Where do you turn when it seems like nothing is working?
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Where do you turn when it seems like nothing is working?
Ive admitted i have a problem. Ive surrendered to the fact that i have no control over the alcohol, it has control over me... i am in iop. I am taking meds that are SUPPOSED to help with cravings. And yet i still keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Insanity. I feel stuck. I knew i was going to drink last night, yet did nothing to stop it. Told myself its different this time. How many times can i be proven wrong before i "get it"?
Have you tried AA? Like REALLY tried it? I was in the same spot as you...what I did was I went to 3 meetings a day, I was honest with people about how I was feeling, I got a sponsor, I called people and asked for help, I got a home group and a job in my home group....and things just sort of happened for me and little by slow I realized I was staying sober.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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In dog and horse training, we have a "toolbox", real and imagined. Some dogs and horses work on compulsion, some are drivier, some you have no alternative but treats, some require e-collars, some don't, some are on a prong their whole life, others graduate off.
I am looking at my recovery the same way. Sometimes the principals of AA are working, sometimes, AVRT is better, I also have an arsenal of help from other things in my life I have overcome, in dieting circles, a failure to plan is a plan to fail - this one is huge for me, I love plans. Quitting smoking, the 5 D's, delay, distract, drink water, discuss and deep breathing.
I also believe you never set-up anyone up for failure, this I believe in for everything, child rearing, marriage, dog and horse training, employee training and motivation. Now, myself. As such, I know what I will do and what I won't do, so I am able to *plan* each day around that. I create a plan for success, now mind you, I am still on a pink cloud so to speak, but whatever, it is working. I stick to my daily, weekly, monthly plan, I deal with necessary deviations where possible, for me, last night I was going to wrap presents and watch The Crown, one of my kids caught a chill in the barn, so my plan deviated to me laying in bed, warming her up at 6:30pm. Even for deviations, I have a plan, if I cannot accomplish everything on my list today, I know, for each thing, when a better time is to do it. I like the toolbox approach, I don't think there is a one size fits all for anything. I think you make as many resources available as possible and employ them as needed.
I am looking at my recovery the same way. Sometimes the principals of AA are working, sometimes, AVRT is better, I also have an arsenal of help from other things in my life I have overcome, in dieting circles, a failure to plan is a plan to fail - this one is huge for me, I love plans. Quitting smoking, the 5 D's, delay, distract, drink water, discuss and deep breathing.
I also believe you never set-up anyone up for failure, this I believe in for everything, child rearing, marriage, dog and horse training, employee training and motivation. Now, myself. As such, I know what I will do and what I won't do, so I am able to *plan* each day around that. I create a plan for success, now mind you, I am still on a pink cloud so to speak, but whatever, it is working. I stick to my daily, weekly, monthly plan, I deal with necessary deviations where possible, for me, last night I was going to wrap presents and watch The Crown, one of my kids caught a chill in the barn, so my plan deviated to me laying in bed, warming her up at 6:30pm. Even for deviations, I have a plan, if I cannot accomplish everything on my list today, I know, for each thing, when a better time is to do it. I like the toolbox approach, I don't think there is a one size fits all for anything. I think you make as many resources available as possible and employ them as needed.
Those statements are not compatible.
Been there, done that!
I finally figured out it wasn't me that was telling me it would be different this time, it was the alcoholic living in my head. My mistake was believing it after it had lied to me so many times before.
I stopped taking life advice from a known liar and my life got a lot better. I highly recommend it!
Been there, done that!
I finally figured out it wasn't me that was telling me it would be different this time, it was the alcoholic living in my head. My mistake was believing it after it had lied to me so many times before.
I stopped taking life advice from a known liar and my life got a lot better. I highly recommend it!
It's frustrating to be going through something like that. You said you knew last night that you were going to drink, but did nothing to stop it. So, maybe you could sit down and write a list of things you could do to stop it - such as, not driving to the store, calling a friend, exercising, anything you can thing of that will change your direction. Have faith that you can do this!
im wondering about this statement:
I knew i was going to drink last night, yet did nothing to stop it
makes me think you knew there is something you could have done to stop it, but you chose not to.
idk, maybe you have progressed to the stage of alcoholism where you lost the power of choice in whether or not ya drink.
either way,there IS a solution
you can read the big book of AA online to get an understanding of the program. the chapters,"more about alcoholism" and "there is a solution" would be a good place to start.
meetings are great, but meetings alone dont treat alcoholism.
as with every other recovery program, there is action.
I knew i was going to drink last night, yet did nothing to stop it
makes me think you knew there is something you could have done to stop it, but you chose not to.
idk, maybe you have progressed to the stage of alcoholism where you lost the power of choice in whether or not ya drink.
either way,there IS a solution
you can read the big book of AA online to get an understanding of the program. the chapters,"more about alcoholism" and "there is a solution" would be a good place to start.
meetings are great, but meetings alone dont treat alcoholism.
as with every other recovery program, there is action.
