Hopeful , yet hurting.
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Hopeful , yet hurting.
I was on the Internet and found this site. I read a few of the older threads and was reassured that I was in fact not alone.
I met the most amazing man , fell in love with him and now I am confused with our relationship ending and he pulled away.
Two months ago we were talking and I mentioned to him that the 49ers were on that day, he replied I wish I could watch it with you. So plans were made for him to come.
A few hours later he asked me to calll him. This was after he went to a meeting and a therapy session.
He said I want to see you but I can’t, the separation anxiety I get when you leave is so painful and disabling. He described it as his arm being cut off, that he was unable to function.
We live about 1 hour and 40 minutes away.
We talked about marriage and made so many promises for the future. Made lots of plans together, vacations etc.
He told me that he is becoming someone that he is not proud of and embarrassed about who he is. He feels that he has let me down for all the promises that he made.
We both fell madly in love with each other. We are both close to retirement so we would be able to be together more when that happens. He said he did not feel he could wait that long with how he is dealing with the pain of the separation.
I offered to support him in any way I could .
There is so much more to this , but hoping this is enough for anyone who reads this to understand.
AIMH
I met the most amazing man , fell in love with him and now I am confused with our relationship ending and he pulled away.
Two months ago we were talking and I mentioned to him that the 49ers were on that day, he replied I wish I could watch it with you. So plans were made for him to come.
A few hours later he asked me to calll him. This was after he went to a meeting and a therapy session.
He said I want to see you but I can’t, the separation anxiety I get when you leave is so painful and disabling. He described it as his arm being cut off, that he was unable to function.
We live about 1 hour and 40 minutes away.
We talked about marriage and made so many promises for the future. Made lots of plans together, vacations etc.
He told me that he is becoming someone that he is not proud of and embarrassed about who he is. He feels that he has let me down for all the promises that he made.
We both fell madly in love with each other. We are both close to retirement so we would be able to be together more when that happens. He said he did not feel he could wait that long with how he is dealing with the pain of the separation.
I offered to support him in any way I could .
There is so much more to this , but hoping this is enough for anyone who reads this to understand.
AIMH
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Posts: 25,373
Well you don't mention alcohol...so...I'm guessing that you suspect he has a problem with it?
I don't think it's possible to really know someone who lives that far away and who is pushing you away because of shame. Shame and fear is what alcoholics live with 24/7. I'm in recovery myself.
This would stop me from going further:
If he says he's, "becoming," that means he is already...I think if he is saying, "no no," - even if it's veiled in other language, you need to think very carefully about why you want to uproot your life for this. He obviously has some stuff going on and if it's alcohol or any other addiction - run. People with addictions are not good relationship choices.
For whatever reason he is not able. More will be revealed, as they say.
I don't think it's possible to really know someone who lives that far away and who is pushing you away because of shame. Shame and fear is what alcoholics live with 24/7. I'm in recovery myself.
This would stop me from going further:
Originally Posted by AIMH 
He told me that he is becoming someone that he is not proud of and embarrassed about who he is.
For whatever reason he is not able. More will be revealed, as they say.
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That’s a ton of manipulation and implicit demands that you fix him.
At our stage of the game, that level of neediness should be a big red flag. It’s not a compliment...it’s a test to see how far you’ll jump. It may be an unconscious tactic, but the results are the same.
Please, please do NOT change your life to accommodate his implied demands. It will only get worse.
At our stage of the game, that level of neediness should be a big red flag. It’s not a compliment...it’s a test to see how far you’ll jump. It may be an unconscious tactic, but the results are the same.
Please, please do NOT change your life to accommodate his implied demands. It will only get worse.
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I'm sorry, but it just does not sound like this is a person who is ready to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else. I know how hard it can be to accept that someone you see so much potential with is not able to fulfill that potential, but the more you work towards that, the more you will be able to release your pain and disappointment.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Well you don't mention alcohol...so...I'm guessing that you suspect he has a problem with it?
I don't think it's possible to really know someone who lives that far away and who is pushing you away because of shame. Shame and fear is what alcoholics live with 24/7. I'm in recovery myself.
This would stop me from going further:
If he says he's, "becoming," that means he is already...I think if he is saying, "no no," - even if it's veiled in other language, you need to think very carefully about why you want to uproot your life for this. He obviously has some stuff going on and if it's alcohol or any other addiction - run. People with addictions are not good relationship choices.
For whatever reason he is not able. More will be revealed, as they say.
