Missmac35

Ok so my ex ab is currently on a binge again on Xanax and heroin and who knows what else. We have a 3 month old baby but I split with him when I was pregnant due to his lies and constant drug benders. Since then he stays straight for 3 weeks max and then he’s wasted constantly for 3 weeks and so on. Infact it’s actually always been that cycle.
He always come back begging to see his son, promises he will be staying straight this time. Never touching drugs again blah blah. He’s a great dad when he’s straight and you can see how much he love his son.
However he has done really awful things when he’s has been high, he has treated me so badly stolen, lied constantly, disappeared over and over I’ve no trust left. He was seeing his son regularly for the past 3 weeks prior to this latest binge and I’m now prepared to cut him off completely. I’m sick of him choosing to get high, lie and just get as wasted as he likes while I’m caring for our son.
My point is I’m angry and the anger helps. I feel so angry that he has chosen to be with the scummy junkies and chase a high all day instead of being with his family. Like I’m insulted that it feels like we are just not as good or worth it. I hate what he has done and who he is now.
But there is always a part of me that ends up missing the good striaght him and how loving and sweet he can be. I convince myself he must be hurting and miserable taking all these drugs and stealing off me and lying and he would give anything to stop and he’s not really a bad guy.
The rational side tells me he’s a scumbag user who will try to have his cake and eat it and loves getting high.
He has told me how much he loves drugs and I believe that no we are not enough he will never give up his love for them even if he has colllapsed veins and sezuires as a result. It at the same time he tells me he’s so in love with me and will do anything to put it right and never wants to lose me. That he will give all drugs but boom 3 weeks in same old.
He sent me some really nasty voicemails last night accusing me of sleeping with someone and having men in my home. He knows that is rubbish ( I changed my phone number today to prevent him contacting me) but he’s been hallucinating apparently so I’ve been told. I’m so scared he will die. I’m so scared of how I willl feel. I love so much the straight version but despise the addict one. Which is the real one!?!?!
This a ramble I apologise but what I’m really saying is that I want to feel ok about thinking what I believe to be the truth rather than feel he has a problem he can’t help it and I love him and feel sorry for him because he must hates that he hurts us. I’m so confused about what to feel anymore.

53500

Missmac, both the straight, loving man and the abusive man who deserts his family to get high are HIM. That's who he is. He told you he loves getting high and he shows you that. He says he loves you and his son - and I suppose on some level he does but that level is NOT GOOD ENOUGH, particularly not for his helpless infant son.

It's not good enough for you either, but you are an adult and can make choices. I'm so glad you split with him while you were pregnant. That was a positive healthy choice for you and your baby.

I encourage you to stay far away from him and do not let him near your baby unless he seeks recovery and lives it, sober and honest, for a year at the very least.

You should, if the truth is (1) This cycle of going off the rails shows zero signs of changing and (2) You need to keep this unstable, untrustworthy man away from your child.

Good move changing your phone number! Hang in there, stay strong, your instincts are good. Seek out face to face support. I hope you have family / friend support with the baby. God bless.

HardLessons

Hi MissMac35

There came a point in time for me & my relationship with my addict, where in spite of still loving her & caring about her, I had to make a decision. I either had to take control of the situation & put a stop to the madness or continue and go down the tubes with her. I felt it was a life or death type decision.

It was an extremely difficult decision. But honestly there was only one choice. I chose in June of this year to end the relationship. I chose to save myself.

From reading what you wrote above, you are at a point where you need to make a decision. From my experience, heroine addicts cant go three weeks without using. Once addicted to heroine, they can only for a period of hours before horrendous withdrawal kicks in. They will do absolutely anything to avoid that withdrawal.

I hope you chose to save yourself & your child. I do understand it's your decision to make & not mine.

Please take care - Thanks

Missmac35

Thanks for your replies and I appreciate the comments. Yeah I know I have to be done for good. It makes it so much easier to be angry and hate him and see his actions as the actions of a nasty horrible man rather than a poor victim with an uncontrollable disease. Part of me really struggles with how to view him. Should it even matter how I view him? Just need to focus on me and my son I know. Easier when I can cut off from emotions.
Is it true that not every addict lies steals and cheats? They still have a level of control? His family hate me for not sticking by him and act like he’s trying to block out some awful pain (he’s told me this isn’t true he just like being high) and he can’t help himself , that I’m cruel and a bitch giving up on him.
I believe that he is a bad person who is as selfish as they come. Who took full advantage of my kinder as and forgiveness and used me and my home in order to have his lifestyle. I think he knew I would keep forgiving every drug binge so carried on. I think he knows full well that he has no intentions of giving up drugs no matter how much he pretends to me he is and for that I despise him as I truely believe he has control over it. He on a mehtadone program

53500

He is absolutely NOT a "poor victim with an uncontrollable disease". Addicts recover when they want to badly enough. It is exceedingly difficult but it happens. There are many stories on these forums of addicts who are now in long-term recovery.

Look at his actions. Actions don't lie. You have no trust in him for good reasons: he can't be trusted.

Missmac35

I agree and that’s my strength I feel. They only recover when THEY WANT to. He doesn’t want to therefore his eyes that’s a preferred lifestyle to me and my son. Fair enough. I’m allowed to hate him for that. I’m allowed to move on and care only for mine and my sons happiness without guilt. God knows I’ve tried so hard over the years to help him get and stay clean. It’s completely a choice. I think I get my head messed up when I read these articles saying that addicts have no control because their brain chemistry is messed up and that they don’t want to do drugs and hurt but they can’t help it and just need love and a non judgemental ear.
I’ve been these things and got abused for it. His family enable him in all the worst ways possible. His ex allows their 2 kids to see him at their grandmas house even though he is high as a kite and sometimes unable to even walk or talk and she knows this but she thinks as long as it’s supervised by his mum that’s ok. His family don’t remove the kids from seeing him like this. I think he thinks as I am stopping contact with our son that I am being unreasonable as his mum will supervise but she just lets him sit there high. She gives him money to get high. It’s awful. They are all so toxic and disfunctional that I think I’ve been so used to it I’ve forgotten what functioning families look like.
Anyway I’m glad you all responded and I feel confident in trusting my own judgement of him and not allowing my soft nature to feel pity and empathy for him anymore

AnvilheadII

there are SOME addicts that fall into the "can't help it" category, but they are in pretty deep and pretty far gone. from all you've shared your ex does NOT fall into that category - he is capable of making choices, lots of them, he just refuses to make a certain choice. he states he likes drugs, he makes zero effort to find a path forward.

so - leave him to it. no sense trying to HELP someone with something they DO NOT WANT help with. teaching a pig to sing and all that.......

Missmac35

Absolutely I agree. Took me long enough to actually believe this. The amount of times he swore he doing it this time, had enough, never touching drugs again. I think I get confused sometimes with him wanting a family too but it seems he likes a few weeks binging and then coming back home and making all the promises and doing it on the sly. Must get a buzz out of deceiving me too. Seeing what he can get away with. Well no more. It’s been a while week since I caught him out again and that was the last time. Stepping off the merry go round for good. Just need to keep telling myself he will NEVER be the straight him, the nice loving man I thought he was again