aykay89

I’ll make this as brief as I can, because I know it is a story that has been told countless times before. My (ex, at the moment?) boyfriend and I are both recovering alcoholics. He was sober for almost two years while we were together, and I recently had my second sober anniversary in September. We ended up separating this past spring, and I moved out. The past seven months have been filled with more highs and lows than I have ever experienced in any other relationship, and it seems like every three or four weeks, things spiral out of control and we are back to arguing, not speaking, and hurting. A week or so prior to Halloween, we had a huge heart to heart and he seemed so serious about it when he said he couldn’t imagine the holidays without me, that he loved me, that I was the only one who stuck by him despite how he treated me. Just before Thanksgiving, he said he wanted to go on yet another break, and I didn’t fight it. A few weeks ago, he attended his sisters wedding, and when I asked him how it went, he said he relapsed and got drunk, not saying anything more than “If I have to get drunk to have a decent conversation with my sisters, then **** it.” I was blown away by this admittance, because we haven’t been on speaking terms but he told me anyway. I was immediately concerned, but he wouldn’t talk to me about it, saying that he was fine and there was nothing to worry over. I happened to bump into his best friend, the person that helped him sober up two years ago, and when he asked me how we were doing and if we had plans, I told him about the relapse and that if he saw him, to make sure that he was doing well. The following day, I received a barrage of hostile text messages, and despite my attempts to explain exactly why I told his friend, he wasn’t having it.

Perhaps it wasn’t my place to tell the only other person that cares for him as much as I do, but I am still wondering if that’s the case, why would he tell me if his relapse to begin with, so nonchalantly?

The last thing I wanted was to upset him, but I’m not sorry that I told his friend. I’ve lost too many people to addiction and so has he, I don’t want to go to an early funeral.

I’ve been struggling with this relationship for a long time. I’ve often questioned his sobriety, and have somehow been able to keep mine in check. I guess the reason that I am coming to you all is to gain some perspective on the matter. The “go away/come here” factor of this relationship is a killer, and while I have been guilty of the push and pull from being an addict myself, unfortunately it is entirely on him.

I know there is nothing I can do other than leave him be, but it doesn’t soothe the ache any less. As with many relationships I’ve seen involving alcoholics, the good is heavenly and the bad is downright hell. I know this is toxic, but I also know that given the chance, I will place myself right by his side in the hopes that one day he’ll become the man I know he is and that I’ve seen. I feel terrible admitting it, but at least I can, I suppose.

NYCDoglvr

Red flag. You're putting a relationship with an active alcoholic above your sobriety. As a recovering alcoholic (26 years) I've seen the hard way that we alcoholics will choose anything to escape our feelings: food, money, another person, gambling and these will lead us right back to a drink. Do you have a sponsor? If so I really hope you come clean on this. I had the worst relationship of my life in my tenth years with another recovering alcoholic and it was a disaster. I kept it a secret because I knew it was a bad idea.

When you say "support" do you really mean fix? In Alanon we learn that we are also powerless over people, places and things. I'd step up AA meetings and be honest about where you're at.

aykay89

Thank you for pointing that out. I don’t have a sponsor, nor have I worked the twelve steps other than admitting that I am powerless to alcohol and can not control how much I drink when I do. I made the decision to never drink again, and I haven’t, but I know there’s always the chance that I might if I don’t start going to meetings. I keep trying to work up the guys to go, but haven’t. I need to, I know that, but you know. Excuses..

NYCDoglvr

I've learned that even though I haven't had a drink in decades, denial and rationalization are still whispering in my ear. It's the fellowship of AA that has helped me navigate the rough roads of life, the steps and therapy that helped me change from the self-destructive person I once was. A friend who works in a rehab told me that only about 10% of people stay sober. I've seen countless people relapse, some die and others who can't stop drinking. A big hug, I've been where you are and know how rotten it feels.

dandylion

aykay......the "ache" that you speak about won't kill you...but, the relationship might.
It is normal to ache and hurt....really bad...after a breakup ....or. even a threatened breakup in a serious relationship, where you have invested a part of yourself. There is just no getting around that. It lasts for a few weeks to several months...as it gradually fades away....But, it does go away....
I call it the short-term pain for the long term gain......

I recently read where a recovering alcoholic said...."A relationship is like pouring miracle gro on our character defects".......lol....and, I think it does bring everything bubbling to the surface....

AnvilheadII

in the hopes that one day he’ll become the man I know he is and that I’ve seen.

so, not who he is RIGHT NOW, but who you believe you KNOW he can be. that's trying to have a relationship with someone's potential, a hologram. the person he IS has been struggling with sobriety, runs hot and cold, is not consistent in his dealings with you, and sounds like a bit of a jerk.

your sobriety is SO precious, such a gift. embrace it, treat it gently but defend it fiercely. we always have another drink in us, but we may not get another chance at sober. make this count. let him be - you don't have to run him down in the crosswalk, just let him be and pour energy into making your sobriety magnificent!!!