Where do you turn when it seems like nothing is working?
I stopped making excuses and took action. I was willing to do whatever it took not to drink. I researched programs, joined SR for support and day by day fought with every ounce of strength I could muster to stay sober.
I took control of my own destiny. Arm yourself with the tools you need to succeed.
You can do this!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
A couple of things that have helped me being in the situation you're in:
1) Make some real connections with people in whatever recovery program you're participating in (AA, SMART, whatever), and form friendships/bonds with those people so that you have a few people you feel comfortable talking with about day to day recovery, and people who you know are mutually engaged with in recovery so that they care about your recovery on a personal level and vice versa. A good sponsor can play this role and help introduce you to others or to good meetings where you can meet others. Keep in contact with these people every day in early sobriety especially.
2) Seek out a therapist/addiction counselor who is well versed in recent addiction science, ideally is in some sort of recovery themselves, and is willing to keep seeing you even if you continue relapsing, to help you see if there is stuff that can be uncovered about your life which is causing you chronic pain/anxiety (which you may not even be aware of on the surface because it feels 'normal' to you).
3) Don't give up - if something isn't working, keep trying to figure out why that is and try new things if needed.
1) Make some real connections with people in whatever recovery program you're participating in (AA, SMART, whatever), and form friendships/bonds with those people so that you have a few people you feel comfortable talking with about day to day recovery, and people who you know are mutually engaged with in recovery so that they care about your recovery on a personal level and vice versa. A good sponsor can play this role and help introduce you to others or to good meetings where you can meet others. Keep in contact with these people every day in early sobriety especially.
2) Seek out a therapist/addiction counselor who is well versed in recent addiction science, ideally is in some sort of recovery themselves, and is willing to keep seeing you even if you continue relapsing, to help you see if there is stuff that can be uncovered about your life which is causing you chronic pain/anxiety (which you may not even be aware of on the surface because it feels 'normal' to you).
3) Don't give up - if something isn't working, keep trying to figure out why that is and try new things if needed.
That's pretty much it KG. Having a support network can be very helpful, and things like IOP, rehab, counseling, AA can all be of tremendous value.
But the bottom line is that the choice to drink or not is 100% in your hands. And it is a choice - make no mistake about that. You CHOSE to drink last night instead of doing something else instead. You could have logged on here and jumped in the chat room, called some AA numbers, went for a walk, read a book, called your IOP contact number, ate a sandwich, watched a movie - the list is pretty much endless.
But make no mistake....drinking is a conscious, premeditated choice that we make. It doesn't just "happen". And I say "we" because we are all the same in this respect.
My guess is that like you say in the quoted statement above, you have not fully accepted that you are an alcoholic and that drinking is not an option. If you can do that, then you can answer your own question next time when you think about drinking - and just tell your AV that you dont' drink. And call for backup if you need it.
But the bottom line is that the choice to drink or not is 100% in your hands. And it is a choice - make no mistake about that. You CHOSE to drink last night instead of doing something else instead. You could have logged on here and jumped in the chat room, called some AA numbers, went for a walk, read a book, called your IOP contact number, ate a sandwich, watched a movie - the list is pretty much endless.
But make no mistake....drinking is a conscious, premeditated choice that we make. It doesn't just "happen". And I say "we" because we are all the same in this respect.
My guess is that like you say in the quoted statement above, you have not fully accepted that you are an alcoholic and that drinking is not an option. If you can do that, then you can answer your own question next time when you think about drinking - and just tell your AV that you dont' drink. And call for backup if you need it.
Ive admitted i have a problem. Ive surrendered to the fact that i have no control over the alcohol, it has control over me... i am in iop. I am taking meds that are SUPPOSED to help with cravings. And yet i still keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Insanity. I feel stuck. I knew i was going to drink last night, yet did nothing to stop it. Told myself its different this time. How many times can i be proven wrong before i "get it"?
I absolutely HATED the concepts of powerlessness and surrender. It took a lot of wrong turns before I accepted that I could not drink, and became willing to do anything to get sober. The reality is "anything" usually isn't all that extreme, but it must be an absolute. You have to be willing to make any adjustment to avoid the first drink. It takes time for our lives and thought processes to turn around, but until we are willing to commit to sobriety every day it is impossible to get and stay sober.
I know how hard, scary, and foreign this seems. You will have to take it on faith that the effort will be worth it. Find people who have done it, surround yourself with them and the things that feed your soul, and do what they did to get sober. Miracles do happen, one day at a time.
If I continue to do what I have done, next Friday will mark eight years for me. Nothing would make me happier than to have you join us in this journey.
