glenl

It will be 3 weeks on Sunday since I left my home of 5 years, my abusive alcoholic husband, and three cats. I've gone back and forth between feeling really good (insofar as it feels better to not be there and it's having a positive impact on my health) and feeling like I'm doing the right thing but still feel ******.

But now I'm in a whole new funk, because I approached my friend who I am living with and told her that I was sure I was going to be here for quite awhile and asked if she and her husband would consider letting me bring one of my cats to live with me here (they already have 3, so bringing all of them is not an option, though that makes me sad they have been well cared for since I've been gone - I've gone back every couple of days to check on them while he's at work).

I am waiting for them to get back to me after they discuss it, but I am filled with dread and sure that the answer is going to be no (they were going to talk about it last night and I haven't heard anything from either of them yet).

I know it's not sensible or healthy to mourn an outcome that hasn't happened yet but I can't stop crying. I told them "no stress, no pressure, I know this is your home and your decision" but in reality I don't know if I can stay here if I can't bring her. She was the only thing I had to hold onto for the last couple of years and the pain I am experiencing is unbelievable. I laid in bed last night for an hour crying until I finally fell asleep. I haven't cried once over AH since I've left, but the thought of losing her is unbearable. She's only 8 years old - we were supposed to have her whole life together. I was supposed to cry when she died, not when I had to leave her because my life was unacceptable.

I'm already going in late to work today because I can't pull myself together over this. He doesn't deserve to get everything we built together - our apartment, 90% of our belongings, pushing my daughter away - something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I am so angry today. And he keeps trying to pressure me over money, still. I want to just drive over there and take her but I know I can't do that unless I have somewhere to bring her.

hopeful4

If they have not answered you yet they may have just not discussed it yet. They may have further questions, or conditions. I think you should not assume the worst friend.

Big, huge hugs.

glenl

I know you're absolutely right and it does help to hear it. <3

BAW81

Glenl - I can relate. My STBXAH took our dog when he moved across the country, telling me he needed him for a few months but he would return him....it's been almost a year now and it breaks my heart that my first baby is so far away.

I hope you don't mind me asking but is it not possible for you to find your own apartment? Maybe it would make you feel better to find your own space and then you can be with your cats ?

I am not sure what circumstances are keeping you at your friends long term....

dandylion

glenl....how long do you think that it will be until you can get a place that will accept her?

glenl

I will eventually probably get my own place, but I can't come close to affording it with my part-time job right now and I'm currently expanding my music teaching but that's a slow process.

Living with them is very comfortable - we've been friends for a couple of decades and there's lots of space. I have a huge room and they still have another unused guest room so it doesn't inconvenience them terribly. They are also accustomed to having an extra person around as they have housed other friends and family in the past (the husband's best friend for a couple of years, her brother for almost a year, his mom for about a year).

They are basically family and I am not too eager to be alone, I prefer to live with others. Unless I see a significant change of income, I am likely to need a roommate regardless of where I live.

glenl

If I can't bring her where I am now, I don't know what I am going to do. There are a couple of places I might be able to rent from a friend, but I am not confident I could afford it at this point.

Basically, although I said earlier this morning that I wouldn't be able to stay here without her, I probably will have to either way. Which is why I am filled with impotent rage.

BAW81

Glenl - It is great that you have friends that are able to let you stay. I would be mindful of the "rage" you're feeling. From an outside perspective, I just want to make a gentle reminder that they are helping you. You have every right to be upset and sad that you cannot be with your cats, those feelings are valid. I hope your feelings are rage are pointed in the right direction which would be your ex and not your friends.

If they truly cannot accept your cats, I would definitely recommend looking for another place where you can be with them. It is not your friends fault. I hope I'm not overstepping by saying this to you.

Sending you hugs.

glenl

Oh I am not angry at them one bit. I absolutely meant that they aren't under any obligation. The rage is at the situation and at AH, not at them. They are the kindest-hearted people in the world and I know they love me and if the answer is no, it will be for completely reasonable reasons.

