The blaming is strong with that one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
The blaming is strong with that one
That one being my AH. I have moved back in my apartment and changed my locks, my AH is now living in a new apartment, still in the same town.
He sort of admitted to doing cocaine: "I am not an addict, I do cocaine when I want to lose control". What?
Hasn't admitted to cheating on me: "I don't even know where I want that night I got ****** up". What?
But the blame and lashing out is incredibly hurtful.
"If you had a different approach"
"If you were less angry"
"If we shared and slept in the same bed"
"You need to let go of your anger"
"You did drugs in the past too"
"You are with someone else and you are using this excuse to get out of the marriage to be with him"
"I think you cheated on me with x and y"
"It's like your perfect and I am not even worthy of life"
"You are not easy to deal with"
"Why don't you love me and encourage me more"
"Why are you keeping our child hostage, I want to see him, you are low"
"I am working on myself, I don't want to party, I just want to work" (meanwhile, my landlord almost called the police on him that he was having parties at our place every night)
I think that's all I can remember from the last 10000+ emails he has been sending me since he has been living on his own.
It's hard, it's very hard. I used to sit there and try to reason and make him see the "reality", or at least my reality, but now, I just ignore and avoid him. I have had moments of weakness where I would email him and share how I feel, but after I sent the emails, I would quickly realize how I have wasted my time, because his replies were always in the lines of: "you think you are perfect and I am a monster".
I don't know how to handle these blaming games. I don't know how to emotionally protect myself from him, I don't know how to keep this kid away from him, so he doesn't emotionally drag him down either.
I feel that dealing with an addict is a skill, it's beyond learning how to communicate effectively. I am really struggling with this whole thing.
He sort of admitted to doing cocaine: "I am not an addict, I do cocaine when I want to lose control". What?
Hasn't admitted to cheating on me: "I don't even know where I want that night I got ****** up". What?
But the blame and lashing out is incredibly hurtful.
"If you had a different approach"
"If you were less angry"
"If we shared and slept in the same bed"
"You need to let go of your anger"
"You did drugs in the past too"
"You are with someone else and you are using this excuse to get out of the marriage to be with him"
"I think you cheated on me with x and y"
"It's like your perfect and I am not even worthy of life"
"You are not easy to deal with"
"Why don't you love me and encourage me more"
"Why are you keeping our child hostage, I want to see him, you are low"
"I am working on myself, I don't want to party, I just want to work" (meanwhile, my landlord almost called the police on him that he was having parties at our place every night)
I think that's all I can remember from the last 10000+ emails he has been sending me since he has been living on his own.
It's hard, it's very hard. I used to sit there and try to reason and make him see the "reality", or at least my reality, but now, I just ignore and avoid him. I have had moments of weakness where I would email him and share how I feel, but after I sent the emails, I would quickly realize how I have wasted my time, because his replies were always in the lines of: "you think you are perfect and I am a monster".
I don't know how to handle these blaming games. I don't know how to emotionally protect myself from him, I don't know how to keep this kid away from him, so he doesn't emotionally drag him down either.
I feel that dealing with an addict is a skill, it's beyond learning how to communicate effectively. I am really struggling with this whole thing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Since he has money for apartment and party, he ought to have cash for a lawyer.
I'm assuming by now you have one on retainer to deal with the divorce and custody.
This is where you tell his lawyer needs to contact your lawyer about supervised visits, and you screen your calls through the lawyer and don't
talk to him directly any longer.
As you see, it is unproductive and harmful to you, and does no good to your situation.
Go No Contact except about your son through your lawyer, and realize
he's making no sense, just blaming and deflecting, as you've noticed.
When does he go to Canada?
I'm assuming by now you have one on retainer to deal with the divorce and custody.
This is where you tell his lawyer needs to contact your lawyer about supervised visits, and you screen your calls through the lawyer and don't
talk to him directly any longer.
As you see, it is unproductive and harmful to you, and does no good to your situation.
Go No Contact except about your son through your lawyer, and realize
he's making no sense, just blaming and deflecting, as you've noticed.
When does he go to Canada?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I went no contact with the remainder of my family of origin, who were a LOT nicer than your ex.