I don't think it's possible to really know someone who lives that far away and who is pushing you away because of shame. Shame and fear is what alcoholics live with 24/7. I'm in recovery myself.
This would stop me from going further:
If he says he's, "becoming," that means he is already...I think if he is saying, "no no," - even if it's veiled in other language, you need to think very carefully about why you want to uproot your life for this. He obviously has some stuff going on and if it's alcohol or any other addiction - run. People with addictions are not good relationship choices.
For whatever reason he is not able. More will be revealed, as they say.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I'm sorry, but it just does not sound like this is a person who is ready to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else. I know how hard it can be to accept that someone you see so much potential with is not able to fulfill that potential, but the more you work towards that, the more you will be able to release your pain and disappointment.
He still keeps me on Facebook. Is it even possible in the future to be friends. Just broken hearted about what we had.
I texted him on thanksgiving and he replied with happy thanksgiving and you are always in my heart.....
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That kind of intensity happens a lot in relationships where addiction is involved. It isn't a sign of emotional health; unfortunately it is usually just the opposite.
Who knows what the future will bring between the two of you. Hopefully he will develop a better sense of self-esteem and self-love. For now though, continued contact is likely just prolonging pain.
Who knows what the future will bring between the two of you. Hopefully he will develop a better sense of self-esteem and self-love. For now though, continued contact is likely just prolonging pain.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
That kind of intensity happens a lot in relationships where addiction is involved. It isn't a sign of emotional health; unfortunately it is usually just the opposite.
Who knows what the future will bring between the two of you. Hopefully he will develop a better sense of self-esteem and self-love. For now though, continued contact is likely just prolonging pain.
Who knows what the future will bring between the two of you. Hopefully he will develop a better sense of self-esteem and self-love. For now though, continued contact is likely just prolonging pain.
I will not contact him.
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I will just say this...at this age, change is really hard. Being pathologically needy isn’t an easy thing to deal with in a puppy, let alone a grown man who is chronologically an adult.
Don’t be confused that you giving more and more is the answer to his problems.
Protect yourself, yes?
ETA: Creating high drama scenarios that push a partner away is pretty classic Addiction 101. It’s a way to protect the space to drink while keeping the loved one on the hook and trying harder.
I hesitate to post this because I don’t want to upset you more, but it’s also possible he’s trying out another relationship. That “I’m becoming someone I’m not proud of” may mean something different than he’s back drinking or using.
Don’t be confused that you giving more and more is the answer to his problems.
Protect yourself, yes?
ETA: Creating high drama scenarios that push a partner away is pretty classic Addiction 101. It’s a way to protect the space to drink while keeping the loved one on the hook and trying harder.
I hesitate to post this because I don’t want to upset you more, but it’s also possible he’s trying out another relationship. That “I’m becoming someone I’m not proud of” may mean something different than he’s back drinking or using.
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Hi, AIMH.
Welcome to SR.
There are a lot of questions in your original post that perhaps will be answered in time.
He can’t see you anymore because he gets so anxious when you leave?
What’s this then?
Don’t know what is going on, but something definitely is.
I am very sorry for your sadness and sense of loss, but applaud your resolve to keep ties cut.
Good thoughts and hugs.
Welcome to SR.
There are a lot of questions in your original post that perhaps will be answered in time.
He can’t see you anymore because he gets so anxious when you leave?
What’s this then?
Don’t know what is going on, but something definitely is.
I am very sorry for your sadness and sense of loss, but applaud your resolve to keep ties cut.
Good thoughts and hugs.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I will just say this...at this age, change is really hard. Being pathologically needy isn’t an easy thing to deal with in a puppy, let alone a grown man who is chronologically an adult.
Don’t be confused that you giving more and more is the answer to his problems.
Protect yourself, yes?
ETA: Creating high drama scenarios that push a partner away is pretty classic Addiction 101. It’s a way to protect the space to drink while keeping the loved one on the hook and trying harder.
I hesitate to post this because I don’t want to upset you more, but it’s also possible he’s trying out another relationship. That “I’m becoming someone I’m not proud of” may mean something different than he’s back drinking or using.
Don’t be confused that you giving more and more is the answer to his problems.
Protect yourself, yes?
ETA: Creating high drama scenarios that push a partner away is pretty classic Addiction 101. It’s a way to protect the space to drink while keeping the loved one on the hook and trying harder.
I hesitate to post this because I don’t want to upset you more, but it’s also possible he’s trying out another relationship. That “I’m becoming someone I’m not proud of” may mean something different than he’s back drinking or using.
He explained that life for him was overwhelming at times.
