Full on quacking and it's really upsetting me
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Full on quacking and it's really upsetting me
He is getting an apartment here in Playa. I was hoping he would go back to his hometown, instead... I have been ignoring his emails, but this one takes the cake.
XXXXX
I am obviously going to ignore him, but man, why is he staying here? What can I do?
XXXXX
I am obviously going to ignore him, but man, why is he staying here? What can I do?
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-07-2017 at 07:36 PM. Reason: Removed unauthorized copy of email.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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You can continue to ignore him and go about your life as you see fit. Or, you can move, I suppose, but I rather think that once it sinks in you are serious about this he will reconsider. That's just going to take time and the maintainance of good boundaries.
You can't control him. He's had ten years to "work in keeping" his commitment to you and nothing you have done has made a dent in his ability to do that. There is literally no reason to think it will now.
There is also no reason to believe that he will behave and do things that a normal, healthy person in this situation would do. He is losing his status quo, and addiction likes nothing more than keeping the status quo afloat. Keep your expectations for how he will handle this low and you won't be blind-sided by whatever tactics he decides to throw at you so that HE doesn't have to change.
You can't control him. He's had ten years to "work in keeping" his commitment to you and nothing you have done has made a dent in his ability to do that. There is literally no reason to think it will now.
There is also no reason to believe that he will behave and do things that a normal, healthy person in this situation would do. He is losing his status quo, and addiction likes nothing more than keeping the status quo afloat. Keep your expectations for how he will handle this low and you won't be blind-sided by whatever tactics he decides to throw at you so that HE doesn't have to change.
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He is leaving to his hometown in 8 days, he just thinks he is going to come back afterwards and live in his new apartment. He can do whatever he wishes, as long as he is OUT of my home. However, I do know that once he is in Toronto, his family will certainly have something to say about returning.
He isn't changing. He hasn't for 10 years, but he sure isn't now.
Going out all night here and there... yeah, and what did you specifically do when you were out the whole night? Oh cocaine, right. Oh, strippers? right... gambled all your savings... right. Yeah, thanks for worrying me that I now am stressed waiting for the blood tests and praying to God I don't have STDs.
He isn't changing. He hasn't for 10 years, but he sure isn't now.
Going out all night here and there... yeah, and what did you specifically do when you were out the whole night? Oh cocaine, right. Oh, strippers? right... gambled all your savings... right. Yeah, thanks for worrying me that I now am stressed waiting for the blood tests and praying to God I don't have STDs.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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It may just be a test to see if he can rope you back in once more. With any luck, he’ll latch onto someone else in Toronto and stay there. Pity it’s winter, though.
What he does or doesn’t do is no longer your problem. He can yammer all he wants.
Sending you a hug.
What he does or doesn’t do is no longer your problem. He can yammer all he wants.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Wow, what a whole boat load of manipulation and emotional blackmail he is trying to put on you. I think you are doing great ignoring him. Don't let any of those oily words he used have any affect on your psyche. Emotional warfare is so slimy but it only works on us if we let it.
Stay strong, and keep maintaining your boundaries. Be aware, he will likely change tactics when this latest one fails to work on you. The addict absolutely hates to be told, "No" or accept any change in their "normal".
Hang in there, you are doing wonderfully!
Stay strong, and keep maintaining your boundaries. Be aware, he will likely change tactics when this latest one fails to work on you. The addict absolutely hates to be told, "No" or accept any change in their "normal".
Hang in there, you are doing wonderfully!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
HUGE HUGS.
You just remember how you felt having your blood drawn and waiting to see if you have an STD if you get weak about him. I hate to say that, but I see that he is going to use your son as a tool to try and wear you down.
This man is not normal. You, AND YOUR SON, deserve more. I do hope you are getting legal advise. Just b/c his brother agrees he should not have custody does not mean the courts where you are located will agree. Not trying to scare you, just advocate for yourself as much as possible.
Again, many hugs!
You just remember how you felt having your blood drawn and waiting to see if you have an STD if you get weak about him. I hate to say that, but I see that he is going to use your son as a tool to try and wear you down.
This man is not normal. You, AND YOUR SON, deserve more. I do hope you are getting legal advise. Just b/c his brother agrees he should not have custody does not mean the courts where you are located will agree. Not trying to scare you, just advocate for yourself as much as possible.
Again, many hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hopeful makes a great point:
When it comes to the legal system and to the families of addicts, what SHOULD happen is not always what DOES happen. Being prepared emotionally and protecting yourself legally are paramount.
When it comes to the legal system and to the families of addicts, what SHOULD happen is not always what DOES happen. Being prepared emotionally and protecting yourself legally are paramount.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
I am going to serve him the divorce papers as they have been drawn. If he wants to contest them, I will take it from there, but I don't want to get over myself, I am prepared either way.
I hate the emotional blackmail in the email he sent me. He doesn't realize how much better his son truly is away from him.
Was it fair that we were locked in the bedroom to avoid his rage and abuse? Was it fair that my son constantly asked where his father was when he was never home?
