Still Feeling Down
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 16
Still Feeling Down
Hi everyone. I'm still not with my ex. I spoke to him about 2 times in the last few weeks.
He told me he's never dated a girl while in "active addiction." He told me he didn't do cocaine while with his ex girlfriend. I asked him why he was able to stop for her and not me? He told me he stopped for himself, not for her.. but he stopped right before he started dating her and started again a few weeks after they ended. I can't help but consistently pick myself apart. I know I shouldn't do this and I know it's not necessarily a reflection of my value but it keeps coming up in my mind that I wasn't good enough. My family and friends keep yelling at me and asking why I can't get a grip. I honestly don't know why I can't. I'm hurting pretty deeply still.
I think it's triggering me from when my brother used heroin and when my mom was an active raging alcohol most of my childhood. She would never stop no matter how much I cried. She'd always choose alcohol over me and my brother. For years growing up I'd spend my nights cleaning up her drunken messes and making sure no cigarettes were still lit until 3am. She'd push aside my birthday to get drunk with her friends on the weekend. I never felt love from my mom. Even though she's sober now, I still never feel the love I've craved.
I think this is bringing up a lot of old, deep emotions in me. I think that's why it's hurting me so much. I don't know how to find some solace.
He told me he's never dated a girl while in "active addiction." He told me he didn't do cocaine while with his ex girlfriend. I asked him why he was able to stop for her and not me? He told me he stopped for himself, not for her.. but he stopped right before he started dating her and started again a few weeks after they ended. I can't help but consistently pick myself apart. I know I shouldn't do this and I know it's not necessarily a reflection of my value but it keeps coming up in my mind that I wasn't good enough. My family and friends keep yelling at me and asking why I can't get a grip. I honestly don't know why I can't. I'm hurting pretty deeply still.
I think it's triggering me from when my brother used heroin and when my mom was an active raging alcohol most of my childhood. She would never stop no matter how much I cried. She'd always choose alcohol over me and my brother. For years growing up I'd spend my nights cleaning up her drunken messes and making sure no cigarettes were still lit until 3am. She'd push aside my birthday to get drunk with her friends on the weekend. I never felt love from my mom. Even though she's sober now, I still never feel the love I've craved.
I think this is bringing up a lot of old, deep emotions in me. I think that's why it's hurting me so much. I don't know how to find some solace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Abby, I'm so sorry. But the thing is, you can't trust a word an addict says. They WANT us to feel that we are to blame, or that we aren't enough to make them stop using. They want us to wonder what is wrong with us, so that we're not focused on what's really wrong with them. And I'm so sorry you're not getting support from family and friends. I went through that, too. They just don't understand, and couldn't possibly, unless they'd been there themselves. Loving an addict is torture. But time will heal these wounds, and there are ways to speed up the process. Many of us found solace in support groups. It really helps to be around people who've shared similar experiences. Please take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Abby
Your looking for logical rational answers from an addict. Its not going to happen. His responses are not helping they are causing you further hurt & confusion.
Have you thought about going totally no contact. He is your Ex. Let him be & save yourself.
Just my humble opinion. Thanks
Your looking for logical rational answers from an addict. Its not going to happen. His responses are not helping they are causing you further hurt & confusion.
Have you thought about going totally no contact. He is your Ex. Let him be & save yourself.
Just my humble opinion. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I got high in rainy days sunny days good days bad days with good friends (who didn’t know) with bad “friends” who used me for various things
I loved my parents and others in my own selfish way, but god forbid they get in my way of using. Could I have stopped for someone else early on? Maybe briefly.
But over time the addiction grows worse and worse and then it doesn’t matter who tries to stop you, your dying mother, your own child, you name it... once the addiction takes over, there is no one and nothing but the addict themselves who can decide they’re reached bottom
The 3 C’s as they say in al anon. You didn’t cause it, you control it, you can’t cure it
I loved my parents and others in my own selfish way, but god forbid they get in my way of using. Could I have stopped for someone else early on? Maybe briefly.
But over time the addiction grows worse and worse and then it doesn’t matter who tries to stop you, your dying mother, your own child, you name it... once the addiction takes over, there is no one and nothing but the addict themselves who can decide they’re reached bottom
The 3 C’s as they say in al anon. You didn’t cause it, you control it, you can’t cure it
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