JustJerry

I have everything I thought I ever wanted... but I am about to lose it all. I never thought of myself as an alcoholic but I am. I cannot have a couple drinks socially if I have one I have to have enough to make me blackout. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I am trying to make myself feel good. I don't know. But I have decided that starting today I am not going to drink. My father is an alcoholic as are several of my relatives so I don't know why I am surprised. The one person that means the most to me in the world is ready to walk away because he can't take it anymore and I don't blame him. I don't want to pretend that I don't think it is a problem anymore. I want to admit that it's a problem and fix it. The biggest thing that I am afraid of is failure. What if...what if... what if.... I know I am telling everyone here stuff they have never heard or felt before HAHAHA. I need help. I need guidance. I cannot go to AA in the little town that I live in but lucky for me, we are moving in a month back to a very large city and I can find an AA meeting to go to. Your feedback and your stories will help. I think I am going to throw-up. I have never felt like this before.

indigo

I wish you love and success on your path to being sober...it rocks you know!
indigo

Brookie

Welcome Jerry. I'm Joe - alcoholic. You'll find a ton of support here. Glad you're thinking about and looking forward to trying out AA when you move. I am incredibly grateful to AA for what it's bringing into my life. I hope you'll consider sticking up your courage and going before you move. It's so easy to slip back into denial if you wait. Also, I've found that the thing I was most afraid of - losing my anonymity - was less of a risk than I thought, and really a gift when it eventually happened. Everyone is there for the same reason, and they'll be glad to see you when you go.

Keep coming back. It gets much, much better.

Best,
Joe

JustJerry

Thank you so much Joe and Indigo for the support and so quickly too. I appreciate it and need it. I may drive to another town and go to a meeting before I move because I just can't go to the meetings here. The funny thing is that it's okay to be a drunk because everyone keeps those secrets, usually because they are doing the same thing. Just knowing that I have admitted that I have a problem and saying it outloud to myself and to my Significant Other has made me feel so much better, like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my shoulders and my heart. Now I understnad the saying "It's the first day of the rest of your life!" I did not realize I could this happy from taking the first step. Thanks again for your support. I look forward to getting to know everyone and hearing about their lives.

Jerry

Brookie

You just gave me a big lift, brother. Keep coming back.

I'm only a few months into this thing, and I remember very well how petrifying those first few meetings were. Now it's the highlight of my day. If driving to another town helps get it done, that's fantastic.

Best,
Joe

Chy

Hi Jerry and welcome!
You'll find a great deal of support from fellow alkies here. Glad you stopped by!

Phinneas

Jerry-- You're on the right track. Good for you! Please know that drinking will only make things worse. Getting sober IS the softer, easier way. You have a road ahead of you, one that I hope is filled with the blessings of recovery. Keep coming back.

jojo

Suckerpunched

You described my life exactly the way it was a few months ago! I've been a social drinker for years, my dad an alcoholic, never dreamed it would happen to me, but, it did! Sigh!!!!!!! I realized for a couple of years (secretly) that I had a problem with controling my alcohol consumption! I would sneak off and down a few more beers than everyone else while no one was looking, or, better yet, crack a bottle of wine and sneak a few glasses inbetween beers to really get the buzz going, always led to blackouts, don't know why I wasn't satisfied until I blacked out too, but, I wasn't!! Long story short, eventually my husband caught on. The hangovers and blackouts were awful, the guilt, remorse, trying to remember what happened the night before, etc.. We have a 2 year old, I was able to rationalize my drinking because I only drank after the baby was in bed, etc.... I found this site in April when things started getting really bad in my "perfect" life. I stay home with our 2 year old, my H is an Engineer, we really don't "want" for anything, etc..... But, my H was ready to give up on me, I was about to lose it all because I couldn't control my consumption! From April to July I vowed to stop drinking, stopping for a day or two, fail, start over, fail, etc.... Just didn't want to give up the "fun"! On July 3, my entire family was over for the holiday, you guessed it, I snuck drinks, a few too many! H began noticing my drunkeness, I eventually passed out around 7:00 p.m. woke up to an empty bed!