Best of luck KG, please stay in touch.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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I found an AA meeting that I plan on going to tonight. I just have to make it through til 645...
thats the heart of the matter isn't it. Surrendering to powerlessness is terrifying. But so is staying the way I am. So surrender and get better, or surrender and die... it seems like the choice is obvious. No more messing around and making excuses. I am going to my first meeting tonight.
thats the heart of the matter isn't it. Surrendering to powerlessness is terrifying. But so is staying the way I am. So surrender and get better, or surrender and die... it seems like the choice is obvious. No more messing around and making excuses. I am going to my first meeting tonight.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I was lucky enough to quit cold turkey on my first try and never looked back. For me it was finally a decision of my health(which I am sure was not tip top after 30 plus years of alcohol addiction) or drinking and maybe losing my life to liver disease some day. I hate to say it but I did watch some of the alcohol addiction channels on you tube, and that scared the c(*&p out of me. I chose my health. I no it is not so easy for many, but why don't you go take a look in your mirror and say to yourself....I am worth it and I am now doing ME. Keep reminding yourself you are worth it and you deserve a better life. It will all click in...just have faith.
KG, something to remember about that- the first step :
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
the principle to that is acceptance. when i got into AA, i had admitted i was powerless over alcohol and my life was definately unmanagable- i had a few years worth of experience to show me that.
somewhere early on, though, i accepted the fact that i was powerless over alcohol- no matter how much i didnt want to drink, i couldnt not drink. accepting i was powerless over alcohol( notice its only about powerlessness over alcohol) brought a sense of ease- it was OK to be powerless because there was a solution.
idk what could be more terrifying- admitting i was powerless over alcohol or knowing what was going to happen with alcohol still in my life.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
the principle to that is acceptance. when i got into AA, i had admitted i was powerless over alcohol and my life was definately unmanagable- i had a few years worth of experience to show me that.
somewhere early on, though, i accepted the fact that i was powerless over alcohol- no matter how much i didnt want to drink, i couldnt not drink. accepting i was powerless over alcohol( notice its only about powerlessness over alcohol) brought a sense of ease- it was OK to be powerless because there was a solution.
idk what could be more terrifying- admitting i was powerless over alcohol or knowing what was going to happen with alcohol still in my life.
You don't need to think about it so much...the "powerless" piece...just go to a few meetings and shut your brain off for a bit and try to keep an open mind. It's your mind that is killing you........telling you to pick up that drink over and over and over again.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Thank you everyone for your words of support.
I do over think things.
The biggest thing that has kept me from AA (mainly) is what if someone is there that i know? But thats silly isn't it? If they are there they probably won't be judging me because i am.... what a mess ive let my life turn in to... its overwhelming to look at how far I've fallen and how far i have to go to get back where i want and need to be....
I do over think things.
The biggest thing that has kept me from AA (mainly) is what if someone is there that i know? But thats silly isn't it? If they are there they probably won't be judging me because i am.... what a mess ive let my life turn in to... its overwhelming to look at how far I've fallen and how far i have to go to get back where i want and need to be....
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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KG77: Good luck on this journey!
I'm with Bunny: you dont need to overthink this or try to figure concepts like "surrender", etc. Get to an AA Meeting, raise your hand and simply say "I'm KG and I'm an alcoholic..." That may change your life and bring you relief -- you are one among many millions; forget what society may seem to say---we know well that there is no stigma in being an alcoholic in recovery ---but, trust me, if you're worried about what "they" think about you being in AA, they think a lot worse about how you are in your drinking!! Just let go and let people help you --listen to them; ask them for help and guidance; they will offer you love forgiveness and hope. You may know when you leave the meeting that you have found where you belong, you never need to feel that bad again, and you will be OK!!
I'm with Bunny: you dont need to overthink this or try to figure concepts like "surrender", etc. Get to an AA Meeting, raise your hand and simply say "I'm KG and I'm an alcoholic..." That may change your life and bring you relief -- you are one among many millions; forget what society may seem to say---we know well that there is no stigma in being an alcoholic in recovery ---but, trust me, if you're worried about what "they" think about you being in AA, they think a lot worse about how you are in your drinking!! Just let go and let people help you --listen to them; ask them for help and guidance; they will offer you love forgiveness and hope. You may know when you leave the meeting that you have found where you belong, you never need to feel that bad again, and you will be OK!!
or
see someone ya know at the store while stockin up
or
getting handcuffed and put into the back of a car with them fancy schmancy lights on it.
ya see someone ya know at an AA meeting and theyve been sober for a while- how awesome!! more then likely they will be happy to see you there.
my first AA meeting when i was ready, the chairperson remembered me from when i was court ordered- it had been about 9 months since i was at a meeting.
when i walked through the door, he smiled at me and said,"welcome, good to see ya made it back."
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Isnt that the truth. I have a question though. I printed a list of meetings in my area, but how do i know if it is accurate? I saw some one post once that they tried to go to a meeting and there was no one there.... the website says it was last updated on Dec 7...?? I am scared that if i try to go and there is no meeting i will lose my nerve and use THAT as an excuse not to go to AA... i know there is a life ring meeting on Tuesdays where i do iop... if all else fails maybe I'll try that. Or... maybe ill try that TOO....
your words here reminded me of a few lines from the big book:
We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"
Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.
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