Seeking advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Seeking advice
Hello
I have spent the evening reading here, on this forum.
I have a question. I don't know if you can help me, or provide thoughts and opinions.
It concerns my soon to be ex husband (we are in the process of getting divorced).
I'm way beyond the point of thinking/hoping that he would change/improve, or that I could help him change. The help and advice is mainly for me, to help me on my journey in understanding things and gaining some sort of perspective.
So, I think you know how the story goes...we met when we were quite young. He was very extrovert, charming, the life and soul of the party.
There were probably some warning signs early on to do with his general demeanour (a strong selfish streak perhaps), his alcohol consumption (pretty hard core and extreme I'd say), and maybe also his lifestyle in general (which was very linked to his profession).
But we/I was young and I'm a very 'live and let live' kind of person. I think I probably noticed these warning signs, but I let them slide.
Anyway, we were together and after three years we got married. He started to establish himself in his work and became extremely successful. He was very talented and also very charming and sociable. He was good with people, so people liked him and liked working with him.
Fast forward a good number of years into our marriage (maybe 9 or 10?) and I start suffering from quite a serious stress related illness, which takes me a few years to learn to manage and deal with. It's at this point that I start to really need my H's help and support (like our marriage vows said, 'in sickness and in health'), as I'm learning to deal with this illness.
Instead of helping me and supporting me, it's at this point, or just after, H's behaviour starts on a sliding scale of increasing disrespect towards me. There are increasing levels of alcohol consumption, and increasingly risky and damaging behaviour to himself and to me as well as a result of being drunk. There are a number of emotional affairs, and then physical affairs (with girls much, much younger than me). I unfailingly point out what it going on and the effect it's having on me. He denies it all and stonewalls me repeatedly and carries on regardless.
At the same time his career becomes ever more stratospheric and stellar. And of course, with that, the pressures are ever greater. I help him deal with it all, unfailingly.
Until 5 years into all of this this (and now just over 2 years ago), he (out of the blue for me) leaves. He leaves everything behind, just takes a bag with some clothes. Two weeks later he texts me (I kid you not, after 15 years of marriage and 18 years of being together) to say that he thinks we should separate. There's no discussion of what that means, no discussion of how to sort out anything legal or financial...nothing.
Anyway, you get a lot of time to think in this situation. And I piece together that he'd been having an affair (on/off probably) with a much, much younger work colleague over the previous three years.
9 months after leaving me she's pregnant with his child.
My question is this. Logically I know that change requires hard work, a lot of hard work. Whether he's an alcoholic or not is really irrelevant. The amount he was drinking and the frequency of it was causing serious issues between us, it was causing issues with his own family relationships, and was probably damaging his health and was also probably affecting his work too (one of his colleagues said to me, afterwards, 'we all know how much he drinks'. Someone else, another colleague, said he had a reputation for being 'wild').
He **did** admit that he had a problem with alcohol in the last year we were together, but refused to do anything about it.
He's gown up with very heavy drinking parents, especially his father, who I think is probably an alcoholic. His father is at the stage where he's taking tablets for blood pressure and shouldn't be drinking at all according to doctors, but he still carries on. His solution to any issue is to get aways from it and drink.
Anyway, when STBX AH left, as a parting shot to me, he lost his temper big time and blamed me for **everything** saying that it was a mistake to even have gotten married. He told me I was controlling, amongst other things.
Now, I know **logically** there's a lot of issues he was dealing with, and they're really to do with him rather than me. But I can't shake the feeling of not having been quite 'enough' for him, for having been lacking in some way, that it was so bad for him that he had to replace me with a much younger and incredibly successful young woman (and I mean logically, who would even have an affair with a married man? Is that not a total nightmare of a situation for starters?). In spite of that, I can't stop thinking that having gotten me out of the way, he would have suddenly transformed into a wonderful, loving, doting father and an incredibly loving, attentive (and sober) life partner to this other woman.
Please someone set me straight...
I have spent the evening reading here, on this forum.
I have a question. I don't know if you can help me, or provide thoughts and opinions.
It concerns my soon to be ex husband (we are in the process of getting divorced).
I'm way beyond the point of thinking/hoping that he would change/improve, or that I could help him change. The help and advice is mainly for me, to help me on my journey in understanding things and gaining some sort of perspective.
