Trauma Response
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Trauma Response
Hello SR friends.
Today I feel like I have taken a backslide, as it never fails, I go back to that same trauma response when dealing w/my XAH about financial issues (and many other issues as well).
There were a lot of financial issues when we split, some my fault, some his. He was very, very verbally abusive to me during the next year when it was all being settled, and I became very depressed and full of anxiety. It was horrible. I have been diagnosed w/PTSD and GAD but thought I had made so much progress.
Yesterday an old debt that is owed came to light that I did not know about from when we were married. We talked about it, he was not as nasty to me as before, but he definitely blames me for every single thing to do with anything financially. Never mind that he did not work for half of our marriage and I forgave a HUGE amount of child support from after we divorced. It will be an ongoing issue for a couple of days or weeks I am sure.
I am willing to pay half of this debt, it's not huge. My first thought was that I should pay it all, and just be done with it. Still not sure I won't just so I won't have to deal with him and his wonderful new wife (let's call her devil). I am just so upset with myself that I am now full of anxiety and go back to that trauma response in situations like this.
I realize there is not an answer, but it helps me to get it out. Thanks for reading.
Today I feel like I have taken a backslide, as it never fails, I go back to that same trauma response when dealing w/my XAH about financial issues (and many other issues as well).
There were a lot of financial issues when we split, some my fault, some his. He was very, very verbally abusive to me during the next year when it was all being settled, and I became very depressed and full of anxiety. It was horrible. I have been diagnosed w/PTSD and GAD but thought I had made so much progress.
Yesterday an old debt that is owed came to light that I did not know about from when we were married. We talked about it, he was not as nasty to me as before, but he definitely blames me for every single thing to do with anything financially. Never mind that he did not work for half of our marriage and I forgave a HUGE amount of child support from after we divorced. It will be an ongoing issue for a couple of days or weeks I am sure.
I am willing to pay half of this debt, it's not huge. My first thought was that I should pay it all, and just be done with it. Still not sure I won't just so I won't have to deal with him and his wonderful new wife (let's call her devil). I am just so upset with myself that I am now full of anxiety and go back to that trauma response in situations like this.
I realize there is not an answer, but it helps me to get it out. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I've been in that place many times - "maybe I should just let this go because I don't want to deal with the fallout/verbal abuse from ex if I don't do what he wants". What I've learned is that this strategy does not protect me from verbal abuse - he will rage at me whether or not I go along with him. So I might as well do the "right thing" (whatever it appears to be in a given situation - in your case it might be paying your half of the debt but not his), and accept that no matter what happens, if he wants to throw a fit he will throw a fit.
Anxiety and trauma responses are also out of your control - they are physiological responses to a perception of danger, and you can't think them away. I try to regard mine as sort of like a flu or a temporary illness - can't make it go away by thinking, I just have to ride it out for a few hours or days, knowing that eventually my sympathetic nervous system will settle back down. I do find that exercise helps on highly "symptomatic" days.
Anxiety and trauma responses are also out of your control - they are physiological responses to a perception of danger, and you can't think them away. I try to regard mine as sort of like a flu or a temporary illness - can't make it go away by thinking, I just have to ride it out for a few hours or days, knowing that eventually my sympathetic nervous system will settle back down. I do find that exercise helps on highly "symptomatic" days.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Hello SR friends.
Today I feel like I have taken a backslide, as it never fails, I go back to that same trauma response when dealing w/my XAH about financial issues (and many other issues as well).
There were a lot of financial issues when we split, some my fault, some his. He was very, very verbally abusive to me during the next year when it was all being settled, and I became very depressed and full of anxiety. It was horrible. I have been diagnosed w/PTSD and GAD but thought I had made so much progress.
Yesterday an old debt that is owed came to light that I did not know about from when we were married. We talked about it, he was not as nasty to me as before, but he definitely blames me for every single thing to do with anything financially. Never mind that he did not work for half of our marriage and I forgave a HUGE amount of child support from after we divorced. It will be an ongoing issue for a couple of days or weeks I am sure.
