7 years ended. Need advice
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
7 years ended. Need advice
Hi everyone. This is my first posting and I figured I could use some advice, as my first therapy appointment isn't for another week and I feel that I don't really have anyone else to talk to. My now ex-boyfriend and I had been together for 7 years and he has just ended things about 3 weeks ago after 2 days of being out of rehab. Our relationship had it's problems the past couple years, which between that and some other life factors, led him to not be able to deal and he began using coke and alcohol heavily for 10 months (eventually daily) until he went to rehab. We were able to talk daily while he was there and he was so excited about getting out and starting fresh with our relationship. The day he got out, reality hit him and he completely 180'd, ending our relationship. He has been sober for almost 2 months now and attends an intensive outpatient program, as well as AA sometimes multiple times a day (he currently isn't working so has a lot of free time). He is SO into his recovery and discovering himself. However, I feel left behind and confused. We have minimal contact, with mostly me initiating it and ending in him getting upset that I keep contacting him. He says he still loves me but does not want to be with me right now and that this is what he needs to do. He says he wants us both to be happy. Together or not. And that right now he is not happy together. And that maybe one day we can reconnect. It's very confusing and frustrating for me to understand how he can say that he loves me but be so closed off. He doesn't think it's my business to know much about his life right now, because now we are not together, which makes me feel terrible. I feel like he has been given a new life, starting new hobbies, making new friends, and I don't get to be a part of it. I'm ultimately worried that he will find someone new, especially with his new world of recovery where he is making deep connections with other addicts. I was able to speak with his mom the other day and she informed me that he is starting to work the 12 steps and now has a sponsor at AA. And that relationships are discouraged. 7 years is an extremely long time to just give up. I'm now 27. I feel like I can be okay to be apart if I knew he just needed some time and he will come back, but the unknown is killing me. I have forgiven all negative feelings towards our relationship and his drug use, which makes it hard for me to "move on". We have a dog together and I honestly thought we were going to get married in the next year or two. What am I supposed to do/think? Should I have hope? I'm proud of him for his strength and sobriety but I feel that I am making it hard for him. I know what most people will have to say after reading this, but it just helps to hear it.
Thanks so much.
Thanks so much.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for him to "maybe" want to get together again.
What if he doesn't? What if he relapses?
Early sobriety is a really volatile time.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I know that's not what
you wanted to hear--you certainly deserve more
but he just doesn't sound like is able to give it to you at this time,
or maybe ever.
What if he doesn't? What if he relapses?
Early sobriety is a really volatile time.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I know that's not what
you wanted to hear--you certainly deserve more
but he just doesn't sound like is able to give it to you at this time,
or maybe ever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m sorry for what has brought you here and the heartache you are feeling.
As hard as it may be for you to accept this relationship is over, I think that’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. There’s an expression…………….let go or be dragged. When we get dragged we hurt ourselves because of our inability to let go.
I think you need to respect his wishes that the relationship is over, that he doesn’t want contact with you and your continued attempts to hang on is only pushing him father away and making him mad. You don’t want to become the crazy stalking ex..
I think therapy will do wonders for you and help you discover things about yourself to help you make positive changes for your future. And sticking around here at SR will help you understand addiction and addict behaviors along with codependent behaviors.
As hard as it may be for you to accept this relationship is over, I think that’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. There’s an expression…………….let go or be dragged. When we get dragged we hurt ourselves because of our inability to let go.
I think you need to respect his wishes that the relationship is over, that he doesn’t want contact with you and your continued attempts to hang on is only pushing him father away and making him mad. You don’t want to become the crazy stalking ex..
I think therapy will do wonders for you and help you discover things about yourself to help you make positive changes for your future. And sticking around here at SR will help you understand addiction and addict behaviors along with codependent behaviors.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by atalose 
I’m sorry for what has brought you here and the heartache you are feeling.
As hard as it may be for you to accept this relationship is over, I think that’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. There’s an expression…………….let go or be dragged. When we get dragged we hurt ourselves because of our inability to let go.
I think you need to respect his wishes that the relationship is over, that he doesn’t want contact with you and your continued attempts to hang on is only pushing him father away and making him mad. You don’t want to become the crazy stalking ex..
I think therapy will do wonders for you and help you discover things about yourself to help you make positive changes for your future. And sticking around here at SR will help you understand addiction and addict behaviors along with codependent behaviors.
