When they stop drinking, but don't get into a recovery program?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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When they stop drinking, but don't get into a recovery program?
I already know how I feel about this, but I assume others have dealt with this as well.
My AH (still living apart and not really talking at all) has been swearing up and down for the past two weeks that he's not drinking. Okay, let's assume I believe him (in truth, I'm almost past caring at all) - I asked him if he's been to therapy, joined a recovery program (or at least tried going to a meeting) and of course it's all...
"I've got this - I am focusing on things that make me happy."
"I don't need the cult of AA to stop drinking."
"I called the therapist and left a message."
Me: "Did you make an appointment?" No answer.
Me: "Have you gone to a meeting or found a secular recovery group?" No answer.
He seems to believe what he is saying, but it just makes me sad.
I feel I am right on the edge of accepting that he is in control of his own life and health and that he is no longer in control of mine. That he can continue to struggle and it doesn't have to hurt me anymore. That there are no words I can say to him that will ever change the way he thinks. He has to find his way on his own. (Perhaps ironically, this experience is also helping me feel a great deal of compassion for my mother, who I watched live out a very similar scenario with my stepfather for many years.)
My AH (still living apart and not really talking at all) has been swearing up and down for the past two weeks that he's not drinking. Okay, let's assume I believe him (in truth, I'm almost past caring at all) - I asked him if he's been to therapy, joined a recovery program (or at least tried going to a meeting) and of course it's all...
"I've got this - I am focusing on things that make me happy."
"I don't need the cult of AA to stop drinking."
"I called the therapist and left a message."
Me: "Did you make an appointment?" No answer.
Me: "Have you gone to a meeting or found a secular recovery group?" No answer.
He seems to believe what he is saying, but it just makes me sad.
I feel I am right on the edge of accepting that he is in control of his own life and health and that he is no longer in control of mine. That he can continue to struggle and it doesn't have to hurt me anymore. That there are no words I can say to him that will ever change the way he thinks. He has to find his way on his own. (Perhaps ironically, this experience is also helping me feel a great deal of compassion for my mother, who I watched live out a very similar scenario with my stepfather for many years.)
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Originally Posted by glenl 
there are no words I can say to him that will ever change the way he thinks.
this experience is also helping me feel a great deal of compassion for my mother, who I watched live out a very similar scenario with my stepfather for many years.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 10
What if, in fact, he has quit drinking?
I only bring this up because it sounds to me like you need to establish boundaries and parameters for *yourself* and what you are going to need/want/plan to do if he does keep drinking.
I have seen many, many people go from absolute gutter drunks to sober and living a happy, productive life without ever touching AA or the big book. Few and far between, to be sure, but it is possible. So if he is actually getting sober on his own, there shouldn't be added criteria from your end on what that looks like *for him*
Have a very clear conversation with yourself and with him about what happens next if he decides to keep drinking. But, what you shouldn't do, in my opinion, is have your idea in your head of what his getting sober looks like for him.
I hope this makes sense!
I only bring this up because it sounds to me like you need to establish boundaries and parameters for *yourself* and what you are going to need/want/plan to do if he does keep drinking.
I have seen many, many people go from absolute gutter drunks to sober and living a happy, productive life without ever touching AA or the big book. Few and far between, to be sure, but it is possible. So if he is actually getting sober on his own, there shouldn't be added criteria from your end on what that looks like *for him*
Have a very clear conversation with yourself and with him about what happens next if he decides to keep drinking. But, what you shouldn't do, in my opinion, is have your idea in your head of what his getting sober looks like for him.
I hope this makes sense!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Alamine
What if, in fact, he has quit drinking?
I only bring this up because it sounds to me like you need to establish boundaries and parameters for *yourself* and what you are going to need/want/plan to do if he does keep drinking.
I have seen many, many people go from absolute gutter drunks to sober and living a happy, productive life without ever touching AA or the big book. Few and far between, to be sure, but it is possible. So if he is actually getting sober on his own, there shouldn't be added criteria from your end on what that looks like *for him*
Have a very clear conversation with yourself and with him about what happens next if he decides to keep drinking. But, what you shouldn't do, in my opinion, is have your idea in your head of what his getting sober looks like for him.
I hope this makes sense!
I only bring this up because it sounds to me like you need to establish boundaries and parameters for *yourself* and what you are going to need/want/plan to do if he does keep drinking.
I have seen many, many people go from absolute gutter drunks to sober and living a happy, productive life without ever touching AA or the big book. Few and far between, to be sure, but it is possible. So if he is actually getting sober on his own, there shouldn't be added criteria from your end on what that looks like *for him*
Have a very clear conversation with yourself and with him about what happens next if he decides to keep drinking. But, what you shouldn't do, in my opinion, is have your idea in your head of what his getting sober looks like for him.
