Lostbirdie

Hi everyone, I’m sorry for posting so often. But here we go again...

I failed myself.

I gave in.

Today i was having a bad day. This usually happens after a couple of days of anger. The emotions are up and down, but i’ve been writing in a journal whenever I feel this way.

An hour ago, I picked up my cell to a number that I hadnt recognized, and whaddya know, it was my AXBF.

I should’ve immediately said I was busy at work, or ANYTHING, but I stayed on the line.

NC broken once again.

We exchanged our hellos and how are you’s and suddenly I realised i knew why he called, and it wasnt just to see how I was. He said he lost his job today, that he’s been overall well, attending his meetings and seeing his counsellor, but that he’s stressing with the loss of his job. He asked me for money, and assured me that it was strictly for his rent and gas. He would even “show proof” if i didnt believe him.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and hated the fact that I was his last and only option. Some friends and family couldnt help out, while others simply would not.

..But i did. I gave him money, and now i feel so ashamed. I let myself down by enabling him. I’m so angry at myself and hurt. At first i felt a slight feeling of “pride” in knowing that I was right about him the whole time. But now I feel guilty and used.

I NEVER enablesd him in the past, I hated it when he would ask me for money, but for some sick and twisted reason I did today...

How can I let a man who had been manipulating and lying to me for years, who says he’s no longer IN love with me, do it all over again? Where has my strength gone?

I’m so sick of this. Im sick of circling around this toxic person. For some reason i still feel like i want him to know i support him even though i no longer want to be in a relationship with him, despite how messed up the circumstance was. I can hear myself saying “Stupid girl!” for what i did, and now i’m scared that this will slow my healing even more.

Any advice? Experiences?

(Again, so sorry for all the threads/posts i made on this forum! All your kind words have helped me get through some bad times)

Ann

I gave in a hundred times to my son's tearful, pathetic requests for money. When I stopped giving money but took him some groceries...he took them back and cashed them in. When I bought tools and a tool belt for his new job helping a renovator...he sold them or returned them for money for drugs. Basically, I was funding my son's drug purchases.

It didn't stop until I said "NO" and meant it. About three NO's and he finally stopped asking/using me.

How did I say no without a long confrontation?

"I'm sorry, I don't have any money." (repeat as needed when they carry on or simply hang up or walk away).

"I need to pay my bills."

"No, you say you will pay me back but we both know you won't. Sorry"

"I have no money"

"I have no money"

and the big finale...

"I have no money".

Sometimes I'd add, "you're smart, you'll figure something out."

It ends when we say it ends and not a moment before.

Good luck, your didn't fail, you just haven't practiced enough.

HardLessons

Hi LB

I believe I was one of the worst enablers on the planet. There was virtually no limit to what I did. I did not have any control over myself.

I did finally stop enabling her. One of the reasons I stopped was because I knew that even when I gave money for things like rent, food, utility payments verifiable bills which were due all it did was to free up her money for more drugs. In essence I was just fueling her addictions. I was causing great harm to her. My acts of love & kindness were most likely killing her. She's an addict.

Think carefully about where your money is going & what harm it is causing. If you really care about this person, giving money isn't an answer.

Thanks

hopeful4

Experiences: I have thrown away THOUSANDS on my XAH's legal bills, supporting him during the YEARS he did not work, the list goes on and on.

Advise: Just say NO. No matter what. And stay NC so you don't have to be put on the spot.

There is no point in feeling bad about it now, it's done. You cannot change it. However, see this as a brand new day, a new moment, the slate is clean. What you do with the future is your choice.

Big hugs.

