comtnman740

Hey guys,
I'm working on my 8th step. Putting together a list of people i need to make an amends to. Wanted to get everyone's take on making amends. In this day and age of email/skype/facebook etc how do you typically handle amends? How do you gauge what people you should meet face to face? Alot of my family live out of state is it decent to do it over the phone? Thanks in advance for your input!
Garrison

tomsteve

when there were people i couldnt see f2f, i made a phone call. when i couldnt make a phone call, i wrote a letter. written letters and phone calls are much more personal then emails and texts.
how to determine who to meet f2f and ones not to was simple:
check my motives.

tomsteve

p.s.
good on ya for getting this far!

Berrybean

I went through the list with my sponsor and discussed it with her. Glad I did.

BB

hellrzr

Yea, you definitely need to work with your sponsor on this.

Great job working the steps!!!

August252015

I have used a combination of communication methods. Some amends done in person; some I would have done in person but the person was deceased or unresponsive to my interest in meeting. A lot have been done in writing - like a card/letter or a long email; some people's contact info has been easier to find than others and I have had one of two cards returned to sender. I have also made phone calls.

I have found, going on 22 months, that "amends to make" keep popping up - either about yet another thing that needs to be addressed with my family, or by a new something/someone I am now ready to deal with- and I let prayer and my gut guide when and how to make them.

I think it's a bit of an art, not a strict run-down of do-it-this-way given today's world and options. I know that with my parents, to whom I frankly can never make enough amends, I sat down and laid out what I knew (we all knew) I had to make amends for, with a promise that I would focusing on living in Step 10 and making things right as I go along with them, as things I am wrong about crop up.

This is a particular area where I firmly believe action not stagnation is crucial to our continued growth in recovery.

Gottalife

Motives are critical and not always easy to sort out. The alcoholic mind is very good at hiding a bad motive under a good one. I worked closely with my sponsor on amends, who and how. We often met just before and immediately after.

We have learned a few things on our journey so far. We have looked at ourselves and faced our demons. We have done all this with sympathetic, understanding people.

The ninth step is a completely different ball game. The people we have hurt are under no obligation to be sympathetic and supportive. They may be angry, they may give us our pedigree. We must not react or retaliate. We do our best to set things right and walk away. Preparation is key. Going off half cocked can be a disaster.

Having said that, I found the vast majority of people are pleased we have changed our ways, and appreciate the restorative justice approach that is step nine. It is amazing how much healing can come from a good step nine for all parties involved.

Text and email, btw, I think would just cause greater offence. They just don't transmit the feel that someone really wants to put things right.

comtnman740

Thanks for all of the great recommendations Everyone! My Sponsor and I meet every Monday so i presume that we will go over them then and i'll try to gauge how to tackle each of them. I have a plan to go back east to see my family around Easter so i think i'll plan on making amends to my family then. I have alot of friends in the Denver metro area that i feel like i need to make an amends to. I think my question was more geared toward them. I feel like i should do it in person as I feel it will have more meaning. Thanks!