So, I think you know how the story goes...we met when we were quite young. He was very extrovert, charming, the life and soul of the party.
There were probably some warning signs early on to do with his general demeanour (a strong selfish streak perhaps), his alcohol consumption (pretty hard core and extreme I'd say), and maybe also his lifestyle in general (which was very linked to his profession).
But we/I was young and I'm a very 'live and let live' kind of person. I think I probably noticed these warning signs, but I let them slide.
Anyway, we were together and after three years we got married. He started to establish himself in his work and became extremely successful. He was very talented and also very charming and sociable. He was good with people, so people liked him and liked working with him.
Fast forward a good number of years into our marriage (maybe 9 or 10?) and I start suffering from quite a serious stress related illness, which takes me a few years to learn to manage and deal with. It's at this point that I start to really need my H's help and support (like our marriage vows said, 'in sickness and in health'), as I'm learning to deal with this illness.
Instead of helping me and supporting me, it's at this point, or just after, H's behaviour starts on a sliding scale of increasing disrespect towards me. There are increasing levels of alcohol consumption, and increasingly risky and damaging behaviour to himself and to me as well as a result of being drunk. There are a number of emotional affairs, and then physical affairs (with girls much, much younger than me). I unfailingly point out what it going on and the effect it's having on me. He denies it all and stonewalls me repeatedly and carries on regardless.
At the same time his career becomes ever more stratospheric and stellar. And of course, with that, the pressures are ever greater. I help him deal with it all, unfailingly.
Until 5 years into all of this this (and now just over 2 years ago), he (out of the blue for me) leaves. He leaves everything behind, just takes a bag with some clothes. Two weeks later he texts me (I kid you not, after 15 years of marriage and 18 years of being together) to say that he thinks we should separate. There's no discussion of what that means, no discussion of how to sort out anything legal or financial...nothing.
Anyway, you get a lot of time to think in this situation. And I piece together that he'd been having an affair (on/off probably) with a much, much younger work colleague over the previous three years.
9 months after leaving me she's pregnant with his child.
My question is this. Logically I know that change requires hard work, a lot of hard work. Whether he's an alcoholic or not is really irrelevant. The amount he was drinking and the frequency of it was causing serious issues between us, it was causing issues with his own family relationships, and was probably damaging his health and was also probably affecting his work too (one of his colleagues said to me, afterwards, 'we all know how much he drinks'. Someone else, another colleague, said he had a reputation for being 'wild').
He **did** admit that he had a problem with alcohol in the last year we were together, but refused to do anything about it.
He's gown up with very heavy drinking parents, especially his father, who I think is probably an alcoholic. His father is at the stage where he's taking tablets for blood pressure and shouldn't be drinking at all according to doctors, but he still carries on. His solution to any issue is to get aways from it and drink.
Anyway, when STBX AH left, as a parting shot to me, he lost his temper big time and blamed me for **everything** saying that it was a mistake to even have gotten married. He told me I was controlling, amongst other things.
Now, I know **logically** there's a lot of issues he was dealing with, and they're really to do with him rather than me. But I can't shake the feeling of not having been quite 'enough' for him, for having been lacking in some way, that it was so bad for him that he had to replace me with a much younger and incredibly successful young woman (and I mean logically, who would even have an affair with a married man? Is that not a total nightmare of a situation for starters?). In spite of that, I can't stop thinking that having gotten me out of the way, he would have suddenly transformed into a wonderful, loving, doting father and an incredibly loving, attentive (and sober) life partner to this other woman.
Please someone set me straight...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation and the pain you are feeling.
Your husband may change when he moves on or he may not. I hope that he seeks support for his alcoholism.
It might be an idea for you to check out AlAnon in your city, as a support for you. Also, we have a forum for Friends & Families which you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I'm sorry for your situation and the pain you are feeling.
Your husband may change when he moves on or he may not. I hope that he seeks support for his alcoholism.
It might be an idea for you to check out AlAnon in your city, as a support for you. Also, we have a forum for Friends & Families which you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by MessyGirl 
I can't stop thinking that having gotten me out of the way, he would have suddenly transformed into a wonderful, loving, doting father and an incredibly loving, attentive (and sober) life partner to this other woman.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Oh hun, I feel for ya. What a tool!!!! Sorry.
