shared the same house during the divorce. She decided to put up a fight for custody. My duty was to the kids and I held my ground. Its SUCKED!!!!!

She later had complications from alcohol and died during the divorce. My best guess was from withdrawal. I offered to help get a place, but a few jaded friends told her to fight. Did I say my duty was the safety of the kids right...

Focus on being sober, eating well, and in the end the rest will take care of itself.

Praying for you!
AG

Babescake

I appreciate the frank advice. I think I can get better because I have to. It's either that or die and I don't want to. It could still be so much worse and I know I'm lucky in some ways. It is just hard because I never envisioned my life this way. I'm just a normal Midwestern girl with a good upbringing, high morals, college educated and family oriented that got hit with mental illness and used the wrong ways to cope. If it can happen to ME, it can happen to ANYBODY. I'm so against drugs and have never abused or even tried other substances in my life, but yet here I sit.

Mango blast

" All you can do is everything in your power to stop drinking (or anything else substance based) and to work out how to get yourself out of those depressive moments/eating problems."

I've also dealt with depression, hormone imbalances and this Family Disease of Alcoholism. The more I dug in and kept trying to do everything within my power... the more mentally and physically ill I became.

There came a point in time I was ready to connect with others and a Higher Power that was nothing like the preconceptions I held close to me. It took something far beyond me to bring healing to my mind, my life, my body. I can't explain it... but I FEEL the difference.

Babescake

What is everyone's advice on the joint legal custody though? I find it highly offensive, but his lawyer (who I already hate, but that's the job) suggested it so he doesn't have to deal with working through decisions with me. Frankly, I'm the one more involved directly in school stuff and normal day-to-day scheduling, so I feel I should have a right to make decisons too.

Yeah, it's a hassle, but I'm not a bad parent when it comes to my child's well being. I don't want him to just be able to pick up and leave the state if he decides it's best. I also want stipulations in place where neither parent/family can bash the other party in the child's presence. His parents had a very contentious divorce when he was a teen and both bad mouthed each other up until his dad's unexpected death (which tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary for, so I know he's hurting from that). And his family is a bunch of gossips, don't understand addiction, mental illness, etc. My parents have the best marriage and understand mental illness because it runs in our family. What is your advice on the joint legal issue?

I have all my faculties and I'm highly involved in my son's school/future/etc. Also, is my non-bashing request (which I'd actually want as part of the divorce decree) unreasonable? I've seen the dysfunction on his side of the family (they will all hate me automatically once this comes out and see it as a free hunting season to try and ruin me more, including my reputation. They will say I'm an unfit parent and basically say I deserve nothing. I know them and have experienced the wrath before). My alcoholism is not well-known, nor is even my depression. I'm ashamed of both and I'm VERY private about both issues. I'd like to keep it that way as that is my choice medically I would think.

Thoughts? I can handle them. Believe me, despite my vulnerable state, I'm a tough person. Battling addiction and depression, surviving through a verbally abusive marriage because of my choices/behavior (he slings it out believe me--b*tch, c*nt, dumbf*ck today because I asked if marriage was salvageable, crazy, psycho, "addict," but used derogatory, etc.), makes you tough. If I can survive the despair of depression, I'm talking suicidal thoughts, etc., then I know I'm tough. I'm no angel, but he feels he can say what he wants to me because I started it, etc., when drinking and I want to combat the hostility.

Mango blast

Pray.. and follow.

Honestly. Expect to hear answers and be open to your inner voice, your gut instinct.

Also call your local domestic violence help center. This is a great part of a strong supprt network. The sooner you start connecting with places like this and AA, the better.

Emotional and verbal abuse are every bit as traumatic as physical abuse. Abuse is easy to deny, to minimize, to normalize... it requires special support.

PuzzledHeart

I don't have an alcohol problem, but I did have a problem with fibroids. Bear with me here.

I was initially diagnosed with them in 2011. Back then it wasn't so bad, and my doctor told me to take a wait and see approach.

Unfortunately, by 2014 my doctor said that they were growing to a size that was somewhat concerning to her. She advised me to follow up in three months.

Then my mom got cancer. You can guess where this is going.

So I completely ignored it. And they grew and they grew. Meanwhile I still functioned. I even trained for a marathon. I exercised up the wazoo. And when my husband pointed out that I needed to follow up on my appointment, I said "But look! I'm perfectly fine! Behold, I am training for a marathon!" Even though by that point it was becoming obvious something was up. As my uterus grew, it took so much space that my bladder became greatly reduced. I started getting extremely fatigued, but I attributed that to my parents' health issues and marathon training. Somebody actually congratulated me on the new baby.

