iamme31

After 8 weeks ... I am back! I still truly appreciate the help I have received here. From my initial post, I think it was within '48' hours that I was encouraged enough to seek a doctor and help with my drinking problem. I was too ill from drinking to continue but too afraid to seek help. I will never forget the help that I found here.

I have copied my original post below for anyone who may not remember ...

My update: After drinking 1 liter of vodka per day for 6 months, I came here and found the encouragement to seek help. All was well ... I went through my withdrawals and swore off drinking ... I was certain I would seek-out 'online' AA meetings (due to my job requiring an insane amount of travel ... but I didn't).

I sought the help of a therapist (Once a week) ... who has been trying to help me deal with some past issues that may have caused my behavior ... Or something like that ...

The problem ... I have been sober more days than I have in a while; but I still have relapses ...

The therapy makes me feel crazier than before I stopped drinking and I have had an adverse reaction to both of the medications they tried to put me on ...

I feel crazier than ever. The first medication (an anti-depressant, gave me a seizure that caused me to total my vehicle ... I hit a 'utility pole' and the second medication ... a 'mood stabilizer' has also given me less severe but several 'side-effects' ...)

I don't think medication is the route for me at this point. I have researched natural methods to induce a higher level of 'endorphin' production.

I am not seeking medical advice ... As I will see my doctor for that ...

I'm just feeling all alone again and curious if anyone has been in my shoes or has any advice?

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My original Post: (8 Weeks Ago) ...

I have a lot to say ... That I have not been able to tell anyone else ... So please bare with me.

First: I am a 31 year-old mother of 3. I have been married for 10 years and have a 'seemingly' perfect life. I am the mom who volunteers for everything and tries to help everyone ... I have never been the person who actually needed to be helped. But now ... I do. I don't know how to admit it or tell anyone.

Just writing this is making me cry ...

Until 6 months ago ... I never drank ... literally never. But I would say that I have always suffered from depression and refused to seek any help.

One day ... for some reason ... I picked up a bottle of vodka ... And I haven't put it down since. I drink nearly 1 liter of 80+ proof vodka per day. 6 months and going ... I don't binge drink or only drink in the evening ... I drink vodka from the time I wake-up until I go to sleep. Trying to maintain that 'happy', 'tipsy' feeling I suppose.

At first ... It was fun ... I was more fun ... I swear, even my husband and family liked being around me more. I suddenly wasn't as uptight. We laughed, life seemed great ... Of course, no one knew what the difference was.

Fast forward to now ... It's not fun ... I hate it.

I'm no longer perky, happy or chatty. I don't like to drink anymore ... But not drinking is physically painful.

I can literally only sleep for a few hours at night before I wake-up with the shakes. I started smoking again.

True story: A few nights ago, I woke up after a few hours ... had the shakes ... decided to have a smoke and a drink so I could get some much needed rest. I was sitting on my porch, smoking a cigarette and sipping some vodka ... my stomach was still unsettled from being such an early hour and I literally projectile vomited ... at least 5 feet ... covered a cat and scared the crap out of my dog ... my dog literally backed away and stared at me in fear for 15 minutes.

I need help. Somehow ... with all of my issues, either no one has noticed or cared ... other than the dog.

I know I should get some help ... But I am the only income for my family of 5 ... my husband is a stay-at-home parent ... it just makes sense since I earn the higher income. My family cannot financially afford for me to miss any work.

I started trying to tapper my drinking today ... but mostly, I'm just shaky and miserable. I'm really starting to wonder if it is possible for tapering to work or if I will just be miserable and shaky forever.

Will your body actually adjust to the lesser amount?

Has anyone ever been successful with tapering?

Ilse

Sorry - thought the old post was part of the update.

