Will the questions ever get answered?

Old 12-03-2017, 07:28 AM
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Will the questions ever get answered?

3 days since I have moved out. I feel less "on the edge" and I am definitely sleeping better. I actually reached out to my AH's brother and told him everything. This isn't the first time I talked to him about this, this is actually the 3rd time since my AH and I have been together that I told him family about his problem.
Anyhow, this time I was a little nervous, because I didn't reach out for help. I reached out to let them know I am moving forward with the divorce and that I want them to know because I am genuinely worried about him.

My maid that is cleaning my home has found a ton of blood near his bed and sent me pictures that really worried me. We are talking A LOT of blood, not drops. She also said that he looks very ill.

His brother agrees that he needs to be removed from Mexico and to never come back here again and he asked I change my locks. He also agrees that the divorce should be uncontested, that my decision to not involve lawyers is the right one and that I should have full custody. He also feels my AH needs immediate professional help.

Noone wants to drag this to court and I have no intentions in making this harder than it is. I don't want anything from my AH except whatever the court asks him to send for his child, which I am going to put in my son's savings account anyways. To be honest, I don't even want child support either, but I think in all fairness, my son deserves that money in his bank account, and my AH has a responsibility towards him, so I will let the Superior Court determine that.

My challenge right now is questioning what happened. What the heck happened? I mean, I knew this man did cocaine (here and there). For crying out loud, he was at my wedding with my ex-husband and he was telling me he was doing lines in the bathroom at the reception. I mean, COME on, how can I be so blind?

There were so many instances where he binged, but I really didn't know anything about cocaine. I had no idea why he is in so much debt, why he has no motivation to grow as a person, I had no idea why he always yelled and demanded "alone time with his friends" (there is a big difference between spending time with friends and DEMANDING I don't go with him) I had no idea why he would search for escorts on the computer. I have no idea how many times he cheated on me.

I have been reading through the emails between me and I and I realized that throughout the 10 years we have been together, he has always done drugs. I have no idea what was real between me and him. Was the whole relationship fake? I feel I know nothing about him now.

Did I really waste all this time? Why did I completely close my eyes and ignored the signs? What happened to me?

I have so many questions and I thought I would find more peace, but instead I can't stop interrogating myself about this mess. How do I begin to make sense of all of this chaos, so I can find some peace, get closure and move forward with my life?
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Old 12-03-2017, 08:15 AM
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The first step is always acceptance. Can you accept that you may never understand or have answers to these questions?
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Old 12-03-2017, 08:16 AM
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Sounds like I will be stuck on this step for a while lol
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Old 12-03-2017, 08:20 AM
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It's incredibly difficult, but when you come out the other side of it, you will be amazed at how far it's taken you.
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Old 12-03-2017, 08:30 AM
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Hi Soulful

The questions you are asking yourself are not unique. I have asked myself the same types of questions countless times.

The only answer which makes sense of it all is addiction. Your husband has been & is an active addict chasing powerful destructive drugs. Doesn't sound like he was doing coke here & there what sometimes is described a recreational use. . Sounds like a full blown addiction problem.

I took me quite some time concerning my relationship with an active addict to understand the many why's. That understanding came from reading about addiction. What I learned wasn't pleasant. However what I learned explained most all of it.

Addiction is progressive & destructive. Our addicts minds are severely altered & do not function in a rational manner. The chances are slim you will get answers from your addict. I never got answers from mine. I believe, based on my experience, your answers are out there to be found - but you will have to find them.

In my case, the search for those answers also helped me find myself.

I wish you the best.
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Old 12-03-2017, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Soulful View Post

Did I really waste all this time? Why did I completely close my eyes and ignored the signs? What happened to me?

I have so many questions and I thought I would find more peace, but instead I can't stop interrogating myself about this mess. How do I begin to make sense of all of this chaos, so I can find some peace, get closure and move forward with my life?
I think it's great that you are focusing on yourself somewhat. Doesn't hurt to ask yourself those questions. Interrogation though is maybe a bit harsh? No reason to be hard on yourself really, you did the best you could.