And still, I ignored it. I thought I was JUST FINE. The injuries? That was part of training. The fatigue? See above. My marathon time? That was because I had to go to the bathroom so many times. (Of course, I went to the bathroom five million times because of my fibroids, but I ignored that detail.) I won't go into gruesome detail about my period, but by the time things were said and done, I had a bottle of fabric cleaner in my office to take care of the monthly accidents. My husband was getting angry at me, because I was getting out of breath climbing one flight of stairs and I was still ignoring what was happening to my body. It was only when I started getting dizzy during conference calls and my co-workers started confronting me that I FINALLY scheduled my OB/GYN follow-up. When I came back, my doctor was horrified. I had surgery this May.

I'm telling you all of this because the human mind, even when it's not under the influence of drugs and alcohol, has an AMAZING capacity for denial. You may not feel the need for supervised visits, but you also want desperately for things to be OK. Just like me, your mind will jump somersaults to convince you that you don't need those visits, just like my mind convinced me that I didn't need surgery.

I played serious chicken with my health. You do not want to play chicken with your kids. Your husband doesn't want to play chicken with his kids. Get well first and do the work you need to earn their trust back. There are no guarantees, just like there were no guarantees with my surgery. But you are doing the work and you are in recovery. And just as I couldn't jump in at my job and previous life at 100% during my own recovery, you need to give yourself time to take a breather and recover too.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

hopeful4

I guess I don't understand why your husband would object to your having joint legal custody. I do believe if you have been an involved parent to date, that you have every right to continue to do so. It depends on so many factors, but if what you say is true, if it were me, I would want joint legal and let him have full physical. I also understand addiction. Have there been actions on your part that are making him want full legal? If so, then find out what, and open your eyes to them. So many with addiction problems don't realize the depths of hurt and harm they have done to their families. I don't say that to hurt you, but to simply acknowledge both sides of the coin.

Now, you may offer to put certain stipulations in place for him that if it becomes to much for you to handle or you are making life harder for your child, that it reverts to him having full legal at that time. Whatever that looks like. I would try to work out the details between yourselves as much as possible then have it drawn up and made legal.

This is simply my opinion and nothing else. I wish you all the best!

Babescake

And this is where I, and most addicts, struggle. We think of it as a willpower thing, though logically, we know that isn't the case. For instance, I was NEVER overweight, until the last year or two. I went to the gym daily through college and working full-time until 35, had a kid/lost it all etc. Then it just fell apart. Drinking, binging on food for some sort of comfort or because I said "f-it." Started self sabotage and eating fast food all the time when I didn't touch the stuff, health conscious for decades. Wow how it unwinds so fast, hence 40 lbs above what I used to be. I'm extremely short/petite so even 10 lbs is huge. I was digusted at myself before 30 lbs added on. Except, in the past, I took action and did stuff about it. Thus, I had willpower/motivation and made a change.

Now I just feel so stupidly lost. Like I can't dig out of the hole. No motivation and so ashamed at myself that my willpower isn't great enough to conquer all of this. Still trying to wrap my head around that willpower has nothing to do with it. It's my brain. Oh my lovely brain. It is hard to remember myself it is not a reflection of my character.

In my AP English class in high school we read Dante's Inferno and had to simulate our own version of hell. I took a mannequin head and divided it into all the brain coordinates and put my representation of hell in each one. Kind of foreshadowing right? It is for sure a disease of the mind and I was surely experiencing mental illness/imbalance even then. I'm extremely intelligent, can dish out great advice, yet a complete failure when following for myself.

It is so counterproductive to remember how I used to be and blame myself for not being like that now. Addiction has robbed that from me. However, I sure hope I can get it back. I wanted to do it alone, but that hasn't worked, thus I'm reaching out to AA no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

I went once 2 years ago, scared out of my mind. It was an established group and I became the center point, having to talk about why I was there and admit I'm an alcoholic. I wasn't ready at that time and the attention freaked me out and made me very uncomfortable. I never went back because it traumatized me into thinking I have to share my entire self when all I was doing was seeking support. That was a HUGE step for me and it took me back 30 steps.