Yea, I highly doubt he'll change, unless he gets sober through a program and actually works it.
The mid life crisis will catch up to him, one way or another.
Yea, I highly doubt he'll change, unless he gets sober through a program and actually works it.
The mid life crisis will catch up to him, one way or another.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Your husband sounds narcissistic. The part about demeaning you when you were sick. Classic
You worry this other woman is going to get this great prize, him, because he going to suddenly change. Get sober, be more attentive, less selfish, etc.
It doesn’t work that way. He will treat her badly as well and cheat on her too. It was not you; it is him.
You worry this other woman is going to get this great prize, him, because he going to suddenly change. Get sober, be more attentive, less selfish, etc.
It doesn’t work that way. He will treat her badly as well and cheat on her too. It was not you; it is him.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Be grateful he's going to be your ex, and will not subject you to more of his mean ways. You deserve to be loved and not demeaned. 
And no, his behavior is not your responsibility.
And no, his behavior is not your responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
When I was still drinking nothing and no one was enough, nor ever could be.
Because the hole I was trying to fill couldn't be filled with other people or stuff. It could only be filled by getting sober, recovering, and healing that hole by finding the bit of me I had lost. My integrity, my conscience, and my self-honesty,
An alcoholics natural state is being restless irritable and discontent. There is often a lot of not-enoughness involved. Both towards ourselves (hence feeling the need to act out and be 'larger than life') and oyr families, jobs, loved ones and life.
You did not cause this, nor could you control it or cure it. No matter who you were or what you did. Honestly.
Can I suggest reading around the friends and family area, especially their stickies. Perhaps giving AlAnon a try as well, even though you're not with your qualifier any more, his impact is still on you.
Wishing you all the best for an alcoholic-free life, recovery and serenity.
You deserve better. Now you can focus on you.
BB xx
PS I feel sad for his new young thing. She has, no doubt, been swept away by his facade. That very extrovert, charming, life and soul of the party man that you once met. It won't be long before the crack show if he is still active or without recovery. Alcoholics can be very, very charming. They do the whole head over heels into love, all-or-nothing, very well. But as far as dealing with the reality of love, that isn't really possible. After all, love is not gazing into someone's eyes in the hope of spotting yourself there. It's both facing the same direction, making sacrifices for each others good, putting each others well being over making ourselves feel good. Don't waste too much energy resenting her, or wishing you were the chosen one. She is to be pitied.
Because the hole I was trying to fill couldn't be filled with other people or stuff. It could only be filled by getting sober, recovering, and healing that hole by finding the bit of me I had lost. My integrity, my conscience, and my self-honesty,
An alcoholics natural state is being restless irritable and discontent. There is often a lot of not-enoughness involved. Both towards ourselves (hence feeling the need to act out and be 'larger than life') and oyr families, jobs, loved ones and life.
You did not cause this, nor could you control it or cure it. No matter who you were or what you did. Honestly.
Can I suggest reading around the friends and family area, especially their stickies. Perhaps giving AlAnon a try as well, even though you're not with your qualifier any more, his impact is still on you.
Wishing you all the best for an alcoholic-free life, recovery and serenity.
You deserve better. Now you can focus on you.
BB xx
PS I feel sad for his new young thing. She has, no doubt, been swept away by his facade. That very extrovert, charming, life and soul of the party man that you once met. It won't be long before the crack show if he is still active or without recovery. Alcoholics can be very, very charming. They do the whole head over heels into love, all-or-nothing, very well. But as far as dealing with the reality of love, that isn't really possible. After all, love is not gazing into someone's eyes in the hope of spotting yourself there. It's both facing the same direction, making sacrifices for each others good, putting each others well being over making ourselves feel good. Don't waste too much energy resenting her, or wishing you were the chosen one. She is to be pitied.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you for your kind replies.
Obviously, I've focussed on the harder times. There were many, many years of good times too. But I can't quite think about them, it's too painful at the moment.
He's shown himself to be a coward. It's been easier for him to run away from everything (including himself really).
I've understood that not everyone wants to, or is capable, of looking into themselves and doing the work. That's fair enough, you are who you are.