As for wasted time. Aside from his addiction you must have seen some good qualities in him. As these things are progressive I assume it just got slowly and possibly progressively worse (you've probably read the boiling frog analogy).

Once you fully woke up to where he/you were at, you acted. That's a good thing and you should be proud of yourself for acting, that takes courage, in my opinion.
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Old 12-04-2017, 06:25 AM
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The way I see things is that if I were not with my XAH, I would not have my children, and they are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You will get past this. You won't care so much about the "why" of it all, or how could this happen, etc. You will simply live. You will come to a place to live and enjoy watching your son grow, and letting the rest go. With these addicts, we don't get the closure we want and deserve, and that's difficult.

It's likely he had a nose bleed I would bet. A bloody nose can create a huge mess. Don't get reeled back in.

Sending you huge hugs.
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Old 12-04-2017, 07:35 AM
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Yeah, it was a nose bleed, I am familiar with those for sure. He also picks at his skin a lot, on his legs and I never understood why, I still don’t. I don’t know why anyone would rather spend money on cocaine and destroy the intimacy of a marriage for some fake fantasy with strippers. I suppose I could never be THAT fantasy and if there is one thing I came to accept, it’s certainly that.

I find that the more I educate myself and research addiction, the more confused I get. I am having a hard time understanding their choices, simply because I don’t see them as he does.

You are right, I got blessed with the most amazing gift that God could have given me. My son is everything to me and for all the pain and suffering, my son is truly worth it all.
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:17 AM
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Regarding picking at skin...

Drugs causing hallucinations of bugs

Doctors first described the effects of formication in the 1880s while examining people with long-term histories of extensive cocaine use.
It's crazy how long these diseases (addictions) have been around.

Stay safe. (((Hugs)))

The more you heal, the more answers will come, as you need them... but likely not as soon as you want them.

Yes... much of it you may never have answers to.

Yes... your son is worth it.
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:56 AM
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Will the questions ever get answered?

personally, the questions i had were answered. were they the right answers? i dont know, but they were the answers that helped me.
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
Regarding picking at skin...



It's crazy how long these diseases (addictions) have been around.

Stay safe. (((Hugs)))

The more you heal, the more answers will come, as you need them... but likely not as soon as you want them.

Yes... much of it you may never have answers to.

Yes... your son is worth it.
OMG... I had no idea. My AH has been scratching his legs and arms non stop until he makes himself bleed. Wow. He also has a lot of blisters and red rashes on his feet... he would tell me he is just sensitive and allergic.

I would find blood on his sheets and he would say his skin was itchy from mosquitos.

Oh my Goodness... I had no idea.
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Old 12-04-2017, 09:42 AM
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Ugg those questions, Soulful...so difficult.

I would say you didn't waste all this time for a couple reasons.

1 - There WERE good times. That's why we stay!
2 - Just consider that you needed the experience for your life. The ultimate outcome is that you WILL find yourself again, and that you HAVE changed from it all.

Was the whole relationship fake? I grapple with that one too. I'd say that while neither of us could love eachother authentically, or in the right way...that there was love, and some happiness.

I trust that one day we will look back and understand that we took the road we took because we needed to. It made us stronger. And I don't know about you, but it made me finally love myself enough to ensure that I will create a life of peace and happiness, and that is absolutely priceless.
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Old 12-04-2017, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post

I trust that one day we will look back and understand that we took the road we took because we needed to. It made us stronger. And I don't know about you, but it made me finally love myself enough to ensure that I will create a life of peace and happiness, and that is absolutely priceless.
I agree... I am still "licking my wounds" so-to-speak, but I certainly am beginning to learn to love myself again and not beat myself up for not being "good enough" to motivate him to be the best version of himself. It wasn't my job to do that, eventhough I made it to be.
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Old 12-04-2017, 12:29 PM
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Uggg the questions. I still have so many.

