Dealing With My Mother?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Dealing With My Mother?
When I was growing up my mother was addicted to prescription drugs really, really bad. In counseling and al-anon I have dealt with what happened to me as a child (verbal, physical, mental abuse at the hands of my mother, my mother's cheating on my father many times, on and off abandonment of me and my sister, and my mother's attempted suicide (I was two), my co-dependence, and the recent problems with my AH), but how do I deal with what my mother is like now? She was able to slowly get off of the prescription drugs with the help of a doctor and is on much smaller doses of a different form of medication for her nerves, but now she seems to have "memory" problems about the past. She keeps insisting (I never ask her opinion though) that she was the perfect mother and I should raise my children her way (horribly abusive) and any talking back or difference of opinion should be "corrected" (she would usually kick us, or slapped us accross the face and called us little bi*ch or MF). I would NEVER do that to my children and really think she should have kept at the psychological counseling she had after her suicide attempt years ago (she insisted that she didn't need it because my dad was THE one and only problem (yeah, right), and she only went the one month the law told her she needed to the counselor), and it makes me sick to have her tell me over and over that I'm doing something wrong AGAIN. I've lost a lot of weight, graduated from college (at 35), started going to counseling (she was against this because she knew the counselor would ask about her), and I am now happy again and enjoy myself and my life and my two wonderful children--but she can never compliment me on ANY of my accomplishments or tell me I'm a good mom. When me or my sister bring up anything bad about our past and my mom hears it, my mom says we are ingrateful brats and "making things up". My mother seems to take a sick kind of pleasure in bringing up my sister's alcoholism (and dependence on numerous prescription drugs), morbid obesity, and her inability to stay at a one job. I know I can't change my mother at all, and I usually detach from her behavior, but all of her "opinions" start to eat at me again and I end up doubting myself again, and again and again. I always wondered why I felt depressed after a visit to her house. Now I know. She plays those old tricks to try to make me feel bad about myself and any accomplishment because in a very, very sick way it makes her feel better about herself. But it still bugs me!!!!!!!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Blondie,
Wow, sounds familiar with the drugs and abuse. I've been in therapy for 4 years and have learned a whole lot about my life growing up with my grandparents (mother died and father remarried). Also discovered I'd been sexually abused as a child by the old man down the street. My way of looking for love and attention in a home where I was second class and I was basically their servant. What a situation. Horrible.
Through therapy, I've become stronger and confident. No longer scared of the abuser (alcoholic husband). The case with me is that all the people who physically and verbally abused and used me as a child and until I moved out and up until about 6 years ago, are all dead. My therapist asked me how I would have handled the situation if they were still alive because I had to confront all of them for the damage they did to me.
My thought would have been to sit down with them on a one-to-one basis and explain all the hurt and pain they caused me throughout my years. How they'd taken my inner child and took away her love of life and being a child. I would have been kind about it, but should they deny it, I would have continued to tell them of the things they did to me. And, of course, they wouldn't have gotten all pi**ed off at me like they always did if I didn't jump up and kiss their asses.
I never got credit for anything. It was always not good enough. They thought they were doing me a favor by taking me in at the time of my mothers death. It was a sentence of mental and spiritual death for me. They belittled my husband when he went to rehab because their 2 daughters had been there several times and couldn't stay sober.
And, I knew that knowing who they were and what they were, our relationship would have been over. I would have cut all ties because I wouldn't allow anybody or anything to get in the way of my healing because it's something that feels so good and so right. And I would have had no regrets. NONE!!!
When I turned 50, (3 years ago) I promised myself that the next 50 years were going to awesome, healthy and wonderful and I wouldn't let anyone take that away from me anymore. I love the way I feel and I love the feel of strength and assertiveness knowing that I can say "no" and mean it without the guilt trips. And know that I'm not being selfish. That I'm taking care of Kathy for a change.
This is how I would have handled my family. I know the pain you're going through and my heart hurts for you.
Continue with your therapy and meetings. ACOA and alanon. Do it for yourself and no one else. You'll gain strength from all of this. Promise!!!
Love, support and blessings to you dear heart. Kathy
Wow, sounds familiar with the drugs and abuse. I've been in therapy for 4 years and have learned a whole lot about my life growing up with my grandparents (mother died and father remarried). Also discovered I'd been sexually abused as a child by the old man down the street. My way of looking for love and attention in a home where I was second class and I was basically their servant. What a situation. Horrible.
Through therapy, I've become stronger and confident. No longer scared of the abuser (alcoholic husband). The case with me is that all the people who physically and verbally abused and used me as a child and until I moved out and up until about 6 years ago, are all dead. My therapist asked me how I would have handled the situation if they were still alive because I had to confront all of them for the damage they did to me.