Her? If I was being uncharitable, I would say she's a stupid young girl. I've worked out how it all unfolded, what they probably said to each other in *those* conversations ('I'm so unhappy, my wife doesn't understand me', 'I'll give you whatever you want and need'). We've all heard it a million times before.
She thinks she's the great prize and she's won.
Well, anyway...I've discovered a whole new life for me in the past couple of years. A lot of it is to do with health and wellbeing.
I used to have insomnia, really bad, for years and years. I only ever slept 4 hours a night. A couple of times it was particularly bad I remember only sleeping 2 hours a night. It started wth the stress-related illness, and it wasn't helped by waking up at 4.00am wondering where your H was (out drinking/partying. But now I'm wondering if some of that included OW). Sometimes he would text to let me know where he was going or when he'd be home, sometimes he wouldn't. That would alternate with a spell of being 'off it' and being the healthiest person ever. I never knew how long it would last...a couple of weeks, a month or two? At some point, something would happen, and he would go back to drinking hard core and staying out until 6.00/7.00/8.00 the next morning. It was so stressful.
That's one of the things I noticed after he'd gone and after I got used to the silence. There was no feeling of treading on eggshells in the atmosphere any more.
And guess what? It took a good while, but my insomnia improved. And now I would say that I don't suffer from it any more. I feel so much better for it.
Does he sound like an alcoholic? I know it doesn't really matter. His behaviour was unacceptable (to me). I felt I wasn't quite the centre of his world (emotionally speaking). I felt like I was second best.
Obviously, I've focussed on the harder times. There were many, many years of good times too. But I can't quite think about them, it's too painful at the moment.
He's shown himself to be a coward. It's been easier for him to run away from everything (including himself really).
I've understood that not everyone wants to, or is capable, of looking into themselves and doing the work. That's fair enough, you are who you are.
Her? If I was being uncharitable, I would say she's a stupid young girl. I've worked out how it all unfolded, what they probably said to each other in *those* conversations ('I'm so unhappy, my wife doesn't understand me', 'I'll give you whatever you want and need'). We've all heard it a million times before.
She thinks she's the great prize and she's won.
Well, anyway...I've discovered a whole new life for me in the past couple of years. A lot of it is to do with health and wellbeing.
I used to have insomnia, really bad, for years and years. I only ever slept 4 hours a night. A couple of times it was particularly bad I remember only sleeping 2 hours a night. It started wth the stress-related illness, and it wasn't helped by waking up at 4.00am wondering where your H was (out drinking/partying. But now I'm wondering if some of that included OW). Sometimes he would text to let me know where he was going or when he'd be home, sometimes he wouldn't. That would alternate with a spell of being 'off it' and being the healthiest person ever. I never knew how long it would last...a couple of weeks, a month or two? At some point, something would happen, and he would go back to drinking hard core and staying out until 6.00/7.00/8.00 the next morning. It was so stressful.
That's one of the things I noticed after he'd gone and after I got used to the silence. There was no feeling of treading on eggshells in the atmosphere any more.
And guess what? It took a good while, but my insomnia improved. And now I would say that I don't suffer from it any more. I feel so much better for it.
Does he sound like an alcoholic? I know it doesn't really matter. His behaviour was unacceptable (to me). I felt I wasn't quite the centre of his world (emotionally speaking). I felt like I was second best.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
" And guess what? It took a good while, but my insomnia improved. And now I would say that I don't suffer from it any more. I feel so much better for it"
Good for you and keep moving on and no looking backwards now.
Take care,
V.
Good for you and keep moving on and no looking backwards now.
Take care,
V.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Does he sound like an alcoholic? I know it doesn't really matter. His behaviour was unacceptable (to me). I felt I wasn't quite the centre of his world (emotionally speaking). I felt like I was second best.
I wish you the best in your separation from this toxic relationship and healing before the next. I hear alanon is a pretty great organization and have been meaning to check it out myself; I encourage you to do so as well.
O
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
It sounds like he picked a young, pretty naive thing who will be impressed by his charm and fake facade. She doesn't know the *real* him yet, so it makes him feel good and strokes his ego. He isn't forced to take an honest look at himself and his behaviours, so he doesn't have to change. He can carry on exactly the way he has been.