Luckily, my ex never tries to pull this crap on the rare occasions we have to communicate.
Technology is a wonderful thing. Block him.
Luckily, my ex never tries to pull this crap on the rare occasions we have to communicate.
Technology is a wonderful thing. Block him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I don't know how to handle these blaming games
when i played russian roulette, i was always concerned if i got the loaded barrel.
amazing how i dont have to be concerned since i stopped playing the game.
maybe you could stop being a contestant in the game your playing? stop allowing it to happen?
when i played russian roulette, i was always concerned if i got the loaded barrel.
amazing how i dont have to be concerned since i stopped playing the game.
maybe you could stop being a contestant in the game your playing? stop allowing it to happen?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
He is leaving tomorrow.
You are right, I am emotionally weak and I definitely seek to play the roulette as well, hoping that it falls on black 17 where he might actually be reasonable.
I have blocked him everywhere except email. It hurt when he called me low, that's when I "gave in" and decided to setup a meeting between my son and him before he leaves.
Interestingly enough, my son has developed food poisoning, so he definitely can't hang out with him today. My son and I have been up the whole night, serious projective vomiting.
Ok, I need to help formulating this email to him, before I block him. I am going to put him on block on the email as well.
I will tell him that my son is sick and can't see him today etc etc and how do I relay the message to tell him going forward it will have to go through the lawyers?
I have the support of his family 100%, I spoke to them all.
My divorce documents are drawn and ready, no lawyer yet, I wanted to go to Superior court and file them by representing myself, knowing he will most likely contest it and at which point, I will have a lawyer ready (I have spoken to two and I am prepared should it go that route).
Would you be kind to help me put together the email if possible?
You are right, I am emotionally weak and I definitely seek to play the roulette as well, hoping that it falls on black 17 where he might actually be reasonable.
I have blocked him everywhere except email. It hurt when he called me low, that's when I "gave in" and decided to setup a meeting between my son and him before he leaves.
Interestingly enough, my son has developed food poisoning, so he definitely can't hang out with him today. My son and I have been up the whole night, serious projective vomiting.
Ok, I need to help formulating this email to him, before I block him. I am going to put him on block on the email as well.
I will tell him that my son is sick and can't see him today etc etc and how do I relay the message to tell him going forward it will have to go through the lawyers?
I have the support of his family 100%, I spoke to them all.
My divorce documents are drawn and ready, no lawyer yet, I wanted to go to Superior court and file them by representing myself, knowing he will most likely contest it and at which point, I will have a lawyer ready (I have spoken to two and I am prepared should it go that route).
Would you be kind to help me put together the email if possible?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Maybe you need to block him and go no contact for a while. Addicts are master manipulators, especially with the blame game.
Remind me, are you in therapy? If not, get there, pronto. With someone who understands addiction and is there FOR YOU. Not for couples, just for you.
Sending big hugs.
Remind me, are you in therapy? If not, get there, pronto. With someone who understands addiction and is there FOR YOU. Not for couples, just for you.
Sending big hugs.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
My ex was like this. I did not reply to a single one of his texts or messages. What could I have said that he would not have twisted and thrown back at me in some nasty way? He knew what he did wrong. He just didn't care. Don't talk to this guy or respond to him unless it's through your lawyer. He might very well use your responses against you in court somehow.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Agree.
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Remind me, are you in therapy? If not, get there, pronto. With someone who understands addiction and is there FOR YOU. Not for couples, just for you.
Sending big hugs.
Sending big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Oh dear Soulful, hugs to you.
He sounds a lot like XAH. Even all the lines are eerily the same. Many people can probably relate here. I can also completely relate to caving in when A calls you names - I did just that a few weeks ago, and I have been divorced for almost two years.
Handling alcoholic is definitely a skill, none of the effective communication stuff works. This is why marriage counselors refuse to see practicing and newly recovering alcoholics. Nothing you say or write will get through to him.
Honestly - I don't think you need to write to him anything but a couple of sensences stating what you are going to do. There is also software for scheduling visits I believe.
XAH lately has been calling, texting, and Skyping every day - I let DS pick up but I am not engaging - although XAH keeps asking DS if I want to talk to him. We have been actually pretty cordial until September when he cursed me out in public for nothing. Yikes.