As hard as it may be for you to accept this relationship is over, I think that’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. There’s an expression…………….let go or be dragged. When we get dragged we hurt ourselves because of our inability to let go.
I think you need to respect his wishes that the relationship is over, that he doesn’t want contact with you and your continued attempts to hang on is only pushing him father away and making him mad. You don’t want to become the crazy stalking ex..
I think therapy will do wonders for you and help you discover things about yourself to help you make positive changes for your future. And sticking around here at SR will help you understand addiction and addict behaviors along with codependent behaviors.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Originally Posted by Ashley928
He says he still loves me but does not want to be with me right now and that this is what he needs to do.
Doesn't help your pain and sorrow, I know. But it is time to move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Your story sounds remarkably like mine. Ex and i broke up about a month ago, he was using coke and lied to me about his use. You have no idea how many times a day i would come to this forum and read threads hoping that it would provide relief and answers (and it did! I received some GREAT advice on here).
My ex went from telling me he loved me, didnt want to lose me, to suddenly saying he “didnt know anymore, and that he loved me but wasnt IN love with me.” In a span on 1-2 weeks. He was/is so deadset on his recovery that nothing else mattered to him. Anyone who would give him so critical but positive advice, he would ignore, anything that didnt give him positive reinforcement he would drop. That included me. We had some fights, but i was always supportive, i just held him accountable for the things he did without badgering him, but he didnt like it.
I would constantly ruminate (still do, not going to lie) and the thought of him with other women makes me nauseous.
I may be a little early in the “recovery” stage, but one thing that has made me go from ABSOLUTE pain and severe acute depression in the beginning phase of the breakup is TALKING. Talk to your friends, family, the people on this forum. Even if you repeat yourself 30 times a day, if it makes you feel a tiny bit better, do it. The more you start to talk out loud the more you hear what youre saying, and you’d be surprised at all the self realization you come across.
Also, if you feel like you want to cry, scream, be angry, do it. Dont supress your emotions. ALL emotions are meant to be felt, good or bad. Trust in the process. I know its hard to do right now, and honestly I still have trouble dealing with it, but with time (and time is key) you will go from being maybe 9% better to 10% better, and so on. Its a slow process, but take it day by day, and have faith in it.
Trust me. I’m in the same boat as you, and it’s difficult, but with the great people on this forum who are sharing their experiences, it really does help and shows that you are not alone.
Feel free to message me whenever you like and take a look at my threads. As mentioned, i’ve received great advice on this site, and it helps
Take care of yourself xo
My ex went from telling me he loved me, didnt want to lose me, to suddenly saying he “didnt know anymore, and that he loved me but wasnt IN love with me.” In a span on 1-2 weeks. He was/is so deadset on his recovery that nothing else mattered to him. Anyone who would give him so critical but positive advice, he would ignore, anything that didnt give him positive reinforcement he would drop. That included me. We had some fights, but i was always supportive, i just held him accountable for the things he did without badgering him, but he didnt like it.
I would constantly ruminate (still do, not going to lie) and the thought of him with other women makes me nauseous.
I may be a little early in the “recovery” stage, but one thing that has made me go from ABSOLUTE pain and severe acute depression in the beginning phase of the breakup is TALKING. Talk to your friends, family, the people on this forum. Even if you repeat yourself 30 times a day, if it makes you feel a tiny bit better, do it. The more you start to talk out loud the more you hear what youre saying, and you’d be surprised at all the self realization you come across.
Also, if you feel like you want to cry, scream, be angry, do it. Dont supress your emotions. ALL emotions are meant to be felt, good or bad. Trust in the process. I know its hard to do right now, and honestly I still have trouble dealing with it, but with time (and time is key) you will go from being maybe 9% better to 10% better, and so on. Its a slow process, but take it day by day, and have faith in it.
Trust me. I’m in the same boat as you, and it’s difficult, but with the great people on this forum who are sharing their experiences, it really does help and shows that you are not alone.
Feel free to message me whenever you like and take a look at my threads. As mentioned, i’ve received great advice on this site, and it helps
Take care of yourself xo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sorry you are going through this, I know it is heartbreaking. I know it does not feel like it, but it is a blessing.
I had to divorce XAH because of danger he was to our child, my health, and our finances. After putting him through multiple rehabs and financially supporting him for years, I realized I don't want to do it anymore. He did not fight the divorce one bit.