It's not about the going out all night here and there... it's about much more than that and the one thing that keeps me strong are the photos I took of my son playing with his LEGO beside an out cold father. He wants his son to have a mother and a father?
Yeah, where were YOU when your son wanted to play with you?
I am now more ready than I ever was for whatever and I will die protecting my son from ongoing trauma from this man. I hope he at least has some common sense and doesn't put the son he supposedly loves under more drama with courts and lawyers, but if he does, I am ready to fight.
That's a promise.
I hate the emotional blackmail in the email he sent me. He doesn't realize how much better his son truly is away from him.
Was it fair that we were locked in the bedroom to avoid his rage and abuse? Was it fair that my son constantly asked where his father was when he was never home?
It's not about the going out all night here and there... it's about much more than that and the one thing that keeps me strong are the photos I took of my son playing with his LEGO beside an out cold father. He wants his son to have a mother and a father?
Yeah, where were YOU when your son wanted to play with you?
I am now more ready than I ever was for whatever and I will die protecting my son from ongoing trauma from this man. I hope he at least has some common sense and doesn't put the son he supposedly loves under more drama with courts and lawyers, but if he does, I am ready to fight.
That's a promise.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Soulful 
He is getting an apartment here in Playa. I was hoping he would go back to his hometown, instead... I have been ignoring his emails, but this one takes the cake.
XXXX
I am obviously going to ignore him, but man, why is he staying here? What can I do?
XXXX
I am obviously going to ignore him, but man, why is he staying here? What can I do?
First of all, think about how healthy you are becoming that you even NOTICED that this isn't healthy communication! That's amazing and you should be really proud of that.
Second, you are, as everyone else has said, 100% right - trust yourself. You know this man. You know the history here. He wants things to go back to "normal" - you don't.
Worry about what you want and need and what your son wants and needs. Stop letting him have space in your head rent-free.
Hang in there, it's hard but your life can get better.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-07-2017 at 07:38 PM. Reason: Removed unauthorized copy of email.
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Translating out of PassiveAggressive-ese:
"All the responsibility falls on you, babe. YOU need to let me know whether we can work this out. YOU need to tell me what to do, because I haven't quite figured it out from your reaction to the drinking/drugging/sleeping around. AndYOU need to tell me this really soon because I can't keep the landlord waiting. I promise to stop going out every night (but I'm just making a promise, I haven't actually stopped - now you can think about whether this promise is going to be any stronger than the others). In short, I want you to think about me a lot so I can continue hanging out in your mind and consciousness".
I think your response is very healthy - he can live wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, but you aren't part of it anymore.
"All the responsibility falls on you, babe. YOU need to let me know whether we can work this out. YOU need to tell me what to do, because I haven't quite figured it out from your reaction to the drinking/drugging/sleeping around. AndYOU need to tell me this really soon because I can't keep the landlord waiting. I promise to stop going out every night (but I'm just making a promise, I haven't actually stopped - now you can think about whether this promise is going to be any stronger than the others). In short, I want you to think about me a lot so I can continue hanging out in your mind and consciousness".
I think your response is very healthy - he can live wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, but you aren't part of it anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Translating out of PassiveAggressive-ese:
"All the responsibility falls on you, babe. YOU need to let me know whether we can work this out. YOU need to tell me what to do, because I haven't quite figured it out from your reaction to the drinking/drugging/sleeping around. AndYOU need to tell me this really soon because I can't keep the landlord waiting. I promise to stop going out every night (but I'm just making a promise, I haven't actually stopped - now you can think about whether this promise is going to be any stronger than the others). In short, I want you to think about me a lot so I can continue hanging out in your mind and consciousness".
I think your response is very healthy - he can live wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, but you aren't part of it anymore.
"All the responsibility falls on you, babe. YOU need to let me know whether we can work this out. YOU need to tell me what to do, because I haven't quite figured it out from your reaction to the drinking/drugging/sleeping around. AndYOU need to tell me this really soon because I can't keep the landlord waiting. I promise to stop going out every night (but I'm just making a promise, I haven't actually stopped - now you can think about whether this promise is going to be any stronger than the others). In short, I want you to think about me a lot so I can continue hanging out in your mind and consciousness".
I think your response is very healthy - he can live wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, but you aren't part of it anymore.
I haven't responded to him and I don't plan to. There is nothing to say and I hope my "non responsiveness" is a hint, if it isn't well... not my issue anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Translating out of PassiveAggressive-ese:
"All the responsibility falls on you, babe. YOU need to let me know whether we can work this out. YOU need to tell me what to do, because I haven't quite figured it out from your reaction to the drinking/drugging/sleeping around. AndYOU need to tell me this really soon because I can't keep the landlord waiting. I promise to stop going out every night (but I'm just making a promise, I haven't actually stopped - now you can think about whether this promise is going to be any stronger than the others). In short, I want you to think about me a lot so I can continue hanging out in your mind and consciousness".
I think your response is very healthy - he can live wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, but you aren't part of it anymore.
