Love and addiction - The will to do good for the beloved
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Love and addiction - The will to do good for the beloved
This can be hard.
This can be painful for the beloved, and for us.
This can mean taking an action that 'does not answer to us'--in other words, it may not specifically benefit us or make us feel good or happy to do that which is best for the addicts in our lives.
Using children as an example, this idea becomes more clear.
A child wants candy and ice cream to eat 24/7. Do you give it to them? It would make them happy. It would feel good to make them happy. But you don't let them eat candy and ice cream 24/7 because you know that it isn't good for them. In preparing healthy food and encouraging healthy eating, it may be painful for them to bear the disappointment and painful for us to hear them cry and be so unhappy. But we are using our will to do good for the beloved, the child.
Simplistic, I realize, but bear with me. With our fellow adults, it gets more complicated.
When Mr. Seren was alive, his addicted stepson would ask him for money almost constantly.
We knew the money would not be used for whatever story he was claiming.
We knew the money was going straight to drugs or alcohol.
Early on, Mr. Seren would relent in giving his son money because he loves his son, because he did not want to see him in such pain, because sometimes his son would be abusive, it was frightening, and somehow easier to just relent.
Yet his son dove deeper and deeper into his addiction with no end in sight. We talked--a lot--about what was happening.
Mr. Seren finally realized that what he was doing was not benefiting his son in the long run. So, he started saying "no" to the requests for money. No, I won't pay for your phone. No, I won't pay for an apartment in a fancy building so you can play big man. No, I won't buy you a car to replace the one you totaled.
No, I certainly won't give you cash so that you can buy the ammunition (drugs or alcohol) to put in the gun to kill yourself.
This was very, very painful for my husband. It was hard for him to be on the receiving end of the constant onslaught from his son. But we both realized that if there is ever going to be a chance for the young man to have a happy, peaceful life, he has to be able to face life as an adult on his own two feet--just like the rest of us.
Ultimately, "no" was our way of using our wills to do good for my stepson. And "no" takes practice - believe me.
Peace in the valley, S
This can be painful for the beloved, and for us.
This can mean taking an action that 'does not answer to us'--in other words, it may not specifically benefit us or make us feel good or happy to do that which is best for the addicts in our lives.
Using children as an example, this idea becomes more clear.
A child wants candy and ice cream to eat 24/7. Do you give it to them? It would make them happy. It would feel good to make them happy. But you don't let them eat candy and ice cream 24/7 because you know that it isn't good for them. In preparing healthy food and encouraging healthy eating, it may be painful for them to bear the disappointment and painful for us to hear them cry and be so unhappy. But we are using our will to do good for the beloved, the child.
Simplistic, I realize, but bear with me. With our fellow adults, it gets more complicated.
When Mr. Seren was alive, his addicted stepson would ask him for money almost constantly.
We knew the money would not be used for whatever story he was claiming.
We knew the money was going straight to drugs or alcohol.
Early on, Mr. Seren would relent in giving his son money because he loves his son, because he did not want to see him in such pain, because sometimes his son would be abusive, it was frightening, and somehow easier to just relent.
Yet his son dove deeper and deeper into his addiction with no end in sight. We talked--a lot--about what was happening.
Mr. Seren finally realized that what he was doing was not benefiting his son in the long run. So, he started saying "no" to the requests for money. No, I won't pay for your phone. No, I won't pay for an apartment in a fancy building so you can play big man. No, I won't buy you a car to replace the one you totaled.
No, I certainly won't give you cash so that you can buy the ammunition (drugs or alcohol) to put in the gun to kill yourself.
This was very, very painful for my husband. It was hard for him to be on the receiving end of the constant onslaught from his son. But we both realized that if there is ever going to be a chance for the young man to have a happy, peaceful life, he has to be able to face life as an adult on his own two feet--just like the rest of us.
Ultimately, "no" was our way of using our wills to do good for my stepson. And "no" takes practice - believe me.
Peace in the valley, S
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Location: New York, NY
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My sponsor's sister, a life-long alcoholic, is homeless, living on the streets of New York because my sponsor has been going to Alanon for 26 years. It's incredibly painful for her but she can't let the sister take her, her husband and kids, down with her.
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Thank you Seren. This is a great reminder. I struggle regularly with this because I experience pain in my "no". I do it even when my dog begs me for foods that may make her tummy sick. I know it's in her best interest to say no, but I struggle to accept that I have something she wants. Even if I am saying no for the good. My qualifier is very ill and his behavior child-like. I hate being the adult with him because it puts me in the position to have to say no when he is beaten down and desperate. And yes, sick. But saying anything else and I not only help him hurry to an untimely fate, but I bring me down with him as NYC above says.
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AW thanked me a couple months ago for saying "no" to her for the past few years every time she's wanted me to support her habit. It came out of the blue, on a night she wasn't drinking, so it was very unexpected to hear.
In the early days I felt like I was making sure she didn't hurt herself walking to the store, or maybe I made the excuse that I was spending time with her so it must be ok. A few years ago I told her I would not buy for her ever again.
Once in awhile she tries to get me to buy for her when I run to the store and she stays home but I say "no" then too. She gets a little mad on those occasions and resigns herself to "not having enough for the night". I don't know how your story ends, but I'm holding out hope mine does not end in tragedy.
In the early days I felt like I was making sure she didn't hurt herself walking to the store, or maybe I made the excuse that I was spending time with her so it must be ok. A few years ago I told her I would not buy for her ever again.
Once in awhile she tries to get me to buy for her when I run to the store and she stays home but I say "no" then too. She gets a little mad on those occasions and resigns herself to "not having enough for the night". I don't know how your story ends, but I'm holding out hope mine does not end in tragedy.
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Giving my stepson whatever he wanted might make me feel good in the short term (although by now I'm thinking not...) but it would not be the most loving action for his greater good.
So...assuage my own feelings of responsibility or guilt, or do what is the most loving thing for him? Mr. Seren and I chose, out of love for him, to do what was most beneficial to him and his greater good.
So...assuage my own feelings of responsibility or guilt, or do what is the most loving thing for him? Mr. Seren and I chose, out of love for him, to do what was most beneficial to him and his greater good.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
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Giving my brother a roof over his head, and being able to step away and let him live the way he will has given me a great deal of relief.
He still has to take the bus 1-1/2 hours each way for Chemo, but he has a BASE.
I don't buy him booze and if he needs food he deals with it.
Perhaps I was wrong, but I could not see him in the streets
He still has to take the bus 1-1/2 hours each way for Chemo, but he has a BASE.
I don't buy him booze and if he needs food he deals with it.
Perhaps I was wrong, but I could not see him in the streets
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littlesister 
I have a sister who is an alcoholic in recovery (most grateful), so I do know how much you must worry. I, nor anyone else here, is judging you based on what you are providing your brother.
Your brother gets himself to each treatment under his own speed, and that is something. My stepson was not capable of that until just a year or two ago--he always expected for someone to provide him with a car or a ride.
I have a sister who is an alcoholic in recovery (most grateful), so I do know how much you must worry. I, nor anyone else here, is judging you based on what you are providing your brother.
Your brother gets himself to each treatment under his own speed, and that is something. My stepson was not capable of that until just a year or two ago--he always expected for someone to provide him with a car or a ride.
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