My thought would have been to sit down with them on a one-to-one basis and explain all the hurt and pain they caused me throughout my years. How they'd taken my inner child and took away her love of life and being a child. I would have been kind about it, but should they deny it, I would have continued to tell them of the things they did to me. And, of course, they wouldn't have gotten all pi**ed off at me like they always did if I didn't jump up and kiss their asses.
I never got credit for anything. It was always not good enough. They thought they were doing me a favor by taking me in at the time of my mothers death. It was a sentence of mental and spiritual death for me. They belittled my husband when he went to rehab because their 2 daughters had been there several times and couldn't stay sober.
And, I knew that knowing who they were and what they were, our relationship would have been over. I would have cut all ties because I wouldn't allow anybody or anything to get in the way of my healing because it's something that feels so good and so right. And I would have had no regrets. NONE!!!
When I turned 50, (3 years ago) I promised myself that the next 50 years were going to awesome, healthy and wonderful and I wouldn't let anyone take that away from me anymore. I love the way I feel and I love the feel of strength and assertiveness knowing that I can say "no" and mean it without the guilt trips. And know that I'm not being selfish. That I'm taking care of Kathy for a change.
This is how I would have handled my family. I know the pain you're going through and my heart hurts for you.
Continue with your therapy and meetings. ACOA and alanon. Do it for yourself and no one else. You'll gain strength from all of this. Promise!!!
Love, support and blessings to you dear heart. Kathy
Last edited by gelfling; 10-30-2004 at 07:31 AM. Reason: correction
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Blondie,
First of all, congratulations on your graduation!
You should be very proud of yourself.
Now, about dysfunctional mothers...
My mother is like a black hole of negativity.
I spent an hour with her today and she didn't have one good thing to say about anyone or anything.
I have to work really hard not to get sucked into that black hole.
I try to use my mother as an example of what I don't want to be like...ever.
JT said something once about people being broken.
I use that thought when I spend time with my mother.
She's 81, and there are a lot of things in her spirit that are broken.
I don't think they will ever get fixed.
So I just have to deal with her on those terms.
Hugs,
Gabe
First of all, congratulations on your graduation!
You should be very proud of yourself.
Now, about dysfunctional mothers...
My mother is like a black hole of negativity.
I spent an hour with her today and she didn't have one good thing to say about anyone or anything.
I have to work really hard not to get sucked into that black hole.
I try to use my mother as an example of what I don't want to be like...ever.
JT said something once about people being broken.
I use that thought when I spend time with my mother.
She's 81, and there are a lot of things in her spirit that are broken.
I don't think they will ever get fixed.
So I just have to deal with her on those terms.
Hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
Addicts getting clean does not remove addict behavior. It sounds like she is still living that, and your post is clear that she has never done anything to change that behavior. You, however, sound like you have done wonderful things with your life, and have many accomplishments under your belt that you deserve to be proud of. And you sound to me like a wonderful mother. Keep up with your recovery. It sounds like you have things where you need them to be in your life, with the exception of the relationship with your mother. Don't let it discourage you that she is not who you would wish her to be. Remember, you have no control over that, and let it go. Accepting her as what she is will bring you some peace with it.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((Blondie))))))))
I wrote a letter and read it to a picture of the person that was sitting in a chair. Some of them were still alive. I did not want to hear what they might say back to me because I was doing it for me not them. What it taght me is that now I do not have to put up with anyones cr@p. I cannot change my past but I can change my now and my future.
I did confront my mom on somethings and she was hurt but, I got over it. Notice I said I got over it..... Our relationship is the most stable of all her kids. She knows I will not try to use her like her other kids and she knows I will be honest with her and she knows I forgive her and just want to move forward.....
I writing this to you I realized my AH is more like my grandfather than my father who was extreemly talented but, also a raging alkie, my H is a crack addict which is somewhat diffent I guess because hey did not have crack when I was young and being abused by my grandfather..... but, I see simularities between them and just maybe I am trying to resolve issues with my grandfather thru my AH interesting.....
I wrote a letter and read it to a picture of the person that was sitting in a chair. Some of them were still alive. I did not want to hear what they might say back to me because I was doing it for me not them. What it taght me is that now I do not have to put up with anyones cr@p. I cannot change my past but I can change my now and my future.
I did confront my mom on somethings and she was hurt but, I got over it. Notice I said I got over it..... Our relationship is the most stable of all her kids. She knows I will not try to use her like her other kids and she knows I will be honest with her and she knows I forgive her and just want to move forward.....