I am willing to pay half of this debt, it's not huge. My first thought was that I should pay it all, and just be done with it. Still not sure I won't just so I won't have to deal with him and his wonderful new wife (let's call her devil). I am just so upset with myself that I am now full of anxiety and go back to that trauma response in situations like this.
I realize there is not an answer, but it helps me to get it out. Thanks for reading.
Today I feel like I have taken a backslide, as it never fails, I go back to that same trauma response when dealing w/my XAH about financial issues (and many other issues as well).
There were a lot of financial issues when we split, some my fault, some his. He was very, very verbally abusive to me during the next year when it was all being settled, and I became very depressed and full of anxiety. It was horrible. I have been diagnosed w/PTSD and GAD but thought I had made so much progress.
Yesterday an old debt that is owed came to light that I did not know about from when we were married. We talked about it, he was not as nasty to me as before, but he definitely blames me for every single thing to do with anything financially. Never mind that he did not work for half of our marriage and I forgave a HUGE amount of child support from after we divorced. It will be an ongoing issue for a couple of days or weeks I am sure.
I am willing to pay half of this debt, it's not huge. My first thought was that I should pay it all, and just be done with it. Still not sure I won't just so I won't have to deal with him and his wonderful new wife (let's call her devil). I am just so upset with myself that I am now full of anxiety and go back to that trauma response in situations like this.
I realize there is not an answer, but it helps me to get it out. Thanks for reading.
Sending you hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
[QUOTE=Sasha1972;6697285]I've been in that place many times - "maybe I should just let this go because I don't want to deal with the fallout/verbal abuse from ex if I don't do what he wants".
I feel this daily.....I don't trust my own instincts and do find that no matter what I do, it is always met with rage and wrath.
I feel this daily.....I don't trust my own instincts and do find that no matter what I do, it is always met with rage and wrath.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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There were a lot of financial issues when we split, some my fault, some his.
I actually believe the opposite of what Sasha posted - that we absolutely can change our responses to triggers with enough time & focus. I'm not suggesting it's easy, not even a little bit - triggers are rarely obvious or simple, some are easier than others.
I'm wondering if maybe some of this is about you & not him? Is there any chance you have unresolved shame or anger or some other emotions related to whatever you consider "your" part in this? Just playing devil's advocate to try to think of this from a different POV...
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FireSprite, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I thought I had forgiven myself. I thought I was in a better place. But here I am, today, feeling full of anxiety and not able to focus. It's horrible.
I have truly tried. I have been in counseling (with both pastor and counselors) in depth. I have journaled. I have done so many things. I think when nothing is happening I am able to just go on about my business. However, if there is some sort of conversation I simply cannot seem to move past it. The anxiety is almost crippling during that time. Ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Churning stomach. The works.
I thought enough time had passed that nothing like this would happen again, and here we are. It makes me angry at the entire situation, and at myself.
I just feel very lost today.
I have truly tried. I have been in counseling (with both pastor and counselors) in depth. I have journaled. I have done so many things. I think when nothing is happening I am able to just go on about my business. However, if there is some sort of conversation I simply cannot seem to move past it. The anxiety is almost crippling during that time. Ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Churning stomach. The works.
I thought enough time had passed that nothing like this would happen again, and here we are. It makes me angry at the entire situation, and at myself.
I just feel very lost today.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Have you ever ACTIVELY worked on forgiving yourself for these old financial missteps?
I actually believe the opposite of what Sasha posted - that we absolutely can change our responses to triggers with enough time & focus. I'm not suggesting it's easy, not even a little bit - triggers are rarely obvious or simple, some are easier than others.
I'm wondering if maybe some of this is about you & not him? Is there any chance you have unresolved shame or anger or some other emotions related to whatever you consider "your" part in this? Just playing devil's advocate to try to think of this from a different POV...
I actually believe the opposite of what Sasha posted - that we absolutely can change our responses to triggers with enough time & focus. I'm not suggesting it's easy, not even a little bit - triggers are rarely obvious or simple, some are easier than others.
I'm wondering if maybe some of this is about you & not him? Is there any chance you have unresolved shame or anger or some other emotions related to whatever you consider "your" part in this? Just playing devil's advocate to try to think of this from a different POV...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Forgiving myself is, by far, the HARDEST part of recovery for me.
