philly76

I feel like an ass bc I've been on here so long, reached out so long ago, and never did anything to fix myself. But crap's just gotten worse, and I don't want to hit rock bottom. Maybe I have.

I moved last summer, I miss my old house, I don't like my job, and all of it makes me want to drink every night. I just don't like anything around me. On top of that, I feel like I'm bleeding friends and I have no idea why. I just feel insanely alone. Sad thing is, my cat is what makes me get up in the morning. I love that nasty bitch.

I know I'm heavy furniture. Getting me to do something is like moving the moon. I rationalize the hell out of everything. I have a way of making people think I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm messed up, no one seems to know it, and I need help. And the loneliness is the worst. I just feel like I'm screaming at the wall most of the time.

Dee74

You sound depressed Philly. Could you convince yourself to see a Dr maybe?

D

Incontrol15

I feel you at many levels and sorry to hear another soul experience that.

Don't worry about hitting bottom. Many of us have learned there is no bottom, only continued lower levels, until we quit. The day you quit is when you finally see what your bottom is like.

But it's really hard to quit where you are mentally. Right? I'm sure you know things would be way better if you were sober. But that just isn't enough. If you're like most addicts anyway.

Frustrating to say the least. It seems like there's only two options: find your bottom so you feel bad enough to quit, or take steps to feel better about your situation.

Dee, as always, is right. Can you start counseling and take a small step in the right direction? It could help at every level.

Another thing that could help at almost every level is going to live support groups like AA or rational recovery.

Making friends through a group like that could be a total game changer for you.

It's hard though. I remember being so down on myself and my situation, it was nearly impossible to take even the smallest step towards any direction that would help me.

What helped me was repeatedly saying to myself it doesn't have to be this way. It can be different. Repeatedly. Then asked what can I do different. Even the tiniest of steps started the ball rolling.

For me, that included showering and brushing my teeth daily. Lol. Not really funny. But yeah... Lol.

Forward12

Get yourself a plan in place, take it day by day, and you can end the madness!

Delilah1

Hi Philly,

I am glad you logged on today. I agree with Dee about seeing a doctor. You have been here since 2014, I joined in 2012, and on January 1, 2018 will have two years of sobriety, I spent three and a half years alternating between periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation, but I never gave up. I kept coming back to this site, and I finally listened to Dee about making a recovery plan.

You can do this. Start by being kind to yourself, give your doctor a call and make an appointment, don't drink just for tomorrow, stay focused in the moment.

You can do this, and there are lots of people on this site here to support you.

❤️Delilah

philly76

I like this a lot. I mean the showering and teeth brushing thing is funny, but I completely get it. It's about forcing yourself to do the mundane things you ignore for the sake of having something on your calendar.

I don't think I'm depressed, at least not in the clinical sense. I'm down for sure, but mainly because I'm frustrated with so many things I can't really control: job, my apartment (at least until July), and flippant friends. None of that makes my alcohol abuse, but it all certainly helps excuse it in my head.

Anyway, I'm looking at newcomers meetings. Maybe tomorrow, maybe this week. It feels futile even saying that. I just need to give up and walk in, I don't know what I'm fighting against. Thanks for all of your responses.

BixBees505

Hang in there, philly. You sound on the right track to strengthen your resolve and sober muscles. Only gets better. Yes...do that...”give up and walk in”. I practically guarantee you will be glad you did.

philly76

Just to add on, Thanksgiving got me back here. It really sucked. I got furloughed from work and couldn't afford to go home. I decided to go to the parade (which I didn't drink the night before because I wanted to be fresh) and my friend who was to meet me flaked out because he was hungover. I went on my own, which was fine, but the rest of the day was awful. I don't really make a fuss about holidays, but it's nice to have some invites. Seeing "Friendsgivings" I wasn't invited to all over Facebook was just a kick to the gut. If you're alone, word to the wise, don't try to make a plate of leftovers fancy with olives or whatever because it just makes it that much more depressing. I am going home for Christmas. I'm furloughed again, but they gave me enough notice to save money and make plans. I'm really looking forward to that.

philly76

Oh, and a funny-ish story (I can't believe I'm just remembering it), I had a dream this morning that I was lost in the woods and came upon an AA meeting. It sounds ridiculous, but this site was fresh on my mind when I went to bed last night so it kind of makes sense. Anyway, when it was over I remember getting hugs and phone numbers from strangers and thinking I hadn't felt so good since I was a kid.

philly76

Since I'm on a roll, and apparently have no qualms airing stuff here, one more frustrating thing about those around me. I mentioned before that I'm bleeding friends. I know I've lost at least two because their therapists told them I was a "toxic" person. I mean that sucks and all, and I get that people in therapy want to get to a better place. But what about the apparently "toxic" person? I can't even think of what was so villainous about me. For the most part, I'm a happy go lucky ray of sunshine, all the more reason no one believes me when I say I've got a drinking problem. I guess their therapists saw through all that, but it still sucks for the "toxic" guy. Beyond getting sober, I also want to know how to be the best person I can be.

wildflower70

Hi philly,

I am also in a location with no family, and it does get difficult during the holidays. However, I have come to realize that I need to like myself before I can be a good friend to anyone else. Social media portrays everyone having a fabulous time...of course not many post pics of the BS in their lives, and it certainly isn't very realistic. I would focus on yourself, your health and well being. I have learned to go to movies, dinners, festivals, and other events by myself. I am forced to spend time with myself, and evaluate if I need to make personal changes that would make me healthier... physically, mentally, and emotionally. I believe that people gravitate to others who are positive and well rounded in these areas. Like others have said, take small steps, maybe do something you don't normally do for yourself? Hot bubble bath, stop after work for ice cream, check out a coffee shop that has open mic night? Be kind to you, the rest will fall into place, when your ready.

Incontrol15

I love the power of dreams.

I've been on a journey of finding myself the past 7months. Along that path, I discovered spirituality. Something I ignored for 30yrs after I couldn't swallow cathalocism pill. Been an absolute mind blowing experience.

I've learned so much in the process about what I used to label as my subconscious mind. The deeper version of self that loves me and doesn't judge despite my piece of crap ego. The version of self that lies, manipulates, judges, self critical, hurtful, need I go on?

Dreaming is the subconscious playground. A place where it can express itself without the big bully ego bossing it around or over powering it with fear and doubt.

A dream like that is super powerful. Good practice for how that AA class will go. It was easy. You felt at home. You weren't scared. You were social. All that played out so others saw you as welcoming, approachable... A possible friend that can be trusted. Somebody who is honest and real.

I see it as your subconscious showing the way. Follow it. Pay attention to that version of self. It loves you and everyine loves that version. Nobody like the fake ego. Everyone can see the lies it's fake.

It's part of being an addict. Every behavior is satisfying and protecting the ego. All without your awareness.

philly76

I love that. I have wacky dreams in general, and the more sober I get, the crazier my dreams get (in a good way). That's one thing I look forward to when I don't drink.