Anyway - my "advice" would be to keep the note very short and not justify anything, and go do as much no contact as possible after that
He sounds a lot like XAH. Even all the lines are eerily the same. Many people can probably relate here. I can also completely relate to caving in when A calls you names - I did just that a few weeks ago, and I have been divorced for almost two years.
Handling alcoholic is definitely a skill, none of the effective communication stuff works. This is why marriage counselors refuse to see practicing and newly recovering alcoholics. Nothing you say or write will get through to him.
Honestly - I don't think you need to write to him anything but a couple of sensences stating what you are going to do. There is also software for scheduling visits I believe.
XAH lately has been calling, texting, and Skyping every day - I let DS pick up but I am not engaging - although XAH keeps asking DS if I want to talk to him. We have been actually pretty cordial until September when he cursed me out in public for nothing. Yikes.
Anyway - my "advice" would be to keep the note very short and not justify anything, and go do as much no contact as possible after that
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sorry, for some reason I missed your post saying you are going to go NC even through email. I would wait until he leaves to tell him you will not be doing any contact except through an attorney. However, if you plan to rep yourself and he does too, that will create a whole new issue. I would let him leave before you tell him this just in case he does not go. As for today, I would simply give an email that states your son is ill and cannot see him. Then don't check your email again because I am sure there will be more manipulation there waiting for you.
Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you sort through this and read the emails for you and only tell you what you need to know. I had someone do that for me in the past, it was very helpful.
Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you sort through this and read the emails for you and only tell you what you need to know. I had someone do that for me in the past, it was very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
But the blame and lashing out is incredibly hurtful.
"If you had a different approach"
"If you were less angry"
"If we shared and slept in the same bed"
"You need to let go of your anger"
"You did drugs in the past too"
"You are with someone else and you are using this excuse to get out of the marriage to be with him"
"I think you cheated on me with x and y"
"It's like your perfect and I am not even worthy of life"
"You are not easy to deal with"
"Why don't you love me and encourage me more"
"Why are you keeping our child hostage, I want to see him, you are low"
"I am working on myself, I don't want to party, I just want to work" (meanwhile, my landlord almost called the police on him that he was having parties at our place every night)
"If you had a different approach"
"If you were less angry"
"If we shared and slept in the same bed"
"You need to let go of your anger"
"You did drugs in the past too"
"You are with someone else and you are using this excuse to get out of the marriage to be with him"
"I think you cheated on me with x and y"
"It's like your perfect and I am not even worthy of life"
"You are not easy to deal with"
"Why don't you love me and encourage me more"
"Why are you keeping our child hostage, I want to see him, you are low"
"I am working on myself, I don't want to party, I just want to work" (meanwhile, my landlord almost called the police on him that he was having parties at our place every night)
I'm getting better at recognizing manipulative, abusive, crappy behavior and I know you are too. Good for you for knowing it when you see it.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
I'm sure there are other websites, the one I am familiar with is called ourfamilywizard.com and all communication goes through the website and can be submitted to the court if he continues harassing and trying to talk about other things than the child.
I agree with the other amazing advice you have received. No contact is not impossible when you have children. FWIW: my ES&H it that I learned once I took myself off the table so to speak, I do not even have to deal with my xah on the website for the children anyways. Hugs
I agree with the other amazing advice you have received. No contact is not impossible when you have children. FWIW: my ES&H it that I learned once I took myself off the table so to speak, I do not even have to deal with my xah on the website for the children anyways. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Would you be kind to help me put together the email if possible?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Soulful
You are right, I am emotionally weak and I definitely seek to play the roulette as well, hoping that it falls on black 17 where he might actually be reasonable.
I have blocked him everywhere except email. It hurt when he called me low, that's when I "gave in" and decided to setup a meeting between my son and him before he leaves.
Interestingly enough, my son has developed food poisoning, so he definitely can't hang out with him today. My son and I have been up the whole night, serious projective vomiting.
Ok, I need to help formulating this email to him, before I block him. I am going to put him on block on the email as well.
I will tell him that my son is sick and can't see him today etc etc and how do I relay the message to tell him going forward it will have to go through the lawyers?
I have the support of his family 100%, I spoke to them all.