Meraviglioso

Hi there, I have thought of you and am so glad to see you checking back in.
I am sorry about the medications not working out for you. That sometimes happens to some people. I am also particularly sensitive to medications and suffer from a lot of side effects. Some have been impossible for me to deal with. It took a lot of trial and error and a really good doctor to find something that would help me but that I could tolerate. To do this I had to supply pretty extensive information about what medications I had tried, what worked and what didn't and why the ones that didn't work, didn't work. I would suggest keeping a sheet of paper somewhere where you write this information down. It was pretty difficult for me to piece back together after the fact.
There probably is something out there that would work for you, but it really does come down to trying a bunch of stuff to find what works and then of course dealing with side effects for a while if it doesn't work. A big pain... only you know if you are up to it.
Everyone is completely different, very much so. However, in my personal experience as someone very sensitive to medication side effects, I found the following drugs to be decently well-tolerated: Lexapro, Depakote (mood stabiliser, I had pretty severe hand shakes when I started but it passed), I am now on a low dose of Lithium (another mood stabiliser) and have not had any side effects.

As for the therapy making you feel more crazy, that is really rough, I am sorry for you. I have always had generally good experiences in therapy. Sometimes it can get hard, or annoying or boring even, but I have always found it to be a worthy addition to my week. Why do you feel crazier? Do you think it is what is coming up in your sessions or is it the doctor? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right psychologist with whom you click and can really get meaningful work done. I know it is frustrating, like the medication, trial and error. The thing with therapy is that you really have to give it a few sessions- so a lot of your time and money- to find if it is working for you or not. But if it is not don't be afraid to cut ties and find a new therapist. It is nothing offensive, it is just a matter of personal style and whether or not you feel totally comfortable with someone.


I think it also is important to be said that you are still in a phase where you are finding your equilibrium after deciding to quit. The relapses don't help- not that I need to tell you that. But they only prolong you getting completely clean from alcohol and therefore allowing your brain and body the ability to heal. Even when you finally get clean there are a lot of ups and downs to deal with and it is normal to feel kind of ungrounded, lonely, confused, among a host of other emotions.

We are here with you every step of the way, you can do this. I am very proud of how far you have come.

Dee74

Hi Iamme

I'm not sure if you were drinking when you were on the meds but that could go some way to explaining the bad reactions?

You had a pretty good plan in theory.
I think you need to follow through and do all the things you said you were goign to do tho.

Make it a priority. Everyone's busy but I put recovery work on the same level as showing, cleaning your teeth...maybe even more so...sometimes in the early days it was as important as breathing.

Recovery work is essential - if you want change.

D

iamme31

Thank you so much for your replies!

With my first medication (Anti-depressant) I was not drinking at all. It was after my car accident and with the second medication (mood stabilizer) that my relapse came ...

I didn't tell anyone other than my husband about my drinking problem (and my doctor of course) ... I felt that it was my own experience to share; when I was ready ... but after my car accident ... the first question everyone wanted to know was 'if I was drinking' ... It was then that I realized that my husband had told everyone about my struggles ... I felt betrayed ... As if it was my story to tell when I was ready ... Not his. I am not certain why, but that made me want to drink again.

Since last night, I have found a local 'AA' group that meets on the same days that I have my therapy ... So I guess 'Tuesdays' will be my new day for reflection on my sobriety.

Drinking could possibly be contributing to the 'side-effects' associated with my second medication ... And once again, I feel encouraged to be honest at my next appointment (Tuesday) to see if and medication change is in order; or if it could just be my drinking.

I come here for the honesty and for the reaffirmation of what I probably already know deep-down but don't yet have the courage to do ... So, thank you all again!

This is much tougher than I expected ... and I guess I thought I could 'half-ass' it and be okay ... That doesn't appear to be a valid thought process at this point ...

I think the therapy makes me feel crazier ... because I have spent a lifetime convincing myself that I have a perfect life ... and now I can't hide that ... I'm not perfect and I must accept and realize that. I'm not a prude, I've just been hiding from myself and reality. It's tough to accept.