I thought he loved me. Now I realize that he can't love me, DS, or himself. No matter how much it hurts, I realize that everyone is better off with us being separate. I think of his last relapse and his stealing/cheating as a divine sign from higher power that it is time to let him go.
Read through some threads of people who are married to alcoholics and addicts. And count your blessings that you are not dealing with alcoholic in early sobriety - they are crazier than drunk ones.
He may or may not come around, he may or may not stay sober - one thing I learned around these forums that you cannot tie your happiness to what alcoholic does or does not do. Some people are able to be successfully married to addicts in recovery - I am not one of those people. I am never ever entering a relationship with anyone who has addiction problems (known problems, of course)
Take care of yourself. You deserve better
I had to divorce XAH because of danger he was to our child, my health, and our finances. After putting him through multiple rehabs and financially supporting him for years, I realized I don't want to do it anymore. He did not fight the divorce one bit.
I thought he loved me. Now I realize that he can't love me, DS, or himself. No matter how much it hurts, I realize that everyone is better off with us being separate. I think of his last relapse and his stealing/cheating as a divine sign from higher power that it is time to let him go.
Read through some threads of people who are married to alcoholics and addicts. And count your blessings that you are not dealing with alcoholic in early sobriety - they are crazier than drunk ones.
He may or may not come around, he may or may not stay sober - one thing I learned around these forums that you cannot tie your happiness to what alcoholic does or does not do. Some people are able to be successfully married to addicts in recovery - I am not one of those people. I am never ever entering a relationship with anyone who has addiction problems (known problems, of course)
Take care of yourself. You deserve better
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Ashley, merry Christmas. I hope you are not feeling too bad today. After reading your post, I will tell you a bit about my experience. I met my husband when I was 30, we were together for a long time and eventually got married. I had many chances to leave him and I should have done it, because by the time we separated, he had damaged his health through drug use and my health through stress. I had gone through so much trauma with him that I wish I had never met him, and I also feel sad that he's gone. Now that I'm older and single, my age precludes me from meeting anyone new and starting a family (unless 1. I am very lucky and 2. God makes miracles, which he doesn't usually).
27 is young. You have time to meet someone healthy. Someone who is not going to struggle with addiction for the rest of his life. If you read around on this forum, you will find that addicts usually struggle to stay sober. Sobriety is a complete lifestyle change and change of mindset. It's really not easy to be sober either, it is one of the most difficult things a person can do. I know that you want to be there for your boyfriend, but you need to respect his wishes and let him fix himself by himself. He has made it clear that he needs space. He might love you, but at the moment, the timing is not right.
I love my STBX-husband, but that doesn't mean I need to be with him or should even be in contact with him... and this is for MY own good as well as his. If I had stayed with him, his problems would have depleted my emotional and financial resources until I had nothing left for myself or anyone else, until I was a shell of a human being.
I don't know what your future might bring, but you need to trust that you will be okay. Your boyfriend has done you a big favor by encouraging your boundaries (and you should have boundaries), and it shows that he respects you enough to let you go. Please, take this opportunity to seek some counseling for yourself, maybe go to Naranon for yourself. This is a time when the addict is supposed to be working on their recovery, and while they are doing that, you should be working on your recovery (from toxic love).
27 is young. You have time to meet someone healthy. Someone who is not going to struggle with addiction for the rest of his life. If you read around on this forum, you will find that addicts usually struggle to stay sober. Sobriety is a complete lifestyle change and change of mindset. It's really not easy to be sober either, it is one of the most difficult things a person can do. I know that you want to be there for your boyfriend, but you need to respect his wishes and let him fix himself by himself. He has made it clear that he needs space. He might love you, but at the moment, the timing is not right.
I love my STBX-husband, but that doesn't mean I need to be with him or should even be in contact with him... and this is for MY own good as well as his. If I had stayed with him, his problems would have depleted my emotional and financial resources until I had nothing left for myself or anyone else, until I was a shell of a human being.