Babescake

Oh, I get it. My depression, and alcoholism, has made me the queen of denial. I think my avoidance factor is harder to deal with than the alcohol. I can go several days without drinking, though that is harder now. However, I've not seen the dentist in 3 years (so unhealthy for an alcoholic) or my OB/GYN in 4 (because of the scale issue, so freaking dumb but truth), despite a history of HPV and a LEEP procedure that I had prior to my son to remove pre-cancerous tumors. I mean, I'm a very rational person, yet I avoid. I don't even recognize myself. I'm a bystander looking in and screaming to wake the F up, yet I do nothing. Believe, nobody is more frustrated or fed up with myself or behavior than me.

Mango blast

1. Find an AA group to go to.

2. Call the number for that group. It'll be listed online, or a district number will be. Start getting connections now. Talk, person to person, with another person who's in recovery.

3. Post more on the AA side now instead of here.

You're asking great questions and doing good things.

trailmix

Hi Babescake,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I'm not an addict and I haven't been in your position except where it comes to mental challenges.

You speak very negatively about yourself, I get that, I mean i've been there. When you are in "that place" in your head it seems only justified right? You are smart, you know what has to be done but you don't do it. Failure, blame, what's wrong with me?

I'll tell you what I know. What I know is that all that negative self-talk is so incredibly unproductive and counter to what you want. You probably already know this and it probably sounds quite airy-fairy. Easy for others to say THEY aren't in your head.

I get it.

But as simple and as obvious as it sounds and as hard as it might be to do, it's worth trying. You aren't a bad person! Please stop telling yourself the opposite of that. It really makes a difference.

So you gained 40 lbs, so what? You know what you have to do, start with some baby steps, you don't have to change everything overnight by eating only rabbit food and working out 4 hours a day, how about just changing a few things? You know the drill.

Please be kinder to yourself, it helps AND you deserve it.

As for the custody, what is best for the child? Not what you want or what he wants, what is best for the child right now? If that is different than what it might be a year from now, that's ok, make it so the agreement is flexible.

What does your lawyer say?

Babescake

I appreciate you being unbiased and offering viewpoints from both perspectives. It is more because of a "hassle" thing. He doesn't want to have to consult me as to where he can live, what school my child goes to. I'm not an unreasonable person at all. I mean, I hope I'm showing that by admitting my husband needs to be the primary caretaker at the moment as much as it pains me. I'm not contesting the divorce in accordance with my substance abuse, etc., because I'm not in denial over it. I know I have a problem and I know I have hurt my family and myself.

However, "hassle" or not, I'm not comfortable with decisions I think he would make. I don't trust him as a sole parent and I haven't done anything that takes away from advocating for my son's best interest beyond my alcoholism. Beyond addiction, I still have my son's best interest at heart and I'm not sure why legally I shouldn't get to be included in that? I am/going to be taking the appropriate steps to be sober.

Beyond that though, I don't understand why I shouldn't be invested in big decisions concerning his life. I am now, why should that change, especially as I'm seeking treatment? I'm not an inept individual. And I truly find it really callus. Unless I've shown some sort of opposition to his well being, then I feel I have a right to be involved. I frankly hate his lawyer for suggesting it.

Honestly, that is the hardest. I mean, physically, though it SUCKS, I understand it. I do. If the other way around, I'd do the same thing. However, my husband knows I'm a smart, capable woman who loves her son. So him saying I shouldn't have any directive over the course of his life is appalling. IMO.

biminiblue

Divorce and custody is a negotiation. Do you have a lawyer? That's going to be the way you'll be able to navigate this. It's a back-and-forth. You need your own representative with the courts, though.

Babescake

As for the custody, what is best for the child? Not what you want or what he wants, what is best for the child right now? If that is different than what it might be a year from now, that's ok, make it so the agreement is flexible.

What does your lawyer say?

No, I don't currently have a lawyer. Again, buried my head in the sand and I thought I could do it on my own. I'm seeking a collaborative, mediator, as I don't want this to be in court. We'll see though.

Hawkeye13

You need a lawyer just from what you've said here.
He wants something totally opposite to you in terms of legal custody.
You can't risk not having at least as good of advocacy on your side as he has.

Wishing you the best--

Babescake

@Hawkeye13

You're correct. I will not turn over and let my spouse take away my entire parenting capacity. However, I recognize my faults and I will continue to try and correct them. I just wanted advice about legal custody. How does that relate to alcoholism?