I found him to be sincere with his words, but do know that he was struggling .
Even before we met he was wanting only to be friends. I should have recognized that as much as he wanted a relationship, he knew he was not ready to be in one.
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close to retirement age..........and still emotionally stunted and unavailable, but super needy. claims he suffers separation anxiety when you are apart, so wants you two permanently apart.
if all of that is true, he is not relationship material.
if only some of it is true, and the rest is the best he could come up, he is not relationship material.
if all of that is true, he is not relationship material.
if only some of it is true, and the rest is the best he could come up, he is not relationship material.
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[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;6703396]close to retirement age..........and still emotionally stunted and unavailable, but super needy. claims he suffers separation anxiety when you are apart, so wants you two permanently apart.
if all of that is true, he is not relationship material.
if only some of it is true, and the rest is the best he could come up, he is not relationship material.[/QUOTE ]
I know in my heart that he was trying , cards flowers, love and his sincere words. That can’t be faked. I know in my heart that he wanted to be that guy for me. I now know he needs to grow more.
if all of that is true, he is not relationship material.
if only some of it is true, and the rest is the best he could come up, he is not relationship material.[/QUOTE ]
I know in my heart that he was trying , cards flowers, love and his sincere words. That can’t be faked. I know in my heart that he wanted to be that guy for me. I now know he needs to grow more.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
Wise words, AIMH.
Hang in there. Who knows what the future holds?
Hang in there. Who knows what the future holds?
The love we share is like no other. Positive thoughts. Just the optimist in me , I do believe in him.
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AMH,
Welcome and all I have to say is run, and don't look back. You have been with a "sober" addict for 6 months. He is very confusing, professing love and missing you, but wants time to figure things out. Hon, this is life with an addict, no rhyme or reason for anything. Makes things so confusing that you don't know if you are coming or going.
"The love we share is like no other". He can say what ever he wants to "suck" you in and it is working. I also had " the love we share is like no other" with my addict of 34 years. But just because you love someone doesn't make his behavior normal. What he is saying and doing is not normal, welcome to alcoholic behavior 101.
Go no contact, cut all ties with him. Your retirement will be the best time of your life. Being sucked in by an addict that has not worked a program and isn't healthy is not my idea of fun.
Good luck my friend, it is not fun to fall in love with an addict. But it has only been 6 months, run while you have a chance.
Welcome and all I have to say is run, and don't look back. You have been with a "sober" addict for 6 months. He is very confusing, professing love and missing you, but wants time to figure things out. Hon, this is life with an addict, no rhyme or reason for anything. Makes things so confusing that you don't know if you are coming or going.
"The love we share is like no other". He can say what ever he wants to "suck" you in and it is working. I also had " the love we share is like no other" with my addict of 34 years. But just because you love someone doesn't make his behavior normal. What he is saying and doing is not normal, welcome to alcoholic behavior 101.
Go no contact, cut all ties with him. Your retirement will be the best time of your life. Being sucked in by an addict that has not worked a program and isn't healthy is not my idea of fun.
Good luck my friend, it is not fun to fall in love with an addict. But it has only been 6 months, run while you have a chance.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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I'm sorry, I will be blunt, because you are near retirement age. I feel that this guy is going to manipulate you, take you for all you are worth, and dump you for his next victim. I just had to get that out right away. The reason I'm saying this is because when I was reading your post, a whole lot of red flags went up for me. It reminded me of the things my STBXAH used to say to me -- he basically professed that he loved me after our second date, saying he could not live with me, etc.... Some time into the relationship, he would find it difficult to be away from me, claiming he could not think or work because of separation anxiety. He was failing life because of separation anxiety. Yet at the same time, he was busying showing a female friend he had recently made photos of me and laughing about my appearance with her (How old is Okatz? Does she look that old to you? Ha ha ha); and when we separated she was posting things on his Facebook page: oh poor Mr. Katz, can I do anything to help you, anything at all? Etc... . There is something fishy going on here. Anvilhead said some things you should probably read again. Also Ariesagain and Sparklekitty. Please initiate no contact ASAP. This guy is not relationship material. He wants someone to look after him... and possibly pay for everything so he can spend all his money on booze. That's what I think, anyway. Please stay away. Also, if you're falling madly in love with anyone, know that madness has nothing to do with love. Know it before life tries to teach you that lesson ---> I'm living proof that there's no such thing as mad love, only crazy people.
Make the most of your retirement and spend it with people who are going to be good for you.
Make the most of your retirement and spend it with people who are going to be good for you.
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