OpheliaKatz

I've not had contact with my stbxAH for a while, except for when I had to see him in court. I'm still waiting around for him to collect his things, which my lawyer said I can't get rid of (various reasons).

But today I was talking to a friend who said she saw that he went to an event and he was enjoying himself. This is upsetting. He's been going around saying that I'm "dangerous" because I went no contact on him, that I'm telling lies about him, and that I'm really mean and I have all his stuff, basically he's gone around saying "poor me, blah, blah, blah" and people have been giving him money. (Yeah I know this because we had to go to court... so that was sort of contact by proxy with lawyers). But I've been WAITING for him to collect his stuff for over a month now. I thought that maybe he was too disorganized to do it, or too high, or too something... but there he was enjoying himself. I think he's treating my home like a free storage unit.

Initially when my friend said that she wanted to tell me something about him, I said, no no no, I don't want to know anything. But then I let her go ahead and tell me stuff. Urgh. On the other hand, I don't have to feel sorry for him, he's having a great time. He can drug as much as he likes, see whomever he likes, do whatever he likes... etc.

He's basically p*ssed all over my life, walked off happy into the sunset (or so it seems). I guess his actions are not going to catch up with him for a long, long time. Maybe never.

HardLessons

Hi Ophelia

I read a lot of what you post. I know you have been put through the wringer & then some with this guy.

Regardless of what your friend said about your Ex enjoying himself, he is an addict living an addict life style. It cant be a good life. You were with him for years & his life was a mess. Unless something has dramatically changed that I am not aware of - his life is still a mess.

I think you have made great progress from when you first started posting on SR. I also understand its all still very difficult for you. You have helped others here on SR. I have seen many people thank you for your posts.

At some point in time this will all pass for you. I wish you strength & peace.

Please take care.

OpheliaKatz

Ah... thanks both of you. What was he protesting? You know he can protest for anything. Human rights. Domestic violence (the irony). Maybe if the Dali Lama gets his flight cancelled when he's supposed to make a speech somewhere, my ex will protest that too. Israel vs Palestine or Palestine vs Israel, sure, he'll protest that too. I went to a few with him, back when we were together, because there were some issues that I cared about, and I can get worked up about what I think are injustices. However, not as worked up as him. He actually becomes quite verbally aggressive... and now I know that it's not a coincidence that when HE thinks he's been "wronged" (for example, when I tell him that I have boundaries about his drug use), he'll become physically aggressive. He's a bloody hypocrite.

HL, I guess intellectually I know he's a mess. But my immediate reaction was that he seems to be coping outwardly better than me... does that make sense. It seems to not bother him AT ALL that our relationship is over. He feels no sadness, it seems, or guilt. While here I am, struggling with feelings of sadness and guilt because I could not save him or our relationship from imploding (as if that was all in my power, which of course it was not). So I resent that he doesn't have to do the psychological work I am doing. I also resent that I'm burdened the financial fall-out of his abuse of my finances, and can't simply go off enjoying myself, while he's probably found a new "victim" to enable his lifestyle. Part of me WILL think, "that's supposed to be ME with him, living our best lives", not matter how irrational that thought is.

ARRUHHGHGHHAHH! Sorry had to scream.

Ann

Come sit by me and maybe see this from another perspective, we can share tea and cheesecake.

What he says, how he behaves, however badly, is on HIM. We know he's behaving badly, now the world knows too.

You show the world the person you are by your own words and actions, and I see a brave, honest person struggling with changes in her life. That's all okay.

Insist on No Contact, from him or through the grapevine. Gossip is never a good thing and only hurts for you to hear.

Arrange with his family? the police? his lawyer? to deliver his stuff to him and then your house will be clean of all ties. Not with him, as long as he has things at your house he will use them against you. I would ask your lawyer to arrange with his lawyer to deliver the goods through them...then wash your hands of all of this.

You deserve better and will get better the moment you believe that.

Hugs

OpheliaKatz

Ann. I am sending you a PM to ask about your advice, because I've been trying to go through his friends, my lawyer (he has no lawyer and self-represented), and police and they ALL keep sending me back and forth between them, saying, "you need to arrange this with this other person" and when I go to the other person, "they send me back to the first person," as no one can decide WHOSE jurisdiction his stuff falls in (except mine, apparently, because if I get rid of it, or give it away, he can charge me with "theft" or "destruction of property"... said my lawyer). WTF.

I'm feeling like I've gone a bit crazy and/or stupid. I went to a GP today and was going to ask to see a new shrink, and she said, you're smart, you are doing fine and don't need one. I asked a DV worker if I should see one, and they said the same thing. If I'm so d*mn smart, why did I end up for the better part of my life walking on eggshells around a drug addict and then marrying him? And then now storing his STUFF?

hopeful4

OK...so many addicts seem to be able to hide it on the outside...until they cannot. Just because he is putting on a show does not mean his has his $hit together my friend. I see this a lot with my XAH. He may look on the outside like a good upstanding citizen. Good job. Married. What I know is that he is still an addict, he and his wife fight CONSTANTLY, and that he is very very miserable. Things are not always what they appear.

Sending you huge hugs.

biminiblue

Don't compare his outsides to your insides.


Drunks gonna do what drunks do. Take a read over on my other side, the Alcoholics section. It's not pretty - and this is the sanitized version here on this site. Try watching some "Cops" shows or go to a bar and talk with that guy who is always there.

He isn't "happy." No matter what it may look like he's tortured, shameful, broken.

I don't know why "friends" have to point stuff out. I'd block that friend too...or at least tell her you don't want to hear any more helpful updates. SMH.

biminiblue

Sorry, OK...I didn't realize your ex was a substance abuser...same crap applies, unfortunately.

biminiblue

When my ex husband moved out he left all his stuff. I had a big empty room so I put it all out there. I had to walk past it to go to the garage and it was irritating as all get out.

My ex didn't get a place to live for months. He told me he was sleeping at his office. I have no idea. After a couple/four months I told him his stuff was going outside and if he wanted it to come get it.

He did.

AnvilheadII

well, how much STUFF are we talking here? grandmother's antique dining set for 12?

he's left it this long so it's not like it's mission critical TO HIM. box it or grab some hefty bags (addicts choice of luggage!) and put it in one place somewhere that isn't in your face. send him a certified letter that says he has until noon on the XX of XX to retrieve his belongings or you will assume they are unwanted and dispose of them accordingly.

you could also contact your local police and ask them what is the best and safest way to conduct this transfer.

as far as hearsay on someone else's interpretation of his "state" - eh. so he was seen in public somewhere, upright and possibly smiling. i'm not sure that is really enough to assume that HE has life by the balls, with pet unicorns and rainbows lighting his path.............

OpheliaKatz

Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Large items, family heirlooms, expensive items, etc. Police said that HE has to make the arrangements and I have to wait. I asked for how long, they shrugged. Someone floated the idea of a storage container... I'll have to investigate that.