Zircon

Hi All,
Life for me is going along. Was officially divorced from my XAH in July. Still fighting with him to carry out the final divorce decree orders! I have a DVO in place so it's thru attorneys!! Not sure when it will all be finished! Living on a shoe string, but much better than the abuse I was subject too!!
For the first time, I feel like the fog is lifting and myself is starting to appear! It'll be 2 years , in February, I left my home!
I still can remember my life, but the pain is getting a little duller somedays!
My XAH, has a girlfriend! I certainly pity her! He hasn't tried to seek recovery!
I found out today, that my XAH was arrested for a felony, assault with a deadly weapon! He was really drunk and started threatening his friend he was with, then pulled out a knife and either cut him or stabbed him! The friend called 911. The police told me the case hasn't come to trial yet!
I wanted to get the police reports so when my DVO, comes up for renewal in February, the court will extend it again and he won't get his guns back! Hoping that's enough. Feeling a little unsafe!
Looking back now, over the past 2years, I made the only choices I could!
My life is peaceful and calm!
I just want this whole thing over and behind me!
Just a question? How could someone exhibit such poor judgment, to assault a friend, when he has a DVO.
I hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving!! Take care!
Thank you all for listening!!

Zircon!

dandylion

Zircon....good to hear from you!!! You have made so much progress.....
that event sounds dreadful...but, thank God you weren't in the path of it. At least, it is at a distance.
Yes, you did the only sensible thing that you could do to take care of yourself....

Fro my experience...given enough time and distance from the story.....the pain and the memories fade and, eventually, disappear into history....

Alcoholism does a m ajor job on the frontal loves....where judgement and impulse control normally resides.....

FeelingGreat

hi Zircon, so glad you're out of that and I hope you get your final settlement soon. Regarding the behaviour of your XAH, I suspect its a combo of his personality and lack inhibition that alcohol causes. When you start drinking it might be only be while you're under the influence but as time goes on the brain damage becomes permanent. This may not be the last time he acts out.

amy55

Hi Zircon,

It's really good to hear from you again. Thank you so much for the update. I'm really happy that things are working out for you, and yes, get that police report to extend that DVO.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

LLLisa

Just my thoughts...probably because he's so used to getting away with bad behavior. I know for my XAH I always ran around after him,cleaning up the destruction he caused. In the end any consequences of his drinking just fell to me to deal with. My XAH had never personally had to deal with the consequences of his alcoholism because it was my role to make it all better.

Gosh I was so silly! I remember one job he had he was always to drunk to do the paperwork each week. I'd have to do it for him after a full day at work myself.

honeypig

Zircon, thanks for taking the time to update us! It's good to hear from you again, and even better to hear that your life is happy and calm.

I wish you a wonderful holiday season as well as all the best in the coming year of your own recovery!

AnvilheadII

How could someone exhibit such poor judgment, to assault a friend, when he has a DVO.

because he is a dangerous, violent man. he does not employ "judgment" in the same manner as a sane person.....this is good, this is bad.

i am so very grateful that you are out, and that your life is motoring along to happy and healthy and filled with joy!

hopeful4

Hi Zircon! It's really good to hear from you, and good to hear what a good head space you are in!

I agree with Anvil above. I would pursue getting those police reports so you can use them when the time comes.

Keep taking care of you friend!

Bekindalways

Another here is who is super glad that you are at least safer by being away from him.

Take care beautiful one.

qtpi

My divorce settlement was done over a month ago and XAH is still fighting over the money. It is really unbelievable. He is disagreeing with some of the figures- and refusing to cooperate- and my lawyer I HOPE talked with his attorney today. if there is no action this week- I will ask my attorney if one of the older, more experienced lawyers at the firm should step up and take over. I know he is just doing this to cost me money and hurt me.
Zircon, I have appreciated you sharing your story. I hope we can both get some final closure.