AnvilheadII

He said he lost his job today, that he’s been overall well, attending his meetings and seeing his counsellor, but that he’s stressing with the loss of his job. He asked me for money, and assured me that it was strictly for his rent and gas. He would even “show proof” if i didnt believe him.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and hated the fact that I was his last and only option. Some friends and family couldnt help out, while others simply would not.

chances are VERY good that you are not the LAST person he called - in fact he probably had a list to go down. you were just A CALL, a possible source of cash. EX's have no business calling their ex's and asking for hand outs.

you had a couple rough days with high emotions, then TA DA, it's like the dopeman showing up in the driveway, your FIX calls you. it probably felt "good" to have him call and ask for HELP.

problem is, it was just a smokescreen so he could get his hands on cash. sure he made small talk and then got to the point. MONEY.

but as Clapton said..........don't forget this fact, you can't get it back.

FenwayFaithful

Ah the old I lost my job excuse. As for gas BS excuse. I walked or took the bus everywhere for my first year of sobriety Bc I didn’t have a car

Anyway, that being said, what’s done is done. Addicts are great at emotional manipulation.

That’s why NC is so important. I know how hard it is. My ex was in jail and it was still tough and I would put money on his books etc:

You just have to know that by not giving in to him you are actually helping him. But HE honestly DOESNT matter. YOU matter. You slipped up. It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Start over. Don’t beat yourself up for the past

OpheliaKatz

The longer I read stories on SR, the more I realize how duped I was and how extreme my enabling was. I didn't even know my ex was an addict when I was buying him shoes, groceries, books, anything necessary to keep him going because I thought he was "poor" and had "run out of money". From time to time, his parents would give him something, like an old pair of shoes and I would wonder why they didn't just loan him some cash. He said that they were mean people, selfish mean people. Turns out that there is a reason they treated him the way they did... because anything they gave him, if it had any value, would have become money for drugs. I wish someone had been honest with me about his addiction. I wish this and that, but I'm sure I wouldn't have listened, I would have thought, "that sounds ridiculous"; and in fact the one time I was told that he had a problem, it did sound ridiculous because he turned around and called the person who was trying to warn me of his issues a liar.

So I would not say that you failed anything because being comfortable with saying "no" is an ongoing life-long process... a bit like being a recovering addict. I think also, some people help because it makes them feel special. Some people help because they have difficulties saying "no" and it's got nothing to do with feeling special. I have difficulties saying "no". I also have difficulties standing up for myself... but somehow don't have any problem standing up for others. You just have to keep saying no. You haven't failed, just lapsed (not a full-blown relapse).

Ann

The above post reminds me of the very sad time that I bought new, very nice and yes, expensive, running shoes for my son to give his son on his birthday. His son knew they were coming and was so excited. I kept the payment receipt so my son could not return them.

My son sold the shoes, there was no birthday present for his son.

Sad, it's just sad. We CANNOT help, no matter how we try, no matter how wise we think we are being when giving the gift.

We are trying to save that which is not ours to save. We are doing harm.

When I knew better, I did better and learned to say "NO".

Maudcat

Lesson learned, LB.
Sometimes we have to learn a lesson more than once.
Don’t beat yourself up.
How about, as Ann suggested, you run a script in your head about saying NO?
We had a friend who was always borrowing money that never got paid back.
After a couple of “Sorry, can’t help you this month,” he stopped calling.”
Funny how that happens.
Peace.

Lostbirdie

Hi FenwayFaithful,

I hope you don’t mind, but I read a few of your past threads and my God I xompletely see myself from your experience, particularly the emotions and mental places you were in then. Thank you so much for your help, I truly appreciate it.

FenwayFaithful

[QUOTE=Lostbirdie;6706507]Hi FenwayFaithful,

I hope you don’t mind, but I read a few of your past threads and my God I xompletely see myself from your experience, particularly the emotions and mental places you were in then. Thank you so much for your help, I truly appreciate it.[/QUOTE

My favorite part of any 12 step program or forum such as this is the ability for our story to help someone else even if it’s just hey wow I’m not alone in my feelings. Inbox be any time you wanna talk or anything. I use this app on my phone so don’t always see it right away but will get back to you. I am sooo far from perfect believe me but I have come a long way in the last 2 years