I writing this to you I realized my AH is more like my grandfather than my father who was extreemly talented but, also a raging alkie, my H is a crack addict which is somewhat diffent I guess because hey did not have crack when I was young and being abused by my grandfather..... but, I see simularities between them and just maybe I am trying to resolve issues with my grandfather thru my AH interesting.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thank you everyone for answering my post. This is the one stumbling block that is hard for me to get past because it has always been there and I'm trying to figure out how to get past it.
Gabe and abtchonamission you are right, I need to accept that that is the way she is because she will NEVER change. Gabe, thinking of her as a black hole is a good visual and very accurate. I never thought of it that way before. I just always thought of her as a dark cloud that covers everyone around her, but if I think of her as a black hole I can picture her as trying to suck people into her sick little world. Interesting.
Gelfing, I can totally understand. We have many similarities. When I turned 40 I knew that I didn't want to keep living the way I had been living. It is hard going through therapy, but it has been well worth it.
Splendra, I did confront her before, and of course she denied everything, but I got it "off my chest" and I got over it. I know she never will, but that is HER choice.
Jojogun, you are right too. My sister is like my mother in a lot of ways but refuses (like my mother) to get any form of counseling. I've told my sister that therapy has done wonders for me, but she just says she doesn't need it (yeah, right). Recently when my sister had a nervous breakdown, she went to a psychiatrist only once, and that was to get the prescription for nerve pills. She never went back (just like my mother). My sister and my mother refuse to follow the path that can bring you peace and think that what I am doing is "silly". I'll never understand that really. I couldn't stand living like that any longer--it drove me into a deep depression and near nervous breakdown. How can anyone live that way?
Gabe and abtchonamission you are right, I need to accept that that is the way she is because she will NEVER change. Gabe, thinking of her as a black hole is a good visual and very accurate. I never thought of it that way before. I just always thought of her as a dark cloud that covers everyone around her, but if I think of her as a black hole I can picture her as trying to suck people into her sick little world. Interesting.
Gelfing, I can totally understand. We have many similarities. When I turned 40 I knew that I didn't want to keep living the way I had been living. It is hard going through therapy, but it has been well worth it.
Splendra, I did confront her before, and of course she denied everything, but I got it "off my chest" and I got over it. I know she never will, but that is HER choice.
Jojogun, you are right too. My sister is like my mother in a lot of ways but refuses (like my mother) to get any form of counseling. I've told my sister that therapy has done wonders for me, but she just says she doesn't need it (yeah, right). Recently when my sister had a nervous breakdown, she went to a psychiatrist only once, and that was to get the prescription for nerve pills. She never went back (just like my mother). My sister and my mother refuse to follow the path that can bring you peace and think that what I am doing is "silly". I'll never understand that really. I couldn't stand living like that any longer--it drove me into a deep depression and near nervous breakdown. How can anyone live that way?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I don't like my Mum - I suppose in a way I love her, but I don't like her. She's manipulative in the extreme and seems to have no self limits about what it's ok to do in order to be SEEN as 'in the right'.
My answer has been to see both my parents less and less. My father has tourettes and I love him to bits but he has a foul temper and is totally under her control, it's sad that seeing less of her means seeing less of him too - if brownie points were handed out for effort to be a good person, my dad would be world famous as the all time champion!!
I'm afraid for me staying away really was the only answer - I prepare when I go to see them, I remember my Mum has the problem and that I don't wish her ill but I can't try to make her see why her actions are SO wrong. I only go once every couple of months now (if that).
Now we've both gone t-total I think she'll guess why. If she does, she'll use it and if she does that it'll be the last time I see either of them. I won't put myself or my hubby through that.
I suppose what I'm saying is that at least for me it was healthier to give up on my Mum ever seeing her actions as wrong and then to keep her at an emotional length (in terms of trust and relationship) where she's less able to hurt me. If at any time that doesn't work I would cut her out my life even if it meant loosing my father.
My answer has been to see both my parents less and less. My father has tourettes and I love him to bits but he has a foul temper and is totally under her control, it's sad that seeing less of her means seeing less of him too - if brownie points were handed out for effort to be a good person, my dad would be world famous as the all time champion!!
I'm afraid for me staying away really was the only answer - I prepare when I go to see them, I remember my Mum has the problem and that I don't wish her ill but I can't try to make her see why her actions are SO wrong. I only go once every couple of months now (if that).
Now we've both gone t-total I think she'll guess why. If she does, she'll use it and if she does that it'll be the last time I see either of them. I won't put myself or my hubby through that.
I suppose what I'm saying is that at least for me it was healthier to give up on my Mum ever seeing her actions as wrong and then to keep her at an emotional length (in terms of trust and relationship) where she's less able to hurt me. If at any time that doesn't work I would cut her out my life even if it meant loosing my father.
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