I don't know what your future might bring, but you need to trust that you will be okay. Your boyfriend has done you a big favor by encouraging your boundaries (and you should have boundaries), and it shows that he respects you enough to let you go. Please, take this opportunity to seek some counseling for yourself, maybe go to Naranon for yourself. This is a time when the addict is supposed to be working on their recovery, and while they are doing that, you should be working on your recovery (from toxic love).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Hi All,
As an update, I went to 2 al-anon meetings last week and found I was really just thinking about him the whole time and not myself, as I would not be there if it wasn't for him. I discovered coDA, which I think will benefit me more for myself and for the future. I will continue with that and with therapy. My ex was unhappy for the past 3 years of our relationship, constantly telling me and I was just so in my own world of conflict-avoidance and codependancy, it was going in one ear and out the other. It also ruined our sex life. So working on these 2 things I think will be beneficial. It took that many years of unhappiness for him to begin his using because he didn't want to lose me and didn't know what else to do, as things were obviously not working. His addictions lasted for about 10 months. He is 2 months sober yesterday. I made a nice scrapbook of our dog we have together for Christmas/2 month anniversary and met up with him to give it to him. I noticed a big hickey on his neck and about lost it. What was getting me through this the past couple weeks was hope that he just needed to figure himself out and that maybe he would come back. This really just punched me in the stomach and I am back at square one, if not even worse than square one. On top of that, it's the holidays and it's making everything even harder.
As an update, I went to 2 al-anon meetings last week and found I was really just thinking about him the whole time and not myself, as I would not be there if it wasn't for him. I discovered coDA, which I think will benefit me more for myself and for the future. I will continue with that and with therapy. My ex was unhappy for the past 3 years of our relationship, constantly telling me and I was just so in my own world of conflict-avoidance and codependancy, it was going in one ear and out the other. It also ruined our sex life. So working on these 2 things I think will be beneficial. It took that many years of unhappiness for him to begin his using because he didn't want to lose me and didn't know what else to do, as things were obviously not working. His addictions lasted for about 10 months. He is 2 months sober yesterday. I made a nice scrapbook of our dog we have together for Christmas/2 month anniversary and met up with him to give it to him. I noticed a big hickey on his neck and about lost it. What was getting me through this the past couple weeks was hope that he just needed to figure himself out and that maybe he would come back. This really just punched me in the stomach and I am back at square one, if not even worse than square one. On top of that, it's the holidays and it's making everything even harder.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 48
I am sorry for your situation but glad you are still young.
It does happen that newly sober addicts due screw around with other newly sober alcoholics so I am not surprised at that. I think that his wanting to be away from you really is an indirect way of him saying ....I am SO MESSED UP!!!get away from me! I think you are always riding the roaster coaster with an addict . I guess you need to ask yourself do you want this ongoing unpredicable ride.
It does happen that newly sober addicts due screw around with other newly sober alcoholics so I am not surprised at that. I think that his wanting to be away from you really is an indirect way of him saying ....I am SO MESSED UP!!!get away from me! I think you are always riding the roaster coaster with an addict . I guess you need to ask yourself do you want this ongoing unpredicable ride.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Let him drive his bus.. you drive yours.
Ashley,
I am in a similar situation, but am recently married to my addicted partner. She just sought treatment only 2 months after our wedding... turned out she had been doing it for over a year.
I have told her directly in recovery that when she gets out she is welcome back home, but her decision to be there is hers or mine. Through her recovery process, she may discover that she is a different person than she was before we married, and that I may not be the right person for her. Likewise it may be that I am not in love with the woman that comes out of recovery.
I do love my wife, but her sobriety and my sanity are more important than us. I will let her go if that is what she feels is best for her or best for me. You can not keep someone that does not want you and you may cause that person to relapse if you try and force it.
With all that said, my suggestion to you is to work to move on. He is not in a healthy place to be in a relationship now and will only take you down a dark road if you insist on trying. I wish you the best in your future, and it is yours to decide your fate.
T
I am in a similar situation, but am recently married to my addicted partner. She just sought treatment only 2 months after our wedding... turned out she had been doing it for over a year.
I have told her directly in recovery that when she gets out she is welcome back home, but her decision to be there is hers or mine. Through her recovery process, she may discover that she is a different person than she was before we married, and that I may not be the right person for her. Likewise it may be that I am not in love with the woman that comes out of recovery.
I do love my wife, but her sobriety and my sanity are more important than us. I will let her go if that is what she feels is best for her or best for me. You can not keep someone that does not want you and you may cause that person to relapse if you try and force it.
With all that said, my suggestion to you is to work to move on. He is not in a healthy place to be in a relationship now and will only take you down a dark road if you insist on trying. I wish you the best in your future, and it is yours to decide your fate.
T
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