Anyway, that you all again ... I will try not to be a stranger again

Strugglingtoget

Some medications make it more difficult for certain people to abstain from alcohol.
That makes it important that the prescribing physician be fully aware of your addiction issues with alcohol and that she/he be experienced treating people with addiction issues.

biminiblue

An update. Well, sounds like you're having some ups and downs.

My experience with medications is that I can't take them. I truly have a metabolic genetic reason. After many failed attempts (adverse drug reactions) with various prescriptive drug regimens I got myself tested for drug metabolism. It is called a pharmacogenomic test and has been used successfully for over 20 years to determine the drugs that are safe/not safe for individuals.

Mayo Research - Pharmacogenomics

So with that done, I had to find natural means. It was found that I don't metabolize certain drugs due to my particular metabolic makeup and that led to toxic reactions.

Exercise, healthy home-prepared balanced meals, low caffeine intake, controlled carbs, prayer, meditation. I would call food and exercise my Meds.

Therapy. I tried several different therapy attempts over the years and found the process to be more frustrating than anything else. I found more success through reading books and the Bible. It's tough working through old stuff, and especially in early sobriety when emotions are right at the surface.

I think in both things, it's important to have professionals to work with who are specialists in addiction medicine. "Regular" doctors (and especially if you're seeing that one who did your detox, who you say had no clue...God bless him) are not going to be sensitive to or educated in the unique medical and psychological needs of an addict/alcoholic.

I know you can find your way, but the most important thing is to listen to your own inner wisdom.

Don't pick up a drink again. I know for a fact there was very little real healing when alcohol was still part of my life. It's far more important to stop drinking than to figure out the "why" right now. Can you make today a real Day One? Never again?

iamme31

Well, I have been a lot of things in my life ... But a liar isn't particularly one of them (this is based on your: Can today be your 'true' day one question; addressed later in the post) ... Luckily, the people in my 'day-to-day' life, don't ask many questions ... Though I do occasional sense looks of 'empathy' at this point lol ...

Luckily, the doctor and therapist I am currently seeing work at a Christian based facility that specializes in addiction and mental heath issues ...

I have made a note of the Pharmacogenic testing and am going to do more research on this ... I'm new to taking medications and it truly bothers me that my first one had such severe effects ... and the second has questionable side-effects (I only say questionable because I did have a relapse that may have contributed) ...

Can I make today my true first day? ... (I like that, and have also saved it as a personal note ... It just feels like something I would like to read again, every day ...)

I can make today my first day ... but it is day two, three and four that I fear ... I made it so many weeks in the beginning but now I feel weak again. I'm whinny LOL!

Funny you should mention carb moderation ... My body thrives on low carb diets (despite any controversy) ... My mind and body both do best on them. I suspect a physiological difference; my husbands body doesn't thrive on them ... so we are all different.

My own research on ways to naturally induce higher levels or serotonin and dopamine have pointed me in a better direction of diet and exercise that I abandoned while drinking (but just started again; Yay!) ...

As for the bible and religion ... My therapist says that I am empty and searching ... And I think it may be time to go back ... When I am 'religious', I am devout, when I am not, I am void. Food for my own thought ... I have been thinking heavily of this lately (especially while I was drinking again) ... Religion certainly isn't everyone's cup of tea ... but I think I have an evening mass to attend tonight

biminiblue

When you first posted in your first thread I wasn't sure you understood the physiological issue of addiction. I even posted about it in the later part of one of your threads, here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6649368 (Has anyone ever called the 24 Hour AA Hotline?)

There isn't going to be a time in the future when you (or I ) can drink again safely. That line is crossed.


Religion...spirituality...very different things. I am Christian but I don't consider myself religious. There are many great works of literature and healing, including the AA literature - which I also linked in that post.

Good luck to you. Be done, yeah? Then the real healing begins.

iamme31

Thank you! I will definitely be doing more reading and taking things more seriously in 'round two' ...

iamme31

By the way ... I did go back and 're-read' your post. You were correct and I will be reading the big book