But eventually the new girl will catch on, and he'll have to either get help or move on again and continue the cycle.
Absolutely, do not for a SECOND believe that you had any hand in his choices & behaviour.
Love and take care of yourself. You deserve so much better.
But eventually the new girl will catch on, and he'll have to either get help or move on again and continue the cycle.
Absolutely, do not for a SECOND believe that you had any hand in his choices & behaviour.
Love and take care of yourself. You deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I am so sorry for all you have been through but now its over. Thank your lucky stars that you are going through the divorce and that it’s slmost over and be excited for your new life without this bad treatment and stress and drama. It’s not you, it’s him and this new woman will soon find out. And she will be having a baby and I am sure that it won’t be easy. But that is not your problem now you must just focus on yourself.
I know it is hard after so many years but today is the first day of the rest of your life and you can make it whatever you want. Like I said before, be excited for what’s coming. The possibilities are and endless. You are already seeing positive results by being able to sleep better. Waking up at four in the morning wondering with your husband is is no way to live. I am glad that that chapter is over for you .
I know it is hard after so many years but today is the first day of the rest of your life and you can make it whatever you want. Like I said before, be excited for what’s coming. The possibilities are and endless. You are already seeing positive results by being able to sleep better. Waking up at four in the morning wondering with your husband is is no way to live. I am glad that that chapter is over for you .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you again.
The baby was born around April, so it's already almost a year old.
I feel like I'm well on my own journey, and I'm absolutely loving it. I know that I have moments when I've been down the wrong train of thought (this is mainly to do with not having the focus on myself, in this present moment), and I try and bring myself back to where I should be. That always works, and it's getting easier.
One of the hardest things I've found is finding out how to 'fill the void'. These people take up so much space, energy and time that it leaves a huge void when they're not around. I know I was panicking about that at first, but I'm learning to look inside myself to find out who I am. I don't feel like I had much of a chance of finding out who I was and what I was about when we were together. I kind of got left behind in all of this.
As I get stronger, I can look inside myself a bit more to find out why I slipped into the role that I did when I was M (I'm pretty sure I already have a few ideas about this).
Actually, I'm thinking about it now and it's not too painful. The harder thing for me I think is to find out who I am, and then to help that to grow in a positive and healthy manner.
I **feel** like I'm on the right track. The comment I've had most often over the past few years is that I look ten years younger. Someone also said I look twenty years younger...lol! And a good few people that I haven't seen for a while haven't recognised me because I look quite different now.
I know that I also need to look after myself physically. One of the things that I was really affected by (particularly in the last couple of years of our M) was my physical health. I'm still suffering the consequences of that, a few years on.
I guess the overall theme here is reconnection. Reconnection with all parts of myself: emotional, spiritual, physical...and exploring all of those things in their various aspects.
Life is good.
The baby was born around April, so it's already almost a year old.
I feel like I'm well on my own journey, and I'm absolutely loving it. I know that I have moments when I've been down the wrong train of thought (this is mainly to do with not having the focus on myself, in this present moment), and I try and bring myself back to where I should be. That always works, and it's getting easier.
One of the hardest things I've found is finding out how to 'fill the void'. These people take up so much space, energy and time that it leaves a huge void when they're not around. I know I was panicking about that at first, but I'm learning to look inside myself to find out who I am. I don't feel like I had much of a chance of finding out who I was and what I was about when we were together. I kind of got left behind in all of this.
As I get stronger, I can look inside myself a bit more to find out why I slipped into the role that I did when I was M (I'm pretty sure I already have a few ideas about this).
Actually, I'm thinking about it now and it's not too painful. The harder thing for me I think is to find out who I am, and then to help that to grow in a positive and healthy manner.
I **feel** like I'm on the right track. The comment I've had most often over the past few years is that I look ten years younger. Someone also said I look twenty years younger...lol! And a good few people that I haven't seen for a while haven't recognised me because I look quite different now.
I know that I also need to look after myself physically. One of the things that I was really affected by (particularly in the last couple of years of our M) was my physical health. I'm still suffering the consequences of that, a few years on.
I guess the overall theme here is reconnection. Reconnection with all parts of myself: emotional, spiritual, physical...and exploring all of those things in their various aspects.
Life is good.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