I have come to terms with the fact I will most likely never get the answers... or .... that I actually have received them, they just weren't what I to hear.....
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Old 12-04-2017, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Soulful View Post
OMG... I had no idea. My AH has been scratching his legs and arms non stop until he makes himself bleed. Wow. He also has a lot of blisters and red rashes on his feet... he would tell me he is just sensitive and allergic.

I would find blood on his sheets and he would say his skin was itchy from mosquitos.

Oh my Goodness... I had no idea.
Oh dear. I've noticed that ex always has scrapes and rashes on his hands, forearms and face. He said at one point that it was scratches from his cat and dog, but that never looked quite right to me. I have no idea if he's using cocaine, but his girlfriend has used coke and meth extensively (and has the typical "meth look").
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Old 12-04-2017, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Ugg those questions, Soulful...so difficult.

I would say you didn't waste all this time for a couple reasons.

1 - There WERE good times. That's why we stay!
2 - Just consider that you needed the experience for your life. The ultimate outcome is that you WILL find yourself again, and that you HAVE changed from it all.

Was the whole relationship fake? I grapple with that one too. I'd say that while neither of us could love eachother authentically, or in the right way...that there was love, and some happiness.

I trust that one day we will look back and understand that we took the road we took because we needed to. It made us stronger. And I don't know about you, but it made me finally love myself enough to ensure that I will create a life of peace and happiness, and that is absolutely priceless.
Well said. I'm still grappling with this as well - we were together for 25 years and they weren't all bad years. If I had known fifteen years ago what I know now (that the problems with alcohol were much worse than I thought), would I have stayed? Probably not. But having Kid tempers any regrets I might have about "wasting time".

And there was a time when ex was a person with a drinking problem - during those years we had a lot of great experiences together and really did care about each other. Now he is mainly a drinking problem with some elements of a person attached, which is sad.
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Old 12-04-2017, 12:50 PM
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Even doctors have a hard time understanding addiction. It's a mental illness characterized by a compulsion, it's progressive and often deadly. No one knows why some alcoholics/addicts (the minority) are able to stop using/drinking one day at a time while most don't. We try to understand it using rational thinking but the addict is incapable of that. Most important, our recovery is as important as the addicts because this disease can destroy everyone around the addict. Alanon was a huge help for me in detaching and getting to acceptance. It helps to pray for the ability to accept while understanding we are completely powerless over other people. A big hug!
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Old 12-04-2017, 03:57 PM
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My AH also had this. Lots of sores on his skin from picking. Initially he said it was acne. Then he said he had sensitive skin. His teeth also chipped really easily and he said it was genetic. Nope. Once you do the research on drugs, you'll find that almost 99% of his ailments come from side effects of taking drugs. My AH said that he had to take drugs to manage his anxiety, insomnia, nausea and chronic pain, which he had before he started drugs. Then I found out that the drugs he took caused all of those things, and that he's been an addict longer than I've known him. The more you find out, the more you know.

Originally Posted by Soulful View Post
OMG... I had no idea. My AH has been scratching his legs and arms non stop until he makes himself bleed. Wow. He also has a lot of blisters and red rashes on his feet... he would tell me he is just sensitive and allergic.

I would find blood on his sheets and he would say his skin was itchy from mosquitos.

Oh my Goodness... I had no idea.
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Old 12-05-2017, 10:51 AM
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He has a lot of foot blisters, that he was non stop popping, along with scratching his arms and legs. Sometimes he had scratches on his back and at this point, I really don't know if that was him or his sexual encounters. I really feel I don't know anything about this man anymore.
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Old 12-05-2017, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
Uggg the questions. I still have so many.

I have come to terms with the fact I will most likely never get the answers... or .... that I actually have received them, they just weren't what I to hear.....
The very best thing I've ever read on SR relating to this topic was lillamy's share that, "With addicts, you have to provide your own closure."

ESPECIALLY those still active in their addictions. Closure just doesn't exist in their world.
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