I hope this makes sense!
After 8 years of emotional abuse and broken promises and non-starts at recovery, even if he has, my only thought is "good for him then."
I wish that wasn't the case, but wishing doesn't make it so. The damage has been done. I hit my own bottom with him months ago and have been working on myself to build myself up enough to leave (which I did).
My life isn't about him anymore. It's not my responsibility to save him and it never was.
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Originally Posted by glenl
My life isn't about him anymore. It's not my responsibility to save him and it never was.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
thats very good to read. i suggest something to help you more is to stop asking him what hes done to stop drinking. in asking questions, he still has control over you.
If you decide you're going to stick around, what you *can* control is what you're going to do if he continues to drink. That's it.
You are going to wind up hurting, anxious, and a mess if you have this idea in your head of what his getting sober looks like. That's his business -- and frankly he doesn't need a coach(he can get one if he chooses to) with a plan to get him sober. What he DOES need from you is a clear picture of what YOU *WILL* do if he chooses to continue drinking.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
thats very good to read. i suggest something to help you more is to stop asking him what hes done to stop drinking. in asking questions, he still has control over you.
I no longer ask.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sounds like you are on a right track with your boundaries!
Two years post separation and 1.5 years post divorce - my XAH still keeps me appraised about all his recovery stuff and all the wonderful people who surround him (we have a child together so I am trying to be cordial). I think - good for you, and don't say anything.
During our marriage he always complained about me not being involved/not caring/not willing to discuss his recovery in length, turns out I was doing a right thing all along. He can send updates all he wants - he is not getting any reaction.
Keep at it
Two years post separation and 1.5 years post divorce - my XAH still keeps me appraised about all his recovery stuff and all the wonderful people who surround him (we have a child together so I am trying to be cordial). I think - good for you, and don't say anything.
During our marriage he always complained about me not being involved/not caring/not willing to discuss his recovery in length, turns out I was doing a right thing all along. He can send updates all he wants - he is not getting any reaction.
Keep at it
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Location: New York, NY
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I feel I am right on the edge of accepting that he is in control of his own life and health and that he is no longer in control of mine.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
"Let go or be dragged" is something my sponsor said to me in early recovery. You can do or say nothing that will stop an alcoholic from drinking but you can save yourself. It is hard, a process that takes longer than we want but Alanon can be a huge help in keeping the focus on ourselves, not an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Sobriety is about, Growing up, sobering up and working a program. They say on the forum that you can always tell someone who is working a program, you don't need to be told.
That's great that supposedly he is sober, but it is no longer your head ache. When they start being compassionate, understanding and stop thinking of only themselves, is when it is noticeable. These are the things that make the change.
Continue on your path and keep moving forward. Maybe recovery will finally hit him, but maybe not. Hugs to you, as you are doing great.
That's great that supposedly he is sober, but it is no longer your head ache. When they start being compassionate, understanding and stop thinking of only themselves, is when it is noticeable. These are the things that make the change.
Continue on your path and keep moving forward. Maybe recovery will finally hit him, but maybe not. Hugs to you, as you are doing great.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 48
My ah quit for over a year on his own. He sounds like your ex, completely against therapy or AA. He was horrible to be around when sober. I was almost relieved when he started drinking again BC that meant there was a chance that he'd be pleasant to be around for a hour or so.
One of his good friends quit cold turkey w/o AA and is happy. I almost resent his friend for this! Just kidding of course!!!
Now he thinks because he quit once he doesn't have a problem. Im filing for divorce after the holidays and am getting very impatient. Even when he is being nice and paying attention to the kids I dont waiver about this. I've had too much experience to be in denial about him.
One of his good friends quit cold turkey w/o AA and is happy. I almost resent his friend for this! Just kidding of course!!!
Now he thinks because he quit once he doesn't have a problem. Im filing for divorce after the holidays and am getting very impatient. Even when he is being nice and paying attention to the kids I dont waiver about this. I've had too much experience to be in denial about him.
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My first thought is: more will be revealed. A couple of weeks is like a moment in time...... not enough to base anything on or get an idea of how things are going to progress from here.
I'd start practicing generic responses to stuff like this:
"Ok"
"That's nice."
"Sorry to hear that."
"Uh-huh"
"Hmmmm....." etc.
It sounds like he's "checking in" with you as a way of getting you to engage, IMO.
Originally Posted by glenl
I appreciate that - I am not approaching him to ask. When he was sending me constant updates, I would often respond, "Have you been to a therapy appointment? Have you been to a meeting?" and the discussion would shut down immediately.
I no longer ask.
I no longer ask.
"Ok"
"That's nice."
"Sorry to hear that."
"Uh-huh"
"Hmmmm....." etc.
It sounds like he's "checking in" with you as a way of getting you to engage, IMO.
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