"All the responsibility falls on you, babe. YOU need to let me know whether we can work this out. YOU need to tell me what to do, because I haven't quite figured it out from your reaction to the drinking/drugging/sleeping around. AndYOU need to tell me this really soon because I can't keep the landlord waiting. I promise to stop going out every night (but I'm just making a promise, I haven't actually stopped - now you can think about whether this promise is going to be any stronger than the others). In short, I want you to think about me a lot so I can continue hanging out in your mind and consciousness".
I think your response is very healthy - he can live wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, but you aren't part of it anymore.
I used a suggested answer on mine yesterday (after the "just tell me what to do wah wah wah" email) - "I am not going to answer that question again."
And lo and behold, after telling him I didn't want him sending any more cheery update manipulation emails (didn't use those words), I have received exactly zero communication from him today.
Because if it's not all about him or all about getting things back to status quo, he doesn't care. He could email and say, "How's your day going?" but to him, what I said effectively meant I was cutting him off. Because I WAS cutting him off - from getting what he wants from me.
Not going to lie though, when I went back to grab something today, I also took the area rug from the living room. I didn't need it, but I really love it and I picked it out. So now it's on the floor of my new room.
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it's interesting.....there are posts here about the STBXA who, after the break up, moved on, made no contact or attempts at contact, and the spouse/partner can't figure it out.
then we get posts where the STBXA does make an "appeal" which is usually a load of hooey, and the spouse/partner can't figure it out.
and sometimes the STBXA actually does make an effort, starts attending meetings, or seeing a counselor, out patient, something, and the spouse/partner is upset that they are spending so much time on their recovery.
i guess my point is, we need to make sure the actions WE take are for us, and not taken as some type of manipulation or leverage to try and instigate change or action on the part of the Addict/Alcoholic. (if i do THIS, he'll do THAT). and remember that the A too is free to respond as s/he deems fit and that we still don't have to take any of it personal.
then we get posts where the STBXA does make an "appeal" which is usually a load of hooey, and the spouse/partner can't figure it out.
and sometimes the STBXA actually does make an effort, starts attending meetings, or seeing a counselor, out patient, something, and the spouse/partner is upset that they are spending so much time on their recovery.
i guess my point is, we need to make sure the actions WE take are for us, and not taken as some type of manipulation or leverage to try and instigate change or action on the part of the Addict/Alcoholic. (if i do THIS, he'll do THAT). and remember that the A too is free to respond as s/he deems fit and that we still don't have to take any of it personal.
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Originally Posted by glenl
I love the Translator!
He could email and say, "How's your day going?" but to him, what I said effectively meant I was cutting him off. Because I WAS cutting him off - from getting what he wants from me.
He could email and say, "How's your day going?" but to him, what I said effectively meant I was cutting him off. Because I WAS cutting him off - from getting what he wants from me.
PS: yes, I would have taken that rug too!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it's interesting.....there are posts here about the STBXA who, after the break up, moved on, made no contact or attempts at contact, and the spouse/partner can't figure it out.
then we get posts where the STBXA does make an "appeal" which is usually a load of hooey, and the spouse/partner can't figure it out.
and sometimes the STBXA actually does make an effort, starts attending meetings, or seeing a counselor, out patient, something, and the spouse/partner is upset that they are spending so much time on their recovery.
i guess my point is, we need to make sure the actions WE take are for us, and not taken as some type of manipulation or leverage to try and instigate change or action on the part of the Addict/Alcoholic. (if i do THIS, he'll do THAT). and remember that the A too is free to respond as s/he deems fit and that we still don't have to take any of it personal.
then we get posts where the STBXA does make an "appeal" which is usually a load of hooey, and the spouse/partner can't figure it out.
and sometimes the STBXA actually does make an effort, starts attending meetings, or seeing a counselor, out patient, something, and the spouse/partner is upset that they are spending so much time on their recovery.
i guess my point is, we need to make sure the actions WE take are for us, and not taken as some type of manipulation or leverage to try and instigate change or action on the part of the Addict/Alcoholic. (if i do THIS, he'll do THAT). and remember that the A too is free to respond as s/he deems fit and that we still don't have to take any of it personal.
I am simply going on with my life without him, because this is the boundary I STRONGLY believe is the best for my son and I. If he chooses to change his life, that's fantastic, if he chooses to continue his path to destruction, that's too bad, but whatever he chooses to do doesn't change the fact that I want a divorce.
I love him, always will and I wish him nothing but the best, and there is a lot that gets stirred when I get his emails. It reminds me of the hope I had and how deeply I believed in what I heard to be true. It hurts, and I am shattered, but at least now I can recognize the discrepancy between his words and his actions and I am strong enough to exercise my right to walk away.
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Hello peeps,
As a reminder, please do not post other people's emails without their permission. I know, it's not a well known rule, but we really want to respect other peeps privacy at all times. So please help us keep SR out of trouble by not posting other peeps emails to you.
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As a reminder, please do not post other people's emails without their permission. I know, it's not a well known rule, but we really want to respect other peeps privacy at all times. So please help us keep SR out of trouble by not posting other peeps emails to you.
thanks
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