I finally had enough, I just couldn't take the guilt, remorse and knowledge of losing my family just because I wanted to get drunk! I staged my own intervention with my mom and H that day!!! Started AA that night! My family has been my main source of support, never shaming me, only encouraging me, talking openly with them about my alcoholism has been the key to saving myself!

After 71 days sober, very proud of myself, I rewarded myself with a drink, I was going to prove I could drink responsibly after 71 days staying sober! WRONG!!!!! Got the first couple of drinks in me and the compulsion to drink until I blacked out set in and that's exactly what I did! I blacked out, passed out, threw up, bawled my eyes out to my knowing husband, woke up to an empty bed, dumbfounded, in a daze, still drunk, hungover and felt guilt and shame like I never have before and hope to never again!

I called my mom and told her what I had done with my head hanging the whole time! She came over and picked up our little boy, didn't verbally beat me up, she knew I was doing a good enough job of that myself! It's been a couple months since that episode and it took me a LONG time to recover from it emotionally! I haven't had a drink since and God willing, I won't, it's just not worth it! My husband trusts me again and so does my family! I feel GREAT about myself, I have my life back! No drunk feeling can compare!

It hasn't been an easy road, just because you get sober, your life won't be perfect! But I'll tell you, there is nothing like dealing with lifes problems sober and guilt free knowing you are giving it your best by getting and staying sober!

You have to find a hobby other than drinking, without it, it's nearly impossible to stay sober! You can do this! Thanks God you are figuring it out BEFORE you lose everything! Good Luck!

K

roxiepoxie

Hi Jerry and welcome.I know how hard it is to finally admit that we are an alcoholic.I always thought of an alcoholic as a bum in the streets with a bottle,or someone who can't hold a job because of their drinking,people who get thrown in jail for DUIs.Me an alcoholic? no way I would say,I Just had a drinking problem.Yeah right,I'm as alcoholic as they come!! when I finally admitted it to myself I was ready to take that first step forward into my unwalked world of sobriety.I was scared to death,but i had had enough of the shame,the guilt,the lies,lonliness,emptiness,anger,helplessness all those great feelings that come with alcohol.So I made a choice.Sobriety.Started taking baby steps,day in and day out,one day at a time,somedays one hour at a time but I keep moving forward ,and you know what? i've coverd alot of ground!!! And I'm proud of myself.Sobriety....It's a wonderful feeling,and NO ONE can ever take that away from me. Best of luck to ya Jerry,we're all here for you.....Dianna

spirit

hi jerry, welcome!!

the only thing i can suggest at the moment is try not to focus on what if i fail etc. you might pick up a drink again, when we first start to stop, we often do, just to test ourselves, especially as we feel better, stronger and more confident. it has taken me a couple of goes at it mate.

BUT it isnt a failure, it is part of the process try to focus on the positive, focus on what you want to do not what you might do!

so if you dont want to drink, then focus on that, it is a hard journey but it can be done and the further you go with it, the better it gets for you.

it takes time to unlearn drinking and to learn not drinking - give youself the best chance with it.

good luck and for sure hang out here, you will get lots of support, advise and ideas.

welcome again
cheers
kath

JustJerry

I am in shock at how wonderful reading all of your posts makes me feel. Who would have ever thought that words from strangers could touch me in the way that everyone's words have today. I thank you all. You are my inspiration and I hope to be yours as well. There is a big event planned this coming weekend and I was at odds on what to tell my very close friends that will be traveling here from out of state. I knew they were expecting to come down and go out and dance and drink and have a great time. But, I would not even think of going out and trying not to drink. I want to stay far from it. I was dreading calling and struggled with the words I would use but I just picked up the phone and called them and told them the truth and what I have told everyone here and without a seconds hesitation they said "that's fine, we don't have to go out and drink, we will just go have dinner and just all hang out together" I have the best friends any one could ever ask for. No one was disappointed, no one was mad at me. I feel so great and I do not want this feeling to go away! Thanks again everyone for your support and encouragement!