BAW81

Great to hear! Again, I hope you were offended by my comment. Again, I'm sorry for your situation. I hope the outcome is what you want it to be and if not, perhaps the universe if giving you a nudge in a different direction?

dandylion

glenl.....I have a suggestion....call the local domestic violence organizations....as they have options available that people often do not even know about. Many of them help to relocate the animals, temporarily, until a person can get themselves sorted out....They may be able to help you locate a fostering situation, for you...where you can visit the cat, also....

Also, you may know someone who is willing to "foster" your cat, for a while...and, you would also be able to see the cat.....

Turn over every stone!! It is amazing how some people will help you, if they know of your situation! I have found that to be true, myself, so many times....
I have also "fostered" animals for others, when they needed help....

One thing that I have learned, also...is that one has to overcome the resistance of asking others for help...or, making false assumptions about who will and will not be willing to help....
We all have to ask for help, at sometimes in our lives...just as we need to be willing to offer help to others....

Check out AArp...as many retired animal lovers are more than willing to help...
If you know a church...you can send out the message that you need a good Samaritan......

Those who seek, will find.....

glenl

No, not at all! In fact, if I was feeling angry with them, it would have helped me a LOT to read your post.

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

I'm finding more and more that God/Universe provides outlets for me and DS10 to let loose of a whole lot that's been bottled up inside for far too long.

Honor these feelings and let them go... and honor all others that come along. Little irritations and big ones can let out much else that has simply been waiting to be expressed.

We've had to let go of some pets along this journey and it sucks!!! I trust they've gone to homes they were meant to be in. I'm thankful for the time we had with them. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

One day at a time. It does get better.

Eauchiche

My ex had my dog put down last Spring. I had not seen her for over 2 years. he gets the rest of the animals in our divorce decree. I didn't want to fight him.

My reaction when I heard my dog had died was one of relief. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about her any longer.

There were people all over Europe who had to euthanize their animals when the Nazis invaded. They have moved on and rebuilt their lives.

It is amazing what we can get through, with God's help, then thrive later.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I know what this is like, and I can tell you that there is a good life on the other side.

glenl

Thank you for that perspective - I was able to shake it off and let go of the anger and frustration yesterday, largely thanks to everyone's helpful words here. Things are still up in the air about this, but I am going to be OK either way.

Ladybird579

I had to leave my cats with my exah for a time but he didn't look after them well and my daughter and I went round while he was passed out at 11 am and rescued them. I was living in a no pets apartment at the time and the landlady refused to let me even have one cat there and so I had to foster one out with a friend and my daughter took the rest temporarily. I found a place to live that took pets asap and now they are all living with me and I've gained a further 2 lol. My point is this is not forever. Work towards a future in which you will have them back xx

Hawkeye13

I don't know if this is possible, but since he keeps complaining about not
being able to afford the payments on stuff alone, maybe
you could get him to move and you could move back in?
You could even get a room mate if needed to offset costs?

Now that he knows you are serious about not coming back,
his attitude may be different since he's on the hook for the whole
house in terms of costs and upkeep.
Might be worth a try. . .

glenl

Oh, he can afford to pay for it all on his own, he just doesn't want to. He makes a lot more than I do since I left my former career and focused on teaching music and a part time job that makes me really happy.

I am checking on the apartment and the cats a few times a week when he's at work and he is taking care of them well, which is good. As long as he doesn't start drinking again, he will be able to manage. I just feel sad without them.

And if he starts drinking again (or I can see that the house is disheveled and their box isn't clean, etc, which would be a big tip-off) I will not hesitate to pull them out immediately and find friends to take them short term while I get into my own place. But for my own stability right now, I believe it is better for them to stay there than to go to a third place. I know there will be messes and chaos as this unfolds, but I am trying to be responsible to myself and not make a lot of rush decisions or decisions that are too reactive or emotional without taking time to think them through.

Thank you