viola71

I am having such a hard time. Today is my DD 18th birthday. She hasn't seen her Dad in about a month. She invited him to her last choir concert and its christmas music with a sing along portion its actually quite fun. He planned on coming. He texted her early in the day telling her that he wasn't sure if he would make it because of the flight delays(he was traveling for business). He made it home in plenty of time to go but didn't. Here's the thing when he does see her to give her our joint bday present (computer for college) I know he will continue with the lie. Its not my place to tell her, and her knowing would just hurt her. Here I am feeling like I am covering for that selfish A**hole again. How do you guys deal with the knowing. I know every subtle sign, I can hear them, see them and even read them in his correspondence. How do you deal with knowing that AH draws your kids in closer with lies. Everything comes out in the end how do you watch it happen and not be full of rage?

Mango blast

Alanon/Alateen/Alakid for them, along with Alanon for us.

DS10 started going 3 years ago. It's a safe place for all of us to find our voices, know our truth and get to sort out what actions of other people are saying loud and clear.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/

dandylion

Viola.....it did fill me with anger! This was many years ago, when the kids were younger....they are grown adults, now. It was hard.
One thing that did help, was when I fully accepted that he was going to be self-centered and irresponsible toward his children. He was simply not going to be the conscientious and nurturing parent that I had wanted him to be (for the sake of the children). I lowered the bar very, very low. The less I expected--the less I was disappointed. I detached from that man as much as humanly possible...given that we still had dependent children together.
I did try very hard to do what we are advised to do--not "talk bad" about their father around them or to them....but it was hard!! I practically ground my teeth to nubbins..lol....
When I saw the children disappointed--that was the hardest part....the only thing that I could do was allow them to freely express their disappointment...and let them know that I felt their pain and understood their feelings and that they were entitled to feel bad....
Like...instead of saying "your dad is a jerk" (he was)....I would say things, like---Oh, honey, I know you are disappointed or angry at him...I would feel the same way, If I were in the same situation.....and, hug them....
As they grew older...they began to be able to "read" him, themselves.....and, as adults, they will freely say that they know what he is like....
I agree with you...I wouldn't tell her that he was in town and didn't see her...she might find out--she might not. I don't see any need to point out things that will hurt her, even more.
As a young adult...she will have to learn to deal with him, on her own, without you as the buffer...and, she will...We can't shield them from the realities of life, forever.....life is full of disappointments, big and small, and we al have to learn (eventually) how to roll with the punches.....sigh.....
However...I wouldn't lie to her......
Your relationship with her, in the future will be better if she know that she can trust the things that you say.....

This isn't easy...it is hard!
Just try to not let it overtake you....try to re-channel the anger, the best as you can.....otherwise it will just eat at you, inside...and he will just be skipping, happily, down the lane.....

maia1234

V,
Disappointment in life sucks, and especially when your kids hurt. All I do now is just tell them I m sorry that dad hurt you. I apologize to them for his behaviour. It is part of life when you are dealing with a self centered addict, but will continue for life with the kids, if he continues to drink.

Kids know whats going on, he is not getting a free pass with crap he pulls . They know who they can count on, trust and know who is always in their corner. Just love them with all your heart, as I am sure you do.

Maudcat

Hi, Viola.
I like Dandy’s advice about distancing and keeping expectations low.
It’s difficult to see our children disappointed, but I firmly believe that eventually all those chickens come home to roost.
I have no expectations of my alcohol addict sib, who lives with my mom.
Frankly, I am amazed that he gets the trash out on the right day!
I sure get your anger, though.
I am angry at my sib All. The. Time.
My only comfort is that, eventually, I won’t have to deal with him anymore.

Mango blast

How are you and DD doing today?

viola71

Doing well. One of her friends had planned a surprise so I had to get her ready without her knowing and she was truly surprised. She will come home for dinner and we plan on watching her favorite movie in our pajamas and finally cutting her birthday cake. She seems unphased she doesn't know the truth. I just keep reminding myself that I can only help pick up the pieces but I can't keep him from disappointing her again and again. I used to laugh at my Dad when I was younger he always wanted to move our family to a private island I totally get it now. I want so much to protect her but thats not really living either and she is now an adult. I thought raising my DS - autistic was patience building but I am starting to think that was just a test run or training for the patience I'm gonna need now