spirit

wow jerry you are taking very big steps here, well done,

friends are valuable, i found when i told my friends, they then started to look at their drinking and some even said 'hey i couldnt do what you are doing - not drink" and they dont even have to stop haha.

i also had a friend who left the port out of trifle at desert one night haha, so i didnt have to taste it - how cool is that.

hugs to you - have vitamin B too, that is good for you
cheers
kath

lost puppy

Justjerry,
WELCOME!
I am new here myself, like a week or so,
I am on day 9, and it is very hard!
I too am on the verge of loosing everything to drinking.
and i too drank (past tense) to the point of blackout far too many times to count.
The things I did the night before allthough oblivious to me, a source of entertainment to those who witnessed it, "You should have seen what you did!".
These things now are a real source of shame and motivation for me.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and it is going to be OK, only if you want it to be.
Man I wish i had friends like yours, my friends called me from a big halloween party last night to ask why i wasn't there yet, I told them I had way to much RC cola to drink and couldn't drive for fear i might have to pee.
Anywho, enough about me, self pitty is a mother!
Cheers to the quiters!

tryinagain

Welcome and Congrats Jerry!! Wonderful realization isn't it..as demeaning of a thing as one would think it is to look in the mirror and face the reality and have to use the "a" word, until they do and realize that it is the most liberating experience that they have had in a long time. There is strength in the truth, it keeps me sober. Welcome!!!
Peace,
Roy

Don S

Hi, jerry, and welcome to SR,
...and congratulations on taking a couple of big steps towards sobriety.

People who achieve longterm sobriety generally have three things in common:
--they make a firm commitment to abstinence; it helps to announce it to friends and to get support from others who have also done that.
--they make lifestyle changes to enhance that sobriety; that usually involves changing how they socialize, shop, or spend their evenings (or other previous drinking times);
--they plan and practice for urges.

They plan ahead for the times that they expect alcohol will be present or might be offered to them, and they work out what they're going to say and do in advance. It's useful to enlist support in that planning.
They fill their previous drinking times with other activities, consciously pursuing hobbies or developing new interests (or revisiting old ones that fell by the wayside).
They do something every day to enhance their sobriety, whether it's reading about substance abuse, going to meetings (online or face-to-face) or forum boards, writing in a journal....

Various recovery groups have online meetings, and there is a schedule of them here as well. Most are chatroom style (i.e., you type in text); SMART Recovery has voice meetings via computer microphone, and other groups might also. Personally, I found forums to be very useful for support, and there's quite an interesting cast of characters online here.

A book you might want to read is Sober for Good, by Anne Fletcher. It is an interesting overview of how various people with longterm sobriety achieved it.

"The biggest thing that I am afraid of is failure." Many people lapse a time or two after they make their decision to quit drinking. You might, or might not. If you can look at those three characteristics--commitment to abstinence, lifestyle changes, and planning for urges--and see where your 'lapse' fits in, you can use it as a learning experience.

Sometimes it helps to remind yourself of the benefits of sobriety. I found many when I'd been sober for a short while, so I wrote them down. And I kept that list and added to it periodically. I really suggest you take some time to write down the costs of your drinking, the 'benefits' of your drinking, and the benefits you notice now that you've quit.

Long-term sobriety has many, many benefits--better health, more cash in the pocket, greater lifestyle balance, better relationships with family and friends, better able to deal with emotional upsets, and much more.

By the way, whichever support group you choose to use, I think we all agree that the first drink is the most important one to avoid. That's the one where you're making a 'rational' decision. After that, our resistance diminishes rapidly as our emotions and impulses take over. So that's why most of us have found abstinence to be our most successful choice.

Welcome again, and thanks for posting!
Don S