My divorce documents are drawn and ready, no lawyer yet, I wanted to go to Superior court and file them by representing myself, knowing he will most likely contest it and at which point, I will have a lawyer ready (I have spoken to two and I am prepared should it go that route).
Would you be kind to help me put together the email if possible?
I have blocked him everywhere except email. It hurt when he called me low, that's when I "gave in" and decided to setup a meeting between my son and him before he leaves.
Interestingly enough, my son has developed food poisoning, so he definitely can't hang out with him today. My son and I have been up the whole night, serious projective vomiting.
Ok, I need to help formulating this email to him, before I block him. I am going to put him on block on the email as well.
I will tell him that my son is sick and can't see him today etc etc and how do I relay the message to tell him going forward it will have to go through the lawyers?
I have the support of his family 100%, I spoke to them all.
My divorce documents are drawn and ready, no lawyer yet, I wanted to go to Superior court and file them by representing myself, knowing he will most likely contest it and at which point, I will have a lawyer ready (I have spoken to two and I am prepared should it go that route).
Would you be kind to help me put together the email if possible?
as far as how to inform him all further communication will have to be through your attorney, i think that would be enough right there,(it seems youd have to be set up with an atty before that could happen ,though) but im not that smart and hope others can offer suggestions.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Blame-shifting projection.
It helped my sanity to reverse the pronouns when I hear this level of quacking... because he's really telling you everything he is struggling with himself:
Some of these read so much better as:
"If *I* had a different approach"
"If *I* was less angry"
"*I* need to let go of *my* anger"
"*I* am not easy to deal with"
"Why don't *I* love *you* and encourage *you* more"
It doesn't work for every sentence, but in my experience it often applies to the overall mindset of the conversation even when it's not so easy to convert literally. When I started hearing it differently, I was able to stop taking it so personally & see that he was really just lashing out at himself.
It helped my sanity to reverse the pronouns when I hear this level of quacking... because he's really telling you everything he is struggling with himself:
Some of these read so much better as:
"If *I* had a different approach"
"If *I* was less angry"
"*I* need to let go of *my* anger"
"*I* am not easy to deal with"
"Why don't *I* love *you* and encourage *you* more"
It doesn't work for every sentence, but in my experience it often applies to the overall mindset of the conversation even when it's not so easy to convert literally. When I started hearing it differently, I was able to stop taking it so personally & see that he was really just lashing out at himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Blame-shifting projection.
It helped my sanity to reverse the pronouns when I hear this level of quacking... because he's really telling you everything he is struggling with himself:
Some of these read so much better as:
"If *I* had a different approach"
"If *I* was less angry"
"*I* need to let go of *my* anger"
"*I* am not easy to deal with"
"Why don't *I* love *you* and encourage *you* more"
It doesn't work for every sentence, but in my experience it often applies to the overall mindset of the conversation even when it's not so easy to convert literally. When I started hearing it differently, I was able to stop taking it so personally & see that he was really just lashing out at himself.
It helped my sanity to reverse the pronouns when I hear this level of quacking... because he's really telling you everything he is struggling with himself:
Some of these read so much better as:
"If *I* had a different approach"
"If *I* was less angry"
"*I* need to let go of *my* anger"
"*I* am not easy to deal with"
"Why don't *I* love *you* and encourage *you* more"
It doesn't work for every sentence, but in my experience it often applies to the overall mindset of the conversation even when it's not so easy to convert literally. When I started hearing it differently, I was able to stop taking it so personally & see that he was really just lashing out at himself.
Thank you, this is a very good exercise.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Don't explain anything, just that your son is ill.
I also think waiting until he leaves before notifying him of the No Contact
is a wise choice.
The familywizard site is a great idea if you aren't ready to hire a lawyer yet.
I think were I you, however, I would get one sooner than later.
The quicker you get into "No Contact" the better.
This guy isn't giving up without a fight, it looks like. . .
I also think waiting until he leaves before notifying him of the No Contact
is a wise choice.
The familywizard site is a great idea if you aren't ready to hire a lawyer yet.
I think were I you, however, I would get one sooner than later.
The quicker you get into "No Contact" the better.
This guy isn't giving up without a fight, it looks like. . .
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