I can't always see that I'm holding grudges or that I'm self-hating..... I can't always recognize that I'm diving into a shame spiral.
This is where my Brene Brown reading helped tremendously because she focuses on these "gremlins" (as she refers to them).
Have you read "The Gifts of Imperfection" or "I Thought It Was Just Me but It Isn't?" I think you would find them both very helpful!
I can't always see that I'm holding grudges or that I'm self-hating..... I can't always recognize that I'm diving into a shame spiral.
This is where my Brene Brown reading helped tremendously because she focuses on these "gremlins" (as she refers to them).
Have you read "The Gifts of Imperfection" or "I Thought It Was Just Me but It Isn't?" I think you would find them both very helpful!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
In whose name is the debt in? That provides you with a legal definition of who gets in the most trouble if its paid off or not.
I'd actually document how much child support you've forgiven etc. That gives you the visibility to realize just how much things have cost you and it also provides a better more legal means to keep track of things should it ever get legal between you.
I had an ironclad Divorce Agreement that stated I was to pay half in taxes onsold properties and ex was to pay half. The ex did not pay half, the IRS came after me because it was in my name.
I proudly presented the Decree that stated she was responsible for that half. They reminded me they didn't care they were the IRS and they trumped a Divorce Decree.
Sometimes you are going to be legally bound to pay for something, even if you really shouldn't be.
I'd actually document how much child support you've forgiven etc. That gives you the visibility to realize just how much things have cost you and it also provides a better more legal means to keep track of things should it ever get legal between you.
I had an ironclad Divorce Agreement that stated I was to pay half in taxes onsold properties and ex was to pay half. The ex did not pay half, the IRS came after me because it was in my name.
I proudly presented the Decree that stated she was responsible for that half. They reminded me they didn't care they were the IRS and they trumped a Divorce Decree.
Sometimes you are going to be legally bound to pay for something, even if you really shouldn't be.
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The debt is in both of our names and we were married when it was incurred. I do keep track, and believe me, he does not pay what he should as far as half of all other expenses. It's thousands. The statute of limitations of actually past that they cannot do anything about it, however, I will still pay my half and leave it at that I decided.
Thank you all for your support.
Thank you all for your support.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by hopeful4
The debt is in both of our names and we were married when it was incurred. I do keep track, and believe me, he does not pay what he should as far as half of all other expenses. It's thousands. The statute of limitations of actually past that they cannot do anything about it, however, I will still pay my half and leave it at that I decided.
Thank you all for your support.
Thank you all for your support.
The following is my opinion. Take it as that. I am not offering legal, credit or any other advice that may set off someone here in a profession that relates to your problem.
You bring up a very good point. SOL. They can't collect on you now. If its aged debt that old, you probably won't get much positive result in your credit score now if you pay it off. The damage has already been done and recovered from. Unless they have a judgment in your name that is recorded.
If its in both your names and you pay half and he doesn't, you will get negatively affected as if you didn't pay at all. So I'd be pretty careful about at what point are you throwing good money after bad.
I hate to be ruthless about it, but you could put that money to better use elsewhere if he doesn't pay his part and you do. It will harm you more than help. The creditor has already taken that loss. They'd be delighted to take your money and you could possibly negotiate a written agreement that states the positive you get for paying them, but your credit profile has already taken the hit and likely recovered from it by now.
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That is a good point, thank you. For whatever reason, it was never on either one of our credit reports, we genuinely did not know anything about this debt. It's relatively small. The bank even said there is no point paying it b/c it was sold to a debt collector who went out of business then apparently went to some other one. It's very old, well past any statute of limitations or anyone being able to put it on a credit report.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
That is a good point, thank you. For whatever reason, it was never on either one of our credit reports, we genuinely did not know anything about this debt. It's relatively small. The bank even said there is no point paying it b/c it was sold to a debt collector who went out of business then apparently went to some other one. It's very old, well past any statute of limitations or anyone being able to put it on a credit report.
Use that money elsewhere in my opinion. He's cost you enough already.
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