Zircon

Hi,
I went to the court house to file my XAH file. It appears he assaulted our neighbor up the road. The man he assaulted is a very kind and gentle man! My XAH is scheduled for a final pre trial conference on Jan 3rd.
I went up to the DA's office to inquire if his being arrested for a violent crime was a violation of his DV order. They stayed that, that he has a DV order can't be used in court. Seems odd since both involve violence.
I spoke with the witness coordinator. She told me my XAH isn't willing at this point to plead guilty! I guess, she explained if there isn't a guilty plea at the final pre trial conference, it will go to trial. There is a possibility he will do some jail time.
My XAH also lied on his financial statement to get a free public defender!
You can learn a lot from a court file!
His girlfriend is now his financee!! Boy, this isn't even finished yet!!
I'm realizing that there was no love for me, during our 14 year relationship if he can move on so quickly. I was just his target, to get what he needed to survive!
It's so sad that people like that exist in this world!
I truly pity his financee, because he'll do the same thing to her, if he's lucky enough to stay well.
My XAH, is a violent, abusive narcissist, and deserves jail time. Maybe it'll help him. The DA office feels the jail time won't help him! He's already lost everything, but continues on his same path!
Thanks for listening!
Oh by the way, the realtor who listed our home called me and said my XAH wants to decrease the price of our home because he can't afford December mortgage payment. Crazy, since supposedly he hasn't worked in over 2 years and his sister has been paying his bills!! That was part of my divorce settlement, a large portion of money from the sale of the home! Hopefully it won't go into foreclosure!
Sorry! I'm done now!!
Take Care!

Zircon

qtpi

HI Zircon, so sorry for what you are going through. You are better off now but you know that. I am waiting for our house to sell as well- and XAH is living there free and clear. At times I get discouraged. I even wonder if I did everything possible- but I think back to some of the self-centered and abusive actions, and I could not live that way anymore. I wish you luck and a smoother path. The judge has agreed to the financial split but actually getting it done is another story. So I am slogging through on that. it is costing me more in lawyers' fees and my own time and when XAH delays or puts roadblocks up - it's back to the lawyers and so frustrating. It is 19 months away for me- and I try to think about all the good I have in my life- my dogs, my little apartment, my music, and my job. I understand about wanting it just to be over. Let us know how things go, Zircon.

Zircon

Hi qtpi,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I can truly say I know how you feel! Like you, my legal nightmare started 2years ago in February. And I agree, the court can divide things, but if you're not getting any cooperation on your XAH side, it really doesn't matter. It costs a lot of money to get the court to enforce their rulings.
Now, my XAH, will probably going to jail! Not sure how that will effect everything!
As you, I have worked very hard my whole life, and would just like a little more financial security.
Alcoholism is such a devasting disease! I think I now feel great sadness for my XAH! He is wasting the wonderful life he was given!
And the new financee, well I feel pity for her. She is so angry with me, she can't see she's being used for what she can provide him! No love there, and before she knows it she'll become his caregiver.
I certainly am in a better place!
Please keep me posted regarding your situation, it helps me realize I'm not alone!
I will keep posting! Thank you for sharing your story with me!

Z

Hawkeye13

You both took steps that took great courage, and I really really hope
things move forward as quickly as possible to get you free and
some security, along with some closure and lots of peace.

hopeful4

Z, it's not really a surprise is it? I think you have known all along he would likely go to jail. I hope he does, but agree, it likely won't change him. However, I believe there should be punishment for crimes, especially when you have had a million chances to start with.

I send you huge hugs, keep moving forward friend!

maia1234

Z & Q,
See, you guys are not alone. You are strong powerful women. You got this!!

Just look how far you have come and you are at the top of the hill. It should be smooth sailing soon. Keep posting, working on yourself and then it will be your turn to give back to the new "codies" that are looking for advice on what to do with their addict. Hugs guys have a great weekend!!

qtpi

Well, my lawyer mashed out three issues- Yay! I actually got some of the money. and have also gotten alimony. Waiting on the house sale- looking for a place to live. Hopefully I will have more good news as time goes on.